If You Spot It, Then Drop It - 15th June 2016

And on the way home, I had YouTube on on my phone and I was listening to the beginning of the satsang tonight—or for me tonight, for you in the morning—and you were talking with Robert. I was very, house, really tuned in to what you were saying and there was this arguing going on in my head while you were talking. I don't remember specifically what it was, but every time you would say something, there's a some again: 'Oh yeah, right. Oh sure. I, yeah right, I don't think so.' You know, that kind of complaining voice, the doubter. I guess the doubter. There's a real doubter in me and I'm exposing that. I guess what I was thinking was at least I was hearing what you were saying, because sometimes you're talking and you're really like the advice, I like, 'Okay, here it is.' There's some part of me that just goes I don't know where, you know, like off to lunch or something. You know, like there's this noise that starts and I can't hear, you know? I can't hear, like I don't know what you're talking about. It's like you're speaking Martian or something. But at least I was hearing it. The doubter was yelling in the background, but at least I could hear you enough to know, 'Oh wow, I'm hearing him and somebody's yelling.' So I wanted to put that out there.

And the other thing I wanted to expose is that it has seemed to be harder to maintain the awareness in the observer state in the last few days. There have been a lot of appearances, a lot of kind of big ones, good ones, you know, with my mother's birthday and I was organizing everything. And then the next day she ended up, she had some infection, she had to go to the hospital. It's like, you know, this extreme contrast. And then all the incidents that happened here in Orlando and it was like, 'Oh my god.' So a lot of intense intensity of appearances and my ability to observe was sort of non-existent for a while. And then I noticed today things are quieter, and when I started to go back into the awareness of awareness place, it just seems so dull and boring. Like, 'Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to heal? Life is better, things are calmer, you know, and do I really want to go all the way here? It's so quiet and boring.' So I want to expose that to you as well and to see what you had to say about that part of it. Okay, I'll be quiet now.

So did you see? Maybe pick up from one thing that I want to start with is this whole seeing that this doubter is there saying everything which is being shared in satsang is going, 'Yeah, right.' Yes, it makes it sound as if it's cheesecake or something so simple, easy, 'Take this.' But it is important, it is very good that you are able to say that there's this voice in me which is speaking like this, which is vastly different from saying that 'I was saying yeah, right' or 'I was feeling like this is not true.' So already there's a lot of space in that. So many times, especially in A Course in Miracles, people say, 'If you spot it, you got it.' Of course, that's used in a different context, but here, if you spot it, then you drop it. The spotting of it as separate from the reality of what you are, you see? You see that there is a doubter there which is speaking. You see, you're not saying that 'I am doubting.' Already that is very beautiful, see? Because the identity with it is dissolving. Although it might still have some sense of power, that is reducing. It is no longer that strong, that powerful, that it seems like it is 'I'.

So all of these are the attributes of the pretend 'I'. The doubter, the checker, the reporter—all of these, the same pretend 'I' have these attributes. And it's very good that you're able to spot these and say that, you know, earlier it was so strong that as you would speak, it would just seem like 'I'm distracted' or 'I am doubting everything that you say,' therefore not able to hear. Today what was happening is that something was really hearing, you see? Something, the meaning, was being recognized directly, and yet the mind was trying to resist it by coming as the doubter and saying whatever it can come up with, any sort of tone. So it's very good, actually. For me, it is a good report that you were able to see that there's this voice, which is the same voice, the voice of the mind playing in different roles: the doubter, the proclaimer, the reporter, the checker. All of these are the variants of the one ego. And now you're able to spot it as if it's just a voice which is appearing just like any other appearance. And that already, you see that you are not it. There's a voice here which is claiming to have the separate identification, but it's losing its power because you see, 'I am able to hear what you're saying, something is assimilating that, and yet this guy keeps saying something or the other to get in the way.'

When I hear you, instead I'd say I'd be happy to have it. You consider that sort of progress? And at the same time, there's the sadness that comes. We're talking, what is the message with the sadness? Is it just an image? It's not excitement. So I'm curious, I think it's a sadness and I've been trying to figure it out. You know, I'm a therapist, that's my job, right? To figure out my own issues. But I don't think there's a story connected to it. It's just this energetic sadness.