The Essence of Self-Realization - 21st August/25th September 2015

So then we come to the seeing more and more that no person here exists. There is nobody there to suffer. This is how it starts, usually. Then some question might arise through the teacher or through your own intuitive sense: 'Okay, the person does not exist. I am not that which I always presumed myself to be. Then who am I?' And it is great auspiciousness if this question arises. You cannot find this identity or the ego or the person, but I do sense that I exist. I cannot deny my existence. I am only concerned now about who I am. What is it that I am?

Then the teacher says, 'Just look at what is here, unchanging, unmoving. What is here?' He says, 'Don't be interested in that which is coming and going, because if God is real, if the Atma is real, then it cannot come and go. What is it that is ever-present here?' Then we realize that that which is ever-present is my own sense that I exist. Not the thought 'I exist,' but the sense that I exist. I am. Therefore, the teacher says, 'Can you stop being now?' And it becomes clear that no, of course not. I cannot stop being. There is a presence. 'I' is the presence. 'I am' here. This cannot be switched off. And then we can say, 'I have this. This is always here. I am that.' This is your own self-discovery as God, because it is God who said, 'I am that I am.' But the label is not important.

And this is very beautiful because we find that every single appearance here is only in the presence of this 'I am.' So this 'I am' is revealed in all traditions. You can call it Om, you can call it Atman, Consciousness, Being, God, Self. Many even call it the Self. We come to this beautiful point of discovery, and most traditions stop here, actually. It is enough to come to this discovery: 'I am that I am.' And this is very, very beautiful. You see that every single expression arises out of this sense 'I am.' Even the expression of different forms of God Himself are just expressions from here as an associated being, just as pure 'I am.' But there is an urge for Krishna to be here, and Consciousness itself feels to take the form of Krishna, and He is here. Even before now, if it says, 'I want to taste myself as Shiva,' then Shiva is here. Jesus is here. Consciousness is completely unlimited.

So many of you have come to this realization as sentient beings, but there is something in the mind which underestimates the beauty of this Beingness. So we can say that we started off with just a belief that 'I am a person.' Then we come to the discovery that I have always been this presence, this presence of God. It is the discovery that I have always been this, not that I have now become this after Satsang. It's not that I have become something; I have always been this. For some of you, naturally, an even deeper question might arise. It says, 'I am aware of even this presence. In this presence of I am, I am aware.' There is awareness of this Being. It is completely clear that there is awareness of Being, just like there is awareness of phenomenal entities and objects.

Therefore, we can say that it is the same to say, 'I am aware of the presence.' It's the same as saying, 'I know that I am aware of the presence,' which is the same as saying, 'I am aware that Awareness is here.' Otherwise, you would not say, 'I am aware of the presence.' You know that there is awareness of presence, and you are aware that there is awareness even of presence. Therefore, whatever the content might be—it might be this presence, or it might be a thought, it might be some sensation, it might be an external physical object—but you are clear that there is awareness of this. Therefore, you are already aware that there is Awareness.

To be able to say that 'I am aware' means that you know it directly. For you, this is the simplest thing. For the mind, it is impossible because there is no phenomena which is experienced in this way. The awareness of Awareness is actually the only non-phenomenal experience. The only other thing that comes close to this is the experiencing of time. You do not taste it phenomenally, yet you are aware of the movement of time. In that way, at least, you can experience it. But for Awareness being aware of itself, the movement cannot be just simply here. So we're not doubting the existence of Awareness. What we are always doubting is, 'I'm not sure whether I got it.' And yet, in that same instant, we say, 'Yes, there is awareness of objects, awareness of something.' That means it's clear that it is awareness of; it is not 'beingness' of an object. You're not saying, 'I am being an object.' You are saying, 'I am aware of an object.' To be able to say this itself means that it is seen. It is seen that I am aware that I am aware. I know that I am aware.

And when checked, I cannot find any space between myself and this Awareness. No distance between myself and this Awareness. I find no place where this Awareness is not. If I see that wherever I check, I must be there to check, then I am everywhere that Awareness is. I find no separation, no distance between myself and this Awareness. When you check, is there anywhere that Awareness is not? It seems so. We can say that to say that 'I am here' means that there is an awareness that I am here. So we cannot now find the real difference between saying 'I am' and 'Awareness,' since this sense of difference or some separation between myself and Awareness itself we cannot find. Even if there was an idea that there's something prior to Awareness, that Awareness must be there to be aware of it.

So we see that this is my nature, my absolute nature: this Awareness which is aware even of the presence of 'I am.' Now, the mind, if it has some energy left, will follow all this talk and say, 'I can't get it still. So what? Nothing really happened. How does this help you?' All this kind of resistance can come, and yet you see that all of this is seeming. I am aware of all of this, and the pictures are coming and going, and I am still here. Whatever the appearance might be, it is coming and going, and I am just aware of it. It really does not touch me. Nothing happens to me. No matter what the appearance is, this Awareness remains untouched, unmoving through time and space. The play of time and space happens inside me, you see?

So we started off with a belief, with no evidence—just a belief and very circumstantial evidence—that 'I am a person.' Then we said, 'I find no person when I look. I find nothing. No person is here.' And yet, I cannot deny my existence, that I am here. I cannot deny this. Therefore, I must be this presence, 'I am.' And then something can say, 'Even this Being, I am aware of it. I'm aware that there is an awareness of this Being.' Therefore, when we ask the question, 'Am I aware now?' you simply see that Awareness is here. And after it is seen that Awareness is here, then the mind comes and says, 'Oh, because you're aware of objects, therefore we can come to this conclusion that Awareness is here.' But not before. See what is actually happening. There is already awareness of these thoughts. That means you see that there is awareness of these thoughts. There is awareness that there is awareness of thought. There is awareness that there is awareness of Being.

And I know this list of words can seem like they're the most confusing, abstract things you've ever heard. For some of you, it can seem like the most confusing, abstract thing I have ever heard. Don't try to make sense of it. Don't work hard for that. Don't try to put some effort to get this. Let these words unfold on their own in your heart. When you do the inquiry, don't do it with the sense of 'I must get it,' because the mind will always come at the end and say, 'No, still you didn't get it.' So 'I must get it' must come as confirmation from the mind, and the mind has no idea about this. We left it far behind. It is just another projection of Being. So we left it far behind.

What gives me the conviction that I am aware of something? Whatever the 'something' might be, how do I know that I am aware of it? We are sure that we are aware of whatever it is that you might see. You see first that there is a seeing of it that is happening. Because the content which is moving changes, but the seeing itself is not moving. And I don't mean phenomenal seeing happening through the eyes, through sensory seeing. I'm talking about this pure perceiving, this sense of being aware. There is something which is clear, unmoving, and the content is constantly changing. Thoughts, sensations, appearances, states—they all change. You say that 'I had a dream.' Who is this which is aware of all of these states coming and going?

So what happened now? The one who came with the checklist of things to buy now realizes that 'I was not a thing at all. I am not a thing at all. I am just this Awareness which cannot be found in this time and space.' And then the checklist has no meaning left, because the checklist-holder itself has no meaning left. Then you find that my own nature is here, which is unmoved by the presence of any states. Then you find that all of this love, this joy, appear in my service. I am not in service to them; they are in service to me. So we can say that nothing happened through all of this because this one was always this Awareness. Or you can say that the best thing happened. We need not be stuck with terminology. I mean, it's okay even if you want to be stuck with terminology, to come to this seeing that 'I am the seeing itself.' Come to this awareness of Awareness itself. You cannot say anything about it, actually. We do not even say it's the purest or most amazing. No attribute makes sense here.

This is all that this beautiful, auspicious play of Satsang is about. The rest is just insight. Life is without any mental meaning. Life does not need any mental interpretation. It does not need any mental understanding. And I am that primal seeing which sees like that. I am that primal seeing which is untouched even by life. What can happen in this life that can have meaning for me? That in which life takes life, what is here? What can be a companion to the eternal life? And how can I get attached to that which is no longer than a blink? In that in which time is born, what can time give to me? In that in which space is born, I need no space. And that which gives life to life, and that which death cannot kill—all of these are my toys: death, time, and space. I am here now. No name you can give me, yet I am that from which all names and forms come. Neither waking nor sleep, nor dream or beyond. All of this universe, and yet this universe is not apart from you. You can never find me in an appearance. I do not appear or disappear. You cannot find me with knowledge because I cannot be known. No practice or effort can bring us closer because there is no distance between us. You cannot find me with anything that you do, because I am that which you already are.