The 'I Am (3 Choices) But...' Game - 9th October 2016

It was always... I know I'm awareness and it's getting clear that even like when I'm in the dynamic world, the person comes back, but it's being seen that I don't have to... if it feels like that, it doesn't mean it is like that. Okay, so I'm grappling. I mean, it's coming. Just now, I just listened with my mind instantly, and then as I listened with that thing, so it's hopefully just being in satsang, you know? I'm just being a little also along being of hand.

Please do not have this kind of reaction. 'I'm awareness, but some prior conditioning is still coming.' So instead of saying 'coming,' let's say 'going.' Yeah, it's coming to go. Yeah.

And there's a doubt. And the doubt is that it's like... if I'm running from here, especially my buttons are my parents and my family and you know that thing. And there's a fear that, you know, this seeing which is so absolutely, I mean, clear—no doubt, I mean, it's the direct experience—but since in the morning which were just, you know, just something, whatever... this fear still remains that, you know, these ones, this father and you know, the family issues are going to again, you know, bring the person rather than full awareness.

Now look, so for her, the 'but' is: 'I am awareness and conditioning is going, but first, some favorite stories might still feel attractive.' The father, whether whatever, whatever the stories might be. Has he come back? To go, he had to come back. Ever? He can come back in this moment. I mean, there's no 'but' in this moment. Look, which one?

I am awareness.

Louder.

I'm awareness.

Louder. Louder.

I am awareness!

Louder. Everywhere.

I am awareness!

Very good. You see the sense of the game again? In this moment, there is no 'but.' But in this moment, there is no 'but.' But in the next moment, I don't know, there could be. Or 'but if things catch me sometimes.' Instead of the 'but,' what happens to awareness? Okay, we'll come to that. I don't want to spoil it for you. Especially the point is that I am that which is resetting it. So, for the two options: 'I'm awareness, but...' or 'I am being or consciousness, but...' or 'I don't see either of these because...'

Okay, I feel like the voice... knowing like it's a nuclear big one of a dream. Okay, the way my son... oh, my son. What if there's a 'but'? It is just that there seems to be no... I'm gonna take to know more. The world seems to become controlled, whether or not that is always known. Like when I was very little, awareness or not? Huh. Well, I always know, yeah, that I am awareness or not. Yeah, that is the 'but.' Yeah, since two years old.

Well, we had 'my favorite stories are a bit attractive,' 'some prior conditioning comes back,' and 'I wonder if this will last forever or not.' Both of you are basically seeing that, 'No, I know this is true right now, but I don't know about whether this is to be true tomorrow or when we are out of the retreat.' Yes. So somebody remember these... really remember. It could be Father. It seems it's not one of your dreams. It seems not. Yeah, I know, but one of the three. Gosh, drop chickens today. One of the three. So the two options are 'but' or 'because.' Mother, no, you are Linda.

I am awareness, but something. I see that I am consciousness, but something. I don't see either because something. Okay, I don't see now that because I feel more of like... I don't think instead of saying that I am something, I have nothing. Okay, got it. So we like that. I am awareness, but as consciousness, I am giving belief to an appearance, thoughts, and not valuing or pure beingness. Not living in pure beingness.

There is a clear recognition of being aware, but not being awareness. Not being awareness. Okay, maybe we should... this one has been in particular I want to write down, which is he says: there is a clear recognition of awareness, but it is not seen that I am awareness. This one we can make note of. Very important. There is recognition of awareness, but it is not clear that I am awareness. Let's get it right. It's not really the point, just for me. Okay, so what do you want to know? Both options? 'I still have awareness, but...' 'I am consciousness, but...' 'I don't see either because...'

Come back, right? Got it. I've got it. To say 'I am awareness' doesn't quite cut it. Doesn't quite cut it.

And what 'cuttable' would be good? And for something better in words?

Like after having talked to you recently, I'm awareness, but I know it will oscillate. Oscillate is my home.

It's a bit like what we were also saying about the conditioning coming back of the stories. 'I'm awareness, but the oscillation might happen later.'

I'm awareness, you know, but firstly, I cannot say what I am. I don't know what rings true the most among the three. I know I'm not consciousness because I see I am aware of consciousness. Okay, or at least I believe I am aware of consciousness. And consciousness, of course, by stories and all of that stuff. There is a deep sense of awareness, but it would be a lie to say I'm awareness. And also there is this thought or fear—I'm not quite sure what it is—that gets bought, which is 'something can happen to me.'

So there seems like there is a certain recognition of awareness, but it is not clear how that is me. And also the particular aspect of the conditioning, which is this fear that something might happen to me. Feel good, right? And I was going to say something, but I forget. Thank you.

It is clear that I'm awareness, but I still buy my personal conditioning and thoughts and dive into the play.

The play is too attractive. Let's put it in that bucket. Hmm.

I believe that I'm awareness. I have complete trust in you and I believe so. And also checking, I feel that nothing seems to affect me. Your killings there in Munich or somebody falling sick, nothing. No emotion. But still, I feel if I am awareness totally, it should have opened a different reality which is not there. It's my belief.

So is your belief in 'I am awareness' just a belief, or is it a recognition that I am awareness? I mean, I can't recognize... thank you. It is a lie to say that.

So there is a recognition of awareness, yes, but there is a particular condition which is that if I was awareness, then the phenomenal existence would be framed in some way.

Yes. Is that yes? My chest exists, I exist. Nobody. Okay, very good. So this is the second one. I am consciousness or beingness with no 'but'.

I really don't know what to say. All right. But it's pretty sure that everything is here now. I have awareness, but... or I am consciousness, but... there is no 'but' to which one.

I dare. I dare be right there. I dare. In what way?

Because there's a play that will happen through me and I dare to see what's happening. I'm fearless. I don't care. But I am willing to explode and die now, right now. Because that's why I am here. And I dare anything. Death, anything. Fire, anything. I am prepared for anything.

So with this courage, when you look now at whatever, what do you find?

A free 'no' as what I'm going and being seen. Everything is there. This beingness, this... and that is also seen. So it's effortless. It's getting very easy, very, very easy.

Why? Over the first parts, they seem to have more power in this part. Visualizing something because it's dynamic living. This dynamic living. All of them will check for who you are, what is happening to you, because I can see that there is a dynamic living every day. Something, something will be a big job. And I'm not worried about what I think. I'm not worried about the 'but' part. No, I'm not. What are you fundamentally?

Fundamentally, I am totally awareness. I'm total joy, total abundance now, right now.

If you had to pick between the real reality of who... between awareness or being, what would it be?

Constancy. But I don't need states and don't need states. It's all tasted already. And in constancy, and ninety percent... huh, ninety percent. Ninety percent, yes. I know, yeah, know. Now I'm talking about just now. No, now I'm ninety percent know.

Yeah. What is it directly that you know between the three?

I know I am awareness, but... but the master has to unfailing... well, this is a mind game. Either by questioning or leaving my story of five months. I love this thing. First, maybe the mind is playing that you can check it by questioning. Second one, I know I am consciousness, subject to the approval of the master. But well, it's a mind game. Ninety-nine point nine percent.

Very good. So he says, 'I am awareness, but there is a condition of confirmation from a credible source, which is the master.' This, yes. But both. 'I am awareness now. It's clear that I must be awareness all the time, but most of the time I lose myself in personhood. I have awareness, but I lose myself to the conditioning most of the time.' There is recognition of awareness, but the mind seems to be stuck in something, doing one thing, going. Recognition of awareness as 'I' or just as a separate awareness?

As 'I'. As 'I'.

So there is recognition of 'I' as awareness, but... but the mind seems to be stuck into a shape. The mind is stuck in a shape. And that mind of attraction seems to be... to be attached. So forward. So we were at the same thing. Yes, because our favorite story might be road worship. Yes, nothing so boring. The sense of awareness. And is there an 'I' which is separate from this? Oh, so is there a distinction between saying 'I am awareness' versus 'there is a sense of awareness'?

If you use them as awareness, there's no 'I'. There is no... there's no ego. There's no ego.

Right. So the 'I am-ness' is close. They are not afraid of being called the reality of what you... yeah. So the mind by way of its favorite conditioning... but that's also seen. That's also seen. If you like, when it's in meditation, it's fine. But I'm still... please, everyone can hear. 'I am awareness in meditation,' but outside, yeah, for outside, I'm still close. You're still chilly outside. I'm still very identified to the person, I guess. I'm still picking up these stories and conditions.

Okay. So 'I am awareness, but outside of certain or meditation experiences, I still am identified with the conditioning.' Yeah. And the tensions in the body is one. Attention to the body. The body was a part of the conditioning. Maybe can we put labor? Yeah. And I'm where I'm going and every time I check, I'm awareness. Anybody? So I would say mature for work without the manpower to something false. I would you say that I'm something like... as consciousness, I seem to be acclimatizing to formlessness. Maybe it's still a little bit unusual to reach. It's not all, but I guess it's a no-doubt by 'but' wise.

Okay, safe. But most as I... business also pick up a third deck bar testing there in spite of seeing. But is touch otherwise? Why is there... to pick up a thought, is that in itself not thought?

Yes, but it gets picked up with this one. Some power over you. Yes, sometimes there's other 'but' like this is a person might be person, the crying tears at like some time.

Okay, write this one down. Awareness itself might be personal. Yes, same for consciousness. We shall look at this way. Sometimes who's left? You. One is me and I'd awareness nor consciousness. Then what are you?

Not knowing which is which cannot be described in words. And somehow it's not a courageous confession that... and it is because then I met Guruji first time, yes, here. So order... well, external events fine because he will be preserved. It came to sandwich. Mind felt this was it and this is the glimpse, but immediately it came back to say it was a void. A void. And after that, everything just was dancing for distractions and like every level. And I asked you, I mean this... I may say 'I' but it is not really a little kids. This is distraction and not... so it took me to some people. Yeah, it is very boring. It is not what is. It is... hey, it wasn't a glimpse which was like this. No, it is the way that I am talking to you. It's not something it took me to play. I ordered 'I am' and so you're boring. No, Chris for the line probable. It came back like that.

So there was one prayer that arose that time that I have written from this place a lot of times like: 'I, the mind-body, went. Don't let me return. This is it.' And when grace brought me to you and you that question that didn't leave and everything else also that keeps coming, keeps me... keep bringing this. This which is here has been even before the spiritual journey or whatever they, whatever. Yeah, I can't describe like 'I' the person cannot describe.

So can you ask us right now? And mind could... there was a quit. This 'I am consciousness, but something' is red wait. So there is... yeah, with integrity have to say I'm neither awareness nor consciousness, and something which is there even when they are not playing. Yes, yes. So in for something when they are not playing, you're aware of this. It's not a thing. It's... and it is not your business to be aware. It is knows.

Yes. What is the difference between 'knows' and 'awareness'?

Awareness here, it is experience. There has to be something external or somehow. Okay, so that is what we call the person cheering. Okay, and awareness also is knowing that you exist with this that I'm talking about. Doesn't even care that this body is this or not. You. Yeah. So this just knows and is not concerned with anything on the phenomenal plane, not even the body. This is what you are finding when you look for yourself. Yes, very good. So don't worry about terminology. Don't worry about terminology. I don't want to favor one terminology over another. It doesn't matter. You're coming to beautiful recognition. Who's left?

I don't know. Like remember you asked the question, the word seems useless. Yeah, that's the best what I can say. My crewmen one needs to be answered. I am feeling what it is now. What is what it is. So the moment didn't effort to go back to reference or something, it just feels like silence. It just feels like stay quite. That's it. I cannot say anything.

This is fine for now. He just completely... and also we give given some time to relax into the retreat.