Is Your Life for God? - 9th September 2024

So there's something within us which tells us that this material existence isn't all there is. And like Sh. asked that question which has stayed with me since that day, which was a few months ago, where he said that there has to be something. If I was just a material thing, then how is it that I'm finding joy in something which is not material? I don't even know what I'm finding now—I'm adding to what you are saying—but I don't even yet fully know what I'm finding, and yet I'm here in satsang because there must be something I'm getting. And in satsang I'm not getting anything material, that is for sure. So what is that about me which is beyond material things? And if I was purely a material entity, then why would I get joy in that which is not material? If I was purely of this world, then I would get joy only in Maya. Why would I get joy in that which is beyond Maya, not in Maya?

So then what can we do? First we have to take a call and say that, 'Am I truly in this? Do I really feel that I want to dedicate a big part of my life to finding His presence, to being with Him?' And this seems like a very strange question to pose. Because if I said to someone, 'Oh, do you want to be a Michelin star baker?' and she said, 'Yes, I do,' and I said, 'How long are you willing to work?' and she said, 'A week,' so then I would laugh at that and say, 'No, not possible, because you have to spend maybe a decade to try and do that.' But when it comes to finding God and to remain in His presence, then we feel that, 'Oh yeah, I believe in Him on Diwali and Christmas and Holi. I pray also.' That should be enough. It really isn't. And this—I mean by His grace everything is possible, so maybe it is—but mostly inductively we can say it really isn't.

What does it take? The sages have told us, the saints have told us that it is probably the most difficult thing we can undertake in our life. Why is it so difficult? Because we have to transcend the central character in our narrative, who is the 'me'. And this 'me' is the chameleon. Rather than transcending it, it changes shape. So from a worldly 'me' it becomes a spiritual 'me': 'How am I doing spiritually?' You see? From a spiritual 'me' it becomes a parental 'me': 'How are my children doing?' From a parental 'me' it becomes a working 'me': 'How am I doing at work and how much money am I making?' So this 'me' keeps transforming itself. But to transcend it is very rare and probably is the most difficult thing. But without the intention to transcend this 'me', the sages have told us that the lane is too narrow. There can either be 'me' or there can be God. Therefore, really the spiritual quest is about the quest of dissolving this 'me' in a deep love for God, or dissolving this 'me' in the company of the truth, in the insight of that which is true, which may sound like there are two different things but actually they are one. And how they are one is too difficult to explain; we have to taste it together.

So how much of this 'me' are we willing to let go of? Put simply, spirituality is a journey of deepening relationship with God where we are falling deeper and deeper in love with Him, accompanied by this dissolution of this 'me' more and more. But it is almost like a question of consent. How much of this 'me' am I willing to let go of? Where do I draw the boundary? And to go one step, try to go one step beyond what your mind's boundary is, is a risk which is called faith. So spirituality is not safe. Spirituality is not easy. Spirituality is not stress relief. It doesn't mean that you'll become more stressed. The byproducts of God's presence we all know, so all the good things will come, but it is not about those. It is about the truth and it is about God.

So then first the question must be: Is there God? And if there is God, how can there be a story about 'me'? Is the question clear? I was sharing with M. before the rest of you came that it's like Krishna is sitting in the room next to you and for one hour you've been telling me about what you have done, but you have not mentioned that Krishna has been sitting with you throughout. Will that be an accurate story? No. So if there is God, how relevant is this 'me'? So Krishna is sitting there on that couch, suppose, and somebody started lamenting in the room saying, 'Why is no one looking at me?' It'll be a silly lament because obviously we will say, 'Because Krishna is here.' Is that not true for our life? That we are busy looking at this 'me' whose very existence is in question, ignoring that One who truly is.

So when I ask the question which everybody can nod to and say, 'Is there God?' then that is what the question actually means. What can the second lamentation be? It can be that, 'Yes, there is God, but I can't reach Him. For me it is mere speculation to conclude the reality of God.' And that is what Maya's role is: to make the real seem unreal and to make the unreal seem real. So if this hand is seeming more real to you than God's presence, then that is Maya. Who is stuck in Maya? All of us. All of us, including the speaker who is like Krishnamurti is speaking through this one. So this is a prevalent condition, the prevalent condition of humanity stuck in Maya. That which your heart is telling you—whether you call that intuition, you call that Satguru, whether you call that the inner voice, inner calling, the inner longing, whatever term you use—that which your heart is telling you seems not so important, and what your senses are telling you or what your mind is telling you seems much more important. That is symptomatic of being in Maya.

So how to break the clutches of Maya and come to the truth is an exercise in faith. Because there'll never be a time which says, 'Okay, now today there is nothing in Maya for you, you can just be with God.' Even if it starts like that, it doesn't continue like that. So you have to risk at least that day, if not a day, at least that hour, if not that hour, at least this minute and say, 'This minute is only for God.' That is all that counts. So that intention is all that counts. What method unfolds after that—whether you do some kriyas or you do some prayer or you do some inquiry or you remain empty—all that is secondary. But you're willing to give up on this time, take it away from what the 'me' wants to do and to fully offer it to God. That fundamentally is at the root of spirituality. So whether you sing a bhajan or you get into Nirvikalpa Samadhi, that is all for later. What is this moment about for you? Who is this moment about for you? And remember when I said the 'spiritual me'—the spiritual me will say, 'It is about me being with God.' Not the emphasis: 'me' being with God, 'me' being with God, you see? And in that nuance is the whole difference between spirituality and the spiritual me. God is important, 'me' is secondary, if not completely unimportant. So don't get into this trap of 'What is the highest path? What is the lowest path? Which path is for me? Which is right for me?' All of this stuff is unimportant. Who is this moment of your life for? Is it for ego or is it for truth? Is it for 'me' or is it for God? Once you're clear about this—that this moment, this moment, this moment, every moment is for God alone—then the methods will come, the path will become clearer.

Secondary, if not completely unimportant. So don't get into this trap of what is the highest path, what is the lowest path, which path is for me, which is right for me. All of this stuff is unimportant. Who is this moment of your life for? Is it for ego or is it for truth? Is it for me or is it for God? Once you're clear about this—that this moment, this moment, this moment, this moment, this moment, this moment, every moment is for God alone—then the methods will come. The path will become clearer. The right guidance, the right teachers will show up. So, is your life for God? And what is the evidence for that? Not that God is asking for everything; I'm only asking because it is very common for us to have these... many times we can have very lofty ideas about ourselves, but our lives are not evidence of those ideas. In biblical terms, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So coming back to the absurd idea: we have a chance to be in God's eternal presence forever, beyond time. That is the offer of spirituality. Yes, that is what is on us. And what is being asked for from our side? To empty the lane, to empty the road for God alone. Can anyone do it 100%? I don't feel so; at least I so far have not been able to. But do we know? Is it like clearing an entrance exam to IIT or engineering or some medical exam where you say, 'I studied this much, I should get these many marks, and if I'm not too unlucky, then I should be able to get this much and I should be able to clear this examination'? Is it like that? No, it is not like that because of Grace. We don't know how Grace will play. We don't even know how Grace works. We actually know nothing about how anything works. But let's pick on Grace for a bit. So we have no idea how this Grace functions, and if we knew, then it would not be Grace; it would be some mechanics of something.

Given that it's ultimately a question of Grace, does that mean that nothing then is required of us? In fact, just the opposite. But ultimately it's a question of Grace. But whatever I feel I have in my power—and what is the way to check that? Whatever things you feel you have in your power in the world that you want to do something, you want to achieve, you want to go here, you want to take a holiday—you feel you have agency, you have volition, you have some power. Whatever that is, you must use it fully in your longing, in your thirst for God. So to put simply: go crazy in love with God, and I promise you this, you will not regret it. And if 'crazy in love with God' sounds a bit too far-fetched at the moment, then a little more than you are right now. And remember what I said: the 'how' will come, but your intention right now is what is important.

And it's beautiful the way the world works, because the minute you become a little bit crazy for God, the world starts to attack you. Why did I say beautiful? Because you have instant feedback. You're going the right way. If your family is calling you silly, if the world is saying, you know, these kind of things, it gives you instant feedback that something is pushing some button somewhere. And I want to tell you that if that is happening, you started to really surrender yourself to God. Maybe too general a thing to say; you can check with me. It all depends on that question: Is God here? Is He here?

One beautiful way to check—and I had no idea that something is going in this direction, but because it was sounding like Krishnamurti earlier—but one beautiful way to check is that love Him and see if that love is reciprocated. Not with the expectation, of course, but just with innocence. I promise you that this is the relationship in which the reciprocation is beyond expectations and it is no strings attached. And the beautiful thing about this is that if you love God more and more deeply, does that mean that your quota of love is running out and the people around you won't get that love? Then it's not true at all. It's the opposite. The more love you offer to God, the more it reflects. True love, unconditional love, reflects in the world as well. And if there was nothing there, then how is your love coming back to you manifold? What is the source of love in your heart? Whose presence is sitting there?

So don't make this classical mistake which is to, when we get rid of personhood or try to attempt to make the attempt to be rid of personhood, we also make it impersonal. I don't know how better to say it. It's not robotic. It's not robotic. It's not that 100,000 times of inquiry will bring you to the scientific discovery of Consciousness, and in the scientific discovery of Consciousness, you will meet the substance called awareness. It is not that. When we say it is the living presence of God, it is truly meant that way. God is a—I know it sounds like it should be kindergarten—but God is a living being, not a scientific phenomenon. And if we measured every relationship in our life and they were not focused on Him, in my view, it is a wasted life.

Can we have a relationship with God? Not if it were just a scientific force called Consciousness. Not that Consciousness is a scientific force; I'm just saying that many times with these words we end up looking at Him in that way instead of one that is the source of all love, the source of all intelligence, the source of all truth, all insight, of everything. There is only because He is. And if it seems completely literal to you what I'm saying, then your life would be different from what it is. But because somewhere it still sounds like hocus-pocus to you—which is how it works in my view—that is why to say that Ram lives in your heart, or Krishna lives in your heart, or Devi Ma lives in your heart, or Jesus lives in your heart, or Allah lives in your heart, or Waheguru lives in your heart, seems a lot more approachable somewhere than to say Consciousness is the holy presence in your heart.

Does that mean that these words only signify that? No. In Consciousness, all aspects, all representations, and much more than we can ever imagine are alive. So Ram Ji is a million times more than we can ever imagine, and there are million times more expressions of Ram Ji than we can ever imagine. So is this relationship a placebo, a self-fulfilling prophecy, or is it a factual reality? So spirituality is how we start on that relationship and how we come to the full union in that relationship. Is there one way to start a relationship? Everyone starts in a different way. Every relationship starts in a different way. Some things which always seem to work in one relationship don't seem to work in another relationship. But here's where the beauty of God is: that whichever way you want to create a relationship with Him... Ashtavakra was saying about even in a hateful way, He will make Himself available to you. So many examples of Ravana, Kansa, all these.

So isn't it beautiful that whichever way we want to relate to God—as child, as father, as best friend, as lover, as disciple—whatever the construct of the relationship that we want, and whichever aspect of God appeals to us in whichever way, He makes Himself available to us. That's why I love Swami Ramdas saying that God is the only thing which you can attain just by turning towards Him. You don't have to grab, you don't have to do anything else, just turn towards Him in whichever way that you want with sincerity, with integrity. If you're a Gyani, if you're a Bhakta, if you're a Yogi, if you're any kind of temperament, all that is needed is for you to turn towards Him. When? Now. When? Now. So it's more a question of 'now' than a question of 'how'. Don't waste your life just thinking of what how, which how is better. 'I feel this one, I feel, you know, just this one is better like this, I prefer it like this.' Your whole life doing that, but you never really turn. Like reading the instruction manual your entire life, but you never actually go. So it's a question of application more than understanding for what it's worth.

To remain simplistic for some more time, because I feel like it is helpful somewhere to just simplify a bit: if you're proposing marriage to someone, of course it is up to them to say yes or no, and that is what in this context we are calling Grace. But to say it's all up to Grace, but I will never put out my hand in the first place because ultimately it is Grace, would be silliness. We have to offer ourselves fully and say that 'I am yours, do with me as you please.' So what does it boil down to again? Is God here? Is God here? Because if He is here, then who would I trust—me or Him—to run this life, to own this life? With every decision, with every heartbeat, with every breath, who would I trust? If the one who appears in the forms of Ram, Krishna, Jesus—if that one is here, then how important is this 'me'?

I was telling a child, you make an agreement with me today: how much of the rest of your life are you going to spend on this 'me'? You decide how much. How much you want to spend? And that 'how much' doesn't depend on your age, it doesn't depend on how long you've been in Satsang, it doesn't even depend on whether you had awakening experiences, whether you consider yourself enlightened or bound. None of these things matter. What matters is now. Your 'now' belongs to whom? Right now, you belong to whom? That is what is important. And if we're going to be Advaita about it and you say, 'Who me? Who there? There is no me to belong to,' whoever that one is, that is the one that I'm talking about. That 'no me' who makes the claim that there is no me, that 'no' belongs to whom? That one that gets a bit agitated in hearing all this, that one who seems to know a lot, that one—all for Him.

Then is the important question of palpability, apparency, tangibility. The mind says, 'How can I offer myself completely to Him when I haven't even met Him? I haven't even seen Him yet. All this is easy for Ananta to say because supposedly he has met Him, but how can I make a relationship with one who I haven't seen?' Isn't that often the complaint? That is where the teacher comes in. That is where faith or devotion to the teacher comes in. Suppose I took you to a place—or whoever is a worthy teacher, not this foolish man—so the worthy teacher took you to a place where you had to walk down some steps and he says to you that, 'Take a dip, you're in the Ganga.' You just walk down some steps, you can't see the Ganga, and he says, 'Take a dip, you're in the Ganga.' Would you take that dip? Remember, the teacher is worthy. You would. Isn't that faith? No point having a teacher and if you know that the teacher is worthy and you still won't take that dip, then there's no point, because he's just asking for a dip afterwards.

In the same way, when the teacher says remain inward-facing, whether you feel He's there, whether you think He's there, whether you experience that He's there or not, then that is the question of faith. And you know the good thing about this is that if you are inward-facing and you never have a spiritual experience, you will still be happy in your life. You will never be unhappy. The sages of old didn't say Mukti then Sukhi; they said Antarmukhi, Sada Sukhi. Inward-facing, always happy. So what does inward-facing mean? To value that which is inside more than that which is outside. To value the audience of one who is watching you from inside more than the audience of maybe a few or hundreds or thousands or millions which could be on the outside. Not what they think about you, not what they believe about you, not how they behave with you, but what is your relationship with Him? That is inward-facing.

And to use the example, sanctum sanctorum of most temples, they are usually quite dark, like a cave. Same way in your heart cave. Then when you stay there—some of us have been to these very old traditional temples, even if you go to Bhagavan's caves in Tiruvannamalai—initially you may enter, you may feel like it's all dark. Then you see, 'Ah, there's a place to sit over there, there's a photo over there.' It starts to take life, take shape. In the same way, as you remain inward-facing, you start to notice the textures of your inner life, your inner heartbeat, which is much more nuanced, much more sophisticated, much more subtle than anything on the outside.

Heart cave. Then when you stay there—some of us have been to these very old traditional temples, even if you go to Bhagwan's caves in Tal—initially you may enter, you may feel like it's all dark. Then you see, ah, there's a place to sit over there, there's a photo over there. It starts to take life, take shape. In the same way, as you remain inward-facing, you start to notice the textures of your inner life, your inner heartbeat, which is much more nuanced, much more sophisticated, much more subtle than this grossness on the outside. The guidance from there, the love from there, the light from there; your life there is a completely different texture than your life here, our life here. But to taste that life, you have to take the risk of letting go of outcomes here. Let go of the grasping here to allow yourself to feel on the inside. Don't lose this chance to live that life, no matter what is showing up on the outside for you. It doesn't mean that you have to give up on the outside. It can, it will still flow. That's where it's flowing from anyway. All this projection on the outside is flowing from there only. You keep your focus on the root of where all this is coming from, then your inner life will be transformed.

What is usually a good test of whether that is happening? How the world is reacting to you. 'I don't like spending time with you anymore. You've become so boring.' You've heard that often, no? 'You only want to talk about satsang. Come, come, let's get a drink. I know you'll say no.' So this is usually—not that it has to happen like that, maybe your outer expression is different, it's all right—but I'm just saying don't be scared of these things when they come on the outside. It means something is growing on the inside. And as you taste your inner intoxication, there is no intoxicant in the world which can match that. Not that you do it for that; it's just a byproduct. Nobody who has come to the taste of God has said, 'Oh, that's it? I've had better.' Nobody has.

But because for a long time in the journey, His presence, His light—which is unperceivable and will always be unperceivable—it'll be found through a different set of eyes which grow on you as you remember Me within. So because this process of remaining inward-facing for a long time is faced with no reward, no fruit, it can seem like spiritual frustration. All of that is very common for it to happen, you see. And Maya is offering you everything that it can, especially now. It says, 'This also, this also, this also you want? You can do this, you can do that. You can have this one, you can have that one.' Everything is on offer, especially at this time. So how to hold steady? And the realm of the unreal seems so compelling, and reality seems to be bearing no fruit. 'It's all he's talking about: intoxication, love, light, all of that. I am not finding anything.' It's very natural to feel that.

That is where, of course, faith in your teacher's words, but also the tools of prayer, inquiry, all the sadhanas, all the practices, spiritual reading, immersing yourself in devotional singing—whatever it is—that's why all of this coming to satsang, all of this helps. All of this is for that. If Maya wasn't compelling, then we wouldn't need satsang. Or maybe we'd need only one where all this is said and that's it, it's clear, you see. Because Maya is constantly at it, and many times it's at it with satsang and also the minute you leave satsang, we need constant reinforcement, constant reminders in this way because our inner life is very easy to forget. And now forgetting comes in the form of postponing. Not that anybody says, 'No, I never want it.' They say, 'Okay, there's time for it tomorrow. Today I have important things to do.' There's nothing more important than this. And if it wasn't for the will of the One who was sitting inside you, inside within yourself—His presence sits in your heart—if it's not for the will of the One, then no matter what you do on the outside, nothing will ever work.

I was saying to another child that if—don't worry—if it is from God, if something is from God, you don't have to grab at it. It will never be taken away from you. You only have to grab as the 'me'. So given that God's life is unperceivable, God's light and life is unperceivable, and the world is full of shiny perceptions, we need the help of prayer, we need the help of inquiry, all the tools and pointers that the sages have told us. So which story about the 'me' is actually worth spending time on? What about your best story, the one that you spend the most time on? Is it worth it? Worthy? That story will keep you away from Krishna, from God. Yeah, break as well.

Father, I have a—I don't know if it's a question or more like a submission. And I have brought it earlier as well: the oscillation. And can you say the crazy mad love? I feel that for Devi, and then it also goes. It's almost like it goes—I don't know that distinction because does it go or do we go? I don't know. But it's like when I'm in that zone, it's really crazy, mad longing, pining, dissolution in the lotus feet of God. And then with—maybe when I go or I'm not in that zone, then it feels so effortful to then even sit in prayer. It feels like so much effort. Then it's just an intellectual activity and it's almost like I'm traveling between two different worlds because I also don't have exact words to really... it's like suddenly it's everything or it's nothing.

I get you, I get you. So let me frame it in a different way. Suppose that that experience of Ma didn't come, it wasn't yours, you never had it. How much effort would you be willing to put to have it once?

It's almost like when I'm not in that zone, then sometimes I don't even have a desire for it.

Yes, this is true actually. Now looking at it objectively, this is true because when we are in Maya, then Maya seems important; God doesn't seem that important. This is very true. But I'm saying now, sitting in satsang, suppose that I said to you that if you pray now for two hours every day, then at the end of your life you may have that feeling of dissolution once.

Sitting here, I would say that I would do it for four hours every day. And I feel that's why for me, even if life takes over and then I'm like, 'I have to go to satsang,' because for me this is like a recharge, like a reminder of that essence. And sitting here I would say a yes to everything.

Yes, so good. I had this question many times. So what is the best gift you can give that one who is not going to be sitting here in a few hours?

A discipline of practice?

Even more than that. A full immersion in God right now while you're here is the best gift you can give to that one who is going to be out of satsang. Because it lingers, the fragrance lingers, and it becomes muscle memory in a way. We get used to our home being this, and that is why satsang is repeated often and it's fairly long, so that we get used to our new habitat like this, you see. Now what is the worst gift you can give that one?

To actually not reconnect with any of these avenues that are reminders of that, such as satsang or talks or bhajans or chantings. To completely go away from it completely.

And another way to put it is: suppose that you spend all your time in satsang thinking about that one. Would that be the best gift or the worst gift?

Worst.

Is it so? All your time in satsang, just don't fix it for that one. Because our tendency is to try and fix it for that one. You can only fix it for us right now. You cannot fix it for that one. But if you fix it for this one sitting here right now in this moment, full-heartedly offering herself up to Ma, then that one is getting blessed in the process. But the mind says—then that is the trick that prevents you from being here fully even now—because it's saying, 'Yeah, it's fine, it's easy now, but what about later?' And it is very common for all of us to go through this because obviously we have concern about what will happen later. But that we may not see fully, that it prevents us from being fully, using this opportunity fully to just let go, let loose. Use the safe space fully to deepen in your love for God. Nobody will judge you, nobody. All of us are in the same boat. So use the opportunity fully and then that one will get rested in the process.

Yeah, but no, it's—I don't know, I am not able to find words, but there is an increasing disillusionment with the ways of the mind and with what Maya or the world has to offer, and yet it's sticky.

Yes, it's sticky. It's so sticky. It's like being in a... it is quicksand. Yeah, it is. That's why Kabir Ji also said Maya is the mahathugini, is the greatest artist. Because otherwise, at his level, he would have said, 'What? Maya is nothing for me.' But no sage has ever said that. Anyway, maybe in a moment of just pure insight you have those utterances come, but really, no sage has ever underestimated Maya because they know how she plays. It's very sticky. And you're right that compared to what you find in your inner life, it has nothing to offer. And that is what maybe you're calling disillusionment, but I'm just calling it seeing things as they are. That is why the sages have called Maya the great con artist, or called us foolish when we run around in Maya where the diamond has actually been in our pocket all this time. They've said all of this, isn't it? Because so far we've taken its offers to be real, as if it can offer something tangibly important, worthwhile to us. But now we see that it is not worthwhile. All that is valuable, all that is worthwhile, comes from within ourselves. So I won't say disillusionment; I will just say that coming to terms with how things are. Because the framing of the words then can also be very tricky.

I also want to thank you for something that happened with me two or three weeks back. And it was in the night, I was listening to one talk and then I was meditating and doing some chanting, and there was this snapping off at a very experiential level of feeling like a current and not the body and the mind. My husband was sleeping next to me and I was up in the night, but it felt so scary. I was like drenched in fear and then it's like I was drowning. And then for me Devi appeared and you appeared and I was like, just kind of help me, because it felt—I don't know, it was dread. And then that night—and my parents were here and they were leaving the next morning—I had... it didn't even feel like a dream, it felt like something very dreadful where there is an evil spirit from my mom's body that is trying to like destroy me. And I woke up with so much fear. Dreams also feel real, but that didn't feel like a dream. I just woke up and I think I again kind of—I think you automatically kind of appeared in my mind and that gave me a lot of... that gave me something to hold onto. But that was just... and then again next morning it felt like the force of the mind came like multiplied like infinite times. And I had like low-grade anxiety for the next couple of days. Low-grade anxiety like consistently, like I could feel that my heart was beating faster, but it just felt very scary. And I've had that experience once or twice some years ago as well. But yeah, that little bit of surrender that I could feel felt like holding onto a plank when drowning. This happened before Janmashtami, but when I was here on Janmashtami I didn't get a chance to say this.

Good. Our layers of existence are much more than we can ever fathom or imagine, and our returning to God is happening at many more levels than we can really see. So just this surrender is good, and I'm glad you got some reassurance in the process itself. And that is God's grace, that even while the cleanups are happening, He's there to show us that He's with us. Yeah. The more we surrender, the more we just say, 'If God is with me, then what do I have to worry?' The more we can meet things in innocence, the easier it is. If we know that, for example, Devi is with you, then you have nothing to worry about.

Turning to God is happening at many more levels than we can really see, so just this surrender is good. I'm glad you got some reassurance in the process itself, and that is God's grace—that even while the cleanups are happening, He's there to show us that He's with us. Yeah, the more we surrender, the more we just say, 'If God is with me, then what do I have to worry about?' The more we can meet things in innocence, the easier it is. If we know that, for example, He is with you, then you have nothing to worry about, isn't it? And it's good. I don't want to say too many words on this because then minds can pick that up and can create things. But you are safe.

Like when I was younger and maybe just getting into spirituality, I always noticed the promises that sages made to us. So I noticed that Tulsidas Ji said that if you sing this one hundred times, then you will be free—the Hanuman Chalisa. So my question was: one hundred times continuously or one hundred times totally? Because totally I can do. So I conveniently used that as totally. Sing this one hundred times over many months. And I feel like promises the sages made do come true; we just need to approach them with innocence. So if he said that, a sage would never lie to us. Lying is the domain of foolish people like me. So sometimes the simpler we are, the more childlike we are, then these reassurances are available in the words of the sages, or life shows us in one way or the other. But if you're really complicated, then you'll say, 'Oh, one hundred times? He just knows that if you sing it one hundred times, it'll become a habit, it'll become life, you know.' Then we are just being skeptical about it. We just say Tulsidas Ji said it, okay.

Father, so funny, I wanted to share that, you know, you said several times to be a beginner, stay a beginner. And it came to me about maybe a couple of weeks ago. You know how it is, something stays right? So it was like, 'Be a beginner.' And then I was finding when I used to sit for my inquiry, I didn't realize, but I had become a 'meditator.' I had become someone who could sit and who could do all sorts of whatever. And then I said, 'No, be a beginner.' I have a friend of mine, she keeps saying, 'I'm a beginner, I'm a beginner, so I have to put the guided meditation, otherwise my mind goes all over.' And I used to say—I didn't say it like that to her, but I used to think to myself—'Oh, I don't need this guided meditation.' But I thought, 'Chalo, now if I'm going to be a beginner, let me put this guided meditation.' And I just surrendered as though it was the first day that I was sitting, as though it was the first time that I was on my journey. It was a very beautiful experience, and it brought to me the importance of that innocence and almost like a childlike quality in this.

Exactly, yeah, exactly. It's a very, very good, very important story. That's very important because the more we think we know, we become all jaded and skeptical, and we make it much more difficult for ourselves. That's the mind. Exactly, the mind. That's why the sages have reminded us so often: remain in the beginner's mind. Beginner's mind. Like you're the beginner. We know enough, actually; we don't need to know more. We just have to drop our own knowledge and our own ideas, all of that. All this pride and being grown-up that we are all playing, you see, we have to drop all that and return to the innocence of a child. Have you really noticed this—that nobody actually grows up? We just learn how to play more and more grown-up. Nobody really grows up, isn't it? Inwardly, we are all just the same as we were as children. It's just we learn to put on these masks, just made-up stuff. I noticed because society tells us that's the right way to be and this is how you must engage, all these kind of things. Do you want the AC on for a bit, or you're okay?

It's a bit warm, Father. Can I ask? It doesn't feel like I'm risking it, that you're risking so, or I'm paying the price of God anywhere. So is it that it's something lacking, Father, or is that a measurement of my effort or sincerity if I'm not feeling it being risked?

It's been risked so many times. Like I notice with you, and it happens with everyone, that in Satsang you'll hear something and it'll seem very frustrating, very something is squeezing you. Like the other day you said that 'I'm really regretting coming here today.' So it's like that, and still you continue to come. So for me, that is also a risk—that at the risk of being frustrated, at the risk of something getting squeezed, we still continue to come. As more and more we stay with His presence, more and more we learn to follow His will and to surrender. The sacrifice of our own will seems like the most risky in the human condition. If you had to give up on everything that you want and to remain empty and allow Him to move you and guide you, that can seem like a risk, you see. But that is what servitude means; that is what Bhakti means. So that could be one area of contemplation, saying, 'Am I just still swinging to my own beat, or am I really waiting for God to move me and guide me?'

Father, do I always have a choice to be with God? Or do I sometimes conveniently say that it is beyond me or I'm automatically going to Maya? Do I always have a choice, Father?

Whenever at least that question comes, you can be with God. The other times, maybe many times are write-offs. Even here, when something just seems too important and we completely forget about God in those times, those times are write-offs anyway. Of course, in those moments, could we have turned to God? Yes. But there's no point thinking about that; that is just causing guilt where there's really no need for guilt. But those times where we can, we see, 'Okay, now can I be with God or do I have to go with this situation? Can I wait a minute or should I rush into it now?' If that ability to contemplate is there, then you have the ability to remain with God in that moment, and there we must make all efforts. I wonder if all of you have this. I have these many moments where just something just—like you have this—it seems so easy, no? And it seems like just a few minutes, just waste your time, what a stupid match or what something. Not again, I'm saying not about the match itself, you see. And it seems so just, and it says, 'Today you did focused prayer for this long today.' It brings out all the evidence why it is all right to waste time. So like that. So then if you have that push-pull, then go towards God with everything that you have. But sometimes that push-pull is not there only; you just find yourself. Not an excuse, okay? We have to be true to ourselves. So then no point thinking about, 'Oh, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.'

Father, for moments or hours in the day where the experience is, let's call it ordinary—it neither seems like it's in Maya, neither does it seem like there's any richness or nectar—but it's just nice. Let's just call it that. Do you think there's a tendency to think ordinary is not good enough, whereas that also could be being with God? Because I'm clearly not in Maya at that point. And this temptation to make everything exotic or rich with this nectar, which is beautiful when you get it and that grace comes, but the rest of the time not having it is also just fine. Is that...?

Yes. You said it's ordinary and you said it's like a nice ordinary.

Yeah, it's a nice ordinary. And the reason that's coming up is a friend of mine came to Satsang—I wasn't here, I guess—she heard about it through me and showed up on her own. I never asked her to come. And then I met her later; I didn't know that she had gone or come here. It's the opposite of beginner's mind. So she said, 'Oh, it was nice, it was nice.' I said, 'Oh, okay.' But then she had this look on her face. I said, 'Really, was it?' She's like, 'And I was hoping...' That's a common complaint. So I said, you know, like you asked that day. So then we just laughed it off; we didn't go any further. But I think what she was saying is she was looking for something, that Kundalini arising or whatever everybody's tripping on here.

Be careful what she asks for. Sorry, she should be careful what she wishes for. Now, that Kundalini is very beautiful and it's Ma in a way, but it can be quite painful.

What is that, Father? I mean, I've been coming here now almost three years. I don't think about that stuff. Like, some exotic experience has happened, not happened. Is that like somebody like me should be aspiring to that? Because I don't even think about it.

Don't have to worry about these things at all. If they come along the path, then they come. If they don't come... and nobody ever, even not even in spirituality, but ever is having the same experience, you know? What I may call Kundalini, another may be calling Kundalini, could be very, very different. But I have the frame of reference of what I have experienced versus what the other will have the frame of reference of what they've experienced. So we use these very broad terms, whereas experiences are much more intricate and nuanced, you see.

Yeah. Because you say meeting God is always an exercise in faith, and you started off with God being here. And if I have faith in your words that God is here, is that the same as meeting Him? Like if I pray to Him as though He's here, it counts as much?

It counts. Don't say it's the same. Is it? Because qualitatively it may taste different. But if there's counting somewhere, then it counts as much. In fact, maybe more. Maybe more to take a dip in that Ganga when you don't see the Ganga; maybe it counts more. But it's still kind of like belief, no? It's kind of, kind of, kind of. But it has a... it's like belief in the sense that there is no perception or rational idea that can testify to it. How it is different from blind belief versus faith: both may seem completely irrational and not backed by actual experience or perception, but the difference between belief and faith is that faith is backed by really something deeper in us, you see. Like you said—I'm going to use that with you all the time—which is that: what is that inside me which knows that there's something auspicious in this? There's something joyful, something beautiful in this. Something knows. That is faith. To follow the heart even though it may seem irrational to the mind. But not in the way the world thinks of this. The world says, 'Oh no, I'm all heart,' you see. What they are usually just talking about are the emotions, which are very topsy-turvy. The heart is a very stable place. The ones who just follow their emotions left, right, everywhere are very shaky because emotions can change very quickly. So the heart is very stable in love, that unshakable love at the center of it. It cannot be shaken out of that that easily. And that love gives you the courage, the patience, the reassurance. It's not a worldly love which is just this week this one, next week someone else, very fleeting, gets bored very easily. But the love from your heart does not feel that; it only grows. Can't think about love. Can't think about love.

There was another thing you were saying, and just don't worry about it so much. Just the process of falling down and getting up. The whole of spirituality is like that. Our whole spiritual journey is like that. Okay, maybe I should push my luck with this body. Yeah.