What is your Main Practice & Biggest Obstacle? - 29th September 2025

It's too different, but yesterday was very strong. My—I feel like my insides were just like how it is in water. And like painful water just moving inside, like in my neck, in my head. So as soon as I then it ended, then I came back. Yeah. I think that's what I want to get my back. It always makes—

Yes. Remember that God is kind and merciful. So there may be situations where with integrity we are not able to even say the prayer with our lips. That's what you're saying, that something comes so strongly in the body—illness or some other thing could be coming that prevents even that from happening. So in that case, to hear devotional satsang, any type of satsang or devotional songs, all that is helpful.

I like—I push myself in. I could sit quietly, but in sitting body—but I did half an hour of prayer and I as—

You're good. You're on track.

So I just to say what helps me or hit me very much as I get distracted is to actually just shut the world around. Something I did after my father died and I said, "I'm not interested in people talking, outside world trying."

Yes.

So I just shut up, so no, and just handed everything over to God.

So your main practice is the mala or—

My main practice is the mala and I listen recently—last three days has been listening to—and just want to be on a few sentences, then it's easy for me to just—

Right. Then after the mala, do you—is it too noisy, the mind, or are you able to sit in silence for some time?

I was watching—it's easier for me to go down if I'm saying my prayer. I'm sitting in a particular place in front of my puja and then my—it's easier for me to slip into a quietness.

Yes. Yes. So when we slip into from the gross to the subtle, that is a great gift, isn't it? So that's a great gift that we may be doing vocal prayer and then we may feel like, "I don't need to say it out loud anymore." It is just happening like mental prayer. Then after some time it may feel like, "I don't need to provide the push for the mental prayer to happen." It's just happening on its own. Then it may—like it has become subtler and happening in a deeper place where initially it may seem like I'm doing the prayer, but later it will seem like it is just happening in my heart, and then it may seem like we slip into just a silence, but we know in our heart that we have not left the prayer, it just becomes back. So those minutes or moments are when we are maskless, clotheless in God's presence. So that is a very holy time.

So suppose that you're practicing the EDS, you're using the Ram mantra. So you may say, "Ram, incarnation of God, bless my heart with the light of spirit. Ram, Ram. Oh Ram, incarnation of God, have mercy on me a sinner, bless my heart with the love of spirit or light of Atma. Ram, Ram." And after a few or many repetitions, if it takes us into a silence or it takes us into a deep love at that point, don't feel like you have to do something. Even the words of the prayer you don't have to do. You see, because the point of the prayer is to bring you into that. You see, where it seems like an effortless silence because ultimately we have to meet God without any masks, without any distance. Not even the distance of a word. You see, even if the word is the most holy word and we become fully innocent in that way, then the true—anything can happen in our heart.

So suppose that there is no anchor of love but you feel pulled into this silence or it is time for you to soon get into some other activities of the world. You see, so at least for a few moments, minutes, just let yourself go. Suppose the mind comes and says, "Hurry up, hurry up, there's no time for this today," or the mind itself says, "Oh, my mind is too distracted." You see, all of these things, just first try one "Ram." Yeah, suppose distraction doesn't go away. It's still very loud. As long as you don't notice that you're getting distracted anyway, that is—don't have to worry about that. When you notice that you're getting into thinking, you're getting into a thinking process, then you could do your full arrow prayer at the end. Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram. That should work. Otherwise, if that is also too little, then you can do your full EDS prayer. And if you feel like these moments of quietitude are not coming or the deepening in love is not happening, then just continue your EDS with your breath.

First breath, then breathing out. Incarnation of God, then have mercy on me. Breathing in, a sinner now. Breathing out, my heart. Breathing in, with the light of spirit. Breathing out. Ram, Ram. Breathing in and Ram, Ram. Breathing out. Then what to do if you have very distracted prayer? Nothing. Don't think of anything as bad prayer. Was your intent to take out that 10 minutes, that half an hour, that 1 hour, that 2 hours for God? If your intent was that, the rest is secondary.

And still doing—

Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Sense of it. So the active part of it, the deliberate part of it is mostly what we call cooking. But the silent part of it, not the fully passive necessarily which is infused, but just the attempt to be in silence completely empty for God is the fruit of the cooking which is the eating. And remember that the mind will resist the eating part a lot. It may start even enjoying the cooking part because it seems to participate. It seems like a group exercise between you and your mind. But in the eating part, there's no room for it at all. So be careful of what resistances you are buying. "I can't do this. It's too difficult," or "Today is too busy." And especially if you're not to worry about how many distractions are coming, you may intend to be in silence with God, empty for God. But in that time, maybe 50 distractions come. It's all right. There is never a reason to be frustrated in prayer. Although the mind tells us that, "Oh, your prayer is really bad." So the perpetrator of the crime says, "There's so much crime in the city." Don't buy into those stories.

Exactly. Exactly. It won't say, "I'm the criminal. Catch me." It'll say the problem is somewhere else. "This practice is not right for you. You can't do this." All kinds of rubbish.

Just treat it as a distraction and return to God. Every time you let it go, it's another act of love towards God.

If you're trying to flip it around, I say this is not so—flip it around. We're not just going to—first of all, it can go into another space which is definitely what we learn something and that practice can be done several times again and again, again. The moment it's noticed that there is—

Angry of the nose is—it's very good. We can do all of these things but think of it as Ram sitting in front of you. I'm telling you that God is right there in your heart. Now, what is the relationship you want with God? Is it one where you meet him every day and you share—you do—you share all your problems? You say, "This is how I'm coming to meet you, these are the things I'm doing to come and sit here in front of you and this is what gets me here," and all this we discuss or we just share and then as soon as we're done sharing we—you see, and we do that day after day after day after day. So our sadhana has to be just like this. It just has to not be like this in the sense that—what would you say if somebody's practice is just like that? You would say, "But he's sitting there, you never give him the chance to talk."

The other thing that we do is the mind is very tricky. So sitting in front of God we will say, "I feel like God is telling me this. I feel God is telling me that. This is what God is telling me." You see, in front of Ram Ji we are saying, "God is—Ram is telling me this," because we're a little worried to just be completely silent, immersive, and trust me that most of the communication will happen in a silent transmission which may take us years to actually convert into or express into words. So Ram Ji sitting in front of you will speak to you in a language of silence. Allow that communication to happen. It's really important. I know that the mind can be very active in these times. It doesn't want to hear. It doesn't want to follow. But you are not your mind. You observe even the mind. Actually, your mind has no power over you except what you give to it.

So start with at least a minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes. Grow that opportunity for silent transmission to happen. Suppose you finish sharing a report and Ram Ji is putting his hand out. Yeah. And he's pulling you in and you say, "No, no, I have to go now. My job is done. My 20 minutes of prayer has happened. I have done my chanting. I'm good." You see, you have to allow yourself to become his hostage. If you don't become a hostage to his love, we don't give ourselves the opportunity only to become a hostage to his love. Then it'll be just a one-sided relationship.

So if you feel that, "Okay, I want him," so I'm praying, I'm doing my sadhana, I'm doing my inquiry, but have you considered the fact that he also must want? You may have an agenda. You may say, "I want to find out who I am." You see, but he may also have an agenda for today saying, "I want to teach them love." Which is the same thing. I'm not saying they're different. I'm just taking an example. You see, so can you tell me what God's agenda is for this week in your life? Like we can tell from the circumstantial evidence mostly that, "I'm facing this issue in my life over and over again. So maybe God is trying to teach me something about this aspect." But are you able to get a sense of what is being pointed to you in the silence of the heart without imagination, speculation, inference?

So that takes a lot of spiritual maturity, that we don't rely on inference anymore. We can get a sense of it from the direct taste of it itself. Although we may not be able to express what we are learning in words, we get a sense of how we are growing. Are we growing in our kindness, in our compassion, in our love, in our self-knowledge, in our letting go of mental boundaries, our letting go of emotional space and time, false identity? So much we have to learn. Are you able to hear? Sometimes what happens in satsang is also that the world doesn't leave us. Then when we practice letting go, then that is a very good practice for life as well. People are attacking you and they can't attack you without your mind also attacking you along with them. Even if it seems to be attacking another, it is actually attacking you. So if all of you are attacking, but if I don't identify with my mind, what is the attack? I have to accept your gift by collusion with the mind. I have to collude with my own mind to accept your attack.

Most importantly, remember that our life is for God. Second is to make sure that we find enough evidence of that in our day-to-day life, because there are many people who can say, "My life is God's," but how much time have you spent with him? "Uh, actually I've been a bit busy. When did you spend time actually? You know what's happened is that there was a marriage in the family, then this happened, then that happened. So I'm just waiting to be free from all of that. Then I will get to spend time with God again." That is not how it is going to happen. Because the battle is for time. It's all about time.

In our day-to-day life, because there are many people who can say, 'My life is God's,' but how much time have you spent with Him? 'Uh, actually I've been a bit busy. When did you spend time actually? You know what's happened is that there was a marriage in the family when this happened, then that happened. So I'm just waiting to be free from all of that. Then I will get to spend time with God again.' That is not how it is going to happen. Because the battle is for time. It's all about time. If you read all the books of all the great sages in the world, but you didn't apply and believed your relationship with God while you're still alive, then it's better that we just read a little bit and apply more. Okay. Simple question. Is God in the top three relationships of your life? In terms of time spent, communication happening, God is in the top three in terms of time spent with God. Everyone online, top two? Time spent, loving, attention, whatever needs, whatever we need in a relationship.

Father, I didn't quite get the question. What does that mean?

Yeah. So, let's for a minute presume that God is an actual person who lives in an apartment called the heart. Okay? And he's your closest neighbor. Now when you look at your relationships with friends, family, loved ones, everyone, work relationships, everyone. The first question, the starting point was: Is God in your top three relationships? Who do you communicate with most? Who do you spend time with most? Who do you love the most? Who do you want to hear from the most? Who do you want to learn from the most? Okay, so we said top three. Top three, everyone. Okay. Top two. Two. Not so much. Or is this modesty or sort of top? Okay. And number one. Yes. Few. We are a bit unsure when it comes to number one. So really the attempt is to make Him, Her, whatever reference you want to use, the number one relationship in your life.

How do I count my relationship? Is it in like—how do you count the relationship with your teacher?

Yes. So as long as the teacher is pointing us to God and it is about God, it can be counted. But if the teacher has made it all about me and, you know, what is the construct of the personal—if there's such a thing as a personal Guru-disciple relationship, then no. But when the intent is about God, intent is about truth, then yes. So, how many are saying number one? Let's be—even if you're wrong, it's okay. Just let's try. One? Intent?

No, not intent, but in terms of time spent, loving care, sharing with each other, learning from each other.

Like listening to Thomas Keating or reading books like St. John?

Yes.

Does that include?

Yes. You have to judge that for yourself in the sense of: Is that deepening your relationship with God? It sounds to me like it is. So it shouldn't become just—not that in your case—something generally speaking, it shouldn't become just like a spiritual exercise, like a spiritual pastime.

Intent. Intent is what you're asking.

Yes, intent is to deepen in our being available for God in loving Him. Yeah.

I want to see His first.

So that's very important. Yeah. I would say first. Is God a faithful friend, partner, father, beloved? What would be the gauge of that? How would we gauge whether He is faithful? Like how do we—what—how do we tell? Like if we go and tell somebody in the world that my partner is very faithful and they say, 'Why do you say that?' What would you say?

Rely on him. Can rely. Very good. Rely on them.

Why would you long for somebody? How would you put that? Long for this attribute.

Yeah. So we just look at this aspect first. So is He faithful in the sense of: Can we rely on Him? So does He love us back or is He distant when we try to love Him also?

Back, but not in the way you may think that that's the way. Yeah. And rely on Him is also not a problem-solving engine or genie-type relation.

So can you talk more about this? Because I saw that if I expect that kind of a different kind of—I don't know what to say—but their love, but then I saw was like more like a presence or guidance or not like—it's not if you say something, silent space and then you feel very love in that silence. He said a certain theme I would come for the next few days or that whole day surrender and He keep to teach him different way. You were the first two people, just thank you. Yes.

So would we say we are more faithful or He is more faithful? We know, I know we know the right answer, but what do we know in our hearts?

I think what we know in the heart is that whatever we take ourselves to be is a bunch of sensations and thoughts and so there's no separation as that light and that's it. I mean that's, you know, that's the one, that's the only one that's here, that's the only thing that's actually living and in that is, you know, we can imagine what kind—I mean the sensation is me as the body but He's more closer to us than the sensation. Sensation is in Him. It's like the image in the mirror. No mirror, no image. So I mean I think, I mean what He's trying to teach us is that, you know, we are actually the formless. We are the formless and in the formless, you know, the bodies, the shapes, it all appears and you know it's a play within Him, the manifestation within Him and only He is alive. So I mean that's, I mean that brings and you know that's kind of that's the unifier between you know what happens between now and this body going away when we sleep. It's all happening in the green body.

Okay. So suppose this report is heard. It's heard. Yeah. Fully. Is there anything else?

Only that, you know, creating the separation between them and then saying, you know, 'You're an external to me' and you know, 'There's you're not everything everywhere but you know I'm here and you're there and you know I'm going to your feet' and all that actually creates a kind of a, you know, confusion.

For whom?

Um, I mean the thing is—

No, for whom does it create the confusion?

So there is no separation.

If there is—if it's felt that the one—

Felt by whom?

Um, felt by I.

It's felt by I. The non-separate one is now confused and feeling something.

The I. There's only one I. There's two eyes.

There's no—there aren't like two versions of me. There's only me, right? There's only one I. Then who's confused?

If I is not confused just it's kind of convey the I is—

So confusion is not possible in the human condition. I'm just—who is this I who doesn't want to conjecture?

See there's only one I.

Yes I know. I can't multiple eyes of the eye of the eye is the real one which is universal all light like space. There's only one I.

Yes. So this is the I. Now that I, that I may imagine that it's personal.

Cool. Who may imagine that?

I'm, I'm just saying I, I don't know the reason for this deal but you know in fact it's very difficult to you know to ascribe the reasons for it but I'm just saying that I think it's better to dissolve I. I just feel in the heart that it's better to dissolve the separation.

Better for whom?

Better for, uh, the real one.

So the real one is in a situation which can get better?

Um, I don't know what I mean I know better but certainly there's going to be confusion.

For?

For the real one. The real one can imagine itself to be separate which is what, you know, we've been doing all our lives. Okay. I think I've been doing this all my life is just imagining, you know, that I'm this identity and person all my life and with His grace I think and you know, um, I think it's what He's saying there's only one universal I and you know, um, I mean I just we can worship Him in in all ways we want to and we have as many parts as we want as long as we are pure in our love for Him. That's, that's all fine. But I think the eventual reality is there's only one I. I, I think the ego, the really the ego that association is I mean this is part of the play. So Avidya happens to whom? I mean Avidya happens to the—if the real I imagines himself to be something separate from himself then it happens, then he has to play the game of finding himself.

Yes.

And by whose grace does the game happen where the return happens through the truth?

It's only Him. There's only Him, only the light, only the, only the sun, you know, shining here. Now everything, all, everything else has creation. So it's His when the time is right for Him to, you know, get detached from living around the world which is His creation, He wants to for His silliness. Maybe there was some desires there but the desire needs the personal life to, to fulfill them, you know, there, you know, desires in the personal life, you know, whatever the desire is, it could be even a spiritual desire: 'I want to keep seeking Him, keep saying.' So could be a worldly desire, desire.

So you have recognized that you are this I.

You are as in only He is. It's not me as, so it's not this person, it's just only that person.

You that is, uh—

Beyond the layer of personhood there is no distinction between you and I anymore, isn't it?

There, there's only, only that I exists now. There's, there's play within the I where there's a sensation, the mind is playing, the sensations are there, the body is there.

And there's this continuous sadhana to separate oneself from identification with personal—

That's—and this oneself is Him only.

The oneself is Him only. Okay. Because the intelligence is only Him, the one who knows the space as well as the form in it is, you know, there's only one.

The intelligence is only one.

Yes.

So this I, the Nirguna Brahman playing as the Saguna, playing as the Atma, playing as the projection of consciousness, playing as all of this play of so-called humanity, and humanity realizes that it is that I itself, isn't it, on freeing itself from Avidya? Now is there anything that this I, the, the light of this entire universe, is there anything that this I cannot do?

There's nothing. Forms all and animal, everything.

And you realize that I am that.

Yeah, that's, that's Him. That's maybe there's some sheets within all of us but the innermost sheet is that's just this one universal boundless one.

Yeah. So when you realize that you are that, just bring these wires to life.

No, it's, it's, it's different, uh—

Different?

It's different right because the, the one, the universal one has to decide what he wants to do. This one is this, this one—

Is which one? This one is like the—this one is the expression of of that one. So that one—

So this one is not that.

This one is the expression of that one. Even the thoughts and the words.

So you are fundamentally not that. You're just an expression.

Yeah, that is true. I agree with that. That that's actually true.

It's very—I mean I self, but it's actually true.

Okay. So if you are just an expression and you are fundamentally not that, then isn't that external to you?

It's not an external. This is a—it's, it's like the most subtlest and the grosser—

But you are not that fundamentally.

Fundamentally, fundamentally the, the intelligence is—

Fundamentally are you that or not that? Are you an adjunct like an expression?

100% and undeniably certainly without any doubt am an expression of that is like an adjunct of that.

An expression of that.

Like why can an expression of that not do everything that He can?

I mean it's like, you know, um, it's like, uh, the light can form a color, but the color is not the, the power of the light. Okay? So, so they're both the same. The color comes from the light. It's, it's a power expression of the light, but the light is the light and the color is like it appears.

100% and undeniably, certainly without any doubt, am an expression of that. It is like an adjunct of that, an expression of that. Like, why can an expression of that not do everything that he can? I mean, it's like, you know, it's like the light can form a color, but the color is not the power of the light. Okay? So, they're both the same. The color comes from the light. It's a power expression of the light, but the light is the light and the color is like it appears. It's the appearance of the light that, you know, it's like a quality of the light. It's a visually perceivable quality of the unseen which has the power to express itself as the light—as the color, sorry. So that's the relationship. It's like a subordinate to, you know, the... all right, so it's very difficult to put this stuff in words, which is why I really struggle, you know, to exactly answer about which is 'I'. Is the color the light? Well, the color comes from the light. You know, the power to express—I mean, the power to express the color, could it come without the light? No. Can the light be seen? No. Is the light everywhere? Yeah. So it's like that relationship, a very subtle relationship between, you know, the one that can be seen, which is very limited and doesn't really have the... it's the expression, not the expresser, right? So I mean, that's... I just feel like that's a very kind of a subtle relationship.

Very good. So if the color red says 'I am that light,' that's correct. And if the color blue says 'I am made up of that light, he is everything to me,' so I bow down to that light...

Yeah. But if the color red says to the color blue, 'Oh, you're so foolish. You've taken the light to be external to you,' what would you say? But I mean, they're both... I mean, it's all good, right? As long as you don't imagine yourself to be, you know, separate, it's all good. I mean, there's nothing, you know.

So are you saying that it's Achintya, which means that it's unfathomable oneness and yet distinction, which is what the color and light is telling me you're saying?

I mean, they're all... everything is just one, you know, and then it just comes... it expresses itself in different transient forms.

Yes. So if you were that one, can you bring this fire to life?

If I was... if I am the one and I wanted to, you know, make this wire dance around like a snake, I probably could.

Please, please.

Yeah, but it's not this one. It's the intelligence.

So, which one is that? The light.

It's the light. So, this is the color. The color can't make, you know, the other.

Exactly. Exactly. So although you are one, there is a distinction as well.

Yeah. Yeah. This one is like the image of the cinema and that one is the projector light. So, correct, totally different.

So although this is contained in that, but it can't go in the opposite direction.

Correct. So the image in the mirror can't play the role of the mirror.

Yes. So if the perspective of the one that's contained becomes that of reverence towards the container, would you say that is fundamentally bad?

There's no bad or good, right? There's nothing at all like that. It's just a recognition of reality and then you just, you know, search for the recognition of who we are. We recognize who we are and, you know, any way we do it—whether it's through reverence, through sitting the mind and experiencing it, through karma, through what... I mean, I can only talk about your own experience, but there's so many paths. Who's one to judge one or the other, right? They're all great.

As long as you come to this understanding. If the contained feels like the container is much bigger than itself, much broader than itself, that it is nothing in front of the container; then in that reverence, if the words seem to be that 'You are the greatest, You are the highest, You are the most loving, You are the most merciful,' would you say that that one is caught in Avidya necessarily?

No, not at all. Right. Because we can't even... I mean, the power of the one who is here as all of us is so, you know, I mean, it's just unfathomable to the mind itself. Anything we can say to it, how we just have to be reverent. I mean, we have to be reverent because that's our living Father, that's only living life right now. So I mean, how can we not be reverent to, you know... how can the painting not be referential to the painter? Is he... it's a painter, right? So he's actually painting this image right now, second by second he's...

Exactly.

Making this transient, you know, appear. So everything here, every element is him.

Yes. But why are you saying 'him'? It's one with you.

Yeah, that's true. And...

But why are you saying 'him'?

Him and I are seeing.

Yes. And isn't that exactly what you're saying, that it's Achintya, which means an unfathomable, uncomputable, unintellectualizable oneness and yet distinction?

Yeah. See, in the heart, as you guided us to feel the heart, we feel the presence, means we feel everything including the body being a little thing in it. So it's totally evident to us, right? The oneness as the knower with everything is just... that's what we feel every minute. We feel that the body is in us; we just feel it every minute. So where's the separation?

Yes.

The separation that... so we can't say that, you know, we can say we are there and we have expressed ourselves as the body and...

But where's the separation?

Exactly. So the 'Abheda' part is clear because we can't find the boundary to ourselves. The 'Bheda' part is clear that that which is the creator, the light, the sustainer of the universe—even after recognition that I am that, I don't have a single supernatural power. I can't create one ray of light. I can't create one ounce of love. You see, so when it becomes clear, although it's very troubling to the intellect, when it becomes clear that I am one and yet I am a tiny distinct aspect at best, you see, then the highest knowledge and the highest servitude can run this life, run this expression as you called it. So I don't feel like we have to force it like either too much on this way or too much on that way. Both are valid paths and ultimately, like Bhagwan said, Jnana and Bhakti are two wings of the same bird. So it's very important for us not to feel that one wing is more important or one wing is the ultimate and the other wing is the non-ultimate.

That's what... it's just that I think I just wanted to say that it really feels, and through actually reminding myself all the time, that whatever I take this body of 'I' to be, it's like a ripple in the observer. You know, this wasn't evident to me for a long time, actually. It's the source of my confusion for a long time. I really thought that the presence and the body and everything was... I didn't know it so clearly that the body itself is like a sensation in the presence and the presence itself is the knower. Because I know the presence, I'm inseparable from it. The intelligence itself is the spirit, the formless one that is the knower, and then even the body is just like a ripple. Tomorrow if he takes away the body, nothing will happen to him, the witness. In fact, he's doing it in dream and sleep all the time to show us that all this stuff is just his creation.

Yeah. But why do you put yourself down? I feel like you got a good sense of that very early on in Satsang itself. Why do you say that it was recent or something like that?

This sense of really feeling like he's more approximate than the body. Do you know what I mean? Like the first thing in the morning when you wake up, you feel the Atma. You feel the Atma and then you feel like the body is an expression. I didn't know... I mean, for a long time I really was trying to figure out what is this, but now it just feels like that expression is the body. He comes first and then the body comes, and so he's the creator of the sense of having the body and then he's also then the dissolver. In meditation, the dissolver of that sense, so only he shines. In fact, he's so great that only he shines and he also dissolves the sense of separation by his will in the waking state too. So we just know that it's only him. And then we are actually formless. We're all totally conditioned to believing that we are this person. But if somebody told us from a child that you're actually completely formless, maybe I wouldn't have wasted so much of my life. It's an essential difference, but who really feels that they're just told that they're formless? If you just start to search for them, there's no denying it that we actually have the presence. It wasn't clear to me for a long, long time. The sense of presence, feeling of presence was clear, but that we are the presence and not the body was actually not very clear. I really struggle with the mind that doesn't want to admit that whatever it takes itself to be is just a bunch of sensations in the ocean. So I don't know why I just felt the urge to just share this. I did not really intend to do it, but I know it's a little bit of a tangent to what you were saying, but just wanted to share it.

Yes, tangents are welcome. Tangents are welcome as long as it doesn't seem like it's in opposition to what's being shared. Also, all views are completely welcome, but what is dangerous is to only make a new conceptual framework out of whatever insight we may be having. No. So remember that the truth does not rely on our conceptual understanding of the truth. The truth is freshly available to us every time we look: what is the reality of myself? Who am I? Do I need to remember the answer to that? Maybe as a reminder to look, but not as a replacement for the looking. You see, because the truth is always freshly available. God is always fresh and available. That which we make as an understanding in our mind cannot add light to the truth. It can only serve as a proxy or a replacement for the truth. The attempt is to be empty of that.

Is there anything that we know conceptually and we take to be the truth of ourselves conceptually which is not Avidya, which Vedanta can answer? If I say that 'I am that' or 'I am the pure awareness' or 'the Self,' but I'm just speaking of this from an experience I had in 2009, is that Avidya? The experience was valid in 2009, you see, but I remembered it then and since then I just remember from there and I speak from there. Is that Vidya or Avidya? Still Avidya, isn't it? Because true Vidya, true knowledge, is fresh from the Atma right now. Can you see this? This is so subtle. You get this fresh word that only when you're open and empty, then you realize that you're seeing it now. Otherwise, you can imagine what you saw no longer and think that you're seeing it now, but actually you are not and just remembering. That's the danger. So in my previous avatar, which some of you liked more maybe, we were emphasizing on one aspect of it.

Because true vidya, true knowledge, is fresh from the Atma right now. Can you see this? This is so suddenly you get so like this fresh word that only when you're open and empty then you realize that you're seeing it now. Otherwise, you can imagine what you saw no longer and think that you're seeing it now; actually you are not and just remembering. That's the danger.

That's the danger.

So in my previous version, which some of you like more maybe, but we were emphasizing on one aspect of it. Now I'd like to emphasize on both aspects of Atma. But even in the previous version—and I'm not saying avatar in this version—in the previous version, I was just emphasizing on that aspect of it more. But even then, the emphasis was that if it is heart inside, if it is intuitive inside, if it is Atma Gyan, then we must not have to rely on some conceptual intellectual framework to tell us what it is. It must be fresh and alive right now. The truth doesn't need to be remembered. Only the false needs to be remembered. So that's why for me it's a bit—I have to push a little bit more if I feel like the same framework seems to be perpetuating. So we need to fall back into that which is freshly seen. Freshly seen non-conceptually, non-sensorially.

That words to make a new point out of something is also I see like a way of making a concept about, isn't it?

Because that's why it's very dangerous for me to say yes to anything because then what happened? We get a tick from a seemingly credible source about that concept and then we feel safe that we can safely hold it. That's why I love like the Zen method where the answer for everything is more and more is no. I think he's provoked me to get back to my old mode. The same answer.

Yeah. Now I know that I was trying to say that when I wanted to make a reform in my mind to make a theory about whatever I may have happened, but not including this theory is it?

Yeah, not including this theory. I show you to see it fresh. That was like the point. See it now. You don't need to memorize it. So empty, empty of that is important conversation. Thank you. So I'm sure that because it's unfathomable, whichever leg of this table you pull, you can feel like, 'But this is opposed to the other leg.' It's actually not opposed. And what is the strangest thing? Have you noticed that—myself being first in the line for that—is that when I call myself an Advaitin too strongly, then I'm the most dualistic. Have you not had conversations with non-dual people? I'm sure you had some.

Nice. I find them very dualistic because they are just like, 'It is only like this.'

But isn't that duality to say that this is the only path or this is the only right? Not fall into any of these traps from a broader perspective. Like you are dropping all this space. So did mind for you also, and when we are stepping, so you have to do some effort to treasure this gift to you. We have to keep it safe by sadhana. The inquiry was my constant companion for many, many years. Like every night I would sleep with the inquiry even after the so-called awakening happened in 2009. I don't feel like there was any point where the inquiry was not my companion. And before that, I feel like a lot of chanting. And so I feel that if there's anyone who says that 'I'm now beyond this and my mind is completely... I am the master of my mind now, it can't fool me,' he's already fooled by the master.

It's a Ravana that 'I know who I am.' What was Ravana's problem? He was not looking freshly at it. That was his simple problem. He just concluded that 'I am that.' Was he wrong? Of course not. Was he right? Of course not. Because both things can be true. He was that like all of us are that. But he was not that. That's why the 'and' that is very frustrating. The 'va,' you see. So what happened to him was anytime anybody made a reference to Ram, he was like, 'Don't refer to him with reverence. Don't call him Shri.' He used to laugh at that. In the first version of Ramayana, Ravana had a famous dialogue saying, 'You know, I don't know, you're very young,' whatever, like, 'Why are you giving him reverence in front of me? I am also that, or maybe I'm greater than that.' You see, so he's not wrong, but he's not right. And this our intellect cannot fathom.

So we are that and we are servants of that. The second part for the fundamental thing is that no matter how high our recognition may be, we have no power to command the Atma. So after the recognition of the Self, if I could say, 'Atma, I command you reveal yourself there. I command you reveal yourself there,' then that one would be God. Who could do that? But because the Atma is God himself in the form of the spirit within us, we are only in reverence and love and servitude to it. Does this mean that the recognition that 'I am that' is false? No, it is not false. It is completely true. I am that in which consciousness takes birth. Consciousness as Saguna Brahman, as God himself in the Saguna aspect, takes birth within me. Is that a lie? It's not a lie. And yet am I still not the most measly insect, mosquito, in service to God? I am. Is my job not to wait on my holy teacher in my heart called the Atma within, who is the presence, the being, the presence of the being of God? It is my job.

So anyone who can proclaim that 'I am that' also has to then recognize that 'I am a servant of that' or 'I'm a beloved of that,' whatever the construct of the relationship may be. And the same place where you see that you are that, also you learn your dharma, your role. You see, so Atma Gyan is not just Gyan of the Atma. We may be mistaken about this. This is an important aspect. When we get Gyan from the Atma, when we get knowledge from the Atma, it is not just 'you are the Self' or 'you are the presence itself.' You see, it is knowledge about how to be, how to live, what to do, what to share, how to love God and your brothers and sisters. You see, to know that all is Maya does not—is not contradictory to loving our brothers and sisters and all living beings in Maya. And where does that knowledge come from? From the same Atma. You see, the same Atma told Arjun that you are beyond birth and death and also told Arjun to kill all those people in the battlefield. Same Atma in the form of the Lord himself. In this case, the Lord was his Guru. The Guru is the same.

That is why it's very important for us to be broad. When we keep ourselves broad, then we can fathom. Maybe we still not be able to fathom the entirety of the Bhagavad Gita, but at least we can fathom more than one chapter then. And it's a fallacy when people say that, 'Oh, based on your temperament you must read only one chapter and that's it.' To fathom the entirety of our spiritual life—our life is not one-dimensional in this way, although it may sound like the highest dimension. That's why the great sage Kabir Ji, who had the highest insight, said that more important than anything else is to learn the dhai akshar of prem, the two and a half letters of love. We must be careful of the mind's ability to make conceptual understanding of very worthy-sounding knowledge. Because we will stain our own clothes. What is that story of that great sage who went through this poor man? And this poor man would just—he didn't know anything but he would only take the name of God. What is that story?

Yeah. This is not how... yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? Can you say?

Yeah. Exactly. Was he and just speaking to God from his heart? Yes. In a very innocent... yeah... taking the name of God in the most innocent way.

And he said, 'I'm foolish. This is not the way to take the name of God. You have to say this and this.' And this man is so innocent. He said, 'I'm so sorry. You know, I didn't know that. Nobody taught me. I'm so sorry. I didn't do it the way he wanted.' He starts to follow this. This man goes home and goes to sleep at night and in his dream God comes and tells him, 'You're so foolish. There was this one person who was talking with me in the way that I love the most. This one was so close to me and now you have pushed him away. You pushed him apart.' Very important.

There's one more like this, that this woman, she was just every day going and calling Krishna the sun. Putting water every day saying that he is the sun and saying every day she would go and put water or something to the sun saying that's Krishna. And somebody sees and says, 'What are you doing? That's not... have you ever heard that the sun is...' then Krishna comes in her dream and says that, 'I'm so thirsty, you haven't given me water.' She says that, 'But they told me you're not Krishna, you're just the sun.' And from the next day she doesn't follow anyone. She continues like the story.

Must have like twisted something with the essence. So whichever way we relate to... Okay. Anyone else wants to share their obstacles or need some help in their prayer? Good. Shall we start putting the poll again? Yeah, I think so. I don't know how to avoid being too quantitative and help. I just wanted to be helpful in the sense that I don't want it to cause guilt, but I wanted to inspire everyone to remember to pray. You can just speak, my dear, don't have to put up hands.

Hi Father. Thank you. Um, first of all I want to share that um, recently I feel ads very powerful. Like, sorry, um, breathing issues. Okay. So yeah, I feel ads very powerful recently. Like before I was just doing it um, without focusing, I was just doing it. Um, but recently because my phone is broken and I cannot listen. Normally I just go to Zoom, my sadhana, and I listen to Guru's meditations and it became so powerful for me. But for some time now I don't have phone, I cannot do this meditation listening. So I started to try ads again after some time and I feel very, very powerful. Like I learned to be focused on that and I realized that I was not focused on that before. And like this now I can relate what you mean by samadhi or this thing, like something is really happening very powerful.

So first I wanted to share this. Um, obstacle is energetic movements and sensations, generally body but not the physical sickness mostly in my case at least, because this body is thank God so healthy. But yeah, generally sensations and energetic movements and I feel I really wait for them to subside. As if life, as if like more than meeting with God, it's like my... I don't know what is that. It's like if everything is cooled down, like everything is in harmony, it means for me to meet with God. It's something like this, you know? I always wait for all the energies to subside so I can share it as an obstacle because all focus is always almost there. If I'm healthy, everything is good, it's okay. But otherwise, whole attention is always to fix the energetic movements and sensations. So, thank you.

Thank you. Okay, I may share something more on this in a while. Um, you can speak, can speak.

I'm... so for me Father, I'm doing the ads prayer. It is very helpful and I feel connected to it. But one major obstacle that I'm facing is I'm constantly trying to validate my prayer, judge my prayer. Like whatever you teach, whatever Ma teaches, whether I'm doing that. And in the process I, I don't know, like not able to be empty or surrender constantly. Like am I... whether my focus is on God, whether I'm loving... you know, all these validation checkpoints. And answer is never like yes, it's always no. Then I try harder and harder. How it happens, Father, for me?

I get it, thank you. So one was energetic movement, one is the chakra, I don't know if... Okay. Anyone else?

Sleepiness.

Sleepiness. Okay. Three.

Courage and faith.

Courage and faith to surrender.

And in the process, I don't know, like, not able to be empty or surrender constantly. Like, am I—whether my focus is on God, whether I'm loving—you know, all these validation checkpoints. And the answer is never like 'yes'; it's always 'no.' Then I try harder and harder. How it happens, Father, for me?

I get it. Thank you. So one was energetic movement, one is the chakra. I don't know if... Okay. Anyone else?

Sleepiness.

Sleepiness. Okay. Three.

Courage and faith.

Courage and faith to surrender. So what happens practically when you're sitting? What becomes the living obstacle in that moment?

If nothing comes out, then I look around and senses and mind, they say 'do this, do that.' But to just discard all that and just wait.

Okay.

So the usual distraction of the mind and the senses. Temptation, they said—no, not temptations in the usual sense of the word, but anything that... I just explain as an example coming from in the bus. I could feel that sensation. And I thought I'll just stay there and whatever it says, it'll do. And I was looking outside the window. 'Is this a spot to get down near my house? Should I ask the driver? Should I check on Google Maps?' All of that. Discard all of that and just say it doesn't matter. Once the voice says 'you get down,' you get down. That courage and faith, right? That's good.

Okay. At the same time, and it lasts for many years.

Faith to do exactly—courage and faith to do God's will rather than following my will. That, fundamentally. So it takes courage to be patient, not rush into things.

So the impatience, the big problem I have. Impatience is we have huge problems. And then also the feeling that, okay, now the idea that I'm trying to leave, that I can't keep my attention or whatever here on presence and still do something else, which I find false, but it's not really allowing me to just—

This creating dichotomy, yeah. Some stories and some other movies. And it creates a world which is—what is the term you use? Bhai uses the term 'dwand.' It creates this in our mind. Just no opposition, like just needless opposition. So what? So what would you say would—

I give you a clue? Okay.

Hello, Father. Is there a lot of background noise because there are a lot of dogs barking outside?

It's completely fine.

Okay. So Father, while praying, I have this confusion, Father, that while praying I need to be empty. Like when I'm praying, it's like very loud in the mind, like I'm fighting simultaneously with something with my mind. So I sometimes stop in between just to calm myself down and then start again the prayer. So I don't know, Father, if that is the right way, because I was not doing like that before. I was just like, if it is vana focus, pray continuously, pray without non-stop.

Thank you. So distractions. Thank you. Thank you.

Can I say, Father?

Yes. Yes. Right. Hello.

Hello. Yeah. Um, an obstacle in this case is a kind of a checker guy. Arrogant. An arrogant checker guy, like let's say, 'Ah yes, I'm doing it well. Ah yes, I can feel God now' or something. And I see that this 'you' generates a kind of destruction and because it's, yeah, is a kind of checking and getting something.

Getting the 'get guy.' Yeah, the 'get guy.' Get all cousins. So what to do? Let's try and go one by one and if I missed out something, just remind me. So when sensations come which are very strong, what to do with them? Just try to be as empty of any judgment as possible, empty of any interpretation: 'this must go, this can be here, this is good, this is bad.' Because without that, you just have to leave it to God's grace once you've let go of your mind and intellect with your attention. You can bring attention to it or try and withdraw attention from it. But when sensations are so strong, they feel so strong because our intention seems to be so fixated with those particular sensations, isn't it? So I would say don't get into a war with them. Don't try to withdraw attention too much. Gently say the name of God and see whether attention becomes a little more broader. But if it seems like a struggle, leave it. Don't worry. As long as you're empty of conceptual ideas, you're not getting trapped in fruitless thinking. All this has to sometimes release itself, and sometimes it's very frustrating as to how long it can take for all of this to empty out. But God is the best judge of that. Just trust that us sitting at the door of the temple is the best healing that can happen to us. And if all the sensations are being released, then that is a very holy release and we must allow that to happen. So not to worry about that too much and also not to look at it as too much of an obstacle. No energy, no sensations are endless. Only God is infinite. So you just have to continue to be patient and allow it to release itself. And if you get some inner prompting that indulging in a particular thing is leading to more of these kind of things being held on, then you must follow that inner prompting as well, so that you have a chance to empty yourselves of all of this. But just follow your heart. Like sometimes we feel like some trauma is being released or some things are just getting out of our system. But the mind pushes things in our day-to-day life so that we end up recreating, re-traumatizing ourselves in some way or the other through some—or creating like too many reminders which almost acts like fresh trauma, you know. So we just dwell on something so much that we never actually release it. It gets released and then we bring it all back in again. So allow our heart to guide us in all of this. Sometimes to look at it and to let it go is good. Sometimes to just let it go without examining is good. And all this will be day to day, minute to minute actually. And therefore the Atma itself will have to guide us as to how to do that. Then it was about the checker guy. What to do with the checker guy? The checker guy will come and say, 'Today very good, today very bad. Now you said the right thing, you said the wrong thing. You are doing it right. You're doing it wrong.' It's just another thought. It's just another thought. Don't give it any more value than a thought which is talking about some random incident that happened that you saw in the news or something like that. So sometimes because of our conditioning, we are so trapped in self-evaluation. You see that our report cards coming from the mind seem very important to us because our education system was also like that. 'How well are you doing? You will see in the report card.' So when the mind offers us a scorecard or report card, then that seems very attractive to us. Yes. Unless you're being nudged in the heart, it has a different flavor, different texture of loving guidance from the heart. You feel the presence of love. You find no haste or rush and no authoritative pushing. You see, because the mind can act like the spiritual teacher very well, but it cannot replicate love in your heart. So if you're feeling guidance coming in the very deep presence of love, then you can treat that as heart guidance. Anyway, the texture will seem like it's coming from a different place, but that takes some maturity, some just being in silence to be able to notice the difference in textures. You see, so the mind can also pretend to be very holy. You know, 'My child, you're doing this wrong. You know, you're a complete mess.' You can suffer, but if you don't buy—no, if you don't buy. So, one good thing is that if you're not sure, just leave it because the Atma is not in a rush. The Atma is infinitely patient. So if you have doubt that 'is this coming from mind or heart,' just leave it. You see, the heart knows your intention is to leave the false. So it won't hold it against you. But as you become clearer and clearer, the presence of love from the Atma becomes clearer to you, then the heart guidance will more and more be seen. So you may find things that you may realize your mistakes. You may find things that you have to be repentant about. But it is done in a very loving, holy classroom. It is not in the oppressive, authoritative bullying of the mind. Even when it's trying to replicate holiness, it can't. So you'll get more and more a deeper sense of this holiness and you can follow from there. And the same thing applies to the—see, some temperaments are attracted to negative reports about themselves. 'I'm such a mess. I'm not doing it well.' Other temperaments are attracted to the getter. 'No, I'm getting it. This is so good. I'm finding God. Yay, I made it.' You know, this kind of stuff. So then that also has to be let go of. So in fact, it was Thomas Keating who said that if Mother Mary herself comes in your prayer one day and tries to tell you something, just very sweetly tell her, 'Not now, dearly. Right now I'm in the middle of contemplation.' I found that very sweet. This is much more sweet than 'if you see the Buddha, kill him.' But the idea is the same: that when we are trying to be empty for God, then we have to be very careful of our mind's tricks trying to scam us into following it in these ways. And then as you deepen, then you will notice that if you see versus imagination—you see something like visions, you see something holy which is guiding you—then that'll have a completely different taste to it. And the rule is simple. If you can doubt whether it's from the mind or heart, just leave it. Just leave. So for a while you may find that you're leaving everything. You're just leaving everything. Everything. But then when you get used to being empty, you will start to notice the inner subtleties, the inner nuances of what is guidance, what is mind still. But know that if your intent is right, God will not lead you in the wrong way. So we got the sensation, we got the checker guy, the getter guy. Just day-to-day distraction. Be sad. Return to your mantra. Return to your chanting. Keep yourself empty for God. So empty for God means just a sheer silence or a silence anchored in love. Either whichever is happening to you. If you feel like by remembering God or an aspect of God, you deepen in your heart and that seems like a very good anchor, use that as well. Pray with all love. If it seems like naturally silence is easier, then just silence is good enough also. Sleep. Sleep. Just sleep. It's okay. Sleep comes like that. Then you just fall asleep many times. Are you able to distinctly notice that you fell asleep or many times it's like an unsuress?

More of a sleepy—

Shama notice you snoring? No, no, no, not that kind of look. But like, one thing is if it is sleepiness, no, then if I go without—I don't know—

If you go with thoughts—

With thoughts.

Going with thoughts, then if I'm restricted, it takes more time to realize that I restricted the kind of—

When you're more sleepy?

Yeah, in-between kind of state. You are not like slept, but—

So sometimes it's all right to sleep because if the body needs rest, you know that it is the Atma itself which is the provider of rest. So don't look down upon it. Trust the rest that comes from our prayer. But sometimes what we also have to do is pick the time where we are most fresh to do the prayer. Many times what we do is we put prayer to last priority. So when we're done with everything else, then we are the most tired, then we say, 'Okay, now I can pray' or something after eating and all that. Yeah. So then those are the times where you may feel the most lethargic sleep. So if your best relationships, your most important job—you will give it your peak time. These things are difficult. I mean, it's too easy to say, but as much as we can implement, we can try and implement. Force yourself to wake up early because that's the time when I release this factor.

Everything else, then we are the most tired. Then we say, 'Okay, now I can pray' or something after eating and all that. Yeah. So then those are the times where you may feel the most lethargic sleep. So if your best relationships, your most important job, you will give it your peak time. These things are difficult. I mean, it's too easy to say, but as much as we can implement, we can try and implement.

Force yourself to wake up early because that's the time when I release this factor. I mean—

Yeah, but if you're then sleepy, like if you didn't get your full sleep and you force yourself with an alarm, then many times—depends on your condition actually—but many times you may start your practice well but you may go to sleep also. So you have to just try out and see for yourself. But one thing I want to tell all of you is that the start of the practice is a human endeavor, but the depth of the practice is a gift of God; it is a supernatural endeavor.

In today's world, unfortunately, we've made sadhana into a very worldly sort of thing. You'll be better at work or you'll be stress-free, which is all fine, which is decent, but really our sadhana is a holy meeting with God and it is done when God pulls us in. So it is meeting with forces which are beyond this physical world, phenomenal world. So we must appreciate the opportunity that we are finding within our lives to be introduced to that which is beyond all the regular forces of the universe. It doesn't operate on gravity and light and sound and time and all of these things. Like even the simple prayer of recollection is not a gravitational force that is pulling you in. You say all our faculties get pulled in. What force is that? It's God. It's like godly. It's not to be found like if I lift this tumbler then the tumbler falls, you see. So that happens because of gravity, we say, no? Or space-time continuum, whatever. But what is happening within us is not happening within our body firstly, and what's happening in that is not physics, not biology, not chemistry. We're leaving the rules of this universe behind and that's why we must have great value for our prayer.

We must not look at it as a chore. We must look at it as a great gift from God himself because we are introduced to that which is not—you can spend a trillion dollars in this world but you cannot create one moment of recollection. We all know what we can achieve. When we go into that holy place, we are pulled in by God into that holy place. We may be the richest in the world. We may have the highest intelligence and intellect. We may have everything materially. We may have the best-looking body. None of that counts inside. None of that counts inside. So it's a great blessing that we are introduced to that which is so beyond value. We are so used to placing value on human things, but what you are introduced to is worth—you can sell this entire universe but you cannot get a moment of it.

So although it may be very helpful in today's modern world to sell these sort of practices in the form of self-help, but at least let's not remove the sanctity and the extreme beauty that is on offer. It is a very pristine process. It's a very sacred thing to be able to go into our heart temple where true knowledge, beauty, truth is found. Satyam Shivam Sundaram is found. It is a very, very sacred process. And the more we treat it as sacred, the more holiness we start to find within our hearts. And therefore I keep emphasizing that it is our intention which is primary. Our methods are secondary. A reverence, our taking it to be sacred, to remember that we are approaching—who is it that we are trying to approach?

You see, sometimes we use the word God so often it's become just another word. And in the world also we use it just so badly for everything. We say, 'Oh my God, oh God,' but we don't actually remember God when we say it. It's just become another figure of speech or something like that. But let's return the honor and the reverence in our remembrance of God. And when we talk about things like the heart temple, we are talking about the most sanctified temple, the most sacred temple, the holiest place. More than any pilgrimage in the world, more than, if I dare say, more than any spiritual place. If I say more than that, I'll get in trouble. But really remember that you know we are missing out on the sacred reality which lives within ourselves. And there only innocence, simplicity, love, faith, patience, gratitude—there only all of this works. There only all of this works.

How much is it worth to us that we know where the door to God is? And for what? What is that worth for which we exchange this? We exchange this for peanuts and pennies. Instead, we must stay here and let everything move from here. Stay with God's presence. Stay in His temple waiting patiently. Whether it seems like you're inside, whether it seems like you're outside, don't waste this opportunity.

I'm sorry Father, after this silence it can seem very personal. Is it okay? So, you just said something while you were replying, this sensation thing. Actually my thing for now at least was not related with traumatic things but more like superficial touching something or this kind of—anyway, when you say you can hear me, yeah?

Yes. Superficial what was it? No, I didn't get the term.

It was not trauma-based energetic movement, but more like when I wear something or when I touch somewhere or when I enter into some kind of space, this kind of thing. But it's not important for now. I wanted to bring something that you just mentioned that I couldn't hear exactly, but if—like when you are healing from trauma, don't step the same thing again. You said something like this.

Better way to put it actually, I didn't put it so—yes. We keep stabbing the same wound again and again thinking that we are healing it. But healing happens when we operate in guidance from the spirit within. You see, so then the spirit guides us in terms of how much something needs our attention and our love, and how much we need to distance ourselves from it. So both things, only the spirit can guide us moment to moment.

So Father, I'm going to start to work today after satsang. Yeah. And it was like the work came to me. I also prayed to you and it was like a work which I was prayed for, you know, with all these things seemingly. But for some time I'm burning with it and I cannot go to work because it's like it's touching all my vasanas and traumas, the whole world. And I worked before a lot, but this one just—yeah, so many traumatic energies it brought up as well, like my social anxiety and even it turned into panic attack. But of course I'm healing thankfully. And yeah, this kind of thing, just so much fear in my body. And because you said this, I again fall into like—maybe I want to work, I want to go, but I became a little bit suspicious. So I wanted to bring it to you. Of course, at least maybe I can give a try. I don't know if you say so.

Yes, the attempt is to do our work like we are working for God, or at least try to be empty for God. Surrender everything to God. Let Him run your work. Let Him be the boss. Just these simple, simple things then will prevent us from any sort of new trauma creation or re-traumatizing ourselves in any way.

And one more thing is that before also the work came to me, I was of course burning so much with work and money stuff, but a lot, a lot in it stopped. And of course I was praying to God, I was crying to God and really was very—and first time, I'm sorry to confess it, but I feel like I need to confess it. First time, I'm so sorry to say this, but verbally I cursed Guruji. I blame him for this. But now I see that it's never about him. But now, like what I wanted and what has come to me, but I feel so—it feels like it's nothing because I just did this and I feel so bad. And I don't even know, like it came like this but it's nothing, you know? Like yeah, what I wanted was given to me but after that it's nothing. Like I'm sorry, but I feel it. It's not even—I don't know Father, I'm sorry. I cannot, I don't want to do anything without him.

As long as we notice our mistake and we promise to ourselves that we don't repeat this mistake, God is merciful. God is kind. Don't have to worry.

Yeah. Yeah. But still we shall not do this.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. We must never—what was in the book of Job that we've spoken about? What was the plan from the devil, Maya? The plan was that: take this devotee of God and make them such that they end up cursing God himself. You see, so not just neutral to God, but to become actively opposed to God is what Maya wants from us. You see, so we must not curse God in any way. We must not curse our teachers even though they frustrate us at times, especially this one. So we must not curse them and we must not curse any of our brothers and sisters actually.

Yes, Father. Not our brothers and sisters.

We must not. And many times I see—I was trying to explain to my kids but maybe it'll take some time—but sometimes it just, the habit starts very casually, then it just becomes part of language and then it just escalates from there. So we must not get into any of this anger with our brothers and sisters, especially not God and teachers. We must not curse anyone actually.

Yeah. Recently God is showing me this, Father. Because in our religion it is a little normalized. But anyway, actually what I feel like also recently I wanted to share this: rather than cursing, we just have to—not even need to or we should, but we have to—like as a sadhu, we have to pray for those who are doing wrong to us. I start to really feel the truth of it. Like when Jesus said—I start to see the truth in this, like we are responsible to pray for them. It's not just 'you should'.

Yeah, we are responsible. Very, very good. It is our job, it is our duty. Yes, very good. There you go. After knocking, I press my ear against heaven's door. I listen intently for footsteps to approach. That's a very important point. That praying is more about listening than about speaking.