Take It to God Whatever It May Be - 16th October 2024

So maybe the lightest possible note at which we can start this is to—I got reminded of St. Teresa of Avila. She was contemplating somebody who was very, very good, very faithful to God, and going through a very rough time. So she got this sense—maybe I'm misremembering the story, but this is the essence that stayed with me—she got a sense intuitively, or someone told her, that 'Yes, it is my friend,' like God saying to her that 'My friends in this world are known to have a rough time,' you see? And possibly God was talking specifically about Jesus in that case, but then she said, 'Maybe that's why, God, you have so few friends in the world.' It's very difficult to have faith, especially when we go through times which are tough times, but we can't find a cause.

Like, we can understand somebody who is bad in our eyes going through a bad time because you said he did so much bad, so he's going through bad times. Somebody who's very good going through good times, we can understand and say, 'Yes,' you see? But somebody that seems so good to us and is possibly very good going through terrible times, there is a great challenge in the intellect to really look at that, to really try and fathom that, to try and meet that. And that is why it's a beautiful exploration which in every tradition you have some examples, like there could be a Raja Harishchandra or there could be a Job, where there are these examples of great, great human beings who go through such tough times that are so beyond the concept of—far from what we can fathom and far from what we can imagine them to have deserved in any way.

So, and it's very possible for these things to come in our lives, and they may come in my life also tomorrow. I was saying that it's very possible that something may happen here and tomorrow I may lose my faith. Who can tell? It's very difficult because faith is quite a fragile thing. Faith is—we work on deepening it for years and years, but it may take just one event to break it and we may have to restart. But one way possibly we can start this exploration is that the very idea of goodness or rightness, which seems so universal—and if it was just a bundle of flesh that we were just roaming around or evolved from just phenomenal things, then how can something like this become so universal? Where does it come from?

Even to say that this is unfair, even on God's part to behave to do this or to behave like this is unfair, but where does the very origin of fairness come from? And how is that a universal principle? What makes it universal? Or goodness, or truth, or niceness, or kindness, or compassion? So like we were saying the other day, that as we live in His presence within ourselves, we find that our outer expression usually becomes very loving, kind, and compassionate. But even those who are not spiritual, even those who may be active atheists, may have to agree that kindness, compassion, truth, goodness—all of these things are on the right side of some equation and not on the wrong side of some equation. So where does that right side come from? What is the origin of that? Because I don't see it coming from, like, single-cellular organisms then becoming multicellular then becoming this.

So that right feeling, right good feeling, right truth feeling, right, you see? And I was just watching a documentary on a saint, St. Thomas More, who actually gave up his life because he was the last one standing in England in the court of Henry VIII who disagreed with him. And he could have easily, just for lip service, taken an oath which could have conveyed that he's not against him, and he could have said—he could have saved his life. But what makes it—and why do we call these people great who end up even taking such a strong stand for principles that they're willing to give up their life on it? So why? What makes these principles greater than life, you see? So it must come from something which is beyond this life, beyond just this existence from birth to death.

Could it be the same source which is the source of love in all of us, which is also the source for what is good, what is right? And how is it that we find that when we rush and we go, when we don't wait, we are not patient enough for God's will to move us, do we find ourselves creating more separation, more unkindness, more lack of compassion? So let's say that we don't take God to be a being, we just take God to be some sort of energy field or something like that, which is very popular in the world today. This energy field seems to guide us on everything that is right and wrong, seems to provide love to us, care to us. The only source of rest is this; the only source of true insight is this. In its presence we feel deep love; out of its presence we feel tiredness and dissatisfaction and we don't get sleep at night, you see? Everything happens away from Him.

So I don't see that there's anything that a being should have that this, if it was an energy field, doesn't have. It doesn't seem like it's just some floating cloud which is energetically activated. And if there is, then who has designed this so beautifully, you see? There must be a living intelligence which is at the source of it all. So insights from our own contemplations about this, as well as the words of great sages, I feel like can deepen our faith in the living being of God. And because it's a constant exercise in faith, it brings us to a deeper and deeper innocence and letting go of our limited ideas of what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad.

So what happened is Job went through all this tough time, then his three friends or four friends came to meet him, and in one way or the other they all said to him that, 'You must have done something wrong, that's why God is doing this, otherwise God would never do this to you.' Now that is a great misunderstanding of faith, and that's why I don't talk about karma much because—anyway, that's a separate satsang, we'll talk about that separately. The idea that we can understand the reason for every outcome that plays out in this world, you see, is too limiting to God's intelligence. And if you really audit the content of our understanding, there's nothing there, you see? At least our conceptual understanding, there's really nothing there. Everything can be argued with and everything can be discarded if you argue against it well enough.

So it is not—our conceptual understanding is not built on anything fundamentally strong. That's why in the ancient Greeks, there was a time where their definition of good or bad was whoever wins the debate, you see? That is right and the one who loses is wrong. So then another philosophy was that we can't tell right now, we'll see what the outcome is, and if the outcome turns out to be good, then your action was good, but if the outcome turns out to be bad, then your action was bad, you see? So basically over and over we admit to ourselves that we don't have the capacity to gauge, because our field of view is so limited that we don't really have the capacity to gauge goodness from badness, right from wrong.

And if our conceptual understanding was the only tool we had, then all of humanity would be fully lost, which most of humanity seems to be. But in my experience, I have to say that the only stability against that way of life, that style of living, is to be anchored to this living presence of the Atma within, to be in the discipleship of the Satguru presence within, which reveals what it has to. It provides the hard lessons at times, it provides reassurance at times, you see? So that is what I have to say in some sense. And also that as more and more we are starting to live in the presence of this one, it will become more and more difficult for us to say that it's a sort of this phenomenal energy field or something like that. As you spend more time with the Atma within, you realize that it is a super living being. The mind's idea could be it's a lesser being; it's actually a much greater being than any individual human could ever aspire to be. In fact, the so-called individual human beingness comes from this being.

On the topic, yes, can you put a light on how to deal with chronic pain, for instance? With what? Chronic pain. Its deeper meaning or how to deal with this.

I can try. I can try. I'm not certain I'll have good answers, but I have suffered from some pain which has not been persistent over years, but sometimes for some months there's been some pains here. One of the things which is very clear to me is that an accepted pain...

Dual human beingness comes from this being on the two um around this topic. Yes, can you put a light on the uh on how to deal with chronic pain, for instance? With what chronic pain, it's the deeper meaning or how to deal with this?

I can try. I can try. I'm not certain I'll have good answers, but I have suffered from some uh pain which has not been persistent over years, but sometimes for some months there's been some pains here. Uh, one of the things which is very clear to me is that an accepted pain feels a lot less painful than a resisted pain. A pain which is uh not fought against seems easier to manage met in the spaciousness of being, you see. So let's look at pain as a set of sensations. So you observe these set of sensations and you start to realize that your being has infinite space for every sensation to come and there is room for it, and the being is not actually affected that deeply by the set of sensations itself. In fact, uh, I don't know if it is possible for us to have more pain than the being can manage or handle. So I feel like there would be a loss of consciousness um if that were to happen.

But when this physical sensation of pain gets mixed up with 'When will this go?', 'Why am I having this?', 'It's been so long', 'It's so unfair'—all of this—then as a as a when we are fighting a match against these two players in doubles, then it seems very, very difficult to manage. You see, when the mind is saying da-da-da and the pain is asking for all the attention, you see, then it seems very, very difficult to manage. So the more we learn to rest in our being, the more we learn to be in the presence of God, in with the Atma within, and not so reliant on our mental conclusions, not so easily going with our mental resistance, then the pain seems uh easier to manage. Maybe just a little easier. I'm not I'm not saying that the pain will go away or it will not seem painful, but uh this accepted pain feeling a little less painful than um a resisted pain is one aspect of my experience.

The other experience is that when I'm in pain, it is uh one very good thing happens to me, which is that I lose my pride. A little bit of pain comes, my pride is the first to leave, you see. So and I've seen this with many people, um sometimes older people also uh in my life. So I noticed that when they would fall sick or get into some sort of pain, they would lose that, you know, that pride, that Antahkarana would not be that strong. So I notice here also that um something here becomes like a little baby when there is pain, you see. So that innocence is a gift of that pain. And when we feel like we don't know how to handle it, when we don't know how to deal with it, then it brings us back to that, you know? And it's very difficult to feel to feel physical pain and pride at the same time. I don't know if you noticed uh this, that when there's a lot of physical pain, firstly all our attention goes to that, so it's very difficult to take any positions. But very naturally we become quite innocent and childlike when this pain is here.

So acceptance, surrender it to God, use it as an opportunity to deepen in our love for God. Kunti said she had this prayer, she said that 'I don't pray when I'm not suffering, but I pray when I am suffering. So if it is suffering that makes me pray, please Krishna give me more and more suffering.' It is this is the easy from here I'm saying about myself that I can have lip service about this prayer, but can I truly mean it from my heart? There are some moments where I can and some moments where I can't. I'm not going to sit here and say that I can always mean this prayer from my heart, that 'Give me more suffering if that brings me closer to you, God.' But sometimes um it does seem true. It's like that we keep offering it up to God and uh have faith that He knows, that He loves us, that He will He will have time to look into this or He is looking into this right now. And in His power everything everything is easy, nothing is difficult.

So in spite of all of these things, if this pain continues, then at some level we have to have faith in Him. And this pain, I do realize that uh words are often not useful when you go through when we go through this kind of pain, words are not always useful. But I do have trust that if these strong lessons come to some of us in our lives, I feel like God will make sure that we understand, we learn the messages of those lessons as well, whether they are expressable or ineffable. That is different. Have you seen this? A lot of times you feel like, like I feel at this point I know a lot less spirituality than I did five years ago, but I feel like there's an ineffable understanding which is greater than it was five years ago, you see. So a lot of the lessons of the Atma we cannot put into words. We don't know what changes, but something makes us more patient. We don't know what changes, but something makes us more loving, more kind. We don't know what happened, but we don't pick anger and frustration as often as we used to.

So can I say, okay, this is what happened? Sometimes like we may say that God sent me an Amma's video where she said don't get angry, and since that day I made wholehearted attempt to not get angry and I don't feel like I've truly lost my temper. Uh, but uh but that irritation thing also I've been working on for the past many weeks and slowly it seems to be getting better. I could pour water on it one day by losing my cool fully, but uh so sometimes we can say, okay, this made this happen like that, or this led to a stronger resolution uh for this. But even then, most of the work that happens within us, 99% of it is wordless. It is wordless. So what does pain teach us? Why does it happen to us? We can't really say. For you could easily say, like I could easily have said ten years back, that we can look at everything as a gift from God. But I realize that with a little more gray hair, I realize that it's not always in that moment possible for everyone to look at it as a gift from God. Maybe we have to go through that cycle of first looking at it as a some sort of a punishment from God, then looking at it as some sort of a test from God, and then maybe come to a point where we start looking at it as a gift from God. And if it's not true and you can look at it as a gift from God immediately, that is beautiful of course. But uh as long as we keep God involved in the picture, I feel it'll be all right.

Thank you, Master. Thank you for this sharing. I really can see it as a gift from God, but also to see that um this opposite of being fully in alignment with God and only in love and in bliss, and when the pain comes it triggers being identified with the body or anxiety shows up or or or this. So it's in the background always seen as a gift. So this reminder is very, very helpful. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. All my love, all my thank you, thank you, thank you.

Uh, this question of um how we are now wondering if God is kind of if God is good and um and I I was thinking that you know once we make God also like in a way it's when we say that He is a real being, then I think we also can fall into the trap of then saying that He is always like in our our conditioned mind's way of imagining a loving being who's always kind and good. And then what happens is that then we then we are starting to judge this other being and then we're actually very far from any peace or any love inside. And um I'm kind of lost the plot, but I don't know what the plot is, but I think I was thinking that maybe when it is deeply felt that all there is is God, that is to me then the only sort of letting go of this um this this um I mean this this intellect even trying to understand.

And um I was thinking also that you know this we call presence is actually absence. It's absence of me. It's there always. It's not anything that's come visiting or... and so God is all there is. And then my... because so often, you know, when you have a... like people who have known one over the years, mostly it happens with close family, they will say that 'What is this? You're so in love with God, but see what all He's up to.' And this is a common kind of rising of of feeling that comes or a conversation that happens. Um, and I have been very quiet on this. I I don't don't have answers, but internally I have freed myself of the question. I have no answer, but I have freed myself of the question, you know? Yeah, because it did me no good and it was a very odd thing that I am sitting and judging that which is the only truth and then actually also finding sometimes that when I'm um yeah, like I just actually lost everything in doing that. Yeah.

And I was thinking also that see, you know, when we say that, you know, we we make so if we give the the same judging to ourselves exactly um broken I broken people's hearts, which I think is very serious, more than even killing someone sometimes. It's a painful thing you mean to people or... and um and then I come back and and God is there. He if if I if I... and so it's like He's not saying, 'Hey listen, you you did all this nonsense, now go be now don't why are you coming to me?' So I don't know, these are just my thoughts and I I wanted to share that I think sometimes it's okay to... yeah, that's it.

That's that's right. This is very good contemplation and we can talk about which question to leave and which question to keep in a moment. But one of the things um that is being contemplated here ever since we got Aslan is that, and I shared also in... so unless you are someone who feels that all this intelligence, all this light, all of this beauty of life, all of this came from just a nothingness and sheer inertness led to all this activity and all this light and sound, which is very difficult to believe actually, that from uh not the 'no thing' of spirituality, but a sheer limbo nihilistic nothingness led to intelligence being born and then all of this coming from just like a dark empty room or something like that. So I feel like it's quite reasonable actually in the world to just presume that there must be a greater intelligence which led to this intelligence, you see. For the because for the smaller to lead to a greater is quite strange even for our intellect.

So if there is a greater intelligence which led to the intelligence of even if you not say the universe, if we say the intelligence of humanity, greater intelligence um led to the intelligence which humanity has been given. So as a gap between that intelligence and human intelligence versus um the human intelligence and the intelligence of a dog, who is our new baby now, Aslan—which would we say is a bigger gap? Between God and humanity, if you're being quite straightforward about it and not stupidly proud because we have no idea about how any of this happened? So so now the contemplation was that what can I do that will make Aslan understand that that injection that he's getting is actually for his good? When we took him to the vet for vaccination, what is it that I could do that will really explain to him that this pain that he's feeling and this scary needle that he's seeing, all of that is actually for his good? And I realize there's nothing. I may mollify him later, I may give him a treat, I may distract him from the pain, do all of that, but there is because a different... and it could be an infant, it doesn't have to be human in another species, it could be an adult human and infant who's being vaccinated, the same gap in understanding is there.

So if the gap between humanity and the Supreme intelligence is multifold that between that would exist between humanity and a baby human or or another species—but it's not always the case, but let's let's suppose uh that this is the case—then what could God do to make us understand how this world functions or what what what is the basis of things happening and why things happen to us? If my new child cannot understand me as a parent, that which is that which is a human mind has no chance of understanding such a great intelligence which is the birthplace of this whole universe. That is my contemplation about this that uh...

By human or or another species, but it's not always the case. But let's let's suppose that this is the case, then what could God do to make us understand how this world functions or what what what is the basis of things happening and why things happen to us? If my new child cannot understand me as a parent, that which is that which is a human mind has no chance of understanding such a great intelligence which is the birthplace of this whole universe. That is my contemplation about this, that our expectation of intellectual or conceptual understanding is a bit far-fetched and very often the cause of suffering with the 'why' question. The 'why' question is a is a usually a big invitation to trouble and suffering. But does that mean that all this questioning is bad? I don't feel it is, because it is these kind of questions that can also lead to insight, can also lead to faith, it can also lead to kindness, honesty, looking at the blind spots that we have. But I would say that the method of questioning can change.

So what is the difference between contemplation and just thinking about something? Like literally the difference between Atma Sadhana and just what the world calls contemplation or just thinking about or just sitting and thinking. So that's why we have these notebooks now and things, because I don't want you to sit and think in that, but I do want you to contemplate. So what is the difference in that? It is that you deepen in the discipleship of the Atma by allowing the great intelligence in your heart, your Atma, to guide you. Atma Gyan to bring you whatever Gyan is sprouting at the surface as well. So use these kind of questions to just you can bring it to God and say, 'Help me understand this,' okay? But then don't take it onto yourself. Yes, intuitively you'll get a sense, so much of this intelligence, but fortunately or unfortunately, the human vocabulary does not give us the words or ability to conceptualize and share messaging. This can scratch the surface of what we are understanding much more deeply. So but we do grow in that way within ourselves.

So I'm starting to understand that, and this is a bit rich coming from me speaking constantly three, four hours every Satsang, but those who are many times that those who are unable to express their insight, their knowledge, they probably deeper in their insight than somebody like me who is constantly blabbering. Because most of what I'm learning to be true is I can't begin to find words for it. So even that, the only solution is to leave it to God and say, 'Give me the words that need to be spoken here to be of any sort of help or service to my brother or sister.'

Ananta, yeah, I have a question. You know, whenever I try to practice self-inquiry, there seems to be a silence for short duration or maybe a peace, I don't know what to call it, but I see that it is not always accompanied with joy or any sort of, you know, bliss. Forget bliss, not even joy. And another thing which I see is mind is drawn towards samsara and so even though if there is some silence for small duration, I see that thoughts start pouring in with even much more intensity. So what should I be doing?

Okay, thank you. Thank you for this question. I noticed myself that this voice is not coming out very strongly, but is it audible for most of you or are you struggling to hear? It's audible. Actually, one thing, another thing I see is yes, your voice is audible, but compared to other voices, maybe it may not be that clear, that strong. Okay, so I'll try to speak up a bit and see what you can do with this. So let me take a story first and then we can jump into this question.

One child many years ago, maybe six, seven years ago, she came to me and said, 'Father, help me.' And I said, 'What happened?' Then of course I'm exaggerating a bit, but she said, 'Self-inquiry was so good, was so good, but now over the past few months it stopped working for me, just stopped working for me.' So I said, 'Self-inquiry stopped working? Okay, tell me how how did this stop working? What happened?' So she said to me that earlier all I had to do was ask 'Who am I?' a few times and then there would be so much peace, so much joy, so much bliss. It was so beautiful. Now what happens is I may say 'Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?' No joy, no bliss, no peace, nothing is happening. So it stopped working for me, she said.

So I said to her that who has said that the working part of self-inquiry is for these things to happen? So that is not the promise of self-inquiry, isn't it? It is not the spiritual experiences or the spiritual sightseeing that we may do as a result of asking the question 'Who am I?' sincerely. The promise of a sincere inquiry is to come to Atma Gyan, to come to self-realization, self-recognition, isn't it? So firstly, everything else that happens on the sidelines is not none of our business, because that then will become a big distraction. 'Oh, how much peace did I get today? Yesterday I did 20 minutes of inquiry, I got so much peace. Today half an hour, nothing is happening.' You see? So the mind is intervened over there and made the target different from what actually self-inquiry is meant for. So firstly, don't worry about any of this stuff, whether it is working in these ways or not. It is not meant to give us any phenomenal benefits.

So when you ask yourself 'Who am I?' what do you find?

I find that the thoughts subside, there is a stillness, and that's where it stops.

Yeah, so thoughts go away, which is the same as there is a stillness. So the thoughts go away. So that let's look at that as a as a change happening in a phenomena, because thoughts are also in the realm of phenomena. So this phenomenal change happens. But what about the question itself? What do you find? Who are you?

There is no answer.

Yeah, yeah. This is the beauty of self-inquiry, that if you were to sincerely ask 'Who am I?' we first have to come to the conclusion that there is no answer. I don't know. And that 'I don't know' as firstly is very good to start dismantling our ego, because our ego is built on so many things that we think we know. 'I know this, I know that, this is right, this is wrong, this is true.' Now I don't even know who I am, so who am I to know anything about anything else or whether somebody else is doing the right thing or wrong thing? That itself starts to give way. So our pride leads to a humility, leads to a deepening in surrender, because you realize that the basic construct of knowledge, which is knowledge about who I am, that itself my mind, intellect does not have, isn't it? Otherwise you would be able to say, 'I ask myself who am I and tada, here is the answer, this is what I am.' You see? 'I'm Brahman, I'm Nirguna Brahman,' and I'm very happy you didn't say any of that. And I'll be very happy one day when you do say that, but when it is just spoken conceptually, it'll just get in the way.

So firstly to recognize that in my mind, in my intellect, I don't know who I am. Is that what you're concluding as well? Yes, you don't know, isn't it? So now all the sages, all those who have come to recognition about who they are, have also told us that they did not find it in their mind and intellect, isn't it? Nobody has said, 'I asked who am I, who am I,' and like who was it who came out shouting 'Eureka, eureka'? Archimedes. So not like Archimedes saying, 'I've got the formula now, see Nirguna plus Saguna equals Jivatma,' some some like that. Nobody has said that, isn't it? So then if the answer is not to be found in this mind intellect, then where is that answer to be found? That is the question to ask.

And this process of asking it that way happens naturally because you've given up on your mind intellect, or mostly given up on your mind intellect, because you ask 'Who am I?' and maybe you ask for a few years and even in spite of asking that there is no answer which is palpable. So because that happens, it could go both ways where you could start saying that 'Who am I?' doesn't actually give you answers, it just makes you peaceful. So it's like a some sort of peaceful practice or something like that. Or you could say, 'No, no, I can't find it in this way, but how then can I come to Atma Gyan? How then can I come?'

The more we've given up on our intellectual capacity, our mental capacity to answer this question, the more we remain in the stillness like you started your question with. When you remain in the stillness, then the Atma's Gyan is starting to shine through you. And stillness doesn't have to be the complete absence of mind, it doesn't have to be a complete dissolution of mind. Stillness could just be a simple allowing of the mind to come and go with not grasping into any of that. So as you remain in that not grasping, then you access a deeper space which is the Satguru's space, which is the Atma's space. Why is it called the Satguru? Because the guru is the bringer of light. Now you haven't heard me probably say this before, but most of the others may have, where there's enough light and electricity in the world now, what is so special about the light of the guru? It is that only light which brings light onto that which is unperceivable. No other light in the world can do that job, because it can shine a light on that which is minutely perceivable. You may see a molecule, an atom, some quantum particles, all of that also you may see, but the unperceivable you cannot recognize unless it is the guru's light which is showing you, see?

So the more you are sincerely asking yourself 'Who am I?' the more you're giving up on your mental ability to answer this question, the more you are imbibing in the light of the Atma within, which is the true Satguru within. And to remain with him is all that we can do for Brahman, for Atman to happen. So don't give up on your inquiry because of what is happening in phenomenal states. The job of the inquiry is not that. The job of the inquiry is to bring you into the refuge of the Satguru within, see, by showing you that your mind intellect is not able to answer this question. So firstly in the world we recognize that through my perception I can't answer this question. We see that it's not possible perceptually. Then we feel that okay, let me take it because I enjoy the intellectual part of spirituality. So we think Jnana Yoga is more for the intellectual; actually it is the opposite of that, but it's a good way to draw us in.

So we we feel like to ask myself 'Who am I?' will one day lead to some sort of conceptual answer coming that 'I am I,' see that 'I am that.' You see that it's so strongly a conviction that 'I am that.' So many are doing the inquiry wrongly waiting for some sort of belief or strong conviction to happen in the mind that 'I am that.' So it's not about that. It is to meet that knowledge which is beyond the perceptual knowledge and conceptual knowledge. So beyond senses and beyond thinking there's true knowledge which is Atma Gyan, self-knowledge with the capital S. So you have to just keep at it with as much faith, as much devotion, as much trust in God's grace, because the Satguru presence within yourself is His presence. So if you continue at it with sincerity and commitment and faith and and a lot of patience, it has to bear fruit, it has to bear fruit.

Ananta, the next question is you said about sincerity and patience. Firstly the pull is towards maybe 10% towards this and 90% towards the samsara. So I don't know how to where to generate the sincerity from.

Yes, so find how you got from zero to 10 and do more of that. I think that happened rather than that's true, most of it is grace. But just simple things, no? Just simple things. So if you practice self-inquiry every day, there will be many days where you feel like, 'No, today there's too much work, there's some project release happening, something is happening, I can't do it,' you see? But just those small things. Okay, let me sit. Let me sit for a few minutes at least. So these simple, simple small steps will just it'll just keep going like that. The more steps you take away from it, the less you will seem inclined towards it. The more you get on the mat, so to speak, the more...

If you practice self-inquiry every day, there will be many days where you feel like, 'No, today there's too much work, there's some project release happening, something is happening, I can't do it,' you see? But just those small things—okay, let me sit, let me sit for a few minutes at least. So these simple, simple small steps will just keep going like that. The more steps you take away from it, the less you will seem inclined towards it. The more you get on the mat, so to speak, the more it will carry its own momentum. So remember that Maya, samsara as you called it, has its own momentum. The more you indulge in it, the more stronger it seems. But the same is true for inquiry, for spirituality as well. The one moment of just not falling from Maya and turning towards inquiry, that will help you deepen in that sincerity. And that sincerity actually will become a love; more and more it will deepen into a greater and greater love where you would love to spend your entire life in this exploration.

Yeah, one more question. This is more out of curiosity per se. Bhagavan says that the greatest obstacle towards Enlightenment is our notion that we are not already enlightened. Can you please elaborate on that?

Yes, yes, yes. So if you read the beginning of 'Be As You Are,' he says something which is very frustrating for disciples, isn't it? That all you have to do is just drop avidya. And vidya is self-evident; you don't have to create vidya. So all you have to do is not fall for avidya, and then vidya doesn't have to be created, it is self-evident. It is here, it is all the good things, no? So it is just nothing you have to do about it, only get rid of avidya. So then disciples asked him very hopefully, 'Okay, we're getting somewhere, so he'll tell us the full answer.' So they say, 'Okay, how do we drop avidya?' He said, 'It already is.' So you see, then if I was sitting there, I would have thrown a tantrum and said, 'What do you mean it already is? Because you just said I have to get rid of my avidya,' you see? So it seems like a loop, isn't it? Like a recursive loop almost that we can't get out of.

But really it is true in that way, that if in this moment you leave yourself empty of either notion—enlightened or unenlightened—then what are you? Where will you go for that answer? You see, you can't go there where you're going. To the mind you can't go, because that will only give you a notion, and any notion will just get in the way of your 'Enlightenment' quote-unquote. So neither enlightened nor unenlightened. So the notion that 'I am a seeker, I have to find it' can be the greatest block against it. But the second—probably because I don't want to at all say anything which is different from what Bhagavan is saying—the second most powerful notion could be that 'I am enlightened.' That gets in the way of Enlightenment, right? So just notionless as much as possible.

And I think there are some questions, but I will ask one more thing. He says instead of relying on the guidance of God, we tend to rely—I mean, these may not be the exact words, I'm paraphrasing—instead of relying on the guidance of God, we tend to exert our will. And I think you have said something on some YouTube video also about to rely on God's will. But if you could please summarize that also.

To rely on God's will. To summarize is difficult. We have many, many satsangs where often we have looked at this as the very root of spirituality. So to distinguish between my will and God's will firstly. Let's try to summarize since you're asking. What is your will? How do you know what is your will? Whatever comes up instinctively or impulsively right now? What comes instinctively, mentally, conceptually? So let's put it in simple words: what I want is my will. What I want is my will. Now, am I able to leave that aside and wait for my Atma to guide me? That is God's will.

How exactly? Just out of curiosity, I am in the restaurant and idli or dosa? So how do I pick? Not that that's relevant, but still.

No, no, exactly. So don't pick in your mind. See whether your body still unfolds in some way. Try now. Don't pick what you want answered next. Allow the greater intelligence to use your body as an instrument and allow that to be undisturbed by what you want. So our inquiry helps us to deepen in this, and deepening in this helps our inquiry. A will is very much caught up in the ideas of 'I know,' 'I want,' 'I think.' To meet God's will, we have to remain as empty of that as possible. It's scary because you may feel like, 'If I don't have the right answers, then the world will take me for a fool. What if I just leave it to God and everything becomes a mess?' You see? So we have to deal with all of these fears, and that leads to a deepening of faith. Then you realize that actually I could always have relied on this holy parent to carry me throughout my life. I didn't have to rely so much on my limited knowledge and understanding.

Can this be questioned? This question we ask for everything, whether I should drink water or not, everything?

Yes. If you had two wills to pick from, one belonged to God and one belonged to you, at what point would it be appropriate to leave God and go to you? Right? When the choice seems to be trivial, then perhaps the instinct is, 'Okay, I don't want to disturb God.' But when it gets difficult, it gets hot. Yes, yes. So we have no capacity to be able to make that distinction. And also the second idea, which we've been touching quite strongly in the last few satsangs, is that time applies to God in the same way that it applies to humanity. So the creator of time and space is beyond time and space, and therefore if He loves us, then He must have an infinite amount of time for all of us because He's not in time and space. So then nothing is too small for Him or nothing is bothering Him, you see? Because how will you reconcile the butterfly effect and not bothering God for small things at the same time, isn't it? Like the smallest thing could change your entire life. So we can't really. And maybe the mind's trick is to tell you, 'But this is small, don't surrender this to God, this you can manage,' right?

Okay, one last question. Actually, I want to meet you. If it is okay, I'll get your contact from Jima or someone from the WhatsApp group and perhaps—I mean, I think you live in Bangalore, I live in Hyderabad—but I want to meet you once if that's okay.

Please, always welcome. So I will contact Jima and I'll get your contact. Yes, please. Okay, thank you. Thank you. I look forward to this. Thank you.

Father, please come, my dear.

Actually, currently, Namaste Father. Currently I am in—am I audible?

I was missing a few words, but now I hear you well. Yes.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything. Currently, actually I'm in Hiroshima and actually one hour before, there is a guide, and you know this bomb attack and so many museums are here. And the guide, he's explaining about so many things. And while I was going through that museum and all, for sometimes there was a like I was like crying, and after sometimes there was a peace or emptiness or deep, deep silence. If I am—no, I will leave this body some days or some years later. And while leaving the body, I will try to do inquiry or prayer or what? First I'll try to come to the emptiness, then I will try to pray and allow Your will to happen. Whether I take next body or whatever is Your will, let it happen. And I try to surrender everything to You.

Yes, yes, yes. It's a very popular question in India also because they say that what you do in your last moment, you see, determines what happens after that. Now, I don't know what I feel about that, but suppose that what you do in your last moment matters. Suppose that in all of your life you've been interested in money, belongings, attachment to worldly things. Then do you feel like in the last moment you will have the ability to just turn towards God? That, 'I know that all my life I've been attached to worldly things, but this is my last moment, let me go to God.' I don't feel like it happens that way, because in the last moment also then you will be like, 'Oh, I have a pot of gold hidden over there, what is going to happen to it after? It'll be lost, somebody will take it.' All this kind of idea may come.

So basically my feeling is that what has been most important to you in your living life will become your focus in your last moment. If God has been central to you, self-inquiry, self-knowledge, truth has been central to you, then your focus will be that in your last moment. So the time to work on that is now for all of us. Only now can we work on our last moment. That's because I'm saying that because you will not know, you see? Like my father when he left his body, or at least left consciousness, and then for many a few days he was on the ventilator. So let's say that, but in that last moment when he was conscious, he was probably concerned with whatever he's been concerned with in his life. So if your life, God becomes your habit, then you don't have to worry about your last moment.

What the last moment thing—that one I don't know how you would start. I'm telling you the only way I know, which is to start now. Do what you would do in your last moment now. Last moment is open, it's hope. That's why I said suppose—I don't know any of this, whether the last moment has some special significance, I don't know. But I'm saying in the spirit of the question, if you suppose that it is very significant.

And also I have one more prayer. Yeah, let me have the grace to speak with you here as I'm speaking with you now. Let me say after coming to the emptiness, I bless you.

Some similar requests are coming in the chat, of course. That when you're saying 'Ananta, your father,' I am just fully aware that we are speaking of the holy presence in our hearts, His holy presence. And it is my prayer and blessing that His presence graces all of us in our dying moments. May we remember only God. Let's see what else can come.

Hi Ananta Ji.

Hello, hello my dear.

Thank you for the sweet grace that is flowing in our hearts in your satsang. That's—yeah, I wanted to say something about the subject also in the spirit of surrender and then see if also you have something to share. It's maybe less than before than ever, but I still feel the sensitivity to some environment or some interactions, and some energy gets transferred either through my own thinking or something like moving away maybe from presence or something just which doesn't have to do with anything in, let's say, in my kind of sphere. And then there's also some cleansing happening when there's been more time to just sit by myself. So either when I'm in—when there's some space for like a deepening in presence, in recognition, it just gets cleansed also, yeah.

And I imagine, or if it's for me like this, then for you it must—because for sure you have much more interactions. And I also was thinking when you went to this uto raja place and meeting so many people who maybe—if you want to share something about that. Because how I find it in me, when it becomes a bit too much and I sense something is off in the body, I know it's time to have a like to shut down from the world a little bit and just see it and not give any mind to it and just not give as much as possible, yeah. Just surrender and just being in pure perception without any meaning, and then it melts back into Consciousness. In the same time, there's—I feel something can continue this play, which is a certain preferred state that a personal me can have with this thing, like, 'Oh, I want my clean state to always be there and to have a sense of peace and just lightness in the body and mind.' So this was very much it's coming more into the open.

And to it and just not give as much as possible, yeah, just surrender and just being in pure perception without any meaning, and then it melts back into Consciousness. At the same time, there's I feel something can continue this play, which is a certain preferred state that a personal me can have with this thing, like, 'Oh, I want my clean state to always be there and to have a sense of peace and just lightness in the body and mind.' So this was very much coming more into the open somehow, to also see this experiencer and the state both together. They are also something to be detoxed from. So I would love to hear you a little bit on this thing if you feel to; maybe it's not something important.

Sleep is very good. And so what you're talking about is a different sort of tiredness. Like, there can be what in the past I used to call satsang fatigue or something like that, but now not so much. But many times when this sort of energetic movement happens, then some very simple things—if you notice clearly that your body needs rest, then don't push it too much. Like, get some sleep. Then hydration is very important; drink some water. When it's really strong and you feel like a heavy rock is kept on top of you, if that kind of feeling comes, then usually I've seen that this is a good excuse, but ice cream is very good in those times. Just to sit in the AC, have some ice cream. I don't know why cooling helps this kind of situation, just from experimentation over so many years, that some cool liquids or ice cream or just AC helps to some of that. But sleep is good. Usually, by God's grace, most times after very strong satsang or something like that, one night's sleep usually does the trick.

But sometimes if somebody is going through some very deep affliction and something in a way has been taken on, then maybe two or three days of resting. But like you said, the simplicity—if you make something out of it, then it goes out of hand, you see? It goes out of hand if it becomes a lack of faith in God and something that I have to help myself with; then it's very, very difficult to manage these kind of things. So I remember that there was one child many years back. She was already sharing like a kind of satsang, and what she found is that her body is getting very tired. All that heaviness, all of that seems to be attacking her and all the energy seems to be closing down. So I said to her that this is, in a way, the life of a teacher—that you have to feel happy if you are going through it rather than any of your children are going through it, you see?

So she very honestly told me, 'No, no, that is not what I wanted.' You see? 'I can't, that's not for me. I just wanted to share some Advaita and I just wanted to share some of the stuff that I learned. I'm not happy to take all this stuff on.' So I said, 'Then take a break for some time and then see what you feel after a few months or years, what you feel about that.' Because the sharing of God, really—I don't want to sound utopian about it—but that feeling that 'rather me than another brother or sister,' you see? At least some percentage of that has to be there. That if any of my children have to go through some of this, why not? It's easier that I go through it because, you know, just God is taking care of things. So just this sense of—and I don't want to sound like fancy or some sort of martyr-type idea—just in simplicity, every parent would say that, 'Don't give it to my kids, give it to me.' So the sharing of satsang is primarily sharing without pretense from your heart and in the spirit of just this love, that every affliction of your brothers and sisters belongs to you now and you would rather take it on.

Yeah, and what is the last time where it was really tough? Maybe it's been a long time since I had really where I needed to take maybe a short break. It may have happened recently, but somewhere where I needed to take a week or two off, I don't recall when. It's been quite some time because of this kind of fatigue. So it's God's grace. I don't know how, because it has to be done by God. But these simple things are good.

Thank you. Thank you for sharing. For sure, for myself, it must be, I think, it's a bit different because your interactions are much more—in a way, I'm looking more where I'm doing a personal move in some way, and you're very much more surrendered than just whatever comes to you because of your love. I feel that's for sure, like it's God's play. But what I'm looking is if I'm moving sometimes, let's say to hug somebody or getting into some situations out of my own kind of will, that then puts me in a certain personal way of moving, and then these things are a bit more coming in the system. And then I, oh, I need a wake-up call after a while. And also it's quite humbling when that happens because, like you said, when you have some pain or something, you can't have pride, right? Your pride goes away and suddenly you become much more earnest and everything is, you know, really much more open.

Much more open, much more open. It's like when—and I'm not in any sort of pain—I'm not believing any allopathy, homeopathy, Ayurveda, nothing. It's all nonsense. The minute some pain comes, tell me, what is the solution? What do you have? Allopathy? Okay, what do you have? So all our pride goes that minute when we go through something. So if let me make sure I'm hearing you correctly, that you're saying that when it's some sort of personal movement, then you mean just day-to-day life, or in what way?

Yes, like, I don't know, I'm just looking because after, I feel, 'Oh, this now it feels like something has changed in the energy field,' and then maybe it's a looking to see where did that go wrong in a way.

Yeah, so if I'm hearing correctly, then if it comes to day-to-day stuff, I would feel like don't worry about it so much. Just keep in your prayer, in your inquiry, in your love for God, and don't try to micromanage these energetic movements because that is also a flow of life. It has to flow in that way. If you enter a room where ten minutes ago a big argument happened, something very almost violent, then you enter the room and you feel it, no? You just—like, it comes to you. In the same way, when you're around people, they go through things. So neither try to manage yourself in such a way that 'I have to be careful of this energy,' nor try to become like a healer or something like that. You just naturally, whatever, how Grace makes it unfold. Because if you try to withhold yourself in this way, that also is a bit strange because many times you don't know that others may be taking your stuff.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, for sure. It's not—it's both. So don't—I often feel, yeah, so that's true. Don't worry about it. Don't make this like a new currency of dealing. I know it's just also to surrender this whole thing because sometimes, like, I really am blessed to be in environments which are very—they're not really strong environments. But even like going in a bus, let's say, like taking a bus to north of Portugal, being there a lot, if there's something is happening also energetically that feels—not always, but sometimes. So then maybe a sense of carefulness comes in, and I'm happy to just not have that concern so much and just move from a more loving space and no matter what happens, whatever. And that's what I'm doing anyway, I feel, and it's as much as I can.

Yeah, I would recommend that as well. I don't feel like, by God's grace, I've ever been put in a situation where I said that—maybe sometimes in some medical things, but very, very rarely—but I don't feel like I've said I won't go there because this is what will happen. Or just go there and then rest it out or pray or whatever. Yeah.

Yeah, also the same with traveling anywhere else, like coming to India, whatever. And again, ask for your blessings for this whatever sensitivity, just if it even if it needs to increase and God wants to bring more, then I'm very happy for that. But just somehow to be as much more God, in the will of God than in my will. Thank you.

I had taken the kids to the London Science Museum last week and was shocked to see one-sixth of that whole museum, which is multi-level, had a section called 'Who Am I?' Oh yes, yeah. So I walked in with the kids and it was beautiful. Somebody is—I mean, it's refreshing to see that that's come into the Science Museum. And there were interactive games for children: 'Who are you? Are you your face? Are you your emotions?' There were different sections and I took those quizzes as well. I mean, it's not at the level of, let's say, reading Bhagavan's book or anything, but it's pretty profound.

Then I had a very, I would say, powerful experience. There was kind of a sculpture or a statue of a woman, beautiful woman lying down, very pretty face, and then half her face and this part of the body was like the skin was taken off and you could just see an eyeball and a brain and the optic nerve and the jaws. And I know you've said it many times in satsang, 'meat bag' or 'body bag,' and I like that term. But I was just mesmerized by one side of beauty and the other side of just a bunch of components that are working together and there's no person there. And after that, when I looked at myself in the mirror the next morning, I was just like, I wish I could see it that clearly, but this cover is just such a huge illusion, this skin cover, that it keeps the game going in some ways. And yeah, I wish I had an x-ray mirror like that that reminded me every morning that that's all I am. I wanted to share that.

But in that section, 'Who Am I?' was very powerful. Sounds very—the Buddhists are very, very strong about 'peel off the skin and meet everyone as if they are without their skin.' And we are just meeting what? Then see if you still have lust or something. Some parts of Buddhism are very strong about this.

But what's happening for the last five days is during doing Atma Gyan in the morning, so I close my eyes and now it's like I see that vision, you know? And I don't know, it's very refreshing. It's extremely—it's like unburdening, refreshing. Yeah.

Okay, let's go to Sam.

Hello. I just want to spend time with you. I miss you. Yes, because I'm working, thankfully I can join satsang, maybe not so deeply, but even this. I'm not your Father because when I had that time even at home, distraction was happening, you know, within or without, even with no one else at home. So that's why, of course, it's more strong when you are in work, but I don't know, it feels like it's good now. And yeah, it feels like a new challenge and I'm happy about this actually, and it goes well. Very good.

And actually I wanted to give a little bit of a report, like the other person was sharing, and just gratitude. I think not even a report. Okay. Yeah, like I'm just so tired these days because I did not sleep for a few days, only few hours I slept, and I'm just so active. I'm just so social, but I don't feel personal, Father. When I say social, I mean I'm speaking with people, but I don't feel like a person. I mean, I feel just—it's just so natural, you know? It just happens by itself, so it's not so tiring. Of course, like in general I'm speaking, I'm just so active, I'm in the middle of the crowd, like just so crowded, like my old days. I'm just full, Father. And also, like, intimate relationship as well. Just my whole days are full, but I feel so blessed to be able to handle with this now. I mean, it's not me, of course, but I don't know what kind of blessing upon me, what God did, because it was what I was asking. I was not happy with my incredibly...

Know it just happens by itself, so it's not so tiring. Of course, like in general I'm speaking, I'm just so active. I'm in the middle of the crowd, like just so crowd, like my old days. I just full, Father, and also like intimate relationship as well. Just my whole days are full, but I feel so blessed to be able to handle with this now. I mean, it's not me, of course, but I don't know what kind of blessing upon me, what God did, because it was what I was asking. I was not happy with my just incredibly controlled life, like everything had to be on control. But now it's just, just so happened by itself and there's a space to handle with all this. So that's why I'm saying more, it's just a gratitude. I just want to offer all my gratitude because I asked for this and it's wonderful to be with God. I mean, yeah, it's just so all so natural. So yeah, I'm full, full gratitude. I mean, even tiredness is, my body is just incredibly tired. Just few hours sleep, not, I mean, in such a long time. But so what? Like, but is tired, okay, just this. You know, it does not affect my state somehow. I mean, I feel tired, but yeah, it doesn't make me personal, Father. I mean, if I had to put it into words, to experience this, that's good.

And I just want to bring some heartbreak to God. I think, can you hear me? You want to bring some, some hurt which I feel in my heart to God. Yes, same thing again, not being wanted. It feels just like an experience which I could not come out of this and it just hurts me. And yeah, I don't have any other choice than to just bring it to God. I don't even know exactly what to ask, but I just wanted to bring him and yeah, the hurt I'm experiencing with, Father. May I still add a prayer to that even though I bring to God? Okay, yes. Somehow, sorry, I feel like I don't have space anymore. It's not true, but this time I don't want to experience being fail again. I mean, I just want to ask God to convert this situation into something auspicious for me to go beyond that, but I don't want it to be fail again. Thank you, Father. Thank you. I love you, love you, love you. Bless you. And I just want to bless my friend, my intimate friend also. I just want you to bless him as well. And I want to thank God for sending him to my life just for this experience and for everything, for my work and everything.

Thank you. Okay, there you can come. Usually speaks a bit softly with the other mic. Okay, that's fine.

No way, it's like something that doesn't want to speak and that's why I want to just speak this and just I get it out. Although I've been, I've spoken to you in emptiness about this, but it felt like there's also something that happens when I speak to you like this, you know. And is this so, you know, to help is like I would just say like before, before like this switch took place, before like, so what used to happen was that I, like my love was science. Although I used to have love, it was mostly like in science and school stuff and mostly also and conditioning, although something was always fighting to like get out of there, but it was still there. And the like my Christian conditioning which I had before this switch took place was that I remember like, so by, because by the grace of God somehow I used to like do really well in like school and these kind of things. And the experience was more like where I like pray to God like, 'Lord, make sure I just destroy this exam' or something like this. And the power come, I feel the power and then go and do well and this kind of thing. It was more, you know, when you like the God-assisted life, this kind of way it was that.

That after meeting and we having undoubtable knowing that the spirit, the Holy Spirit is here, it's something is now begin. It doesn't feel anymore true to for the assistant, just pray to God and then he just like empowers you and then you go and then you just do the thing. It's so that has been something that has really changed. And what I realized is that as well, somehow the like the deep meaning of things have, they have like lost the like the root inside me somehow. It's like it's not so like the importance of it is, and it's very difficult to explain this to like maybe to those who have that, they don't know if they may even be your parent because they don't understand this. But I also know that it's okay, because God is also in them, they also the embodiment of God. But what I've been finding, I don't know, I was just, I'm just as it just comes in me, I'm just going to say so, that there is the drive of like achievement is not, it's somehow is no longer deeply there anymore.

Although I see like the happy of like, because I remember I had this like, and also because and this is something that really like been very surprising for me as well is that when like I would say in the deeper state of ignorance before meeting you and everything, I like praise to God and you bless me, I'll take the credit, you see what I mean? But and so God is like so merciful that even when I do that, I was still pray again and then he was still bless, like this kind of thing. So it was like I was like, yeah, at some point I was like, if I was God, there's no way I'll be blessing this boy because I am so like undeserving of like all the blessings that he gives me. And that still he does. But that switch, something you don't like, and this is why I'm seeing like the subtle Maya in me is playing to hold on to like an identity and to be like to go to God and then bless you and then this kind of thing, and then it's more of what I want than what he wants.

And there's been a genuine like really looking and seeing in me like the areas where if God says like 'don't', are you going to be okay like this? Actually approaching it head on, like genuinely asking, like seeing the, like you say, the boundaries of your faith. And to be honest, sometimes like when I'm like filled with the Holy Spirit, it's like yes, it's just something is like, but other times I don't know what, I can't like define the boundary of my attachment as like something that is fixed. But one thing I can definitely say is that I can definitely not say that I don't have any attachment, yeah, that. Because if especially because it's not even by my power that the sense of the attachment dissolves, it's by, I cannot say that. One thing I can say that something has loose this, something like the arms maybe first like this, it's gone a little bit, but I cannot say, you know what I mean? Like it's softer, but it's not, although in moments it can be like that in emptiness, but I cannot really say that.

And so that's been what has past few weeks, something has been like this and also really looking at this. Because it doesn't really feel any true anymore in my heart to yeah, like to have this like this subtle pulling out of my individual will from God's will. It doesn't, like there's something in my heart that wants to just let him move. I know it's not easy, but and I just ask for your blessings to help me with this to see more clearly. Thank you.

Very good, very good exploration. So many things that we can start from, but let's see. This interesting dichotomy between worthiness and unworthiness we feel, and this is true that I feel like some days I just feel like with what face am I going to God after doing so much foolishness today? But if you really look at it, the gap between him and this me is so vast that if I live this life as a complete saint, then would that make me worthy enough for God? I still feel like I'd be unworthy. So we must accept our worldly egoic unworthiness and just go to God. Whatever how clean or dirty our clothes may seem, we should just go. That's one beautiful part.

Yes, that God-assisted life versus God-directed life is a constant work in progress. And it's all right if we, if we need assistance and we're worried about, concerned about something, it's better if you just pray to God and bring it to him, no matter how small or big it may seem, or as selfish or even entitled that it may seem. Nothing is, nothing stops you from taking anything to God because otherwise you will leave it to yourself. And to leave it to yourself is always much worse than to take it to God, whatever it may be. Is it like that child earlier saying, 'But this is too small to take to God'? Nothing like that. He is all the time, he's waiting for you to take stuff to him.

One beautiful message I read was that God wants to be worked, he wants to be deeply involved and work along with you at your life. But you keep him at a distance because you may think that it's too much work to give to God. Such a beautiful way to say. If you just looked at it like that, worked, like he wants to participate in working at your life together, but we keep making a distance between that and saying, 'No, no, I'm going to work at this, then I will report back to you.' But if he was, if you, if we took him to be a constant companion and a constant friend to be with us and to help us in this way, then more and more we will start to also not rely on ourselves on which direction we should go also.

Yeah, then in terms of how when we are in the presence of spirit, it all seems so beautiful and connected, and then when we seem disconnected in our heart, then we can see like we're so attached to outcomes and all of these things. But what we should really do is once we sense that we are feeling disconnected in our heart, just don't bother with anything else. Just return back to God. Just pray for connection, pray for presence, pray to be with him. So then that life becomes very simple, living in his presence. And when we feel disconnected from his presence, then praying to return and praying for refuge again in his presence.

That's yes. And also, you know, you spoke about this mask, yeah, the mask of conditioning identity. So I was, so I decided like to last week, I was like, okay, I'm going to see when this mask comes. And like I went one time to like, after like the prayer, like you feel like a presence deeply in your heart. When I was, I was just looking in this walking, went to like class and stuff, and then I realized that when I'm in this vastness, something is, because it feels like, and then like the some like fear comes because you're sitting in this room with like 200 people and stuff, and then you're this vastness is there. And I'm aware that it's just this emptiness that is here. And maybe like if you have like 10 minutes, like a joy in my heart rises and praises God or something, but like something just comes like, 'Yo, can't be like this in this space.' Like some kind of fear is there to just be nakedly empty somehow.

Yeah, something is afraid. And because sometimes like it feels, I don't know how this body is able to contain like the vastness of the Holy Spirit. I don't think it contains, it's like this body is in it. And so some maybe something in me that is like, it's like, 'Don't do, don't go there.' Like not to like fall too deep or to draw out the sense of like the humanness of myself somehow to still be able to, or it paint, it does some kind of thing. Maybe it's like the Maya in me or some kind of force does out, and this is what I've noticed. Or when like the sense of love is there and sometimes like this body like vibrates because of that, it's like it's just too much. And then it's like, 'No, you can't, not this place, in your room yeah, but not here.' So like this is what I've noticed.

So I think that's where the compromise comes and I'm like, 'Please just decrease it a little bit.' And then, and then like yeah. But in terms of like the deep self-image and like the sense of shame, it doesn't come that much anymore. Or if I notice that it come, something easy I retreat and then like, like this I see that. But to stay in like complete empty, probably something I'm still learning, but I feel like by grace of gets it like one, one a little bit. But to stay in that, in that place, something like yeah, it is, it is difficult. It is not easy. All of us are chicken in that way, you know, you're a bit scared just fully hand over. And actually what's interesting in terms of...

Like the sense of shame for it doesn't come that much anymore, or if I notice that it comes, something easily retreats. And then like this, I see that. But to stay in like complete empty, I probably something I'm still learning. But I feel like by grace, one gets it like one a little bit. But to stay in that place is something like, yeah, it is difficult.

It is not easy. All of us are chicken in that way, you know? You're a bit scared to just fully hand over. And actually, what's interesting in terms of what I'm noticing is that that fear of complete collapse into the vastness and the fear of having a pretense or a self-image is not, in fact—I would say it's almost the same, if not the same. Like, maybe the need to keep some sort of Ananta alive, some self-image of Ananta alive, is a fear of a death or a dissolution of something; a fear of merging fully into the vastness, into the Oneness, union with God. So I don't know if I can say in my case whether I can truly say that there is an absence of fear of what I will appear to be, and whether that's distinct from just the sheer nakedness of merging with Him, or just the sheer nakedness of only living in His will. So, good contemplation to see. I feel it's all like one web, one Maya in some way, and that is the constant work.

So I don't feel like I am anywhere near the end of self-image, and I don't feel like I've ever met anyone who had completely transcended all self-image. It doesn't mean that I'm sort of devaluing them; I'm just saying that the human condition seems plagued with this pretense of self-image, even if it is very transparent now. The thing is that as you grow more and more, even the most transparent seems like the most troublesome. Like, this Ananta feels yucky to me too, like, yeah. And that is the constant endeavor. But with age, I'm also realizing that these things are not rushed, you see? It can't be, because that will be more ego if I try to be brutal about it and say, you know, like that. Then it becomes like, oh, the next head of Ravana seems more Godlike, you see, when it comes. So you have to allow His grace to push it out, you know, just push it out. So you have to be careful of the ten heads of Ravana, which He just set fire to in the Shastra.

Because I feel like every new head that comes, it seems more, 'Ah, I can live with this one. This is better. This is a new spiritual me.' But God has to give us the eyes to see that pride in that. Just so, is there sharing God's light without pretense here then, isn't there? And that is the constant work, constant humility that has to deepen. And I feel it's the same as the fear of death or complete dissolution into the Oneness of God.

I'm also, when you speak like this, like sometimes I hear you sometimes say things like, 'I'm so foolish' and this kind of thing. Somehow it's like, why is he saying that? Or I know why you say it. Because also maybe there's something here also because I, even before being with you like this, when I just hear you sometimes, even without watching a video, when I just watch, something in me is like, something like the light of the Holy Spirit is there. Like this fresh holiness. And Ananta is saying that it's so foolish. Although I know why, it's like something cannot accept that in my... even in your human expression, just because of what has happened here through your words. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you. I also deeply contemplated this as to when it started coming from here, especially after the prayer of the beggar servant came. I really contemplated this. Firstly, I have to say that I mean that. I mean, pretense is here most of the time, but when it comes to saying or recognizing my foolishness, I feel like those are the moments of the least pretense that plays out from here. So that is the first thing I wanted to say.

The second is that I have contemplated this topic of the possibility of—and this is not for you, I don't feel like you can be shaken that easily—but especially new students, disciples hearing like that, that the teacher is so foolish and he is openly admitting that. Then whether the difficult project which I'm asking everyone to embark on, and that needs a lot of faith in the teacher as well, whether somewhere that faith may be shaken and we may start to feel a lot more doubt because of these things. And it is possible, and maybe it has happened to a few as well. But if I were to weigh both of those things, I have to say that it is very important to remember, to see, to remember and to remind myself of my foolishness is really very, very important for my deepening love for God.

So that is going to be important. Sometimes some faith in some of the children may get shaken a bit by it, but I feel like the benefit to them is much, much more than that possibility. But I also know where you are coming from and your deep love for me. I'm so grateful for that. And it's very difficult when we love someone so deeply and we respect them to hear them say that they are the worst or the most foolish; it is not easy to accept. So I completely understand where you're coming from as well.

But I feel like this admittance is very important. It serves as an anchor. Otherwise, the propensity to become proud and to fall for spiritual pride could be very strong. If I brush under the carpet those times where I don't follow God's will, that I'm being selfish and I'm being proud—if I brush it under the carpet and don't share openly with all of you children, then I'm not being integrous enough as a teacher as well. So may there be nothing that remains in this life that I cannot fully share in Satsang. I feel there still are a few things, but I'm working on that. And more and more, I just want to offer myself fully to God and to all of you in the most naked, most transparent way. And by God's grace, I feel like whatever the biggest aspects of my life and the biggest areas of my stupidity are already exposed to all of you. But thank you. Thank you for your love and sweetness. Appreciate that. Thank you. Sri Guru.