Exposing What We Find is Still Happening with Us - 22nd August 2016

So when the moment comes that again, you know, you're making a chocolate cake or something and you wanted the whole thing for yourself, and somebody comes in and is looking at it, then as that happens and you're not falling into the trap of guilt and all of that, it is looking: 'So what happened there? Was it a sense of need that I have? What is the sense of not wanting to be exploited? Do I feel a sense of lack if our possessions are taken away? What is it we're most scared to lose?'

It's like... so something that's definitely there is this like exploitation, I guess. It's more that somebody is... you can feel the cook, you can feel good, and there is unfriendly... so that is the only... do you know what 'taking the mickey' means? Taking the mickey? It just meant like making a fool of, you know? It's kind of like they're being taken advantage of and being kind of the 'it' that somebody's just basically bouncing around on their own rhythm and not being respectful or considerate. And so if you're living at... and so then this defensiveness comes. And yeah, that's what it is. And so then what's been like the tendency recently has been just to want to just retreat, so just to go in my room and shut the door. But I can see that that's not going to solve anything.

And then we look as you, who is the one who can be exploited? And I wanted... exactly. There's nobody. There's nobody. There's nothing wrong.

But what happens is that when it happens, it's like this somehow, the sense of the constriction is there and then the voice starts and it's just going like it knows every button. It's just got like giggling and it's just basically, 'I'm... yeah, yeah, on this and remember that,' and certain sentences. It's like it's hypnotic in a way and I go into it and I believe it somehow. Or even when somehow I can see, 'Like, hang on a minute, who... and is that really the case?' still something's kind of like still got its claws in and it feels like that thing is me. I feel like I have to take some responsibility for it because I do feel like I am enjoying it on some level, some kind of weird...

Who is enjoying this business? Are we taking responsibility? These are all things that the mind can tell us. Yeah, and that's it, all sorted. The punch of the two combo. So it can be a bit later guilt. Maybe what I mean is, but like this, sometimes that advisor, the one that will go like, 'Oh no, no, it's not me,' and so then I don't even have to look at it also. You know, like that kind of insincerity, like a fake niceness. Yeah, I can't run with that anymore. That's not going to do anything. That's useless.

So now I'm looking more kind of... yeah, that. And everybody is dead hopeless. It's like this.

Look, the interaction that happens when you're in the process of making your tea is not what we are trying to fix here, because that can flow still. You could be a sage and you can tell somebody, 'Don't look at my tea, okay?' You can just change very readily like that. You can buy stuff alone, you see? It can flow like that. But what we're really looking at is, first, the byproducts of all of this: 'This is happening with you, that maybe yes, I want to be like that, I'm enjoying that play,' or the guilty or the selfish one. Look at all of that and see whether at the root of this manifesting is a sense of need or lack or victimization or exploitation, which is all just mental, you see? So once all that is thrown away, or most of that is thrown away, then it doesn't matter.

It's definitely right. In the bigger picture, there is something like... it's like a kind of a different look. Oh, just okay. But also, you know, like I don't have a job and I don't... you know, obviously got Gracie in England who's missing me a lot, and I am just kind of feeling it a little bit like... you know, and almost as though it feels sometimes like all of that sense of responsibility for this life and all of that sense of like how things should be has been taken away. And I'm... I guess I think something's scared. Something is... I do sometimes feel like I was responsible. I believed you did a very good job.

No, I mean, I wasn't happy at all. So the mind could tell you these stories and gives you only part of the story. 'Okay, you know, you're happy now, irresponsible now, what about...?' You see these, and they're going to add all of those things. Were they... was I behaving much better then? You see? The mind can sell you these stories. But the question is: Who am I? Not really falling for any of these traps, you see? And as this direct seeing, as our tongue is meeting the rest of our life also, there's bound to be some friction, something where it seems like the rubber is hitting the road. There can be, but you find that it becomes more and more natural. And here, of course, you know that we don't have any rules. I'm not saying you have to always just be here or something. Time to go meet your daughter? You will find yourself booking the ticket. You find yourself coming back. Let's allow it very organically. Don't buy tickets to any merry-go-round. Why? Because basically, at the root of it, if I just leave everything to God, you see, he's going to... one, it's good; he's going to make a big mess out of it. Two, I'm now a very terrible, irresponsible, lazy person, you see? So all of these sticky things come with our sense of doership. And as we will let go, then you find that without this burden of doership, it is not that doing stops. It is the being responsible, 'responsible,' what are they thinking of me, am I being this way or that way—that drops away more and more. And you know that this consciousness, which is being allowed to run our life, has always been the one that has been running our life, without the sense of... with a lot less sense of pride and guilt.

So all of these sticky things come with our sense of doership. And as we will let go, then you find that without this burden of doership, it is not their doing stops; it is the being responsible, responsible—'What are they thinking of me? Am I being this way or that way?'—that drops away more and more. And you know that this consciousness, which is being allowed to run our life, has always been the one that has been running our life, with a lot less sense of pride and guilt.

The intertwining of various things: the sense of 'something can be taken away from me, you have to hold on to something, otherwise it goes away from me.' This kind of sense. Then the sense of 'How am I behaving? Am I being selfish, responsible, or irresponsible?' Then there can be a sense of 'Yes, yes, but I am justified.' Yeah, nothing like some power when you are blocking others from touching my stuff. We can look at all of these, which doesn't mean that our actions at the end of it... and especially when you say that it seemed like a deeply hypnotic state, so we cannot do anything there. But at least now coming to satsang, we see that then the hypnotism doesn't seem as strong. Then we can see what are the concepts I'm picking up. Lighten those. As you lighten those, then even the hypnosis will seem lighter and lighter.

And the thing is like that. That's why we've been focusing so much on that, because I can say that for all of you, you had very direct recognition about who you are, isn't it? Like when we speak about awareness and when we speak words, it's not a mental concept; it is directly verifiable, isn't it? Now, all of this old conditioning will come to play sometimes in a bigger way also as the recognition is happening. So allow it also to come and go. And what you did now is very useful. So to be able to expose it is not easy, because your roommate is also here and you compensate and...

No, sorry. I feel like my attention just keeps like diving off into imagination and I'm... yeah, I just feel like I'm not fully...

Exactly. It'll become like that, like that. So another good thing is I record all of this anyways, there is no escape, is there? You should... do you do that? You know, we discussed once you have come up with an idea that anyone who comes up with a question then has to go back and transcribe the interaction. If at least in that way we ensure that... because being here, you feel like you'll just get some snippets of what I'm saying and it might seem like I'm saying ABC, yet actually I might be saying the opposite. So that might be a good thing, especially for those who've been in satsang for some time. You can say, 'Okay, if you have a question now, have a real question, and let it be real enough that you're willing to put some effort to transcribe the answer afterwards.' That's good.

Okay, then we find that you see, you know also that you have to transcribe this later maybe, so more attention is... one of the biggest things that pulls our attention away is, 'Okay, how am I going to respond? What am I going to say next?' And that may also become lighter because you will see that the words will come. You do not have to work towards what you're going to say next. The exchange will become a lot more spontaneous. This is very good. That's why I've been saying that the recognition is very vital, very important. But with the help of the pointings which are being shared here, I feel that all of you are coming to that recognition. But that doesn't mean that the recognition itself is liberation, you see? Also, the allowing of all this conditioning to come out, to be released, to not give value to these things, not to give especially to our guilt about these things—that is very important too.

And there is no one hundred percent end to conditioning, because jokingly I used to say ninety-nine point nine eight six percent is enough. Like you said, many things that we forget we don't like. When you asked me to make that fan slower, then I realized how much noise it is making. So the things that are coming up now, which because your sensitivity is increasing you're finding... otherwise we could clearly go into our justification: 'Yes, yes, I was completely justified in doing what I did,' and anything like this. Here we are actually starting to look. And very, very importantly, you said something very good, which is we drop our fake spiritual personas also. You see, sometimes you can be like 'real' in satsang, so as to be nice. Okay, so all that dropping also is very authentic. So we don't have to forcefully make ourselves share or forcefully make ourselves love others. It's not like that. It's much more natural. That is the... 'I don't feel to share right now.' Sometimes our tongue can be for them as well. Things, I'm sure... it's not in any interaction, it always gives both sides something to look at, isn't it? So it is some searching for your roommate also.