As Soon as You Recognize You’ve Gone the Wrong Way, Run Home - 12th January 2024

Five.

Five. You see? So you notice what happened in the process. How did that answer come?

Memory. Memory, and I checked. I looked, yeah.

So there was a perception. There was a perception and then that perception was checked against some record, memory record, saying, 'Okay, this looks like five.' Now, whether you find the presence of a being within yourself, what would your answer be? First, if you don't use the question 'Can you stop being?' but if you ask a positive question saying, 'Can you experience the presence of being within yourself?' then what is your answer?

Yes.

Yes. So tell me more about this being. And don't be under any pressure that you're on the hot seat, so to speak, and everybody's watching. Don't worry about any of that.

It is a... there is a process, an intellectual process. Like, I know it's not thought, I know it's not feeling, but something's there. But it's something... there is something there.

And where would you say it is?

It's diffuse, but it's in the heart area, the physical heart area.

Yes, very good, very good. So that's where it most commonly appears as if it resides. It can seem like it is in the physical heart, but actually even in your noticing, you will notice that actually it does not belong to the body as the other organs of the body do. It's like a feelingless feeling, isn't it? It's like subtler than the feelings that we experience. So when I say to you, 'Try to not be,' does this presence come into focus?

Yes, it sort of pulsates or hums a little, but not... but there's a something like that, a vibration. Yes, but not... but it's not physical.

Very good, very good, very good. Now everything that we can say about its location, about the vibrational quality of it, is the manifest aspect of this being. But if I was to ask you to find the boundary of this being, then what would you say about that?

I can't see a horizon.

Yes, but if I was to force you and say, 'Does it have a boundary or doesn't it?' what would you say?

No.

No. So this is the strangeness of this meeting of the presence within, that although at some level we can localize it and say 'I feel it in my heart,' you see, it's like a very primal, primordial vibration, and yet at the same time most of us will say that it has no boundary. Now, is there anything else in our experience which is like that, which is both localizable—that we can say it's here, I experience it like this—and also that it is beyond my senses, it is boundless?

Love.

Yes, yes, very good, very good. So love is one of the primal experiences, sensations, parts of this being itself. You're very beautifully correct that love is possibly that which comes so close to our experience of this presence, of this being, of this Atma. So that which is boundless, whose must it be? And we don't have to infer it, but what does our heart say? That which is without a boundary must be whose presence is it?

Mine.

Yes, it is yours. But your... in what way is it Aital? The body? The mind? No. Without... no identity. No identity. And without identity, the presence, your presence, is God's presence. You see, there is no difference between Atma and Paramatma, which means that my presence is actually God's presence. And that which I take myself to be, that is the ignorance, that is the avidya that we are trying to free ourself from. So this presence... and it is for this when it is said that 'I went looking for myself and I found God' or 'I went looking for God and I found myself.' So this presence, 'I Am.' God said, 'I Am that I Am.' So this I Am-ness can say is my presence, but 'my' before identity, and God's presence, because only God is boundless.

But I answer these questions tentatively, like, am I really... am I really honestly, truly answering, or have I heard the right answer so many times? Do I just... it's almost like it's too good to be true. And is it... am I really saying this?

So let's really... I don't get any attempt to be disingenuous in your attempt, but let's go really slowly and tell me at which point you could be just making something up. There is a presence. Yes. Could you be making this up?

Maybe. I don't know. I don't trust myself.

Yes, yes, yes. So, how many fingers? Five. Could you be making that up? Is it like that you think, in the sense that could you be making that up? At some level all of it could be all made up. Is that how you're saying? Or... okay, so that is good enough. So if you're answering with integrity, just like you said 'five,' you are saying in the same way for 'there is a presence there,' then we are all right. It doesn't have to be more difficult than that. Maybe the trouble is also that it's actually so natural, it's so simple. So let's look again. Is there a presence that you can confirm within yourself?

Yes.

Yes, you can. And its phenomenal aspect of it, can you feel it in your heart?

Yes.

Very good. The fact that you cannot find a boundary of this being, although its experience, the core of its experience, is in the heart, the fact is that you cannot find its boundary, isn't it?

Yes.

Yes. And if you allow just intuitively your answer to come and I was to say, 'Does this being, does this presence have a boundary or not?' your answer is?

No boundary.

No boundary. Could you be faking this? Is the answer coming from a learned response from memory, or is it fresh and alive?

It's fresh and alive, and yet it scares me to say that.

It scares you? Yes. Some amount of fear, some amount of awe actually is very natural when we face this, when we come to terms with the reality within ourselves, you see. So don't fear the fear. Allow it to pass through you. Don't worry, don't worry. I'm with you here, walking through this together, and nothing, nothing will happen. Don't worry. So this boundlessness, who is aware of that?

Itself.

Itself. And that itself, how do you come to know what it is aware of?

Because it's here, so it must be me.

Yes. And if I told you that it's not you, it's somebody else and you're just receiving this information secondhand, would you buy it, even from my mouth?

Not really, no.

You would not buy it, you see. So even the highest authority may come to you and you would not be able to buy this because it is so obvious that that which is aware itself is my reality. It is I which is aware. So you're discovering the presence of the Atma, the Holy Spirit within, God's presence, the Satguru presence within, the Atma within. And also you are recognizing that you, your reality, the Absolute, is witnessing even this presence. Now, if you try to convince or get a certificate or verification from your mind about it, what do you feel it is going to say?

A mind will tell many things.

Yeah, either it'll doubt you, or even if you get a confirmation or certification from the mind today, tomorrow it will say you lost it, you see. So best not to worry about the ramblings of the mind. Now you found for yourself a beautiful lifeline on the basis of which you can now lead your entire life. You can hold on to this presence with all your might. You can love it, you can pray to it, you can hand over all your problems, surrender to it. Especially when the mind comes and doubts it, you must return to this refuge because this is the light of God, this is the presence of God. And it is only by His Grace that we can come to that. So we must always be thankful and grateful that we can come to this light, to this presence, and we must never make it about 'I have done it' or 'I did something.' It's nothing really that we have done. It is just His Grace that has made His light available to us. Yeah. So as you learn to just be with this, rest in this presence, then all the doubts of the mind will start to thin away. And it will try to play like guerrilla warfare with you where things are happening on the outside, then it'll try to use those opportunities to say that you lost it. So what we must do in those moments is just return to our heart where His presence is apparent to us. Do you feel that living here in the heart seems natural, or do you feel like... what is your feeling about it?

Yes, it's an oasis.

Very good, very good, very good. It's a replenishment.

Yes, exactly, exactly.

It is a refuge, it is replenishment, it is guidance, it is love, it is peace, it is the end of the striving. It is a resting place for us.

So I have to be faithful to it.

We have to be. All of us have to be. I have to be as well. Because faith implies that we must trust this heart inside that we are getting in this moment, higher than what is visible to us in this world, you see. That is literally faith. Because this world of appearances will tempt us, you see. When the mind gives us a narrative about it, then we are tempted by the narrative and the play of this world, and that seems real. And when that seems real, then this is lost. Not really lost, but it seems as if it is lost. And that seeming of the truth, which is the most natural, most original, being lost—that seeming is to be lost in Maya, lost in the unreal, see. And all of us can report this, that although intellectually we know that the truth never comes and goes, but when we are lost in the narrative, in the story, in the 'me,' then this seems to be diminished. It doesn't seem to be reality, it seems to be distant, see. So faith is needed so that we keep valuing this, honoring this. That's why I call it the heart temple. We remain in the heart temple more than giving value to anything else which may be appearing in front of us.

And I watch too many YouTubes.

You can stay in the heart. Stay in the heart and allow that to unfold. Don't have to worry. Do you feel like as you watch them, do you feel that you're engaging in mental things or does it... I don't know what kind of YouTubes, and I'm a bit scared to ask, but...

No, sometimes I just feel I'm wasting time and I should be sitting instead.

Yeah, just a diversion. Yes, if you notice that and it's truly something which distracts you, which means that takes you away from your...

I watch too many YouTubes. You can stay in the heart. Stay in the heart and allow that to unfold. Don't have to worry. You feel like when as you watch them, do you feel that you're engaging in mental things or does it... I don't know what kind of YouTubes, and I'm a bit scared to ask, but no...

Sometimes I just feel I'm wasting time and I should be sitting instead.

Yeah, just a diversion. Yes, if you notice that and it's truly something which distracts you—which means that takes you away from your resting place in your heart, from your heart Temple, and makes you worldly and taking this to be real—then we must try to remain in the heart and allow all actions, everything, to unfold from there. See, and we can never predict what will unfold from there. You may watch more YouTubes; not that I'm suggesting it or blessing it, but who can predict the will of God? So just try this: just remain as I've showed you here and life will unfold in various things as it is. All this movie is being watched. So if you watch a movie within the movie, it's still just a movie, isn't it? So just allow all actions, everything, to flow from His will. And that needs faith as well, you see, because many times it seems like a conflict between what the mind wants us to do, it is tempting us to do, and not so much about the YouTube but worldly situations. I have to book my tickets, somebody's unwell, should I go, should I not go? Lot of these challenges come, you see. But what is good is only what emerges from His light, from His guidance. So we must unfold, allow it to unfold from there. Remember that the mind will always rush you, but the heart will always be patient and guide you patiently. So if you find yourself rushing, know that you've got caught in the head and you must return to the heart.

Other tricks that it'll play is that some things will just naturally... yeah, but that's obvious, I don't need to stay in my heart to come to guidance about this, you see, because I just know that it has to be this way. But we must drop all those ideas. We must become innocent like little children and allow Him, like a father holding our hand and guiding us. We must allow our heart to guide us in that way. In that way, then our life becomes a true life lived in His presence and His light. Isn't it beautiful that the highest, unfathomable, highest being we are finding within our own heart? Isn't that such a beautiful blessing, such a beautiful Grace? And we must never allow the mind to normalize it or regularize it. When we meet the Holy One in our heart, a sense of awe, a sense of reverence is very natural. See, anytime we find ourselves becoming very casual about it, just like, 'Yeah, there's a presence in my heart, but you know, I am aware of it,' you see. So the same discovery, but you can see the tone is different. It's like pride has taken over or the mind has taken over. So in those moments, we don't recognize the value, we don't honor the gift that has been given to us—that He Himself, the light of this universe, has made His presence apparent to us in our heart. This insight, this discovery, this fact astounds me. It makes me in awe. It brings me to my knees every day. So just trust that, treasure that, value that more than everything else in our life. Very good, very good. Thank you, thank you. So blessed. What a beautiful note to start Satsang on. Thank you.

This is the project. This is the project of Satsang, to come to the company of the truth, to come to the company of the highest. Father, in the Lord's Prayer, we say God, that I'm a sinner, but I want Your presence. Yes, please bless me with Your light. Sometimes life and the... we recognize the fact that often we go on our own terms, on our mind's terms, you see. And that is what the error is, or the sin is. And then we say, 'Have mercy on me,' because like we said, what does it mean? Don't keep my errors, don't keep my faults with You; neglect them because of Your mercy. So whether we say it or we say, 'Have mercy on me, a sinner,' it's the same thing. Father, He is kind enough to give His grace, but am I worthy to take it? Is my question, Father. Sometimes the light is so powerful, but I doubt if I am.

Yes, nobody is worthy enough. That is why it's His mercy, it's His grace. So it's not a question of worthiness, because if you were to do a worthiness check in this world, then nobody would be worthy of Him. So it's not a question of worthiness, but His grace. His grace has blessed us with the highest gift, the highest treasure. So are we valuing it? Are we honoring it with everything that we have? And we will try and fail, you see. That is the human condition. There is nobody in the human condition who has come to this insight and just not gone with their mental temptations ever after that. There is nobody.

But I'm hoping that our trying with all our might is going to be good enough for us, Father. There's also fear, Father. Fear, it sometimes it's too overpowering.

It's a little overpowering. So there are two forces at operation, isn't it? One is my will, my way, you see, my ideas, my being right, my knowing, my plan. And the other is His light, His presence, His will, His grace, His guidance. So what is being overpowered by what? When His light is abundant, it's somewhere there's a fear.

Yeah, overpowering.

Hopefully, if that is His will, then we'll be blessed by this overpowering because we don't want to make this a happy marriage between head and heart, isn't it? We want our head to drown in our heart. We want our mind to drown in our heart. So while the drowning is happening, it will feel overpowering.

Father, please give me the strength.

Of course. Nobody is blessed by grace and does not have this... not given the strength to handle it. A tomato bush is not going to get mangoes. So if you're getting mangoes, then you must be a mango tree. I don't know where that example came from. So He who is blessing us knows exactly what needs to be done. Okay, let's go to Wed. Namaste.

Namaste, Namaste, my dear. Can you hear me? Yeah, thank you so much for this beautiful start. I just felt to watch the paradox we are in, in which we are when we come to Satsang. We come to drink or to get these openings we are lacking and at the same time I see there is also... I mean, this opening is actually letting go. What you just described is so much trust and discovering what faith is, and that faith is actually our essence somehow. And so when we come to Satsang, we are in that field where this relaxes and this is felt and this replenishes, as you said before. And on the other hand, there is also a kind of... you know, I'll say something. I never called you Father. I always called you Ananta. And I guess I'm just noticing it doesn't come to me. And I see, and now I'm saying almost actually, yeah, your protection is very great. And I also see there is also some looking for reassurance which is coming from the mind, which is coming from the 'me'. And so it is ambivalent. There is a... and so I really contemplate over the years now how we are looking for a protection for the 'me' while looking for the trust for the 'I', for the 'I-I'. And this is really... I felt to catch it today in some try to look at it because you open us with contemplation of that presence in us. And something is building a kind of shelter. But actually, each one of us should know, and know somewhere, the shelter is the non-shelter, the absolute non-shelter. But you see, I just see this paradox is actually very active and it is the ultimate trick of the mind, the face of the sleeve of the mind, or I don't know. But I just see how we know that we cannot let go, and so we come to Satsang to be invited to do so. And we trick... the trickery is very powerful to come again and again to be in that cozy shelter. So I think it's enough. Just thank you. Thank you for that.

It's very beautiful. Actually, one of the contemplations worth looking at is if God is infinite and boundless, then how can something be paradoxical? And you realize that it is because although God is limitless and all things are possible in His light, it is our intellect which is too small to fathom that. So then things seem opposite, illogical, irrational, you see. And even to say irrational is also all right; it would still be part of our intellectual reasoning. So that is why the Zen koan, that is why all the inquiries, they give us paradoxes which the mind cannot resolve. See, the mysteries which the mind cannot resolve. And we are forced to dig deeper and live in our intuitive light where nothing remains an opposite or a paradox anymore. So this is the beauty of this, that as we are coming to spiritual growth, we're encountering within ourselves things which seem so paradoxical that we cannot use terms to really define them in your way, you see. That's why every Master's expression, if you just look at it intellectually, it's going to be all round and round. You can't make a template out of it. You can't make a way out of the words. We can only make a way out of His way or Her way. So it is beautiful to recognize that in the realm of the mind, intellect, everything seems so impossible to truly grasp that it seems like a mystery which is never-ending. But in our heart, it is abundantly clear. It is fully apparent only there. So use all the paradoxes that life gives you to dive deeper to the place where nothing, no opposites actually exist in His light. Very beautiful.

Yeah, yes. I understand that. I have quite much this feeling when I listen to you, before also what all sharing you, that there is no fear that can really remain. And it's just a habit on the surface.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, good. Very good. Thank you, thank you. Okay, let's go to Helen. Wait, let's try again. Are you able to unmute, my dear? Yeah, no, not yet.

Ah, yes. Okay. Can you hear me now? Yes, my dear. Yes, I can. Hello, Father.

Hello, my love.

Just, yeah, my heart's beating really fast. In moments of clarity, which are few and far between, there's a sense of God's will and a trust and a faith that what's happening in my life is for my growth and for, well, God's will. But mostly, I feel absolutely disconnected from my heart and in quite strong mental anguish. And I just really wanted to connect now because maybe, I don't know, I feel so disconnected that maybe talking to you would help.

Yeah, I'm very happy you brought this up. Very happy you brought this up because this is important for everyone. Whether the moments of insight are few and far between or we have moments of insight every day, often what to do during the rest of that time is very important. So we must find a way—and we're going to talk for a while about this—so that today we can agree on a way in which you can try with all your might to remain in His light, to remain in His presence, you see. And this is very important for all of us because freedom is... it is freedom which is moment to moment, it is something which is thought by thought. So as opposed to the traditional idea that we have that we'll have a moment of the Darshan of God, the Darshan of reality, and then everything will naturally fall aside, all the faults will fall aside and we will naturally live in God's light—it doesn't usually work in that way. And that is why it is important to commit and then to try with all our might to stay with His presence. And then the mind will end up finding something which will tempt us away. So we fail at that and then we return. And this is the beauty, although it may sound oppressive, this process, but actually it is very beautiful because in these moments where you can remain in His light, those are the greatest gift, the greatest treasure that we can find in our life. So, and either answer is okay, but we must look at this together. Is there something that you're using as a tool, as an instrument, as a point?

The mind will end up finding something which will tempt us away, so we fail at that and then we return. And this is the beauty, although it may sound oppressive, this process, but actually it is very beautiful because in these moments where you can remain in His light, those are the greatest gift, the greatest treasure that we can find in our life. So, and either answer is okay, but we must look at this together. Is there something that you're using as a tool, as an instrument, as a pointer to keep you in His presence unceasingly?

Well, mostly I've stopped doing everything. I stopped bhajans, that used to easily bring me to my heart, to sing in the morning 'Jai Jagadish Hare' and now I can't even do that. The only thing I can do, you see, I look after my mother, she has Alzheimer's, and the mental energy is really strong. It's like living with a mother who's schizophrenic, so it's like an absolute yo-yo. So most of the time I just sit and I try and clear my mind. I use Vipassana; I've been on two Goenka courses and I find that's the only thing, such a ten days of twelve hours a day. Is there anything that brings me back to presence at least for a day or two? So all I'm left with now is a prayer to God: 'Help me.' Yes, and occasionally a sense of like trust that comes from that prayer, but that's the only thing I do. I just say, 'God help me.' I also feel so stupid for exposing how out of section I am, but it is as it is. And that's the only thing is actually asking God, 'Please help me. I don't know what else to do.'

It is the most beautiful prayer: 'God, please help me.' It is the most beautiful prayer and don't devalue it at all. It is what is called an arrow prayer, where there's too much turmoil to even remember long words or difficult things. We make an arrow prayer to God saying, 'Have mercy' or 'Help me, please help me.' You see, it's a most beautiful prayer. So there's nothing wrong with that. But suppose that we were to start afresh now, you know? And now this is the starting afresh for the rest of your life. Let's start completely fresh from wherever, whatever is going to happen. So will you commit along with me that both of us commit full-heartedly to try with all our might to stay in God's presence? Come with me.

Absolutely. It's the only thing that matters.

Very, very good. Now if I were to ask you right now, just like we started the Satsang today, if you were to look right now, fresh, empty of anything from the past, is His presence apparent to you?

A tiny spark, yes. There's like on the very edge, on the very edge, that there is something magnificent, but it's really just a tiny, tiny spark.

Yes, yes. And if I was to ask you, what do you feel will make that tiny spark, will make that the main light, the strongest light in our life? What do you feel will get us there?

Keep trusting. Keep trusting.

And to remain with as tiny a spark as that may seem, we must remain in that light. we must remain in that presence, isn't it? And then that light will grow because actually that spark is not tiny. It is the light of this universe. All of this universe is shining in the light of that which seems like a tiny spark at the moment, but it is the most mighty light. What happens is that the tempting power of Maya then seems to obscure this light, and most cannot even report that there is a tiny light. So already it is very good, because most of our brothers and sisters in this world will say it's all made up, it's a question of belief. No, if there is one who is even able to say, 'But there is His light, there is His presence, but it seems very tiny,' that itself is a great way to start the rest of this life that we have in front of us. So can you meet what I'm saying? That the seeming giving of reality to worldly appearances seems to make this light tiny. But if these appearances did not seem so true and real, then that light could become stronger and stronger and higher and higher. Can this—

Yeah, I recognize it. It's still tiny, but I recognize it. I always know it. It's still really tiny.

Very good, very good. And when you say tiny, how do you mean? Is it like in your heart there's a tiny spark?

Or in my heart there's a tiny spark and then there's the mind saying, you know, this is just going to be overwhelmed. Yeah, this strength of the mind is coming inside.

Yes, that's what it'll do, because the mind itself is scared that if this light is allowed to take over, then it will be overwhelmed soon and it won't have its power anymore. So it will project and say, 'Yes, yes, enjoy your time now, but all this is going to be over soon.' It is just not true. It is just not true. It does not have that kind of power over you, and it can really do nothing if you choose that light above the darkness of the mind. There's nothing really that it can do. So remember that we commit to choose this light, His presence, more than whatever temptations the mind may offer us.

It's throwing everything, Father, like a massive wave. But then I'm partially believing in it. That's the thing.

Yes, so don't buy any of this. Nothing will happen. Nothing will happen to you.

It's doing—rather, it's sending imagery of a murderer, you know? It's like—

Don't worry. Don't worry. I've seen this often happen in these conversations, that the mind scares us with the scariest imagery. Don't worry. Allow it to all come and go. I'm with you. Don't worry about any of this. Yeah, the mind is not infinite. It has a limited supply of these tactics. And usually, when I've had these conversations in the past, you notice that within a few minutes it's all over with all of these scare tactics, because it doesn't have much ammunition really. Especially when it is not being believed, then it runs out of ammo very fast.

Yes, I feel the spark getting a little bigger.

Yeah, yes, yes. You just allow your thoughts to come and go. The rest will all be taken care of by itself.

Feeling gratitude.

Good. Just don't believe it. Just don't believe that rubbish. Don't believe the rubbish that the mind is telling you.

Exactly, yes.

But what is going to happen is that once Satsang gets over, then it'll seem compelling again. So I want to collectively come to some tool, some device that you can use which will be more effective in allowing these temptations to come and go from the mind and for you to remain strongly in the heart. So is there an expression of God that resonates in your heart the most?

Relief of compassion. I don't know the way that comes to my head, but none that comes to my heart. I don't know, Father. I don't know. Like Shiva—is that Shiva behind you? Is it? Oh, I woke up in the middle of the night in real anguish and just came. There's a picture of the old Sai Baba, not the other one. I just felt I was being blessed there. But it's kind of a mixture because I felt blessed by many enlightened forces or I don't know.

Just take a minute. And if it's Shirdi Sai Baba, then that is fine too. Just take a minute and whatever feels true in your heart, let's start with that. And nothing is written in stone. So just take a few moments, allow your heart to guide you if you can. We're just looking for an initial anchor to hold us steady when times are shaky.

I feel I'm trying to be just—

Yeah, take your time. Don't worry. Just relax and allow it to unfold from your heart. And all of us must get used to this way of living, without rushing into answers, without rushing into things. Allow your heart to guide you. Even if it seems to take time and no guidance is available, you must be patient.

I feel like it's my own self, my own heart. It feels like my own heart.

Just what feels like your own heart?

A sense, a sense in my own chest. It's like there's a sense that if I push it out towards Shiva or—it's almost like I'm—it's like that is within me. It's not out there. That is me. Not me as in a person, but just—

Yes, just like whose presence would you call this, that which is within you?

Only God's presence.

God's presence. Okay, very good, very good.

Like I can't think of someone or some image. I just—

That's good. God is a very beautiful word, a term to use. So if I was to say to you that you must remember God's name, which is just 'God,' all the time, would that seem like too difficult or too far a reach?

No, it's just like that. I say, 'God, God, God.'

Yes. So just what you have to do is start from His presence in your heart and just with all the love, with all the devotion that you can muster in your heart, use that to give momentum to your remembrance of Him. So just say, 'God, God, God, God, God.' Yes, let that be your unceasing prayer and you'll find so much strength in your heart with this. Then the mind will find opportunities and you will notice, of course it happens to all of us, that it stops. So then when you recognize that it stopped, you're not to waste time thinking about why you stopped and what happened, none of that. Just return to the name of God: 'God.' And the more you stay in this, the more it'll deepen and just become natural, as natural as breathing. But know that your mind will fight it for the first few days. But if you can really go through this along with me, then you will find that you've found such a strong anchor, such a strong support in your life that you are not shaken by external circumstances and events that are unfolding in front of you. And His grace, His light is going to bless you. That is my wholehearted prayer and blessing for you, that let's start with this. And then as we go along, you keep reporting to me about how it is going and if some other modifications, some different ways have to be derived from the heart, then we can do that together as well. But do you feel like for till we meet again next week or till whatever time we meet again, this is good? This is something you want to try?

Yes, Father, very much. Very much. Thank you.

Very, very good. So just hold on to it with all your might as a stability, as the support system that you need, and you will see that beautiful, beautiful things will unfold now. Bless you, bless you, bless you. Thank you, my dear. Okay, let's go to D.

Hello, Father. Can you hear me? I feel everything you spoke to Helen is also very much for me also, because you also gave me this instruction. But I wanted still to speak a few things with you. I just feel sometimes I become sad because I see I'm not really fully, how you say, one-pointed, you know? I feel I'm divided inside and a lack of genuineness. And it's really like almost like an energy that I can't control. It's like my being is divided and sometimes I get discouraged because I feel I have so many, I don't know, lack of this, lack of this. And it feels difficult, like the progress is small and sometimes I give up because of this. I feel, 'Oh, I'm never going to...' And also this feeling like I failed so many times and I tried again. Also with this prayer, I had a few weeks so peaceful, I couldn't believe, like so... and then all of a sudden it comes, this darkness, and I can't—I lose my—I fall off the wagon. And then it's hard to get back. And sometimes I'm trying, trying days and days and it's very hard to get back on track. But I see the only—I don't have any other option anyway, like you say sometimes, because the mind says, 'Oh, you're too resistant' or 'There's no chance for you.' But there's nothing else anyway. Like I can't—also with this job that I wrote you about, like I see if it doesn't come by grace, if it's just something from the mind, it will be so much suffering. So I don't want to go there because it's too much pain. I don't know, I just do my best and I keep touch with you and I hope that somehow things will start to—I start to feel more strength in myself. And I pray that I don't give up because I don't know, that comes to me sometimes, 'Oh, just give up,' you know? But somehow I find myself coming back all the time.

Yes. So I want to tell you that to try and fail seems—

It's just something from the mind. It will be so much suffering, so I don't want to, yeah, go there because it's too much pain. I don't know. I just do my best and I keep touch with you, and I hope that somehow things will start to... I start to feel more strength in myself. Very good, very, very... and I pray that I don't give up because I don't know, that that comes to me sometimes. Oh, just give up, you know? But somehow I find myself coming back all the time, yeah.

Yes, so I want to tell you that to try and fail seems to be the human condition. You see, there is no escaping it. You may try and you may be open and empty, live in His light, in God's presence for a second, a minute, a day, a week, a month; but there is nobody in the human condition who doesn't live like that and then fail because the mind comes up with something. You may be the highest sage, you may be anybody, you see. Even the avatars of God, the incarnations of God themselves, have shown us that as a reassurance—that it could happen even with them. So we must not get discouraged. You must never lose heart that you tried and you tried really hard and you fail, because what we are calling trying is actually the greatest, highest, most beautiful way to live at that time. When we are empty, when we're in His light, when we are living in remembrance of Him and we are living in His presence, it is not an oppressive trying. It is like returning home. It's like somebody said, an oasis, a refuge. So it's literally the Garden of Eden, the Kingdom of Heaven within ourselves.

So, although the word... maybe we need to find a different word for this, so trying can make it seem like something else. But it's okay for now. It does, because the mind still tempts us; it can still seem like trying. So it's fine. So don't feel like you are alone in this. I'm definitely with you. I can never say that, oh, I can just be open and empty 100% of the time. I cannot say it, and I doubt that anyone in this room, anyone can actually say that truly. So it is our job to try and fail, is it? But we must try with all our heart. We must try with all our faith, with all our devotion, with all our humility.

I was feeling the other day that when I call God from within, the call should be so deep that it shakes this entire world. It should feel like I'm calling from the deepest place within myself. I'm calling the Father with everything, everything at my disposal. It doesn't have to, of course, externally shake the world or something like that, you know? You have a sense of what I'm saying. It should just be so like that—one call, so full of everything that I have, like a helpless child just calling the Father. You see, I don't know if you've seen ever a baby cry when it just feels so helpless that it just cries out for its mother? Like that, inwardly, I feel like every time I pray it should be like that, with everything that I have.

And with His grace, with His blessing, if His presence remains alive and tangible and palpable here, then to remain in that forever—that is always the intent, to remain in that always. But every once in a while, the mind will come, the world will have something happening in front of us, the mind will use that as an opportunity and say, 'You see, come with me,' and we end up going with that, you see? And that is what we mean by fail. But the outcome of the failing should not be to make ourselves fail permanently or fail again. It should renew our resolve. It should say, 'Ah, well played, but I'm going to catch you next time when you try this,' you see? Well played to Mr. M, and just return to God. And then back like that, to live in His will, to live in His light, to live in His grace.

So when you fail, just return home quickly. Don't think about why you failed, that you should give up, you should stop. I don't know how many kids have written to me saying, 'I don't feel like I'm cut out for this, can I even do this?' But really, there is no option two, isn't it?

Yeah. When I... sorry...

No, no, please.

When this failing happens, it's really like this darkness comes and I feel so much crazy, and it's like days and days I don't find my way out. Like, it's not easy. And then at some point it comes, 'Okay, try, just try and pray.' But in between there is this, I don't know, like negativity, hard-heartedness, and angry because of this. Why? Why did this happen? I didn't do anything wrong. And I just get stuck like that there with a lot of suffering.

So a metaphor is coming. It's a bit strange, okay, so let's see if it works. But it's like there's a boxing match happening between ourselves, our true Self, and darkness, huh? Yeah, because you said darkness. So that boxing match is happening and sometimes darkness gives us a nice punch, a nice knockout punch, and we're flat on the floor. But then, when the boxer representing the light is on the floor, would you not find it strange if that boxer who was lying on the floor was feeding the darkness vitamins and strength medicine? You'd find it strange, isn't it? Like Rocky is lying on the floor and he's feeding whatever, or Drago or something, is feeding him all the supplements that he needs. That would be a bit strange.

So I'm saying that, yes, sometimes we will be knocked out, but we must remember when we catch ourselves feeding the mind, the ego, more and more as a result of that. That's always what I've called the two-punch, isn't it? The two-punch of the mind. The one punch is simple, but the two-punch makes us feel unworthy, guilty, not cut out for this, it's never going to happen, we will never win. That is much more oppressive and much more of a knockout than whatever else may have led us there, you see?

Of course, a simpler example is that—and we do this often—if we are on a diet or something and then we indulge in some sweet or cake or something like that, then we say, 'Oh, okay, now I've broken it,' so then we eat more and more and more, you see? Whereas that initial bite may not have been that problematic, but then something just takes over, the mind just takes over. So if you can at least cut out that, you see? Yes, we failed, we ate a bite of the chocolate and we were not supposed to eat it, but it doesn't mean we finish the whole cake, you see? And even with that, we will fail. So don't set this benchmark for yourself that you must never fail. You must just feel that, okay, you must recognize as soon as you recognize that 'I've gone the wrong way,' just run home.

It's like a child playing on the street with their friends, then after a while realized that it became too late and she didn't notice. Her job is to run home that instant. Not try to make a house there, not try to make sense of it, not try to prove it was the right decision. You just, when you notice, back home. When you notice, run back home.

Yeah, please. I pray for grace just because there is resistance in me. I know for this, like, sometimes it's just like that. I can't do it, or that it's not... I can't control it.

Can we explore that for a moment also together? Yes. So suppose you can't do it. Suppose it's true, you can't do it. What is the option then? It's just true for all of us. We all get discouraged from time to time. So we're just like, 'Okay, okay, I can't do this. I can't remain in God's presence. The world has too many things happening. My life is too... either too much winning going on or too much losing going on.' Either way, we get tempted by the world, isn't it? So that seems too good or too bad. 'But I can't do this God stuff which Ananta is telling me to do.' So are you willing to say, 'Okay, I can't do it, I give up on God'?

Sometimes I do for a few days, but then I start again.

Isn't it? So when you look at it, your smile tells me that you recognize somewhere that that's not really an option anyway. Because you don't want to go through the rest of your life fully in that zombie mode, in the darkness mode. Of course, we fail from time to time, but when the mind tells us, 'You better give up,' that's what it wants, no? It wants you to return to the zombie world where most of our brothers and sisters are living and say, 'No, no, what are you trying? You better give up. You can't do this. Look at you. What made you think that you can do this?' It tries to discourage us like that, you see? Don't get discouraged by it because you have seen, you see.

Is it okay sometimes I really have to try hard? Like, it feels hard, but I just have to keep going.

It's okay, of course. And I feel Kanha is working on a graphic or an image of something said in satsang the other day, saying that nobody who has come to the realization of the Self, has come to God's presence within them, has said, 'Oh, that was so easy.' They may say, 'Ah, this has always been here.' They may say, 'It is so natural, it is so original.' But nobody has said, 'That was so easy,' is it? It has not been easy for anyone, you see. It is not easy for anyone, and it's okay if it feels difficult to let go of the mind. So even Bhagavan said that while it feels like effort to not go with our thoughts, we must make that effort wholeheartedly. Don't worry if it feels like trying, it's fine.

It's easier to say the prayer than to let go of the mind. Like, I'm replacing the mind with the prayer because it's still there, like this, like this, but I'm just saying the prayer.

Yes, but you see what... because the battle is for time, really. The battle is for time. The mind wants to take all your time away from you in devotion to itself, you see, not in devotion to God. So even if you feel like something is festering, something is there, but you are praying, truly praying with devotion in your heart, then the mind has lost that time. It is still worthwhile.

But I don't always feel the devotion, to be honest. I sometimes say just the words and that's all I can do.

Yes, and that's fine too. Whatever we can, we must. Whatever we can't is up to Him. But whatever we can, we must.

Yeah, thank you. Very good, very good. Thank you so much for all the satsang.

So welcome, so welcome. Sometimes at your job, sometimes at your work also, it may seem like you need to give all your attention, all your focus onto the task at hand and things like that. And during those times, even if it starts mechanically, you're just praying mechanically inwardly or using your breath, whichever way it is, it is good. Don't feel guilty or unworthy about that. At least you still remembered Him in spite of all the activity happening in front of you. That itself is good, very good, you see? The method, the means are secondary to what is the deepest intention in your heart. If your intention is to be with Him, then you could be doing it all wrong, your method could be all mixed up, you see? You may fail many times, but it's your intention that counts.

And sorry, I'm keeping you a long time, but when I feel... I feel this fakeness in me, you know? Like, it's so painful. But what to do with it? Like, yeah, something like an energy.

Very... yes. It only means that the mind's version, the version of Maya, seems to be really real, and then the remembrance of God or the wanting to be in His light, His presence, seems fake, you see? But that is the nature of Maya. When we give temptation from the mind, that happens to us, and it is from there that it feels hard to return, isn't it? If Maya always felt fake, it would never be difficult to return, so no trying would ever be needed. The trying, the effort, the using the tools, the pointers—all of that is necessary because it is so compelling. This game, this video game in front of us, has been designed in such a compelling way that it pulls us in, and then it seems so difficult to leave it, disengage, and return home. That is why the trying is needed. So don't worry. It does feel fake when you're caught up in... when any of us is caught up in the game, then to return home will feel difficult because home feels fake, the world seems real.

Yeah, like the intention to come home feels fake, although I know deep down that's what I want. But it feels like mixed, you know? Also when you speak, sometimes I feel this fakeness in me, this resistance, and I can't help it. It's there, like...

Yeah, it's there for all of us, and that's why this point may be helpful to...

Nothing is needed, so don't worry. It does feel fake when you're caught up in it. When any of us is caught up in the game, then to return home will feel difficult because home feels fake; the world seems real.

Yeah, like the intention to come home feels fake, although I know deep down that's what I want. But it feels like mixed, you know? Also, when you speak, sometimes I feel this fakeness in me, this resistance, and I can't help it. It's there.

Like, yeah, it's there for all of us. And that's why this pointer may be helpful to remember: that if God is not seeming real, then know that you are in Maya. Yeah? Is it? Or conversely, we can also say that if the world is seeming too real, then you know that you are in Maya.

Yeah, but sometimes I can feel like the possibility, you know? Also, when I said the prayer, I can see actually when I tap into this Godly world, you know, and I realize all my worries and all these things about the world is just nothing, you know? All that matters is to get to God, and that will take care of everything else.

Exactly. Of course you do. Of course you do. That's why there is no option to, you see, there's no giving up now possible because what would we want our life to be then? After even meeting Him for a moment, we can't truly go back fully, isn't it? So don't let your mind discourage you.

Thank you. Sometimes when the mind tries—and it still tries here from time to time, tries to tempt—so I say, 'No, but this life belongs to God. This one is God's now. You can go.' Sometimes like that, I feel like the mind has a hold on me also because I was some many years ago and I had like an opening. Like, really, I felt I'm living in God's light. And then somehow I screwed up or I failed, and the mind is always reminding this, you know? Like, 'You're a failure' or 'You gave this away.' Or I don't know really if I did something, but it happened like that. And then I hold this against myself, you know? Like I lost a chance and now, yeah, maybe I don't deserve another one, or I doubt my own integrity and my own urge for this.

Yeah. You know what this reminded me of? After many years, I'm sharing this in satsang. This was some time before I met Guruji, maybe a year or two before I met Guruji. I decided—maybe some of you from earlier may remember—so once I said, 'Today I'm not going to leave the inquiry come what may. I will inquire, inquire till I come to the truth.' So I sat down. 'Who am I?' Picture-perfect inquiry, okay? Picture-perfect, like exactly according to the manual. So, 'Who am I? Who is witnessing this thought?' Soon everything went away. It was like samadhi. All that the sages were pointing to was apparent. Then the mind came and said, 'Stop all this. I'll give you a good life, huh?' Then it itself came and said, 'Deal?' Okay? So it was just one thought followed by another, and I felt so guilty and unworthy and angry at myself because I was like, 'I made a deal with the mind! I was coming to the truth and I said deal to this offer which it made,' which was saying, 'I'll give you a good life,' you see? But both of them were just thoughts. This is the way it tricks us. So don't worry. Everything happens in Grace. It is Grace that you had a moment, you had an awakening experience, or you were like that for whatever period of time, and then something came back and took over and you seem to lose it. But that tempter itself which makes you seem to lose it, itself says, 'Oh see, you're not worthy because you lost it.' Yeah? So don't fall for its tricks because this is exactly what it is trying to do. Just know that God is fresh and alive every moment. It doesn't matter what was the awakening experience, what happened years back; it doesn't really matter at all, except that if it is used as a pointer to bring us to God's light now. Because there is nothing higher than meeting God fresh now, is it? It doesn't matter if you were the highest sage yesterday, but if you're not living in God's light in this moment, that doesn't count for anything, you see? You could be the one who is seeing the entire realm of universes floating in front of you like little lights, but next moment if you're caught up in mental ideas and selfishness and ego, it doesn't matter what happened the previous moment. So don't worry about any of that. What is important is that His presence is fresh and alive with you now.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Let's go to Shanti. Namaste.

Namaste, Father. My dear, very good. Actually, there is no question. Just, there was a question already when you were speaking with the others. It's all clear.

Very, very good. Very good. All my love, all my blessings always with you. Very good. I see in your messages, in your coming up also, that there's a deep longing for God in your heart. So it is my prayer and my blessing that that longing will fulfill itself if that is His grace, if that is His will. But my full, full prayers, full blessings are with you. Keep going, keep going. You're going very well. Let's keep going like that. Many things will come in our life. Many things will happen in relationships and work, in money situations, in health of the body. All these things will happen, but you stand your ground. Let the outer be taken care of by the inner. You stay with the inner. Thank you. Bless you. Bless you. Let's go to Radheshyam Ji.

Namaste.

Very good, my dear. Very good. Very good. All my blessings, all my love. I think let's go to Karuna Mayi.

Hello, Father. Thank you so much. It came in my heart to express my gratitude to you and Guruji and God for all this Grace, yes, and for such a blessed life. Very, very. And also to pray for forgiveness for my ignorance and arrogance and stupidity, and for His grace and mercy to be guided from inside. And please bless Ken.

Full blessings, full love to all of you.

Whatever confusion—confusion, confusion, confusion, I guess, about where to live and what's best for us as a family to be fully devoted to God. And how, I don't know what's best for Ken's school situation, whatever, where we have to live for. And this confusion in my head, yeah, I just...

Yeah, yeah. Just live. Let's look at it this way. We have often said that our life is surrendered to God. It is surrendered to the Master. So if our life is surrendered to God, then is it possible to be confused about another one's problem? Like, are you confused about Shanti's problem, Avital's problem, Samia's problem? Are you confused about their problem? So if our life belongs to God, then it's His problem. Why are we getting confused about it?

Maybe because it's not full surrender.

Yes, thank you. So that is what you need to look at. We need to deepen in our faith. We need to deepen in our love for God and just make your provisional surrender into a full surrender, or a fuller surrender. Maybe 100% is not possible for anyone, but to deepen is always, always possible. To deepen in our love and faith for God is always possible. Yeah? Very good. So don't buy any of this confusion from the mind. Yeah? Because really, surrender to God. Whether God, whatever God wills for you, if you're truly becoming more and more open to His will, then you have nothing to worry about and nothing to be confused about.

Yeah, I'm not sure I see His will clearly.

Yes, and we will see only as much of His will as He wants us to see. We are not entitled to Him giving us a full roadmap. So if we can see the next step, yeah? And the next step, either we see the step or we see the silence is the next step, then we always see the next step by His grace. If we go to Him and we learn to trust even the silence, then we are never left without an answer, isn't it? Yeah? So we are not entitled to even that, but it is His grace that gives us even that. So we must never feel that 'I want to know what His plan is for me.' We will know what He wants us to know. That's all.

It's more like I'm afraid to make—I still identify with this decision-maker and I don't want to make a decision which is not the highest for my highest.

Yes, so stop identifying with the decision-maker and stop any notions of highest and lowest and all of that. And whatever is coming from God is good. That is enough, you see? I don't want to mess up His plans? Well, that much power nobody has. You don't have to worry about that. It's all a game for Him. It's all Leela, a play. You can never mess up anything that is His.

Thank you. Thank you. Bless you. Thank you for everything.

Thank you. Thank you. I enjoyed that question, actually. That was a fresh one. I don't know whether you heard that before: 'I don't want to mess up His plans.' Nice, sweet. Like, thank you, my dear. Okay, let's go to Monica.

Thank you, Father. Thank you. I was putting my hand up and down. I don't have... thank you, thank you so much from just today's satsang. Welcome. Maybe if I can report something, it's coming now. I've been, like as you're pointing out so strongly, like trying to sense, yeah, basically the presence, like that. And what you said last satsang on Wednesday was amazing. I even wrote it down and you said it again today: like if the presence is not apparent to you, you're basically in Maya, like you're in the identity. And again, being—I don't know—there's something about it that it's very, very simple. That, okay, then I don't have to be in Maya and the presence is apparent to me. So I'm very much with this somehow. And somehow, like especially yesterday and today, I hope to say like somehow I'm meeting this presence of something with—I feel I'm saying it with honesty—there is some modulation. I don't know if it's modulation, but somehow it's like it's intuitive. Sometimes it feels like something in my chest. Sometimes, yeah, I don't know. It's beautiful.

Yeah, very good. That's very good. I'm very happy. I'm very happy to hear this report and just keep deepening in that. Just remain in that. The mind will try to tell you all kinds of things. It'll say, it'll doubt, it will create doubts. It will say you're faking it, you don't even really know. It is your intention that is important, and your intention is to be with God. You will not be misled. You'll be fine. It'll be just fine. It'll just deepen and deepen. Just stay with that. It's very good. Very good.

Thank you. Welcome. I love that. I don't know, I'm also... I don't know. Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. It reminded me of the satsang grin, you know? First few years when I was sharing satsang—I don't know, some of you may remember—but I used to come into satsang hall and I used to have this grin like that. And I was like... and somebody would ask me a question and I would be like, 'But who are you?' And then the grin would come back. Your smile is reminding me of that grin that used to be here. It's very beautiful. Very good. Very good.

Can you please also bless that everything goes just more auspiciously? Like my work and everything flow. Like there is this retreat with Guruji which, like, if I have the chance I would so much like to go, but I have no idea financially or also to Bangalore. It's a little bit like, it's a lot of open. Like, just if I can ask for your blessing with everything.

Bless you. Thank you, Father. Very, very. There you go. I'm very happy that—I'm very pleased today. Satsang just was touching my heart so deeply. Very happy. May His grace continue to bless us all and all the brothers and sisters in this world. May they be touched, may they become open to His love, His presence, His grace. May life not be so oppressive and difficult for all of them. May the love that all of us are feeling in our heart, may they also be touched by this and return to their true home. Bless, bless all of you and bless everyone. Thank you. Thank you all so much for being in satsang today. Satguru Mooji Baba Ki Jai. Let me just take a moment to read the chat. Then, Leon's birthday. Where is Leon? He's partying somewhere. Does anyone see him? Let me see. You see him? Okay, we wait. You were here earlier. Leave it for a moment. Doesn't look like... okay. All our love, all our blessings to beloved Leon. May Guruji's Grace, may God's grace bless him so much and may he have the most auspicious...

Your true home. Bless, bless all of you and bless everyone. Thank you, thank you all so much for being in satsang today. Satguru Mooji Baba Jai. Let me just take a moment to read the chat. Then, Leon's birthday. Where is Leon? He's partying somewhere. Does anyone see him? Let me see. Is he... you see him? Okay, we wait. You were here earlier. Leave it for a moment. Doesn't look like... okay. All our love, all our blessings to beloved Leon. May Guruji's grace, may God's grace bless him so much and may he have the most auspicious year full of love and light. Okay.