Fear of the Silence - 22nd April 2016

Yes, so this fear must be allowed to be released right now. Don't try to live in it. Even if you have to scream it, okay? Don't worry about it.

Well, it's almost 11:30 p.m. here in California, so I mustn't scream into my pillow so I don't scare my neighbors. Yeah, it's very scary. Something there is just this energy in my heart chakra that's just, ah, this is very scary.

Hmm. Let this fear be relieved in this way. It's very good actually. Don't resist anything at all. Don't try to push it or try to hide or rush it. Don't say it's good or bad, anything at all.

There's the shaking. I am, I'm shaking. Yeah, sorry. So my... there's just this energy in my... ooh, scary, scary. And I'm seeing it a little bit, or some. I'm aware of it. And there's something that wants to cry. Feels like a little girl is inside of me and she's jumping up and down screaming and crying like, 'I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared!'

Yes, let her be. Let her jump about as much as she likes. And she's the one saying, 'Help, help.' She's saying, 'Daddy, help, I'm scared.' You have time. There's no rush. Let all this flow through you. Don't do this to anything at all. The dropping of the mask is not always pretty, pretty, sweet, evil chocolate.

I know. I was thinking, 'Oh great, this is being recorded.' But it's scary. I'm just really scared. And I hit this place before, and I hit a wall before when I've been with this silence. The wall fear is here, fear is here.

And you are able to see already this awareness is untouched by this fear. So there is nowhere to go there. No hitting a wall. It is just becoming used to the fact and to see that the diary may not touch even in this fear. It is a part of you which is untouched, but actually, that is the whole within which the small part of the appearance, well, fear is just jumping about. Even experiences like there's a part of you which remains untouched. You see that this is where I am. This is the truth of who I am. This is untouched witnessing. Even in this, one is not to control any appearance. It's not saying it'll crack or do any of them.

I don't even know why I'm crying. Good. At any person, then along with crying is all the things I know. I tell my clients that all the time. I told them that all day today. Not here. I'm crying. It's kind of funny. Sadness. There's nowhere to go. I'm here. I am. I'm losing nowhere to go. I can't run anymore. You know where to go. The silence is scaring me to death. Like I feel the silence is very thin right around here.

Silence does not scare you to death. It is scary for the one that never existed. It is scared of this dissolution of the false identity.

Was that the dissolution that I started to feel a couple weeks ago in the restaurant at work? I was like, 'Well, I can do that.' Who? And here I am right here. I wish I could put my head in your lap. I don't even know why I'm crying. Oh no, don't know anything at all. Don't know anything at all. I don't even know what day it is. See people smiling and laughing at what? I don't know why. It's so tangible, the silence. I'm afraid I'm suppressing something because it's so silent.

The silence can never harm you. If something were to attack you, it would not be the silence.

Now, it would be pretty nice if it wanted to attack me.

Yeah, it is the noisy one that would be attacked or dissolve.

Oh no. Yeah, there is a real noisy one over here. She's been here a long time, a long time. Our help, it could be helped. Yeah, but I don't know what to do. Yeah, I don't know whether to go here. See, this one wants to engage in some way. It wants to break the silence of being with as long as you keep coming with a tongue, he will resign. The agency is inescapable. You know what? The very first time I saw you, somebody had posted—it was after Rishikesh—and somebody posted in Mooji Sangha Facebook group about your silent retreat. I'd never heard of you and you know, I thought, 'Okay, what the heck?' because I was still in the Rishikesh mood. But okay, so I went to hear first. So at the retreat, you know, the first night—well, for me was a night, I think it was a Saturday morning was my Friday night—and I was like, 'Haha, you're sitting in this chair just kind of relaxing,' you know, like, 'Ah.' I was like, 'Who is this guy?' First, him honking, really? He's just chilling out, you know? I get like, yeah, I miss him. I'm used to Mooji being like a rock, though, and he's like really... and then the second thing was I couldn't understand a word you were saying. Like, 'Oh my god, I have to study his Indian accent,' you know? To me, an Indian accent, I know I couldn't understand you. And I know a lot of Indian people, there are a lot of Indians around here, but heavily I can't understand this guy at all. And then the third thing was the silence. Your silence scared the out of me. Like, 'Oh my god, it's so silent.' I mean, I couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand it the first night. So I shut it down and I went to listen to some of your videos so I could start to understand how you spoke. Came back the next day and again it was like, 'I can't stand the silence.' It was like, 'Oh my god, more silence than anything I'd ever experienced, even with Mooji.' It's hard to believe. And then by the third night or so, I fell in love with you. And then it was okay. The silence was like, 'Okay, I can deal with this.' And I think I could deal with this. And then I figured I have it, you know? I've trained my ear to understand you. And now it's like, I know what my problem was before. So it's the silence. That's what I think drew me to you is the silence first. It scared me to death, then it was like, 'Oh, I'm hooked.' And I feel like I can now. As soon as I stop talking in this minute, there's no silence. How do I be silent and talk at the same time? Is it possible?

I'm to get used to the silence, then all talking can come from there. Who doesn't break any silences? This talking, she's only the intuitive person which is speaking, is not in opposition to any silence.

I was thinking today when I was with... I had many clients today. They were really noisy, oh my god. And I was trying to be silent and I was like trying to be quiet in my head and just be there. And I did a pretty good job. I kept thinking, 'How am I going to be help with all these really noisy persons?' you know? Oh, how do you do it? And how do you do it? I'm asking you, how do you do this?

So here's apparently silent and there's a lot of us. No, everyone's around on its own very naturally. The recognition of the silence and the allowing of this simple presence to unfold in its own way, that there's no sense of control, there's no sense of even how silent or noisy it must be. When all of this layer is left to grace, then there is no trouble in any of this actually. I read a quote today about a Rumi quote. Somebody asks Rumi, 'Rumi, you speak so often of silence and yet you're speaking all the time.' And he said something—I am paraphrasing—he said, 'The silent one has never spoken.' Something like that.

Thank you for your presence. I love you very much. Thank you.

But I know we love you. Love you too. I know very much firsthand how this can seem fearful, this silence. Some of you know the story where one day actually, or at least some time before I met Guruji, it happened that one day I resolved not to leave the self-inquiry till I discover the Self. Because the one had said, 'You do the self-inquiry, you will find the Self, and don't leave it till you do.' Oh, what did I do? I don't care what happens. And sat down. 'Who am I?' And just... it's a beautiful self-inquiry. Who am I? Thoughts came, and everything that came, who is the witness of these? And after a while, everything became so silent, just quiet. And there was the sense that a long time had passed in this silence. And I... that some fear, like you see, started to come. And the message that it told me, this fear, was: 'Stop this now. I'll give you a good life.' I survived, I advanced... the combo punch was it said, 'Hey, are you...?' So the mind itself said, 'Stop, I'll give you a good life.' And it helped. It's a deal. And what? Get out of the inquiry. And there's so much guilt. See, now you were discovering the Self, everything became so quiet, and yet you made the deal with it. Have a soul to the day. This kind of stuff, this nonsense started coming up with both the offer and acceptance of the both the mind. I was still only the witness of it. Aha! So that is why the presence of a living master is so beautiful in our lives, because all this nonsense is not you. All this play can be discarded very easily. So then it became clear that all mind tricks can be very tricky actually, and it uses all fear, every appearance possible to convince you to bring you back into your personal identity. It can use Advaita, it can even use knowledge. Question this simple address together just by giving you baby... so it gives you these deals in the mind. 'Okay, now this is a good option for me to ask this question,' or it distracts you away from this. The sense of this dissolution gives you some new lollipop, you know? Thank you. Thank you for doing this.

So welcome, my dear. All reason. Yeah, well, thank you very much. Here, your energy and your devotion, I appreciate it very much. Thank you.