Don’t Try To Get to Any Freedom, Just Refuse To Leave Your Free Place Already - 13th August 2021

Yes.

You're aware of the perception of this hand. So that which is aware, what is the shape of it, the size of it, the colour of it?

No shape, size.

They say that that which is beyond all perceptions is the truth. They also say that that primal witnessing is the truth. They also remind us that you cannot think about it; it cannot just be something that you have thought about. So are you just thinking that you are aware, or it is clear to you that you are aware?

Um, I am aware, but I must admit that like the fundamental word takes a lot of attention right now like these days. So I'm very also very distracted by the world.

Yes. What if I made it simpler for you and said it doesn't matter where attention goes? Okay, wonderful. Doesn't matter where attention goes. So allow attention to go wherever it wants to go. It is always reporting back to the same witnessing, isn't it?

Yeah, it can never go and report to someone else.

It so... so then that which remains unchanging is not the content of what your attention is bringing to you, but to which attention is actually reporting back to. So the content of the changing doesn't matter. Whatever may be appearing in the realm of change, it doesn't matter. So that you are aware of all of these perceptions, on what basis are you confirming that I am?

Yeah, I am that. Yes, it's already here.

Yes, yes. But do you see it?

Yeah, yes. Yes, and yet you see it but without perceiving it, isn't it? It's just weak, you know.

So now if it is that simple, let's also find something else that is you. What else is you?

Yeah, I feel... I feel you're right. There's also like an identification still with his mother and just having to take care of everything and have some responsibility and was afraid to lose everything.

Let's make it even simpler and see what else is you, even without you having to identify. Without having to identify, because what is you then must be you without the process of identification also, isn't it? So before you can identify, besides awareness, what else are you?

No, I don't understand.

So okay, let me rephrase. Rephrase the question is that I am aware. I am aware of all perceptions. I am aware. Now, it is not this awareness which seems to be in time and space and has any trouble of any sort. So therefore there must be another one which is already here, which I am, which has the potential to be troubled by any of this. Is there another one?

It's playing out because the playing out this work to be done which is the identification to be done. So right now if you don't identify, what else... what else am I?

Yes, if I don't identify. Yes, because the truth must be organically present, you see? Naturally present. No work to be done. So if there's another one of you which is actually there, then it need not be constructed moment to moment. It must organically, naturally be there. Can you find such a one? Organically, naturally be there?

Yes, feel a bit confusing like... confusion is my best friend.

Thank you. I use confusion to do the mind bypasses. Yeah, so don't worry if you're getting confused. Okay, so far we've only concluded that I am aware of perception, you see? Now let's dig into that a little deeper before we come back to the next one again. That which is aware, you see, and you—what is the difference between the two?

Yeah, I wish there was none, but there's still this... this identification with someone being very upset. Yes, situation.

Yeah. So right now in this moment, in this moment, are you identified? Right now, right now, right now. If I don't give you time to think, are you identified? Am I identified? Ah, right now, don't think. Right now.

No, not identified.

So before identification, are you anything other than awareness?

No.

See, so this is the simplicity of self-recognition. Recognized without having to perceive anything—in fact, impossible to perceive—and without having to think. Do you recognize that you are just witnessing all that is perceived? It's that simple. Now, if you did not have a desire, if you did not want to do something with this or with anything else that appears, if you didn't get anything out of it, then you would be free, which you are.

This organic... I didn't want to get anything out of it, I would be free? You mean if I have any desire in the world that would keep me in trouble? Even our spiritual desires?

You must... desires belong to someone who doesn't exist, because we just checked that before you identify, there is nobody else there. It is just awareness, yeah? Isn't it? And awareness doesn't want anything, not even freedom, isn't it? The light of existence itself. It is the light which powers up existence itself. How can it want something? It doesn't. So to want, you have to go back to that trick of identification, isn't it? You have to take yourself to be something other than this to want something. So duality leads to desire, you see? And then desire leads to doership. It says, "Okay, now that I want this, I am not enough, so what should I do to get it?" Yes. So to not identify breaks the chain, makes the dream of duality, desire, and doership. Okay, now the mind will say, "How can I not identify all the time?" Okay, now if this is the trick, how can I stay like this all of the time? But that is also a desire. It is not awareness saying, "Can I stay like this all the time?" because it always is. Then whose desire must it be? They cannot get out about whether you actually recognized it or not. The mind will tell you, "But you are just faking it. Have you really seen that you are awareness?" Yes, you have, but the mind cannot confirm this. So don't bother with the mind confirming.

What about like... like the desire that my son should be healthy and our economy should be okay and that she should take the right responsibility and do the right things? What about all of that?

See, the process of desire is a very long one. Yeah, it presumes an intelligence, individual intelligence, which is just not there. So surrender means that the universal intelligence, the universal being, can take care of everything. It doesn't need my intervention to remind it, "Okay, this has to improve, this has to get better, this is not good enough right now, this has to change." So it is like a very limited egoic intelligence going and reminding the supreme intelligence of the universe and saying, "This is what you must be doing." But that process is not needed because the supreme intelligence which is there, which is running the waking state right now, which is beating your heart and making your breath function in this moment, that is doing all of this anyway. So we can trust that, you see? Without that functioning, you see, all the rest would not matter anyway. If this intelligence was not beating your heart right now, then all would not matter because that would be the end game already. That intelligence which is running the millions of processes in one body and then trillions of organisms just on one tiny planet, among which there are trillions such planets which are observable, you see? So that can run all of this. Then it doesn't need our tiny intelligence to say, "Hey, you are messing that up a bit, you know? Can you fix that?" Yeah, as a mother, of course there's a natural tendency to see yourself healthy and things. So those you can keep, that prayer you can keep in your heart, that's fine, you see, for now. And then leave the rest to the supreme intelligence to handle.

Yeah, but can I ask you? Because I was like really having this urge and this longing just... just to kind of somehow be completely free and to just dedicate myself fully to satsang. And so I... that's actually why I quit my job and kind of selling a flat, and just all this fear came up, you know? And I'm... so there's this fear doing like a big mistake, like... like deceiving my son, like really deceiving myself or whatever. Please comment on that.

That which we think is the doer doesn't exist and therefore has not done anything at all. Everything that has ever happened has only happened in grace. Yes, thank you. So don't have to worry or wonder about how things will turn out and whether you did the right thing. The one who thinks it did doesn't exist anyway, as you just saw that only awareness is here. Yeah, so there's no need to take responsibility for anything that happened, actually. No responsibility, no guilt, no pride, you see? The whole spectrum of doing and doership. Either you take complete responsibility as consciousness itself because you are that consciousness and therefore you are responsible for the light, for the sun, for the moon, for the gravitation—either you take full responsibility because everything is your will as consciousness—or you take complete surrender, you see, as from an individual perspective. Completely surrender all doership to that universal consciousness. It is the middle where we take some responsibility and we do some surrender which gets us in trouble, you see? Because we get so confused about what we are then. So either as that which is all there is, all of this is your Maya, it is all your play, you see? So you are completely responsible for everything as pure consciousness itself. Or all of this idea, talk of doership and responsibility is fraudulent because we do not find the existence of an individual entity there anyway. So whose responsibility would it be if there was free will?

Responsibility and we do some surrender which gets us in trouble, you see, because we get so confused about what we are then. So, either as that which is all there is—all of this is your Maya, it is all your play, you see—so you are completely responsible for everything as pure consciousness itself. Or, all of this idea, talk of leadership and responsibility, is fraudulent because we do not find the existence of an individual entity there anyway. So whose responsibility would it be? If there was free will, if there was individual responsibility, there would have to be an individual, isn't it? How much responsibility does the space next to you have? No, how come it doesn't happen? It could have—no, it should be a bit more responsible. If there is nobody there to do anything, you see, in the same way, this body-mind construct which we take to be an individual doer does not have any individual agency. It does not know how to move a finger. So we actually just believe that we take responsibility for it. If we believe that, it's just like a belief. The consciousness plays with its own power of belief to take itself to be a limited entity, and as a limited entity, it plays with the notions of duality, doership, and desire. Without this deluded belief, you see, as part of its play, as part of its Leela, when it drops this belief of separation or duality, then if I say, 'Yes, you have responsibility,' but who would I be talking to? What would I be taking you to be, you see?

So on the spiritual path, Bhagavan has given some very good advice about this. As long as you feel that you are the doer and you can do something or you have some choice, make the choice to let go of your thoughts, you see. Make the choice to let go of your thoughts; then you will see that even that was grace. That is freedom: to recognize what you are, you see, to recognize what you are. Then all the mind's ideas about what you should be, how you should be, what you should do, what should happen to your world—all of those ideas are then discarded because you see that you are not that. And also, when you allow yourself to discard or surrender these ideas, to see what you really are is very simple, is very apparent. But once you pick up the mask of identification, when you pick up the mask of personhood and then try to recognize God, that is very difficult. But empty of that, it is completely apparent. So it is not that you are becoming free. It is not that you are becoming free; it is that you recognize that what you are can never be bound. So don't try to get to freedom. Don't try to get to any freedom; refuse to leave your free place already. That's all I'm saying. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Okay, let's go to Peter. Hello, my love. Hello, Anantaji. Hello. It's funny to see that there was a—to watch the one who wanted to prepare this talk with you and who was always afraid of complete openness. It's just a thing that came to me right now. And somehow I wanted to check in with you a little bit. And it's mainly to thank you for your pointers because for long, long years, this place of complete openness or this place of this timeless Self, it was only reached or it seemed only to be possible to reach it through immense practice, through deep meditation. And there was always a fear to lose it again. When in meditation something revealed and just this openness and this timeless place was revealed, after this, I was always in some fear to lose it again. And this somehow created a deep gap between... yes, it always seems I never can reach it, and I can reach it only through immense practice. And the wonderful thing is, through Guruji's pointings and also through your pointings and through grace, I see more and more that this is always here. This is always here. It was particularly this—it was so great to see that just between two thoughts, this is already here. You don't have to meditate, I don't have to do practice, I don't have to sit for hours in meditation. It's just here. And this, I'm so grateful for this because through your pointers and through Guruji's pointers, I somehow I see this, and it's increasingly clear that there is only this and I'm this. This is just wonderful.

Wonderful, beautiful, beautiful report. Beautiful. And of course, the truth is just here. If God was not here and God was not available, then there's no point having such a God. If the truth was not here, if we had to walk a hundred steps or even one step to get to it, then we could not call it the unchanging reality. So it is just that in the play of doership, it seemed like the natural way to get to the nose was to go through the back of the head and try to reach it this way, but it's just here. It's always here. And also, I must point out for those who are new that I'm not against any practice or any meditation or anything, but I'm against the notion of a meditator or a practitioner, you see. Because we can then build on things like, 'Oh, how many minutes or how many hours did I meditate today?' and this notion of achieving it or getting it—that which is always there—that gets in the way, no? So my suggestion is whatever brings you to openness and emptiness is fine, but don't take on the notion of being an individual practitioner who's doing well or badly and therefore you're being rewarded with the Darshan of God, or not being rewarded because you did not do well enough. Because all of these things can bring a lot of unworthiness and also sometimes pride and all resistance, which are not needed. Because there will be a search for God wherever you search for truth, right here, what is already here.

So naturally, you see, that's why I say when we are looking around on the streets and everything, God is waiting in our living room: 'Are you done? Are you done with your play?' What is right here? Whose presence do you experience when you taste your own being? Who's here? And for those of you again who are new and not feeling like you're tasting your own being, try to stop being. Don't be for a moment, and you will taste it. You taste it. So this being is who you are. Your mind has one job. Your mind has one job, which is to convince you that this being is personal. It is to convince the being itself that it is personal, and that is the design of the belief. So don't worry about the why it happens like that; leave all of that. Notice the presence, notice your beingness. See that it has no boundary. It is purity itself, so pristine, so beautiful. And you are aware even of this, aware so naturally aware even of this immensity and purity. What can be spoken about you? What can be so magnificent? And yet in the play of Maya, what we take ourselves to be is such a tiny basket of food. Leave all that. What is here? So if you don't confuse this living presence as if it is the presence of an individual and we see it for what it is, then...

This was exactly this personal story that I have to practice a lot to reach this, to come to this place. And this is exactly what you said, how the mind makes a story out of it.

Exactly, yeah, exactly. So this is what I'm introducing you to. This being, does it need any help to be? What support are we providing for being to be? Does it need the mind's advice? 'Be this way, don't be that way, the world has to be this way, it can't be that way.' It's like the wave is telling the ocean how to be. But the wave in this case is non-existent, you see. It's not even a wave. It's so, so beautiful. So beautiful. If I introduce any of you for one moment, for one moment, to this holy presence of divinity in your own heart, as your own presence, as your own being, I am very happy. I feel like my lifetime work is done. Do you have a camera with you? You want to come? Just on audio is fine too. Are they... sorry, okay. The time you want to get some water and come, that's fine too.

I have Tourette's. I keep on making a coughing sound every two minutes. This is my first time here. I just came to know about your Satsang. And I think my question was... recently I was taking part in the Satipatthana course in Vipassana. And I did another Vipassana camp four or five years back. And I think both the times I have this... so during one of these camps, I had come across a book, 'All is One.' And when I sort of turned the last page, I saw for the first time Bhagavan's picture, Ramana Maharshi's picture. And since I saw it, I don't know, there was something started happening inside, something. And I was like, 'What is this happening?' you know, 'I'm just looking at this picture.' And then for the next three days while I was doing the short video retreat, I couldn't help it. They were saying that you have to take from here and everywhere, but this thing was so strong. And I was just opening my eyes, 'What do I do?' So they said that, 'Oh, don't focus on this, keep moving your sensations here and there,' but this just kept happening. And now I notice, like whenever I maybe I go to a temple or when I see sort of the picture of Bhagavan, this again starts happening.

So this time during the Satipatthana course, I had this confusion while sitting in the Shunyagar when I used to sit for meditation. So there was obviously doing Vipassana, and when I do it through my own entire body, I feel lightness. Like when I say my neck is hurting because of my Tourette's and I do it and I feel like... so that is one thing. The other is this thing which, if I notice it, there is this constant movement near my chest or here, a very large movement. So I can just... and I tried that maybe for this entire hour I'll let's see, it'll stop, but it never stopped. And so maybe the question was, then I realized that is it basically my heartbeat which I'm feeling, a little bit shifted over on this side? And I'm just thinking that was there. And the third thing was, I also in the Shunyagar, I started calling it like Mooji's 20 questions. So I started asking myself those, and then when I do that, then obviously all movement and everything stops like this, and it's a thing that is no more there. There's just emptiness and space and everything becomes large and I'm like, 'There's nothing over there.' And obviously that feels to be there. Like, it's not a normal... every day when I'm talking to you, it's not there, but when I'm in the Shunyagar doing it, and then afterwards for the next two, three, four hours, there is like that thing which stays. And then now I know that it will stay, but in the next morning when I wake up, that thing is gone and normal things are happening.

So as of now, what I do is that when I sit to meditate, I just like... maybe I'll do that thing. So yeah, I just want to know, am I on the right sort of path? Because someone, one of Mooji's close students, I think they had said that this sensation that you're having in your chest or wherever, you can just keep observing it for ten thousand years and it will still be there, so don't pay a lot of attention to it. So yeah, sorry, I just... yeah, this is where I am right now. Thank you.

Thank you, and good to meet you like this. You're actually... nobody's ever on the wrong path, you see. We're all enjoying how this is unfolding, you see. And because consciousness plays in such a beautiful way that it seems to be not having fun in a redundant way, therefore it seems to play out uniquely for all its expressions. It's always fun to see how it is playing out in your case and how the Master's grace is touching your heart and how it is unfolding in your situation. It's beautiful to hear. So there is nothing, nothing at all to worry about you being on the wrong path.

The wrong path, you see, we're all enjoying how this is unfolding. And because consciousness plays in such a beautiful way that it seems to be not having fun in a redundant way, therefore it seems to play out uniquely for all its expressions. It's always fun to see how it is playing out in your case and how the Master's grace is touching your heart and how it is unfolding in your situation. It's beautiful to hear. So, there is nothing, nothing at all to worry about you being on the wrong track or path. It's all unfolding in pure, pure grace. So that is good.

I can point a bit to the sense of the supreme reality which already is, and then the path of the body-mind can of course continue in whichever way it would like. But you said a few things which I can help you with; together we can look a little bit. You said that there are times in which there is the play of the normal-seeming world happening, therefore all of these things are there, and then there are times where there's an experience of just like an empty space, and that can seem quite relaxing and beautiful. What we will recognize in this moment now is to see what witnesses either of those. Whatever attention may be bringing to us—whether it is a realm full of light and sound and all the possible aspects of the play, or where it seems to be a complete vacuum or dark empty space—what witness is that? And does that change along with the content of what is being perceived? Do you have a sense about that? Let me try to unmute you again.

Yeah, about that. So exactly, I could see that I was noticing this state and even that state there. The only thing that was in my mind was about attention. Like, you know, wherever I put my attention, I just didn't know who is controlling the attention inside me. Like, you know, this is the last place where I come to when I stop and I don't know the answer to it. Who controls the attention? If I take my attention wherever I take it, you know, if I do the Muji's way of putting attention to that, then that happens. If I put attention to something else, then that happens.

So let's look at this together, and don't worry about making—that's fine, keep yourself from unloading. So that which must be controlling it must be the one that is there. So only that which is must have the power, if at all, to control. Of course, these whole ideas of control and doing and happening are all human constructs; they're not really applicable to the Self. But let's start by looking at it that way. So, who is aware right now? Who's aware? Who's aware even of the movement of attention?

I can't put a name to it.

So are you confirming that it is not you?

Yeah, it is not my usual, you know, talking right now. I know how will I ask my question and not that person for sure.

Yeah, so then who is it? If it is not you, how does this information come to you then? Who is speaking to you, telling you that this perception is in front of your eyes, these sounds are being heard by your ears? Who's telling you?

You are just talking to my body, right? And this person is noticing that, you know, like, yeah, someone is talking and this ear is listening and things are happening.

So let me ask you the same question as the previous question now. Are you aware of the perception of this hand?

Yes.

That you which is aware of the perception, which one is that?

It is awareness itself. I think it is just aware.

And did you need a perception of that awareness to confirm it is awareness?

You can't perceive it.

Is it just a concept from your mind that you are stating?

No, not at all. No.

So this unperceivable reality which does not change no matter where attention may be, that is yourself. You cannot perceive it. You cannot find it in some Virat room or some Shunya. You cannot find it no matter how many thoughts you think. You cannot find it as a result of thoughts. It just is as this now. The other one which you think you are, which one is that?

That was a thought in that time, at that moment. So that is gone.

So that which comes and goes cannot be you. Now, from the perspective of this awareness, you see, make the awareness the protagonist of your narrative, the central character of your narrative, and yes, what can you see?

Yeah, from that perspective, I think like this question about when I will sit for meditation today during, say, the Krishna camp or otherwise, what will I be doing or if I am doing something correct or not—from that narrative, there is no question of correct or not correct. You know, whatever will happen will happen. And even my attention, I think, I mean, yeah, even the attention is sort of also happening on its own that way. Then that way, I think there is nothing to think about basically. Just sit and, or you know, don't even sit or whatever.

And when you say 'I', which one are you talking about? So incidentally, I am not trying to introduce a new perspective in a way, but it is only to cancel the whole perspective. But empty of any reference to an 'I', you are naturally the truth, I would say. But any reference that we can make to ourselves—and that reference could be to the highest or the lowest, it doesn't matter—it's still a reference. As long as there is a reference, there is a limitation. So this very moment, you are empty of all references and you're free. If I say 'what about that?', you will start to make a reference, you see. With thoughts, you give some belief or identity to the thought and you will take yourself to be something. And it is that taking yourself to be something which gets in the way.

Yeah, I think my worry was when someone said that, you know, you can just be perceiving this movement in whatever your body that is happening when you see a certain picture or whatever, you can just do that for ten thousand years and nothing will happen. And I think the meditator in me was like, 'Oh wait, am I then... this is certainly not a good thing that I waste ten thousand years doing nothing.' But yeah, if I don't identify with that person's fear of not being able to do anything, then there's nothing basically.

So all confusion, ultimately the conclusion about who we are, the mind will present the confusion in many different ways. But actually, the only clarity that is needed—and this too is not a conceptual clarity, it is just clarity of intuitive insight which very simply I pointed you to and you are able to confirm—I am this awareness. So as this awareness now, all of the narratives, they start to fall apart. Whether you have to look at it for ten minutes or ten thousand years, for the timeless awareness which is not caught up in any time, all these things are irrelevant. So don't bother with any of that. Don't bother with what is limited by time and space. And when I say don't bother, I'm not talking about the activity or inactivity of the body. I'm speaking of your inner attitude. Because as everything is moving in the waking state, the body will also move in the same intelligence. Some may come and say that was individually somebody's doing, but that is not it. It is part of the same momentum of the play of the Leela of the waking state. It will carry everything, including this body. Whatever needs to be done or whatever motionlessly there is, all of these conundrums or difficulties don't actually exist in your unborn reality. And whatever spiritual path you may be on, whatever spiritual movement you may be participating in, it is all pointing ultimately to the same reality of what you are.

Yeah, I heard you. It is the same thing what I'm talking about here. Yes, thank you so much.

Okay, let's go to Satyam. I haven't heard him in quite some time.

Hello Anantaji. Yeah, good to see you. I'm so glad to see you as well. It's always, some tears come when I look at you all. What's happening for me, to start with, I could say many, many things, but what is coming right now is in Monte Sahaja when I was there for four weeks, in one of the toilets there was written: 'There is no on and off switch for awareness.' Yes, and that stayed with me. And it says 'I Am' is awareness. So this is my first time where I'm using the word awareness. There's a sense that it's clouded sometimes, and there's an identification with the personal me. It doesn't matter what the story is, but the one which has the story, that's also seen of course. But and even identifying with the one is also seen. So everything is really seen, but the involvement and all the stuff... to stay in this purity, I really am thirsty for this.

I'm with you, I'm with you. Thank you, thank you. And the Master's grace, please complete care. And of course, I've seen you over the years and you don't have to be concerned. Even the idea of clouded, you see, let's try to become cloudy right now. Let's cloud it, let's cloud it. Let's see what we can bring. So as awareness, become a bit blurry. Can you do it?

Not really, no.

So no matter what appears in the play of the phenomenal realm, nothing can actually attack or even dent or scratch awareness in the minutest. So nothing in reality is ever going to go wrong. Nothing in reality is ever happening to you. So firstly, be completely reassured about that. Because even the idea that 'I want to just always stay in this and nothing should shake me' belongs to who, actually? It is not awareness. Awareness is free. You will find that that which you truly are is never threatened, never shaken by any of this. You need to first take a shape to be shaken up. Shake the space in the room—you can't. But you can pick up a glass or a table or something and shake it because it has a shape. So unless you take shape, you see... and that shape many times is the idea that 'I don't want to take shape.' That is also a shape. Many times for seekers, that can be the shape which becomes most attractive. 'I had a beautiful insight, an awakening experience where I saw there was no me, it was pure awareness, all was so clear. But what happens is this keeps pulling me back and I don't want to go back.' You see it? 'I don't want to go back.' But actually, even that narrative is not truly true because truly what you are is never pulled back.

Sometimes that experience can come with so much clarity and beauty that the mind says we must hang on to it like that. That's why every experience, even the experience of an awakening or clarity, has pros and cons. It's a double-edged sword. It gets so much insight, intuitive insight, it's so clear, and yet the mind can also latch on to that and say, 'But that was it, I need to be like that only all of the time.' So we are to enjoy the spiritual experiences just like prasad outside the temple, you see, but we must not clamor for them. We must not hanker after them and say it must always be like this. Because what happens is that in the garb of that spiritual experience, the mind is making you miss fresh God which is right here now. God is here in its full glory. It never diminishes. Your being right now is the presence of God itself, fully, fully full. Never less, never more, which is fully true. But that being itself plays as if it gets attached or individualized. But actually, for consciousness, it is just a play; it is never business. So the mind will present all these difficult scenarios and say 'I always want it like that,' but you are. You are already somehow.

But somehow in this lifetime, somehow my circumstances have been... after the seeing happened with Guruji, with Mooji Baba, and then I went through—I don't want to use the word heart attack because it gives a very big—let's say it's a pump attack I had, and they put a stent in the main artery. And so after that, in these last four years, there have been moments when there was feeling like an attack. So this body-mind system is really...

I see, but you are already somehow... but somehow in this lifetime, somehow my circumstances have been... after the seeing happened with Guruji, with Mooji Baba, and then I went through—I don't want to use the word heart attack because it gives a very big—let's say it's a pump attack I had. And they put a stent in the main artery. And so after that, in these last four years, there have been moments when there was a feeling like an attack. So this body-mind system is really challenged, a very strong challenge. At any moment now, you know, the switch will be off. And so I'm really faced with all this, especially with death. It has brought me very close to this thing of death, what exactly it is, and what does it... then all the stuff: who really goes and who leaves, and I will be still here, all this stuff. And as Mooji Baba says, and you have pointed on and on again, the attention is going to this crime scene all the time and the identification with it. And something can see it as well, but this thing of death is very strong for me with the heart attack. And I'm taking the medication, as you know, they give you medication constantly. And as you have reminded us again many times, who's beating the heart? I'm not doing it. So I can see that as well, but the fear which is there... so to go beyond this fear...

Firstly, I was not aware of this body condition and all my love, all my blessings are there with you. I'm completely certain Guruji's grace is taking care in whichever way his will wants to function, but his will is full of kindness, compassion, and consideration. So I'm sure that the best will help. Like everything I said, in the play of the world, there is an upside and a downside. So as you come to these experiences, it has brought you the fear of death, but death is also a beautiful contemplation. There are Indian scriptures like the Katha Upanishad which are based on the conversation with death itself. It is a beautiful conversation where a little boy, Nachiketa, says, 'Everything you take away, everything you take away'—he is talking to death—'Everything you take away, point me to that or show me that which is untouched even by you.' That is what the sages are doing. That is what the series is. Because like I played last week or the week before that, and he put it under me, he said, 'Everything here is going to throw you out. Everything that you get here will throw you out. Then what will you hold on to? Find that.' And that is what Guruji's grace is pointing us to in this beautiful way.

So in every moment where you are here, your being is here. Whose being is that? Who is here now? I said that the mind's primary job is to convince you that this being, this presence, belongs to a person. But it is just not true. This is just not true because the presence of your being is so unlimited, is so beyond anything like desire and aversion, is so beyond time and space, that it cannot belong to some made-up person. Now, this being is just the greatest gift, fresh God is ever available to us. And even one moment of its taste is the immortal nectar that we are all searching for. It is beyond death, it is beyond life. So this being is available to you. Don't let your mind convince you that it comes and goes or something. See, because when it tries to push this button, see if you can stop being. Don't be. You'll see that it just is. It's here.

Did you mute? One second. This pointer of yours, the first time I heard it, it really went in: that 'Can you stop being?' And of course, it's... and something is even aware of even this being. Something knows that you are being. You cannot even stop that. Insights are so clear somewhere, but this thing of death... and I can really see, my God, I said, now I know what this Maya is. It's so strong. This 'I am the body' idea, it gets so highlighted on the face of death that something really amplifies it a hundred times more. And that's really... something wants to stay here.

So I want to reassure you that as long as you, as consciousness, want to experience yourself in that aspect, you will continue to. Nobody is going to force death upon consciousness. All will move with the will of consciousness, which is what you are. So trust that. Every free experience and the absence of experience both happen only in the will of the supreme intelligence. So trust that. As long as it wants a taste of this body-mind, it wants to experience the waking realm through you guys, it will continue to keep it. And then when it doesn't want that anymore, it will pick up another set of clothes. It's not such a big deal for that consciousness. It's just like you can go from waking state to dream state to another dream to another dream to another dream, to back to this—apparently back to this, you can't confirm that anyway. So just like that, consciousness can play with this manifest realm in this way. All is your play. All this you are, this consciousness. So don't worry that you will be forced into an experience that you don't want.

Your presence, your words... I have no... 'thank you' is a very small word, but this gratitude is there for your presence and Mooji's experience. My heart, all my life. And by Guru's grace, we'll see each other as what the world calls in life also. Yeah, thank you so much.

Another beautiful thing about these experiences, which to the mind are very scary, is that it makes us very open. It makes us very open. So openness is the magic trick. When we open, all of the truth seeps through so easily. You see, when we are closed, when we are feeling like we know something, when we are arrogant, then it takes a long time to throw it and throw it and plot, then something seeps through. But sometimes when we are shaken up by life, it makes us very open. It's very beautiful and pristine and innocent. It's beautiful. So everything comes with its own blessings. This one gives... okay, let's go to Kesha.

Hello, Father. Can you hear me? Oh good, I have new headphones so I wasn't sure. I wanted to come up today to connect with you and there are two things I could go into. You know, the identification with work, because I'm starting work again and I've avoided that for a lot of my life. And now it's just happening. It's okay, whatever you want, I'll go with it, God, whatever you want. And so I'm working, I'll be a teacher for children with special needs and behaviors. And there was always kind of a fear that that work would take me out of truth or something like that. That's clear now, that's all clear. Well, yeah, mostly it's clear. Yeah, it's just a continuous like vigilance is all, like it's just a continuous reminder. So it's pretty clear.

I can give you a simple tip which will help you with being vigilant. Because what can happen many times is that the Papaji said, 'No, that vigilance till my dying breaths.' And that seems, when I first heard it, I got really scared, you know, because I felt like that's a lot of work. You see, I just have to be... is the mind coming at me? Am I being? It doesn't look like freedom at all, you see. And then as I contemplated this further and further and deeper, I realized that actually this vigilance is to not get into any sort of denial. You see, that much vigilance is enough. Which means that because life is so beautifully designed that anytime we pick up individuality, it is going to poke us. You see? Now, this much vigilance is enough: that we recognize the poke. That when it pokes us, we don't get into any sort of Advaita denial and say, 'It's okay, I'm the Self, nothing is happening to me,' this kind of stuff, and then add to that spiritual identity and specialness. Just do that. So to just see, okay, what is it that I'm believing about myself? What is it that I'm believing about myself which is getting poked, with buttons getting pushed right now? And to be open to that looking is more than vigilance enough.

Otherwise, what can happen is, especially for those who are having beautiful insights and awakenings, what can happen is that when life pokes us, we may still have some belief. And life pokes us and we say, 'No, no, no, I'm just the Self now, this stuff can't happen to me. I'm done with that. I don't want to take that exam again. I'm done with it. I passed with flying colors.' And so that much is enough. In our heart, we know when we are suffering, when we are getting poked, we know. So to allow that, to look at that and to pull out the thorn of some mistaken identity again and to throw it out, that much vigilance is more than enough. Otherwise, in our day-to-day life, we can continue to function naturally. I don't want you to go into your classroom talking to those young beautiful children and then every minute thinking, 'Am I getting identified? Am I getting identified?' It's just allowing of naturalness to unfold. And when we find that life still has the ability to press some button, then we just look at that and say, 'Okay, what is the identity that is being poked?' Then we allow that to reveal itself and we notice it. And in our noticing, it is cleaned up. It is cleaned up.

Yes. So, 'What is the identity that is being poked?' That's what you said is the question?

Yes, yes. When it pokes us. But not without poking. Not before. Once you become paranoid about this poking, you can get a bit paranoid about, 'Okay, now is this poking me or not?' Somebody says to us, or the bus driver is a bit rude, and actually nothing happened, we're not so upset. And actually, some natural emotion came and it just goes away. But we want to look at that and see...

No, that's actually funny because that actually happened to me. It's so funny I say that because I was on a bus and the bus driver snapped at me and was kind of cruel. And normally I would be really affected by it, but I just... I didn't react. I sat back down and I closed my eyes and I said, 'I give it to Guruji, whatever, I just give it to the Guru,' you know. And then five minutes later he apologized. So I wasn't expecting it, but that's it, that happened. So that's kind of funny. I haven't been on a bus for a long time.

So at work, just... I'm very happy firstly that these children will have you as a teacher and for you to guide them, our presence of Guruji into the classroom. So I'm very happy about that. And all concerns, all these things, I'm sure will go through very easily with his grace. And you said there were two things. What was the second one?

It was... the two things were: what do I want to focus on? Do I want to focus on work in the practicalities of life or go deeper and look with you at being?

And what would be the tool of focus? In the sense that suppose we say we focus on this, then what tool do we have to focus on that? What do you mean?

In the sense that... are we talking about our attention? I think then I have to not keep my attention on what is showing up. Oh, it's just a thought. Yeah, it was just a thought in the moment.

Yeah, because life is going to play out in any way and nothing in an appearance is better or worse than anything else. There is no intelligence more intelligent than life to give us exactly what is needed for us. The universe doesn't mess up the recipe of what it is cooking for us. So we don't have like a conceptual ability to determine what is better for us.

Oh yeah, right. That's right. Oh man. Oh, this is why I need you. Who said, 'I have been at home for a long time just focused on this self-inquiry and meditation and things, and now because there was some need for money and, you know, life needed... some responsibilities came and I needed some money, so I got this job and it's paying me well, but it's not giving me joy.' So I said, 'But when you said you want the job, you said you were doing it for money. I didn't hear the joy.' So what you can do is you bring the joy and the job will bring you the money. That's right. Yep, that's absolutely right. That came up. Don't expect the job... is it what you...

And meditation and things. And now, because there was some need for money and, you know, life needed—some responsibilities came and I needed some money, so I got this job. And it's paying me well, but it's not giving me joy. So I said, but when you said you want the job, you said you were doing it for money. I didn't hear the joy. So what you can do is you bring the joy and the job will bring you the money. That's right. Yep, that's absolutely right. That came up. Don't expect the job—is it what you already have in any case, given that you're in satsang? In fact, it may be your job to bring it to the job.

Exactly. Yes, yes, that's right. Very good. So when did we start? When does the job start? Technically, I'm starting to prepare my classroom now. Last week I was putting up a lot of different things and just words of encouragement on the wall and kind of just laying out the foundation of the classroom. Yeah, and there's going to be some—there's going to be some tough—see, I'm already projecting, but from what I've heard, there'll be some struggles with some children. So I'm just hoping that with the love that I've found for this job and for children, that that will just overpower anything that's happening. And that will continue to kind of run what I'm doing.

I have no doubt about that. Yes, full, full blessings for this. And may all those children who come into your presence, they all experience the Master's love, the Master's peace, the Master's blessings. All, all the greatest. Yes, yes. I love you so much. Good. Let's go to Jada, who has done my homework this time. I have a feeling she's done—

I missed what you said, Father. You said something.

But I said I have a feeling I've done my homework this time. Homework switched so much. One is transcription and another is to look. Which one? What are the two? Which are the two? Remind me.

Um, I don't know if I have two because it was last time's homework, so I'm not sure if it is still relevant. But the relevance of who you are is because every suffering, every confusion first has to start with a misunderstanding about who you are. So if you gain mastery over that and you see that I am just not this one which the mind has posed me as if I am, then that proves that you are a near object who can have these kind of situations and states. Actually, Father, I don't know if it is a result of my looking, but it seems like that. It seems like it's like the result of your grace. But yeah, I really feel and see this in my life. And even though some—yeah, there is really some vasanas which are coming, and when they come, even though this time it was just so obvious, you know, there is something completely untouched, but still they are just full force. And it was so beautiful to see the emptiness even though it is here, but its hereness also still just full force. Like something cannot figure out, you know, like what to do, because it's still here, it's still present. And yes, something still not so clear. Yes, there is emptiness, so yes, something says what to do now. And it's something like this. And again, your grace comes and washes away all these things. I don't know, for me it's always your grace work. So yeah. And the other thing also—so I'm just thinking if I should bring this or not. It's also related with my work. And I'm so happy actually, before me you have spoken with Cryesha about this a little bit. I'm working for almost three years for somewhere, and before I start also I was like, 'Me working? I will work?' I was like this. But of course it just flows. I don't know how, but I just started to work. And of course this thing always comes, like if it takes me out from this or not. But you see the ridiculousness of this. But there is a place for, you know, like the body integration, because you are just so relaxed in this presence and nothing, and then you are in this—there is a need for body to integrate itself because for me it works like this. I don't know, I want to say this and it creates confusion, like when your body is not so relaxed, it's like which ideas—

Okay, wait. The universe is your body. How will you integrate it? It's pre-integrated. It came integrated. Yeah, we must not fall into this trap of the concept of embodiment, you see, because one body can never be a true representative of the truth that you are discovering. The universe is your embodiment. It cannot be that we go away from the identification as the body, come to the recognition of our being, and in that recognition of our being there is full acceptance of the universal body as the manifest. You see, what is the body for God? The body for God is that which manifests. You see, what is beyond the body of God is that which is the unmanifest. You see? So, but why a special emphasis on one particular body when you discover that you are the light in which this entire universe comes and goes?

Actually, after the work, another experience to make a reason to still be attached to ourselves as if we are a body.

May you please repeat? Father, I mean, it's just another way for the mind to play and bring back attachment to one particular body as me, you see. And also I'll tell you something else. Actually, the body is so innocent that it is never not integrated. It is always moving and dancing to the will of God itself. It is only our mind which is the resistance. It is never a body which is a problem.

Yes, yes, I had those confusions, Father, and after work they all cleared up as you said. I don't know, because I hear Kyle also start, I just wanted to say these things like nothing matters at all. So I just wanted to say that. And you said the universe is your body and in my universal body all is good, all is grace.

All is good in the universal body. Yes, it is in this, Father, and I really feel like this. And not just feeling, it is so, and it always proves. And I don't know what to say more. Yes, still I just wanted to offer this to you because, Father, still some doubts come, you know, like maybe there is something, maybe there is something this one has to—which one? The universe? Either take the whole universe to be the body—does he? Either take the whole universe to be the body or take the body to be space, because even the scientists will tell you it is 99.9999% space. So either take the body that you take to be yourself to be space, or take the whole universe to be your one.

Father, you don't allow me to speak anymore.

The intention is just to not allow you to misidentify with just another tiny aspect of the appearance and limit yourself just to that. Which problems can we solve for this body? This body is ephemeral; it's coming and going. You go to sleep tonight, we don't know which body you will experience next. We may call that a dream, but can we really be certain? Maybe this is the dream.

Like, I don't concern about myself anymore, let's put it in that way, you know, because really it has proven to me everything is in your hands. And really, just especially recently, you just showed me that how you eat me up. So everything is just happening in you, just like you have holds, every catch, you know. It's really like my complete experience. And after this, I think I cannot speak more better. This is a very beautiful report, but don't spoil it now by believing a 'but' or 'still something which appears disappears'. So yeah, I cannot bring this because I couldn't find any importance now for this. Yeah, what to say? Yeah, Father, just thank you for really eating me up and holding every corner. Just if there is any corner which has not been held, just I'm really just completely yours. Just thank you for this and everything. But one more thing, like Steve Jobs, you know—okay, forget that reference. Okay, like we have this intense looking together recently and I don't know, it just opened itself continuously and I'm just not bathing in it as if I'm just merged in it. I don't know, I cannot say anything about myself in this, but just you, you, you. Anyway, some intimate connection I have with someone and I don't know, I'm a little bit spectacular about this. Like after this intense looking with you, why it has come up? For four years I didn't have any and I didn't have any inclination, but after I'm just so intense with you, it seems so natural and organic. But again, I just wanted to offer this to you and bring this to you. If it is some kind of distraction, I of course I don't want it. I just don't want to be distracted at all, even though something wants to go with it. But anyway, I just want to offer this.

So follow your entity, follow your intuition. And it is common many times that distractions come, but I don't want to say that every relationship that is coming up while you're in satsang is a distraction. Some can be very auspicious also. So just trust your heart, follow your heart. And I'm yours, not coming and going, I'm just yours. So thank you. And good. Let's go to—I can go. You can hear me okay with this?

It's uh, yeah, it's really managed. It's not so good, but a little bit it's fine. Don't worry though. I can unplug it if you can't hear me. Let's try. Is this better?

It is a bit, yeah. Yeah, you can hear me well. I can hear you, yes. It's the first time I'm using this computer for satsang. So now, well, that's fine. I don't know if I have something to say, just wanted to share a moment with you. How's everything been?

Yes, yes, yes. Feeling your grace, your presence. And I'm with sangha now, so this is a blessed time. We're up in the mountains with sangha waiting for more sangha to come and to do the retreat next week from here. Very nice. Yes, and just feeling always very much to sit with you and just a little bit of a longing to be in your physical presence.

Grace will allow that soon. I hear you loud and clear. In your silence, I hear you. Sometimes our heart is so full that I understand that very well. It's always very, very, very beautiful to sit with you. Very good. Thank you. Full blessings. Thank you. I will send love. Thank you. Let's go to—let me go to Daniel and Rashmi. Rashmi, oh my loves. Hello.

Pranam, Father. I don't have so much to say. I just wanted to take the opportunity to say hello and meet you in this way. And maybe take an opportunity to look with you if we may.

Of course, of course. That's the main—everything else is just the bells and whistles around satsang. The main part of satsang is this just looking deeply together. And I'm happy to guide. I've seen you now for a few weeks. Anything which is—any of the pointings which has touched you and you feel resonates with you, we can start with that one.

I think the one that immediately comes to mind is actually—the first time I was introduced to you was through one of your books, but it was the pointing of 'try not to be' and that really struck me and really seemed to reveal the sense of being very easily.

That's very good already. That's very good. So this being, it's palpable right now. It's palpable to you. It's very good. There's not much to help with actually, because in the palpability of it, you're confirming also that you are in fact aware even of this, isn't it? Do you feel like in your case there is oscillation happening, or you feel like it's clear? Sometimes it's blurry or it's mostly shanti, shanti?

I would say quite a lot of oscillation, especially recently. And then in this case, it seems oftentimes my oscillations will be for longer periods of time where I'll feel very even established as awareness, and then all of a sudden things will just be a mess and I can't find any space, or just a lot of attachment with the person and belief in the thoughts. And so yeah, quite a bit of oscillation I would say.

But you are able to recognize that nothing in reality is changing even through those apparent oscillations, you see? But it feels like it's real, it's really something that happens to you. I would say a bit of both.

There are periods of time where I'll feel very even, established as awareness, and then all of a sudden things will just be a mess and I can't find any space. Or just a lot of attachment with the person and belief in the thoughts. And so, yeah, quite a bit of oscillation, I would say.

But you are able to recognize that nothing in reality is changing even through those apparent oscillations, you see?

But it feels like it's real. It's really something that happens to you. I would say a bit of both. And maybe this is a good question as well: it's very apparent that the awareness doesn't change, but then of course these times come where I'm identified with the person so much, or what's going on. And so, of course, it seems to fade into the background or not be as strong, or however words can put it. But yet I know, at least intellectually, that it's always there and it's not changing.

Is there a sense—and just try to answer from your heart—is there a sense that there's like a 'me' now who's struggling either to hold on tightly to awareness or then start suffering when identified as a body-mind? Is there one who's trying to straddle both the worlds, so to speak?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. And if you leave that 'me' just as it is, because that 'me' is actually the most amplified spiritual seeker who seems like it is our best friend, but actually can cause a lot of trouble because it has all the spiritual knowledge. It has all the pointers available like a dictionary of pointers. It has all of those guidebooks there, but it is still a limited representation of what we are. So then what happens is just like a very exciting tennis match. Then you can feel like, 'Okay, sometimes I'm just this, sometimes I go back into this personhood.' And actually, I'm just giving myself a pain in the neck between these two. So step out of that position of trying to manage this or straddle this. It's not something that you can actually do.

All that you can do moment to moment is, if you find yourself caught up in some belief system, just return back to your heart. Return back to your emptiness without any sense of judgment or conclusion. Sometimes things are playing out and some emotions are strong, thoughts are big, you see? It seems like this is like this. What can we do? We can just notice and not judge. You notice and don't conclude. Because if you notice and conclude that 'this happens to me,' that conclusion then becomes part and parcel of the spiritual seeker identity.

So as you notice it, it can seem like a non-instruction instruction, but it's a bit subtle. So when we notice that we are caught up in this—when we don't notice and we are in the midst of it—that is that anyway. Like, there's nothing to do there, you see? So it's just like, 'Tomorrow will be a better day.' Just write off that. It's fine, forget about it. But if you add it to your report card and say, 'See, now in yesterday, fifteen minutes I was pure awareness, then twenty minutes I played a manager at work, then partners with my relationship,' you see, then we have this kind of mental reporting system. They're not actually helping you because the nature of the mind is it will grasp the negative. It will not tell you that most of the day yesterday you were completely open and empty. It will bring out those things where it seems like, 'Oh see, you're still not good enough, you're not worthy enough, you're not doing it well enough.' All of these jackets.

So just anything that tries to present itself as part of the narrative, just discard that. Just discount them. You don't know what your state is. You don't know how well or badly you're doing. All that is apparent to you now is that your being is here, and your being is no mere entity. It is the greatest force in this universe. Therefore, it doesn't matter what the past was like, what happened yesterday; none of that actually mattered. So in the moments that you notice, allow yourself to fall into your heart and don't make any conclusions. Remain in the unknown. And in the moments where you don't notice and you're playing out, it's fine. It happens. Don't worry. Don't put it in your report card. Don't make it like something that you have to fix.

Someone says, 'How is it?' I don't know, actually. I don't know. 'Are you being free?' I don't know what that is. 'Are you being caught up in your mind?' Not at the moment. 'What at the moment?' then becomes a lot simpler. Because if you try to fix it for a series of moments, you see, that can never happen. It can only be for right now. We can only be for right now. Does that seem too far out an instruction?

Not at all, no.

That is the beauty of it. Satguru's grace is all there is. Everything that happens is Satguru's grace. But the body-mind is meant to have full identification, fully empty, you see? Oh, Satguru's grace is not how many moments of oscillation can you remember in this moment? Almost none. But I can then start to try to count. I can go back maximum one hundred, okay, if you have a really good way with these things and you have a very strong report card, you see? One hundred. But how many moments were there last week? Millions. Millions. So even one hundred doesn't mean anything in the immensity of your experience.

So don't allow your mind to become conclusive about your state. Actually, your mind can never really report on your state. Then you break this idea of progress and regress, and therefore the idea of oscillation. And of course, in the human existence, some moments of identification will happen. They happen for what we call the Avatars, the sages, for everyone they happen. But when they're over, the sage is not maintaining a pocketbook saying, 'On this day at this time, you see, I was identified for three seconds.' All that is not so important. Just in this moment, you can taste the vastness of your being, isn't it? And you can notice that you are aware even of that undivided reality. So one moment of that insight is worth a million lifetimes of identification. So you don't have to be concerned at all. I feel in my heart you're doing really well, both of you. I can see the resonance, even though Lakshmi is not saying anything, I can see that the words are resonating. And I'm happy to hear what you have to say every fortnight or so.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, let's go to Gemma.

Oh my god. It seems very hard, this satsang, for me. As a nice one, no, nice, nice. Now it's been very nice, but very hard also because I have in this anxiety and kind of fear, anxiety mix. And I was looking for what you said about looking at these sensations or emotions and then see if awareness has any change. Yeah, it's very good, but I cannot reach to see if awareness has any change.

It's okay. I can help you a bit with this. I'm happy that you tried, you looked, and you contemplated. And in your attempt, there is no such thing as succeeding or failing. It's fine. It's fine. Just the looking is what is important. So let's see if we can do some of it together now. So you notice that you are aware, isn't it? That was your starting point.

Yes.

So that awareness, although it is not a perception, it must be apparent to you to be able to confirm this. At least yes?

So we say that. So if I ask you, 'Are you aware?' what do you say? I'm very confused because I'm aware means that my eyes see, my ears listen, and my body feels. Yes. So I can say this is 'I' and I'm aware. But it's if this body is not here, am I aware?

Yes, we can start with this. It's very good. So you say that, 'I'm aware of sight, and what I call sight is what my eyes see. I am aware of hearing, and what I am aware of is what my ears hear,' isn't it? Now close your eyes. Close your eyes and bring your attention to the image of a tree. Yes? You see? Now, which eyes are seeing that?

I don't know.

You see? So it is not just the physical eyes that can see, because your eyes are closed and yet you're able to what we call visualize or imagine a tree. So the perception of sight is possible even without the functioning of these eyes. And you are aware of that perception of sight. Now, if I say in the same way, hear the tune of your favorite song. You can hear that as well, see? So here it can be independent of the sound waves that these ears may be hearing apparently. And yet that awareness remains the same. Whether what is being perceived as sight, sound, taste, touch—is it any of these senses? Does the awareness also become sight or hearing? Or does it remain the same? Like, is there a different awareness when there is sight being perceived, and there is a different awareness when there is hearing being perceived or a smell being perceived? Does it also change its color or flavor in some way when the modes of perception change? Do you change when you're being awareness?

See, again, I don't see awareness.

Yes, yes. And yet, are you aware or no? In the sense I told you?

Yes.

Yes. So how do you recognize that awareness which, you're right, you cannot see? Nobody can perceive it. Nobody can perceive it. And yet we can confirm. See, that is the beauty of intuitive insight: that it is not based on any perception. It is independent of that.

I don't know.

So even if you would say, 'I'm not aware,' what you would be saying is that 'I am aware that I am not aware.' When you say, 'I don't know,' are you aware that you don't know? It is inescapable, you see? Even if your mind wants to resist it with all its might, the minute you say, 'I am confirming that I don't know,' what you are actually confirming is that you are aware that in your mind you don't have the right answer for this. Without being aware, you could not confirm that. Okay? So what I notice is happening is that you're trying to understand, you see? Don't try to understand. Allow my words to just work on their own and don't be under too much pressure that it has to work now or something has to happen. Just loosen it as much as you can.

There's one discomfort I want to say. I get very confused this week because living in silence, and you said thoughts, but not thoughts that come like anything, myself thinking. And then I—what do you mean by myself? It's like if I'm talking, it's the same as if I'm thinking. When you say they're not just arising, it is like I'm doing it. Yes, it's like I'm thinking, I'm thinking. And that voice, and it's only in this part of the head that I listen. I don't know. And then, but doing it that way, then you would already know what your next thought is going to be.

No, no. Then if you don't know what your next thought is going to be, then we have to say that it is just arising.

No, no, no, no. I mean, if it thinks, if this is thoughts that arise like, I don't know, and it comes and I see, so you know, maybe I follow or I can't follow because it goes or whatever. But if I'm thinking that I'm talking, but instead of speaking aloud that I can listen to me, I'm saying the same, I'm doing the same in the—well, I say the head because it's like in the part that it seems, in the head. So I'm like speaking that without talking, and then I get confused. But I say all this is mind, and then I am mind when I'm talking also because I sustain.

Yeah, yeah. Actually, very good things. Both the speaking and the thinking are just appearances within consciousness, you see? And both are happening just on their own in the light of consciousness itself. So the idea that there's a different sort of doership when speaking is happening and a different sort of doership when thinking is happening—both, consciousness is the doer, the agent. Or the individual who can speak or think, we cannot find that one.

So how do you differentiate from coming from consciousness and the thoughts that do anything from consciousness?

There's no thoughts that are coming from any other source. There's no speak or there's no thought that comes from any other source. Everything is coming from consciousness. So mind is consciousness.

So what is mind making me crazy?

Everything is consciousness, and within consciousness there is an aspect called the mind. Now, what is that?

I think we cannot find that one. So, how do you differentiate from coming from consciousness and the thoughts that do anything from consciousness? There's no thoughts that's coming from any other source. Just everything is coming from consciousness. So mind is consciousness. So what is mind making me crazy?

So everything is consciousness, and within consciousness there is an aspect called the mind. Now, what is that aspect of the mind? The voice which tells you that you are limited is the mind. There's another voice which is the voice of intuition, you see, which is also consciousness, which reminds you that you are not limited, that you are consciousness itself, you see. So the voice which proposes your smallness is the mind. The voice which proposes your heart's voice, which proposes your immensity, your unlimitedness, is your intuition. So you can easily differentiate that. That's one tip.

There are some other tips also I've given in the past where when the voice is accompanied by this need or want or grasping, then that is the mind, you see. It could be saying the sweetest things, but it wants something. You know, you can smell it. And then there's another voice which is not in a rush, doesn't want anything, it has no desire. It is just speaking because it is reminding you. It's like an alarm clock reminding you of your reality. Whether you wake up or not, it's not concerned about that.

Okay. I'm a little bit desperate. I'm very, very desperate because I'm very, very, very tired. Yes, very tired, very tired. And being alone in a flat now that I know, not socializing too much and this, and following satsangs and this. Sometimes because I have many experiences in the bipolar, whatever it's called, many, many, I don't know, paranoid. So, but many experiences of seeing things or the same things that are not there or whatever. And now I have enough from sixteen years of this, and I don't want to... because when this happened, consciousness must be there, but it's like it's not there. I don't even remember many things. I even lost the days without knowing that I am here. And I have to... I think I'm not sure if I had a real experience of myself yet, and I need it. I need it because I don't want this craziness around anymore.

So, in feeling that I'm here for nothing, because I'm here from the bed, the sofa, and what am I doing here? So I'm not scared about that because I prefer to be now... it's like being dead. It's like, so if we are confirming a form, yes, that I said that it's for them to realize the Self, okay. But this person, this body-mind—I don't even want to say this person, but this body-mind—that is at least from my point of view still here alive, must... I pray to God, please do something with this body-mind, because to be lying in the sofa is better just kill this body. For what is here, this body-mind? So I need an acceleration of the process, whatever. I don't know how to pray, to what to pray, and to... I don't know. It's like, please, can I accelerate the process? Because I feel this fear and this anxiety because maybe I don't want... I'm still... there's this attachment of the memories of all these past years with hospitalization, celebrations, all these things, and I don't want to go through this more. And if I don't have a true experience, who is going to believe in what, you know? I don't like... I cannot believe in anything.

I completely understand your frustration, and I can imagine that the amount of desperateness that you may feel at this point must be so strong to get this. And I'm completely here to try and help you in this situation. So if you want, can we do some looking together? And then we can see, okay, this is the kind of looking which resonates in my heart and it makes some openness appear, and this thing doesn't work, so we can keep that aside. So I can ask you a few questions and you can answer from your heart whatever you feel is true and say, okay, now this seems to help me when I look in this way. And if this doesn't help me when I look in this way, I just become mental about it, it seems to be more frustrating. So are you open to something like this?

Yes.

Okay. So when I say to you, are you aware now, is that a frustrating question or does it lead to some insight?

Well, it's what I told you. It's more like unconscious of, I don't know, like...

Although you understand that you are awareness, you still carry the identification of being the body-mind along with them. Is that what it feels like? So when you recognize that you are awareness, does it also feel like you are awareness, yes, but also you are the body-mind as well? So the identification with the body-mind is also there, but you can see that you are awareness, but it doesn't help the body-mind, or what you are experiencing as a body-mind. Is that your experience? Or can you see that, yes, I am this awareness and the play of the body-mind is happening on its own and it doesn't really affect myself, which is awareness itself? What is your true feeling about this contemplation? Because if it's not working, we can go to some other place and talk about something.

I think, I think there's no... I think I take the body-mind attached to awareness.

Nice. Okay. Okay. So let's keep that one aside. Let me ask you the next one and see if that seems to help more. When I ask whether you can stop being, what is your experience with that question? Try to stop being, and then what happens?

Okay, my mind is cutting the head, threw it away, and then I stop being.

Your mind cuts your head?

Yes.

Like, what happens? Tell me more what happens then. You say when you try to stop...

My mind is saying if I cut my head and I threw it away, I stop being.

Yes. But when I'm saying, okay, don't speculate about what is going to happen, and what if all those scenarios of the intellect, keep them aside and just right now try to stop being. Don't be. Don't imagine what it is like to not be. Just try right now. Don't be. Then what is it like?

Oh, I feel it doesn't help, doesn't work.

So then if I was to say now, just remain as the witness to everything that comes and goes. Everything that is coming and going, you remain as a witness to that. Whatever sensation, whatever perception there may be, just witness it. If you try to do that, what happens?

This is the thing that confused me because like I have a thought that says... the thought says, I put the attention in all my different parts of the body because I cross the eyes, so the other things I am not seeing now and I forget what we allow it to come and go. We just remain as a witness. Then what is your experience with that?

I don't know. Does it feel at home or does it feel a bit difficult and strange? Just be honest with me. It's okay.

I don't know what is feel at home. I don't know if this means that you see it from here.

No, it just feels comfortable. If I say remain as a witness, it doesn't feel like it's too much hard work or too much mental work. Does it feel like a pain to do it, or does it feel it's okay, it's natural? If you feel naturally, we can stop over there. Wherever it feels most natural, we can stop there. If this doesn't feel natural, I can suggest something else. Don't worry.

Okay, let me try the next and you can pick between the two what feels more easy, what feels more comfortable. The next one is just remain with the sound of your breaths. You know what I'm saying? Just remain with the sound of your breaths. You can hear the incoming breaths and you can hear the outgoing breaths.

This is better.

This is better? Yes. So I would suggest that as much time as you can, you feel natural and comfortable with this, and with no forcing. Just naturally, whether it's ten, fifteen, twenty minutes, one hour, whatever you feel, just spend some time just hearing the sound of your breath. And you come back next time and you report about whether that leads to some openness, some spaciousness in your being, or are you still feeling the same frustration about these words of this concept of the spaciousness that I envision a lot, of course.

And I don't... I...

So don't worry about even that. Don't worry about even that. Just remain with the sound of your breath and then come and report what your experience was. Don't worry about spaciousness. Let's see. Let's see how that goes. All my love, all my blessings always. Let's go to Beatrice. I haven't seen her in a while. Can I unmute, my dear? Let me try again. Now, there you go. Do you... don't hear you. Just unplug your headset. Just see if your audio settings are correct. Something we heard just for a moment, something came. Say now, say something. No. Ah, something. Yeah, it's working. Whatever you're doing. What did you do? Yeah, let me hear you a bit. It's a bit mild, but try that. Is it loose? Something is loose. Then can you hear me?

Yes, yes, yes, a little bit. So I just want to expose this one. Yes. I see more and more the anxiety thoughts, like his identification with this person and all this. So I want to offer to you and expose it or something to...

Is there a set of thoughts about a particular topic that you end up believing to be your story, or just thoughts of hearing and discipline? Do you take them to be your story with those thoughts? So what is the topic of this story that you believe? Because you can't believe every story.

I don't know, the story of the person and...

Yeah, but what about? Must be something about the person. Which thought gets you often? Which gets me... yes, gets your belief, gets your identification often?

And I thought that they speaking first person like, 'I am,' 'I want this idea,' 'I whatever.'

But 'I whatever'—it could be 'I want to climb a mountain.' Can you repeat, please? But 'I' followed with anything you believe? What if the thought says, 'I want to ride a unicorn' or 'climb a mountain'? You still believe it?

No, there is a limitation of belief or something.

Exactly. So those thoughts we end up believing, like a little child may believe those, but we may not believe them because our conditioning is different, you see. We have nurtured a different sort of conditioning in the past. So then these thoughts may seem too different. What are the kind of thoughts? Is it spiritual seeker? Is it partner thoughts? Is it health of the body thoughts? Is it other relationship thoughts? Which are the thoughts which have the most power over you?

Can't be heavy only 'I want,' I don't know. You mean the thoughts that I have most, the identification?

Yes, yes. The topic with which you have the most identification.

I don't know what to say. What did you suffer from last, Bella? Relationship thoughts. Yeah, yes.

You see. So find out who is in the relationship. Who have this relationship?

Sorry, but no person exists.

Yeah, it is... I care is this. So the idea that a relationship means that there are two people and then one has to be like this, the other person has to be like that, is all the delusion of this body-mind identification about the topic of relationships, isn't it?

Yes.

Now, what problem does consciousness have in the relationship? What trouble?

Yes, yes. This is this person that had trouble or something.

So there is no person. Forget the person. There is no person. Okay? Now, who has trouble? There is no trouble. Not... it's true like that is not just lip service. Is helpful?

Yes.

Now speak as consciousness.

And what I have to say as consciousness?

That you will know as God. I cannot tell you. What trouble do you have in your life, God? What do you want to expose? You said you wanted to explore something, expose this, because in the dream there is maybe a process of behavior or something.

God got stuck in a dream? What happened?

And I don't know what.

So the only problem is a misidentification or a confusion about who you are.

Yeah, but that problem cannot support this moment.

Can we... you say it can be solved this moment? It is always solved. Yeah, because he...

God, I cannot tell you what trouble do you have in your life. God, what do you want to expose? You said you wanted to explore something. Expose this because in the dream there is maybe a process of behavior or something. God got stuck in a dream. What happened? And I don't know what.

So the only problem is a misidentification or a confusion about who you are. Yeah, but that problem cannot support this moment. Can we? You say it can be solved this moment. It is always solved, yeah, because he doesn't exist exactly.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm going to run again because last time also I remember. Actually, my son is back to his college in America tomorrow, so they want to go out for a family dinner together now. So I'm going to end it here for today. She's here and we exactly have her presence.

Thank you all so much for being in satsang today.