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Now, what within ourselves can meet that which is non-phenomenal? You see, beyond phenomena. Is there something within ourselves with which we can meet God? So we can't meet God through the senses which are designed to meet the world. Now that puts most of us in a situation where we feel like we don't know what to do. How do I meet God? And God in his mercy realizes that because we are so conditioned to meet this world through our senses, through our concepts, he has given us a very simple way. He has provided at our very center, at the very center of our existence, the capacity to meet him and in fact it is said that he loves being there. You see, he loves to live in our very center.

So this center seems distant to us because Maya seems strong, because the pull of the world seems strong, and specifically because the 'me' seems very true and alive. Where in actuality most of us have seen by now that there is no such 'me' at least when we investigate, isn't it? When we look for the 'me', do we find one? We don't find. We find a body. But 99% of our concerns are not to do with the body. Even if the topic is the body, it is not to do with the body presently. It is about relationships. It's about money. It's about the future well-being of the body. It's about all of these things which have nothing to do with the body in this very moment.

You see, so we find the body and we find the bundle of thoughts which is proposing that there is an 'I' or a 'me' which is this body. You see, or at least which is centered around this body which has no existence. If there was no body, so it can feel like if the body goes then I also go. You see? So we live in this body way and we feel like anything directed at this particular body is directed at me. You see, it is directed at me. Now another layer of abstraction that got added is that a name got conditioned or charged with this body-mind. You see, a name got charged. So even if somebody's not directly looking at this body, if you're saying something about a particular name, we say this is about me. Ananta is like that. You see, so that's a way in which that label is now conditioned to imply this body-mind.

You see, now if you didn't have this, either of these—somebody's looking at a particular body, how is that directed at you? Are you that body? Somebody is calling that body a particular name and when that name is used, how is that directed at you? So this is called taking things personally, you see, where there is no person in actual existence. And we are so involved in that that even our spiritual project has become about providing God to that non-existent one. You see, so this is the ploy of Maya. So then it keeps us trapped. Every day something is referred to this name and something is directed to this body and we feel like this is my project for the day.

Now, none of this has to do anything to do with the reality of God. So, although all of this is happening within God in the simplistic way of putting it, nothing really it has to do with the true discovery of God. You see? So then God in his mercy said that okay, they are so trapped in all of this. Let's give them the ability to look deep inside that which they call themselves. Deep into their own insides which are not the insides of the body actually, and within there, within that, I will make my beautiful home. Within that I will make my beautiful home. Now could he have given us a greater gift than that?

You see, if he had presented himself to us purely objectively, you see, then it would deepen our attachment to objects and then we would deepen our attachment to this object as ourselves also. So he did not present himself to us in as an object. You see, he presented himself to us beyond the subject-object relationship, but to find him one just has to look within themselves. So what is that aspect of ourselves which is not objective in nature, which is not phenomenal in nature, which doesn't have phenomenal characteristics? You see? So then, yes. So then we may come to a dark, empty place. We may come to a dark, empty place. But remember it still has the attributes of dark and empty. Still has the attributes of dark and empty.

So what is the way to go beyond this which is the very limit of our attention? It can withdraw and come to a dark and empty, but that cannot be God, isn't it? Because it still has the attribute, you see. So if God was just an object who was very large but very just empty and dark like a limbo, you see, now that would be a severe disappointment. If awareness were just a limbo state, then that would be a severe disappointment. But God is not like that. So how is it that we can reach him then? Because this seems to be the limit of our capacity. You see, how we can reach him then is just by remembering him. Just by remembering him.

The problem seems so large and the solution seems so simple. That is why we don't really trust maybe initially that how can a remembrance of him lead to my insight about him. So that's why I was saying in satsang last time, or the time before that, that what is that capacity within us where we remember anything and all that comes flooding into our inside? We remember the name of a friend from school, suppose Romesh. So we remember Romesh. What happened? His face may show up in our imagination. Our thoughts may come about how he is or was. Then we might start feeling happy or angry or resentful just on the remembrance of one name.

You see, so that which we call our insides or our Antahkarana, which is made up of the layers of our existence, then that seems to get—at least we see it has the potential to get immersed in Romesh-ness if we remember so, or any object in the world. So then that very capacity we can use to remember God by using the name of God. You see, so what happens when we say Ram? And you replace Ram with any name of God which resonates the most with you in your heart. What happened now? Our Antahkarana, our soul has been given an impossible project which is that we are asking for the Darshan of the highest one from that who doesn't have the capacity to give this to us.

You see, but in its wisdom our soul doesn't say, 'I give up, get lost, what you saying Ram, I can't do anything about that.' Our mind may say that but our soul doesn't say that. Our soul in its wisdom, because it's timeless also in a way—we'll get into that maybe some another time—but in its wisdom brings us to that point where the revelation of Ram may actually happen. That revelation may happen when it is his will for it to happen, when it is God's will for it to happen. So why I'm emphasizing this so much is because of the simplicity of it. See the simplicity of just using God's name.

And remember that I'm equating using God's name with using the inquiry because 'I' is another name for God. 'I' is another name for God and 'I am' is another name for his Saguna aspect. So when we say 'Who am I?' it is like saying 'Who is Ram?' So this gift provides us the opportunity to not get trapped in Maya, to not get stuck in Maya and to come to the holy point of revelation which is the center of our existence. So then all the sages have called these different things. Ramana Maharshi said that humans have to learn to live in the cave of their heart. By living there they will find the supreme being. And Saint Teresa of Avila said the same thing, that there is in the center, in that interior castle, in the innermost mansion is where he delights to stay.

So we must learn to live over there. That is the very design of our soul, the design of our Antahkarana and the very purpose of our life. That as Bulleh Shah Ji said, we have to uproot from here and plant over there. You see, how will we plant there if we never visit, you see? So what do we have to uproot from here and plant there? Everything. Whatever we've planted here, everything has to be uprooted. My attachments, 'me, me' and everything has to be uprooted and offered to God over there. So the holy name of God does this entire uprooting and planting. Uprooting is also done. Planting is also done.

Seeing and the worry about the mechanical nature of it is also unfounded because it's very, very difficult to continuously do it mechanically. Just like it's very difficult to keep remembering a mango continuously while never tasting it. You see, you may say, 'Okay I'll do it really mechanically, just a pure attention to a thought of mangoes, that's all.' You see, so nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. You see, you may want to run from that but try doing it continuously. So it's not going to happen like that. The name is bound to lead to the side effects within ourselves which are the most beautiful side effects that we can ever have.

So everything that is needed on the spiritual path—the growth of the virtues, the growth in humility, the growth in faith, patience, courage, kindness, compassion—all of this happens when we let go of this 'me' by using God's name or the inquiry. So this holy place is when we are becoming empty of ourselves and carrying the pure longing to meet God. So here, to be here and for God's grace to make the revelation happen and for us to abide in that, that is what makes a sage a saint, a saint a sage, a sage a sage. Because living here is to live close to God. Living here is to await Atma Darshan, to await true self-knowledge because here there is nothing else for us to do but to abide. All our faculties have been left behind. You see? So there is no further grasping, thinking, perceiving, holding on sensorially to anything. All of this has been left behind. You see, so here is where we can encounter the Atma, the spirit. So any process of spirituality must get us to this point. There is no bypassing it. There is no jumping over it. There's no escaping this holy waiting.

To await Atma Darshan, to await true Self-knowledge, because here there is nothing else for us to do but to abide. All our faculties have been left behind. You see? So there is no further grasping, thinking, perceiving, holding on sensorially to anything. All of this has been left behind. You see, so here is where we can encounter the Atma, the spirit. So any process of spirituality must get us to this point. There is no bypassing it. There is no jumping over it. There's no escaping this holy waiting. So in various traditions this is called various things: contemplation, or the recollection part of contemplation which seems to be active where it seems like I still have some choice in the matter. It's up for debate what choice we have in the matter. It's completely up for debate. But even if it seems like a seeming choice, even if it seems like a choice, we apply it.

You see, if we make the choice to eat breakfast, or we make the choice when we pick from a menu in a restaurant, you see, is that true choice or is that God's will? It's a bigger debate which we can leave for later. But that seeming agency that we have must be applied towards this project of turning inwards and remaining there. So what happens? You say God's name and you find that your mind is very distracting. Say 'Ram,' the mind is saying 'but nothing is happening. This is not going to work.' Ram, something, something. What are you meant to do? Nothing. Just repeat. And the more you can offer yourself in the process, the more of yourselves you can surrender in this process. So if it is a true heart, fullheartedly, if there's a remembrance of God, Ram, then the intensity, the depth in this process seems to amplify exponentially.

So although there is nothing wrong, it will still benefit if it becomes just mechanical, mental initially. And yet the attempt should be to offer ourselves fully. 'I belong to you, Lord.' And the longing for the holy rendezvous, for the holy meeting to happen, that grows more and more as we offer more of ourselves, as we lose interest in worldly attachments. We make ourselves available to be pulled in by God, to dissolve into God. So it is only after this that the Savikalpa Samadhi, the Nirvikalpa Samadhi, the divine union—all of these states which the sages have told us about—only happen after this. So the prayer of quiet, the prayer of union, all of these things happen after this passive contemplation. So if you find yourself distracted or getting caught up in some imagery, keep repeating the name. You must come to the recognition of that which is imageless and yet not empty or dark. See beyond perception; that is to come to Atma Darshan.

Now one important thing is that by understanding all of this you have not gained anything. You see, you—well, you've gained a roadmap. Let's put it that way. You see, the point is to do it. The point is to practice it. By knowing the pathway, you don't get extra credits. Is it? Buying the medicine doesn't improve your cholesterol. Is it? So you understood the name of the medicine. You went to the pharmacist. You bought it also. You have it in your house. Then you say, 'Let's get the next blood test done.' What's going to happen? Then you go to the doctor saying, 'Why isn't it improving? I got the medicine.' But I haven't started taking it yet. It's not going to help. So this is very simple medicine, but the point is to take it. When to take it? Constantly, like oxygen, like breathing. And soon, to have distance from God will seem like you stopped breathing. It'll seem like you're restless. Like the sages have told us, you will become like a fish out of water.

Then what happens? What happens to our interest in worldly things? Just like when you're deeply in love. You don't care what people are thinking of you, saying about you. You see, what you're eating, what kind of clothes you're wearing, what your mirror is showing you—it doesn't matter because we are so lost in the beloved. Then the false attachment to this made-up construct of 'me,' of which the locus of centrality is the body, drops away. But your mind will throw doubt at you about every level of what we have discussed, starting from: Is there a God? Is there a God? Can He really live in my heart? Can we really have His name or thousand names? Can invoking a name really do this? Is it really possible for me to wait over there? You see, how many lifetimes will it take of waiting? How will I know if He has revealed Himself? Was that feeling I had the other day His revelation, then I lost it? You see, all this, everything will be doubted, and that is why we need to have faith—very strong faith—that I will not be shaken by all of this, none of this. So to rely on your heart to tell you the truth about all of this is to have faith.

When you say when we are waiting at the door, so if there is an expectation that He will show up, we don't know, it might be in a form also, like the image of a Guru. So is that—

Waiting at the door means we've left all those layers behind. Now if expectation is coming, it means we repeat the name.

When we repeat the name, yes, the name of the Guru and the one who might be coming, do we have to let that go also?

Yes. Everything. Everything. You see? So, what's her name? St. Thomas Keating said that in this process, even if Mother Mary comes to you, you have to tell her, 'Not now, dear, I'm in my contemplative prayer.' The Buddhists have said that if you see a Buddha on the road, then—I don't want to say. So every imagery, everything which can seem like it can distract us away from 'is,' you have to let it go.

Many people have that expectation of a Darshan of God, for example, Ram. So that also we have to—

Yes. Yes. But that Darshan of Ram Ji will come through Atma Darshan only. You see? So when that Darshan happens, you will have the Darshan through the eyes of the Atma itself. So we will not call an imagination of Ram Ji the Darshan of Ram Ji. You see, there's a difference between imagination and vision. So what happens is that allow the imagery to come. If it is deepening you in the heart, you see, but don't take that to be the completion of the process. Take it as offering. Take it as Prasad. You may start getting some insight. You may start getting some fragrance. Sometimes, you see, you may start getting fragrance. You may start getting feelings of love. You may start getting amazing visuals. You may start getting all of that. You see, so accept them as Prasad, as offerings from God. Taste them, but don't say, 'This is it. I'm at the end of it.' Continue until in your heart you know that you have received Atma Darshan.

Through Atma Darshan, then Atma itself will reveal your beloved to you, whether you call Him Ram, Krishna, Jesus, Allah. So if you don't want to set them aside, it is not needed to set them aside. Some of them are so beautiful that they help us dive deeper into our heart, you see, but at least don't take them to be the completion of the process. Because if you take them to be the completion of the process, we do not have the capacity to figure out all of Maya's traps. You see, so we don't really know: is this really a vision that I'm getting or is Maya fooling me with some fancy imagination? So say, 'Thank you so much, and I want to go deeper in my love for You. I want to receive You in my heart and please bless me with Atma Darshan so I can come to a true revelation of You.' What happened? Does it sound too tough?

No. Okay. So Father, when I say Namah Shivaya, sometimes there's a lot of sensations and it's quite intense. There's also a sort of a sexual potency that comes out. Is that also a sort of a distraction?

Some of this energy will flow upwards. If it is an energy which is flowing upwards, we are not to settle for it or to dwell on it too much. It'll play itself out.

But it doesn't allow me to stay too long when that potency is there. So do I just—

You can still repeat the name. See, or if you're doing the inquiry, you can say, 'Who witnesses this sensation?' There is never a sensation which can take over the entirety of us. You see, so when we ask, 'Who is that who witnesses this sensation?' and that is Lord Shiva Himself. No? The eternal Sakshi is Shiva Ji Himself. So a question like that will bring you to a deeper insight about who He is, you see, while not becoming averse to any sensations which are showing up. So we accept them as Prasad. You see, whatever the feeling may be, sometimes pleasurable, sometimes painful, we accept them, but we keep our eyes on the Lord alone. So everything else that needs to happen in the layers of our existence—sometimes chakra, sometimes Kundalini—all of this will happen, but our eyes are on God alone.

Father, sometimes the mind acts a little smart and tries to put inquiry in the middle. 'Who is the one who is chanting this? Who is the one who is saying the name?' So Father, at that time it's almost like the identity is saying 'Ram' and then the mind will be like, 'But then that's not who you are.' So Father, somewhere it's like the mind then tries to mix the—

Right, it's acting smart. So if the identity is saying 'Ram,' then the identity is also asking 'Who am I?' The same infrastructure which we're using to say 'Ram' is being used to do the self-inquiry. The point is not the starting point but where it leads. So the holy name of God and the self-inquiry brings us to that same point of stillness which we are calling the doorway to the heart temple where the revelation can happen. You see, so there the mind cannot operate because what will it say about stillness? What will it say about silence? It can't really say. And the good thing about the inquiry also is that if the mind is trying to trick you with that, it will lose that battle because the instant you say, 'Who is taking the name of God?'—how long does the inquiry actually take? Instantly it brings you to that point. So if these are the tricks that are left in its arsenal, then we don't have much to worry about.

Yes, Father. Sometimes it's also over-vigilance that I sense in myself, that I'm over-vigilant and the 'checker guy' is a little too active because that's been the tendency all these years, that you shouldn't do wrong, you shouldn't be this. So that 'shouldn't' comes up, Father, very strongly. So I just want to—sometimes Father, it's going so beautifully and then this comes up and then you feel that it's just frustrating. So I just get up, Father, getting frustrated, and then I just stay with Ram Nam. So I just wanted to put it at your feet that sometimes this mind is trying to act too smart.

Father, yes, it is designed to act smart. We don't have to hold it personally against the mind because even the design of the mind is God's design. Even Maya is God only in disguise. So we notice the smartness of the snake, you see, but we are not falling for it anymore. So we keep at it, and if we keep at it, then that which seems frustrating at the moment will become laughable soon. You see? So it'll become laughable that 'Now what you're trying to trick me with is self-inquiry.' You see, where will that lead you? So all its machinations then become juvenile and they become laughable. Once our heart is just deepening in love for God as yours is, then don't worry. All these things will come and go, but not to get frustrated because everything is doing their role well.

Perfectly well, because if these things don't come during our quiet prayer time practice, then when they do come when life is squeezing our throat, then they will seem impossible to handle. So we get used to practicing with them in a safe—like almost like a flight simulator. So we are in a flight simulator and we get to go through all the turbulence and all of that, you see.

But not to get frustrated because all it is, everybody, everything is doing their role well. It is perfectly well because if these things don't come during our quiet prayer time practice, then when they do come, when life is squeezing our throat, then they will seem impossible to handle. So we get used to practicing with them in a safe, almost like a flight simulator. We are in a flight simulator and we get to go through all the turbulence and all of that, you see.

So when we are actually doing the flight, which is interacting with our brothers and sisters in the world involved in Maya and doing all of this, then we still have the practice. We know what to do when this kind of turbulence comes. So it's all right for it to come in our quiet prayer time so that we learn to again and again transcend it, again and again. As Bhagavan said, puna puna puna puna, we practice it. We clean the mirror again and again and again.

Thank you, Father. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. At least it is good that that which presents us as this flesh bucket, that which offers us a life which is a seeming life, which is actually a zombie life—at least the invitations, the temptations of that one are not seeming so attractive now, you see. And its tricks are seeming like they're causing frustration rather than temptation. It's also good. It is fine. Yeah.

Other than focus prayer during the day, should we sit like this? Like my heart is asking us to do constant japa, like doing Krishna, Krishna, Krishna. But to sit like this and at the gate of the heart temple, should I take out some time? Like during work, I should be right?

This is focus prayer. Anytime that our focus, our intention is only God. You see, the beauty of japa is that you can be at work, you can be anywhere, and as we deepen in our japa, it becomes ajapa. So you're just witnessing the japa happening inside you. So that is the beauty of it, that we remain in prayer throughout. Focus prayer is when I'm taking out time specifically for nothing else in my attention other than God.

You see, now in that, we can do... ads will lead to this. Just japa, taking the... using the arrow prayer, using God's name seven times repeatedly will lead to this. Taking it once will lead to this. So we just have to see. It depends on the level of distraction. The more distracted we are, the more gross the instrument has to be, you see. And there may come a time where you just close your eyes and you don't need to take God's name. Your God's name is being chanted in the heart. You're a witness to that. You see, you enter that temple where His name is being chanted.

And there may come a point where you enter the temple in sheer stillness. Sheer stillness. And there is a holy light which is burning in the heart. The Atma Jyoti is alive over there. And in its holiness, you see that on that side of the portal is Lord Himself. Anyway, so I've complicated it. The point was that the more distracted we are, the more easily we are giving into mind, the stronger, the bigger the instrument can be. And it's not too... yeah, I'll come to you. It's not too rigid. Not too. Sometimes there's a sweetness only in taking God's name. So just you're feeling like you're drinking honey. That's absolutely fine. Then you don't have to say, 'Why am I taking it so much? My mind is quite quiet.' It'll become very natural. So there's no harmful side effects to this.

And it's not so cut and dry that, 'No, you should have been silent only, then why did you take God's name?' It's not that. Know that in God's heart, it's our intention, it is our sincerity, it is our faith, it is our love which is important, you see. If we make 10,000 mistakes every day in our practice, that's all right if our intention is pure. But broadly speaking, it's like that because Maya tempts you with thoughts of 'me.' When these thoughts of 'me' seem oppressive, then if just saying Lord's name once is not helping, it seems to keep listening, then we say the full prayer. If it's somewhere in the middle, you just repeat the name often, you see. Sometimes it can just be Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram, Ram. So seven times, this repeated like that in some sequence can be helpful to counter these temptations of the mind.

You'll get your own bearings inwardly about these things, but what's key is that that time must belong to God. When we call that which we're calling focus prayer, our intention has to be with God, has to be to be with God. The prayer teaches us how to... I don't feel like I've ever read a book on prayer, or I have actually, I've read a book on the Jesus prayer, seen something in that. But most of the teaching happens at the door of the heart temple itself. 'The Art of Prayer' is a beautiful book also. 'The Way of the Pilgrim.' I just went through a bit; I maybe have not read the whole book. But 'The Heart of Prayer' is a very beautiful book. Unceasing prayer. Yes.

Some help. So I've been struggling and I'm trying, but I'll take your help. So yeah, how I'm looking, how I'm speaking, now I'm like bothered about how I'm singing also and all these things. It's very suffocating. I don't like it.

Yeah. Who is singing? When words are directed at a bucket of flesh, you see how we take ourselves to be just made up of food and take credit or blame for those words. Or when a name is given to this bucket of flesh, how we take that name to apply to ourselves—that causes all the trouble. So that identification is called the ego. The belief that 'I am this body-mind' is called the ego. Now when these things are coming, then we must be grateful for the opportunity to transcend them. You see, we can be grateful for the opportunity we have to transcend them. That this is coming now, I still have this attachment, you see? Thank you, Lord, for giving me the opportunity to look at this and transcend it. How is... when you take God's name, what happens?

Honestly, I'm feeling scared right now. I'm not able to focus.

You feel scared right now? Okay. Even when you're scared right now, what happens?

I see an image of Ram Ji. I feel love for Him.

You're feeling that love? You're feeling the image? Just keep repeating it. Keep repeating it. This is quiet. There is great power in repetition. If we are trying to recall something... what is that place where the best, I don't know why mango thing is there, but where the best mangoes come from? Something, something in Maharashtra. What is that place? We may keep repeating, 'No, what is that place? What is it?' Something with R, something, you know, mango, something like that. So there is power in repetition and all our false conditioning, all our vasanas have been built up with the power of conditioning of repetition.

Over and over we've practiced being the 'me.' 'I am like this. I am like that. I don't like this. I like that. I prefer this. I don't want this.' We practice this 'I, I, I, I' so much, you see. With repetition we built up a conceptual framework about who we are, the belief system. So this avidya has to be knocked out by replacing the central protagonist of this narrative with God. The way you will do it is not fall into ideas about yourself but keep God as the central in your life. You see? So then what will happen is you're saying 'Ram,' mind is saying 'I'm scared.' You're saying 'Ram,' mind is saying 'I'm scared.' Now, the one who is scared we can't really find. So either we inquire into that one's true nature or we continue to take God's name.

The mind is trying to make 'me' central again. Like, 'What happens to me when I take God's name?' Then it becomes God for 'me.' So I still retain my superiority in my narrative and then that becomes the spiritual ego. You see? 'What is my experience? What did I find? What is happening to me?' So that 'me, me' in the guise of spirituality, it's like Ravana dressing up as a sadhu to kidnap Sita Ma. You see? So don't get into any spiritual self-evaluation, what we call the 'checker guy.' The checker guy will dress up like a sadhu but actually is very oppressive.

The good news is that the mind is a very limited instrument. Try to think two thoughts at the same time. In fact, I don't need to tell you all. Can you think two thoughts at the same time? You may think two very fast but you can't think two at the same time. So if you are immersing yourself in God's name, then once, only once space is there, from that can you get into some other thought? Or if you say, 'Okay, Ram, what's happening to me now? What's happening to me?' you see, like that. So if you give it space to make the diagnosis and give you a report, that report from the mind is about a patient who does not exist. There is no such 'me' over there.

So don't get into that trap. We are doing this for the love of God. You see, for the love of God, because we want to deepen in our love for Him. We want to meet Him. We want to drown in Him. We want to dissolve in Him. We are not doing it for any benefits for the 'me.' Now, if we die without Atma Gyan, we have not lived. If we die without Atma Darshan, we have never actually lived. We had a so-called life; it was just a dream and got over. What was the life of the dream character in your dream last night? It seemed to be very alive. It seemed to have pleasure and pain. It seemed to have good and bad, all that. It seemed to get born in consciousness; it died. It had no substance. Only in revelation of Atma does our true life begin. There's something about all this in the city of corpses. Corpses are trying to engage with other corpses, something like that.

Can you say again? So Ravana mode comes when we are trying to...

The Ravana mode comes when we're trying to take that insight to apply to 'me.' Like, 'How now that Ram, Ram, Ram, but now I'm not feeling anything?' Or I said, 'Oh, I had that insight.' Oh, so I'm still applying even the insight to 'me,' know that 'Now I should be different, now I should be better.' That's why God has made sure that as Atma Darshan is happening, the 'me' cannot participate in that, you see. But the mind will use whatever memory it has to try and create that false egoic identity out of that experience. You see, so after an awakening experience is a very, very delicate time because the mind will try to make us invincible and all of that. Apply the Atma's attributes to little old me.

That must be more torturous than anything in reality.

Yes. But it feels like many times we go through extreme torture just to have good, elevated thoughts about ourselves. I don't know if you noticed this, we keep up the facade all the time.

Yes, we try really hard. We still keep up the facade after so many years. We still keep up the facade.

It doesn't have to be just the spiritual ego. How much provocation does it take for us to pick up the mask again? Slightest. Anybody just looks at me just like that. You're just waiting to pick up the facade again. We have three hours of Satsang feeling blissful, living in God's love. We step out from here, we meet a neighbor who makes an accusation that we don't like. Finished. All gone. Back to 'you.' So that's why we need to constantly practice. When we practice in our secret chamber in our heart, when we practice in our closed room, it gives us practice on how to deal with life.

You see, if we can't even deal with our attacking thoughts when we are by ourselves, when we are around others and all kinds of sensations are being thrown at us and there's so much stimulus, then we are just unable to retain the center. So we have to practice being with God. So then that becomes our natural way of life. Arrow prayers are very useful in that where you just find yourself caught up in something, you're getting this thing, just fullheartedly cry to God and say 'Ram' with full heart. God's mercy is upon us instantly. It has to. Try it out. It has to work. Okay. But better not to get into those situations by being constantly in remembrance of God.

So much stimulus, then we are just unable to retain the center. So we have to practice being with God. So then that becomes our natural way of life. Uh, arrow prayers are very useful in that where you just you find yourself caught up in something, you're getting this thing, just fullheartedly cry to God and say, "Ram," full with full heart. God's mercy is upon us instantly; it has to. Try it out. It has to work. Okay. But better not to get into those situations by being constantly in remembrance of God. You see, but when they come, then we must, like lost children calling out to the mother. No? Sri Ramakrishna said just hold your hands up and cry fullheartedly for God. He will pick you up. She will pick you up. But can we have that innocence of a child? It takes us a long time to admit that we cannot handle life. We keep trying to—I will do it. I will do it. I'll manage. I'll manage. And God keeps letting us try, like every parent says, "Okay." He's not going to force himself on us.

Father, um, I was noticing I think a couple of times when that centrality of the "me," that as it was dissolving, there was a point when it was just a—it felt like a very fine thread of it was still there. And I saw something just come up and said, "Don't let all of it..." Like, okay, yeah, something like you want parent to function not in those... so it happened two, three times and I just wanted to say that. But when you were saying this now, so in that moment when that happens, just call Him?

Yes, yes. Don't go through any moments without remembering it.

In that moment when it feels like... you see what I'm saying, right?

Yes. Yes. So what I'm saying is that then suppose we've fallen into the stillness, we could go either direction from there. No?

Yes.

You see, exactly. So you're with the chanting. If you leave it, you could go to either direction. Either you fall into the contemplative stillness, nididhyasana, or you've got into some mental construct. You see, now as long as you're in the heart, you're well taken care of. If you've gone into the mind and the mind is saying, "I'm scared. I have this thing. Don't do so much. You'll lose everything." You see, "You can't function. What about the kids?" All of this stuff will come.

Not even that, Father. Something where it's so empty. It's almost empty, but there's a sliver of something and then it doesn't let that sliver go.

But that sliver is fictional. So in the sense that you're empty, you see.

Yeah.

And in the empty, it's like a dissolution which is happening.

Yes.

You see, when that dissolution is happening, then there comes a point where the mind really says, "Now this has to stop," like because now gone, otherwise dead. You see? So that death has to be faced.

Faced means... has to be faced like...

Faced. That no matter what, like Maharaj said, till we don't go through our own death, we cannot be free.

So how that point, that facing... how do I face it? Because it just uses that one thread to...

Ram.

No, in the sense... sorry. I'm trying, I'll try to explain what that expression was. Uh, it is threatening you. Say, "Do it. Do whatever."

Okay. So when you're already so immersed into it, it doesn't have a lot of power but it tries with all its might.

And then something happens there too. Um, no, no, I shouldn't... that it takes me out in some way, Father, just like don't leave the... something comes.

Yes, but it's just fundamentally it's a thought. Like, there may be some sensations associated with it, but fundamentally it's a thought. Yes. Yes. So it happens like that in deep sadhana. It'll say, "Why are you doing all this? I'll give you a good life," you see, like this kind of stuff. Or, "You're just going to die. Your family is going to suffer." All kind of threats or temptation. I'm with Ram Ji.

So can I just say what it says? Like, I think death... like if you leave this thread then you'll become nonfunctional. Something like that is the...

Yeah, just say, "I'm waiting for that nonfunctional."

Okay. It's just a thought, like you said, at that point also.

You see, but have that courage now. This life I've given to God anyway.

There's some expectation that if I say that, then it should work. Not even that... work means like I shouldn't get pulled out or something like...

Pulled out with attention like that sliver. No, Father, it doesn't let me fully... or maybe I don't just... okay, let me see. Try to use my words and say there's no such sliver. There's no such sliver. Can increase this by one or two? Yeah, okay, I can try. Because sometimes it presents non-existent problems. If you leave that, something will happen. There's nothing. It was a mosquito. Sometimes in the body physically you may—it may seem like you're dying. You see, like all prana is leaving us. All these things will happen, but we just hold on in our faith as our insides are getting all cleaned up and becoming a home for God. All this can happen at various levels. Our love for God will make us more and more fearless. The more we love Him, the more our fear goes. If you were to have a denormalized conversation, what would that sound like? Huh? Like, uh, firstly the fact that God is real. He lives in the innermost chamber of my heart. He lives everywhere. But I can have His darshan in the innermost chamber of my heart. Shouldn't we be jumping everywhere like we won a billion-dollar lottery or ten times that? You see? Why doesn't it happen like that? Yeah. Is it because something just normalizes it? No. It's like, "Yes, but what about me? Yes, but will I ever find?" But isn't it good news enough that He's living there? "But how do I really know?" The ten thousand sages have told you, who are beyond, you know, this thing, from all cultures, religions, traditions—that is not enough. You see, what will get us over our "me-ness"? No? Yeah. We're stuck in, "Yes, yes. But what about me now?" Ram Ji's darbar is there. Vrindavan is there. Heaven is there. Vaikuntha is there. Goloka is there. Everything is there. But we live as if we are uh, not alive at all, barely existing, you see. And our concerns are... what are our concerns? "What did this one tell me? What did that one tell me? Where did I go? How do I look?" You know, "Do they like me?" The abode of God is within you. But Maya seems more tangible. That's the thing. Maya seems more tangible. This stuff more tangible. So our learning is what? Whatever can move in front of my eyes, I'm not going to fall for the "me." I stay with God's "me." I stay with my inquiry. Does it—does this mean we will never slip? We will slip. But at least let's carry that determination. Sometimes I just feel like we are just waiting for something to take us away from God. Yeah. Yeah, in Satsang we hear we must be with God constantly. But what's my reason today? What's my reason today? My reason today is very justified because somebody told me, "You're a fool." You see, of course, now you're proving it by leaving God. By leaving God and dwelling on that, you're just proving it. No, I'm not trying to sound harsh. I'm just saying that this is the absurdity of it, that what justifiable reason can we have to leave God? What valid reason can we have to leave God? Because he told me this, because she did this to me, because she doesn't understand, he does like that. When will they ever change? All of this stuff will do what to us? Just keep us away from God, then it's game over. And sages have implored and implored and begged us. Swami Ramsukhdas Ji that other day in Satsang, he was like, "I'm begging you, take God's name." All the sages basically come to this point only. Kabir Ji also, we hear it very in a very strong way, like very, very strongly. But I'm starting to feel he must be begging us, saying that the opportunity won't come again and again. Please, the opportunity won't come again and again. It's something we feel like we know somewhere, we know better. He has said, "Don't waste the day. Don't leave off till tomorrow what you have to do today." She said, "Maya, let's be an equal opportunity employer. Let's give her a chance." Huh? So where will that get us? We had a great Satsang the other day where I felt like all those who were listening will be so determined to stay with God's presence in their heart. So determined, unshakable, because it was made clear—all the urgency, everything was shared. Within two hours, it was finished. All that determination gone. This is the nature of Maya. You see, so we need to be extremely vigilant. Mhm. And if I take the reports, it starts with one idea, one irritation. "I didn't like what he said. I didn't like the way you looked at me in Satsang. I didn't like how you answered my question. I didn't like what my sister said, my brother said." Just one tiny mad idea, as it's said in A Course in Miracles, that one tiny mad idea just grows into so much, so much trouble. You're not to leave God like that so cheaply. Have we really handed over our life to God? Because this Satsang is not a balanced Satsang. If you're looking for a balanced Satsang, this is not the Satsang for that. This Satsang, you need to commit yourself, your life to God 100%. And in that commitment, if everything—anything else moves, it moves; otherwise it doesn't. From your heart temple, something moves, it moves. If the prasad is given, then it's given. Otherwise we wait like naked beggars at His door. It is not self-help. It is not going to make your life stress-free. It is not going to make you productive. It's not going to do anything. If you want Atma Darshan, you have to commit your life to God. Otherwise, we can continue to be zombies and die a zombie life. Why do we feel like tomorrow will be different? Today I fell for Maya, but tomorrow will be different. Isn't every day like that? So make a change now. This moment. This moment. This moment. Carry strongly: "My heart belongs to You, God. My life belongs to You, God. Do with me as You please." As Saint Ravidas did. He said that, "I'm holding Your feet now. You do whatever You want. I'm not leaving. You want me to leave also, I won't leave You." Spirit, we have to at least let Maya work really hard to shake you. No? I know it. All it has to do is tick, tick, tick. And I'm speaking for myself also, not that I'm some great devotee of God. Get so easily shaken off the path. Whether you call it Maya, whether you call it the devil, whether you call it the dark forces, whatever you call it, whichever tradition, whichever religion, it doesn't matter. We can't deny the fact that there is a tempter which is trying to tempt you away from God, not allowing you to live a life of devotion and love towards God. It wants for us to be devoted to the "me" alone. Whether you put the metaphor of the Mahabharata or David and Goliath, you can choose whichever metaphor you want. But you cannot deny this. And I'm not calling them metaphors; I'm not denying their veracity. I'm just saying that they can be met at different layers, at different levels. But truly, they're talking about the spiritual warfare in our lives.

I feel that I never really heard it like that deeply, that this life is for God. Like, I mean like really like a commitment kind of thing. And I know you've been saying it, but it seems more true now, or like a... and I see that I can at least try. I don't know what may happen. And I was feeling embarrassed to say it because it's easy for me to report the mind. But if I want to say, "Father, help me. I really want to commit deeply," I felt a great sense of embarrassment to say it. I don't know why. And like you said, if we repeat it, like maybe in the morning, every day you get up and you say, "Okay, this day I really give to God."

Yes. So now the fact that He is there, the fact that we can choose to love Him and to follow His will has been made apparent to us. The pathway as to how to be in His love and light has been shown to us. You see, we just have to follow, follow, follow. You see, you just have to follow. Otherwise this whole life is passing us by.

I don't know why. And like you said, if we repeat it, like maybe in the morning every day you get up and you say, 'Okay, this day I really give to God.'

Yes. So now the fact that He is there, the fact that we can choose to love Him and to follow His will has been made apparent to us. The pathway as to how to be in His love and light has been shown to us. You see, we just have to follow, follow, follow. You see, you just have to follow. Otherwise this whole life is passing us by. So can we make the commitment like this sage saying we will not leave His feet no matter what happens, you see? And if we do, we return back. No postmortem, no excuses, no justification; we return to Him.

Father, sometimes when I hear you speak like that, I feel like I haven't even begun the path, really.

I see. When I hear myself speak like that, the same thing happens to me also. I'm just a beginner on the path.

Not even a beginner, I feel sometimes.

Yeah, these words come like that so strongly and I am also wondering about myself: what am I doing? Know that none of the sharing is meant to present Ananta as someone who has climbed this mountain or something like that. It is as much for him to hear as for any of us. So we'll all walk this together.

Sometimes I feel just because I've been in Satsang all this time, like seven years now, and just being with you and the Sangha and in Satsang here, and sometimes I confuse that with the actual... like the path is 100% what happens inside, what happens besides any pointing that I've received or anytime that I've had with the extra help of sitting with you. And yeah, it's hard, Father. It's a hard path and sometimes I feel like I haven't even started.

Yes, I also feel that. I also feel that, and it just makes me feel like I better start now. I better start now, you see? That's the idea. That's the idea. Not to dwell so much on the fact that so much time has gone. I'm 51 years old. But more that, start now. We need to start now. God is merciful. We have to always remember that. And so we see our feelings but we remember His mercy. So we never fall into despair. The being poor in spirit can often be misunderstood. But to recognize that we are just starting out on this project in spite of being in this for 27 years here, 28 years. What a long way I have to go. So then we cry like children for His grace, His mercy. So blessed are those who are poor in spirit. Exactly. Okay, let's go to... can we go to the ones who raised their hands first? Let's go to V.

Yeah, Father. Um, and this... I have two questions and both of them I think could be quite stupid but it's going on my mind to ask that. So the first one is, and I'm not quoting you verbatim, but in terms of the messages that you had sent on the group, right? So we experience everything through, say, words, imagination, and all that. And you said like, you know, we have to go beyond that because it's again just a way to experience the world and divine love is beyond this. However, in our conditioning, we only experience or recognize something when we have seen this before. For example, if I have not experienced love—and I could have experienced love through my child, through my spouse, through my parents—I can't recognize love otherwise. Right? So how do I know that then, you know, what I'm experiencing is, you know, it's just another word of imagination, it's not the real thing? How do I even get to know?

Yes. Okay. Let's go one at a time because I never, in 14 years, I've never remembered two questions at a time. So we'll start with this question. How is the first time when you recognize love? You get that feeling in your heart that you're not thinking about yourself anymore, you are thinking about someone else and that becomes more important. The focus goes away from yourself.

Yes.

So that's what I'm saying, that even though we may have... let's talk about a love like we fall in love in school and college. You see, when you first time we fall in love of that type, you see, we have never felt it before. They call it what, 'pehla nasha' and that kind of stuff, right? So, and yet we recognize it somewhere in a very primal way. You see, we recognize it somewhere in a very primal way. In the same way, when you come to God's presence, we come to Atma Darshan, we come to self-recognition, self-realization. Something very primal in us knows that as the truth. It doesn't need the faculties of mind, senses, imagination; none of that needs to validate anything like that from there. We just... it's extremely, extremely primal to us. It's very original to us, to our very design. That is one way to look at it. But as you deepen in this, feel free to keep sharing and in our conversations together some more light may be shed on that topic. Right.

Thanks. For the other question I had was when we are in spiritual path as well, the statements—

Sorry, sorry, I'm just going to make this point also: that if you're wondering whether it was Atma Darshan, then 99.9% it wasn't. See, I want to say 100 but that would seem too rude. But like, it's not... if you're wondering if it was Atma Darshan, then it's not Atma Darshan.

Thanks for sharing that. Um, the second question I had was in terms of, even in spiritual path, the statements that come out is in terms of, you know, 'I am doing something.' For example, 'I am seeking something,' right? Which is basically, in my mind then, the object changes, like from 'I want a house' or, you know, whatever, right, money, versus 'I want this.' But the 'I' still is there. So is it any different at all if we, you know, say that I'm in spiritual path, I'm trying to do this or some practice or with an objective in mind?

Yeah, it can be different. Mostly it's worse. Mostly it's worse. Spiritual ego, spiritual pride—at least what I have experienced for myself and in others—is that spiritual ego is more difficult to shake off than ego about money or beauty or any of these things. So really it is not different except that it can be much worse in its affliction. If you are afflicted by it, it is much worse. But it's not so much in the presentation of language because many of us then become convoluted in the way that we are using the words. You see, so it's like we used to joke about this when I started sharing Satsang, then somebody goes to a restaurant they'll say, 'Awareness, having given birth to consciousness, then playing as this body-mind, feels to have a spaghetti bolognese.' You don't go to a restaurant and start talking like that one day. So you're just going to say, 'I feel like having a spaghetti bolognese' or whatever. Right? So, so it's not so much in the words but in the recognition of the lightness of them. You see, in the recognition of the ease of being in which we are living rather than the content of the words that much, you see. So if we are just not taking ourselves super seriously, if we don't mind being insulted once in a while, if our anger, irritation, all of these things are not so strong, then those are better indicators of the fact that we are letting go of the 'me' than the specific words maybe which we may be using to express ourselves. Now also what happens is that in the recognition that I am That, it is also recognized simultaneously that I am nothing but a servant of God. You see, now the intellect cannot compute and put those two together. It cannot reconcile these two facts, but they are facts. So, that's why you find sages saying, you see, Mira Bai also saying, 'I am the most worthless one,' saints of Avala, all sages saying like that. But does that mean there was something missing in their self-realization, in their self-recognition? No. It is that we realize simultaneously that I am That in my participation in my one life with Him. I am That. But not in His power, not in His omniscience. You see, not in His omnipotence, not in these ways. But in His grace and mercy, He is allowing me to participate in that one life of God. But the recognition doesn't give me access to power over life and death, power over Atma Darshan. You see, all these continue to belong only to God. So at once we see that I am that birthing place in which consciousness itself is born. And we also at the same time see that I am the most worthless beginner on this path who would not last one moment without His mercy. You see, now our intellect may try to make sense of it but it can't. You see, and so therefore when we hear the words of the sages they seem very contradictory. On one hand they say like that, on one hand they say like that. What are we to make of that? We are to make of that that somewhere the wholeness of the sage can be met, but that somewhere is not in our intellect. You see, just like a Zen koan, if we try to solve it with our intellect we will never get anywhere. You see, you will never come to the sound of one hand clapping. You will never understand why Bodhidharma decided to go to the East or take any Zen koan. You will not be able to resolve it in the intellect. So it makes us leave our binary constructs of logic, of something being true therefore its opposite must be false. All of these constructs are then thrown away. I love sharing this and it bores everyone but I'll just share this again. Indulge me in that. This binary construct of logic is mostly a Western gift to us. You see, and because our education has become very Western, therefore we got into this binary thing. Now the Buddhists had this very beautiful construct called the fifth corner of the room. So they said the first corner of the room is when something is true. The second corner is when it is false. The third corner of the room is when it is both true and false. The fourth corner is when it is neither true nor false. You see? So I messed up the numbering, but the idea is that there's a fifth in this case where it is beyond the constructs of true and false in a way that our intellect cannot fathom. You see, so when Buddha was asked a question of whether an enlightened one continues to use the body and whether they have rebirth, he would answer these questions by saying 'the fifth.' See, the fifth. So what is he saying? The truth can be met. He's not saying it cannot be met. He's saying it can be met but it will be met at a layer which is going to be beyond our mind-intellect system. You see? So, does a sage recognize that they are That, capital T, That? Yes. Do they realize that they are still mere servants of God? Yes. Can both be true? Not in our system of logic currently, but there is a place deeper where we recognize the truthiness of both of them. Is that beautiful?

Just want to express one thing before I stop. Um, I'm pretty new to your Satsang and this has been like the third Satsang, and even remotely, right, like when you start just being there and you say something, the mind stops for that amount of time, right? So the amount of thoughts like before that is like a lot of things going on and in your presence it's just, you know, focus. So thanks a lot for your presence and things that you're sharing. Super grateful.

Thank you. Thank you for that report and it's all just God's grace in such a way. If you're having that experience, it must be because of your faith. I'm very clear that this foolish man—I can't even say child anymore—this has no such... he can't even make his own mind stop. How will he make your mind stop? But God's grace is upon you, that means. And if this instrument is being given a part to play in that, then I'm grateful to God's mercy for that happening. Thank you. Okay, let's go to Samya.

Hey Father, can you hear me well?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, thank you. I can hear myself also though. It's coming back. Okay. When I'm finished, I will mute myself for you to speak. Um, Father, I think I just want to ask for help.

He can't even make his own mind stop. How will he make your mind stop? But God's grace is upon you, that means, and if this instrument is being given a part to play in that, then I'm grateful to God's mercy for that happening. Thank you. Okay, let's go to Samya.

Hey Father, can you hear me well?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, thank you. I can hear myself also though. It's coming back. Okay. When I'm finished, I will mute myself for you to speak. Um, Father, I think I just want to ask for help. Somehow, um, I don't know why, maybe comfort or some other forces, I really cannot dedicate my time to God. One thing is that, yeah, it's really like comfort. There is no suffering or nothing, just, uh, what's the word? Like there is no conflict for me to turn to God timidly and I'm just so comfortable and all these things and I'm just enjoying life or where I am. But recently it really started to disturb me and I felt like I miss God, you know? And I realized that even just to put an effort for God is to be with God, and even that is just such an amazing blessing. And actually I thought that, Father, it's just so interesting because you feel like when you decide you can do, but it's such a long time that I cannot do, I cannot turn. I try always these feelings, I'm okay, this time I really spend time. Actually, it didn't come that strong before, I was enjoying, but recently I don't. Father, I just want to turn back to God. And yeah, whatever, it's just cutting me from being with Him. We always felt like when we are comfortable, we will be with God. But I'm in the experience of this and I saw that it just doesn't work like this. I mean, hope it can, but I'm just asking for help. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing that. And this help, I can only pray and to pray for God's grace in your heart that He turns you towards Him. Many times the beginning of the returning—because I know that you have turned to God many times in your life—so the returning to God, many times the beginning of that is the recognition that I'm not turning towards Him. Because those who are truly never turning towards Him have no concept of turning towards God. You see, they are not thinking about turning towards God. So something is already reminding you to turn towards God, continuing to bring you to satsang. But that movement can only happen from your heart. And I just pray that His calling in your heart becomes stronger and stronger, louder and louder, so that you come to the true turning to His love and light and the true living in His love and light. May He grace you with His presence and love.

Thank you, Father. Um, may I bring just some maybe blind spots that I'm not sure to you? Uh, if I can find them. Uh, one thing is that I'm not sure, Father, if I am lazy or let me just, I don't know how to put that, but maybe is it true, Father, that I, I don't know how to put that, um, sorry. Like, does it start with us, Father? Like, do we really need to be also disciplined? Or is it also something about grace? Like, I'm really confused about this because I find myself very undisciplined. So is it like we also need to put an effort? Because I think I don't do that. It's strange. I don't know. Maybe even got away with it. But yeah, maybe you can just say something and just remove something. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, I can say from my situation, my case, that every day I need to put effort. Every day I need to put effort. Um, I feel that if I don't put effort every day—now we can call it seeming effort, we can call it the guise of effort, all of those things—but every day what we usually call effort, I need to put that. So, so that is my situation and I can only advise for my situation because I don't know what it is like for this to be constantly not caught in Maya and to be with God effortlessly constantly. I don't know what that is like. I've had a few days like that initially, but um, that is not my experience, that is not my situation. I'm gifted with effortlessness usually after I have put the effort, but I cannot take it for granted. I just find myself getting too much into 'me' and 'Ananta' mode if I don't put that effort every day.

And there is one more thing. It's also kind of like prayer and asking an help from God. Uh, you know, it's just more easier when you are in a life or in a supported environment, Father. Like in a supported environment, it's just very naturally I turn to God. I just left phone, I don't want to look at that. But in my home, because I don't have private place and always even to sleep with these beings, I felt like it's really just left me like this and somehow, yeah, God brought me there. But I think recently I cannot do it that, Father. It's like even my putting effort really doesn't work. So for that I'm asking for God's help.

Yeah. Oh, I can't carry... no, just praying silently for you. And a little bit I can relate to this as a householder. I've never really lived for any period of time in an ashram. Only visited for two, three days every ashram. So um, in a way, but I also trust that if God has given us this life, it must be perfect for my growth. Maybe I would have got really into some sort of denial and some big idea of being free or something if I was in an ashram. So He has made this perfect, He's made this perfect life. So I realize the difficulty of it. But also recently when we've been envisaging having an ashram a little bit in the last two, three weeks, I realized that that is also sounding a bit scary to me because I may end up like an ashram manager or a conflict manager. Here I can just escape to my house and run away, but if I'm in an ashram then no place to run away also. So I don't know, I feel God knows the best thing to do.

May I add some words for that, Father?

Yes, please.

Uh, yeah, so I was so blessed to stay with some Sufi Baba here. Yeah. And um, even just to stay together because he stays with his student and I'm, I feel like I'm just too blessed to witness that. They were just living together and everything was okay, Father. So I'm so happy and blessed to taste this. So it's like as a comforting words I'm telling you. It's just... thank you. Sometimes it works, Father, naturally. They are friends. They are so good. I don't know, to witness that and be part of that.

Before we start any ashram, I need to come to Turkey and live with that Babaji for some time and learn how to do that.

Well, maybe not everyone and not all of the people that I visit like this, but also because it was my request to be get along with people. Somehow God brought me to them and I witnessed that and I became also like part of them in a very beautiful way. So I feel so blessed and these are my comfort words for you.

Reassurance. It helps. It helps. Thank you so much. Yeah. Let's go to Dan probably.

Awesome. When I hear you like speak, um, and I just feel like the humility in your, in your words and like how transparent and humble, and I see how far, like how deeply far away I am from that. It's like I, it's just, I just see how far, like how far, despite the blessings and the grace, I see how far, like how far I am from that humility. It's just like, I just see it and it's like sometime just feels like, I don't know, even when somewhere in my heart He arises to speak about what God has put in my heart to say, I just feel it's like, I just, I just feel like something is too dirty still to be able to speak that, those things. And I just want to bring this to you because I've seen this, because I just, I just remember you sometimes in, I'm just like, I, it's not even like a thing. It's not even like, even like a dispel. It's just, it's just like the mirror of consciousness. You just see these things and it's, it's just because the consciousness doesn't give you an opinion. It's just, it's just shown. So it's just like that. And um, it's not like a display. It's just like, it's just a scene somehow that it is. So and I just see how far, how, like there's so many impressions still here that are very far from like how you are. And it's just dazzling, like, like the level of humility that I see in you and how you express this. It's like, thank you.

Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for sharing that. But uh, there's a long, long way to go for me to become humble. Yeah, this is what I understand. No, really. It's just um, I feel like I'm just learning, I'm just beginning to learn to be not even humble. I'm beginning to learn to be truthful because I feel like I just have to be truthful. I cannot be untruthful in the eyes of many and be seen as truthful in the eyes of one. So, I just have to make sure that I'm as truthful as I can be in front of everyone who hears me because I cannot imagine facing God one day with the face of a hypocrite. And I realized that for most of my life I have not been as truthful as I could have been. And to just share what is, what is apparent and clear about this one, um, just openly. That may sound like humility to all of you beautiful brothers and sisters. But uh, the only attempt here is to try and be as truthful as possible. And may in God's light, may I continue to see the blind spots that are here. May I continue to see the things where 'me' is still important and takes center stage. And may all of that be offered up in His holy light, in His holy fire. Because one day I want to be able to look God in the eyes and say, 'Please give me space at Your holy feet.' And if I'm not able to face my Goal, then what is the point of impressing thousands of people? So I have the, I have a long way to go in this truthfulness. Um, in the fact that I'm sure there are hundreds of things which I am still in denial of, hundreds of things which I feel like are acceptable and pleasing in God's eyes, but in my prayer they will be revealed more and more. And as they are revealed more and more, I want to come clean in front of all of you, my family, my children, my brothers and sisters, and to be able to share with you the truth of my life. Because if I leave a glorified idea of this life in your minds, but I know I'm a liar in my heart, I will not be able to face God. So may it be so that this one shares, sings all the praises of God and then is forgotten fairly quickly because there was nothing so special about him. But may the imprint of God be so deeply embedded in all of your hearts that God blesses me with His mercy. So please bless me on this journey to more and more truthfulness, more and more openness and more and more acceptance of my errors and the foolishness of my ways. And please, I know I've hurt many of you at some point or the other. Please forgive me if you can as just a brother who is trying to lead a life serving God and continuing to fail every day in some ways but trying to do the right thing which would be pleasing to Him. More and more I've seen that my only happiness is in leading a life which is pleasing to God. Okay, thank you. Thank you for that uh sharing and thank you for giving me this opportunity to say something about that. Okay, good. We love you. Thank you.