The I Prior to I Am - 6th January 2016

There is no way that this you cannot find. There is no way that you can lose yourself. In fact, it is more that because it has always been like this, our mind is in denial of it. It makes it another task to get to. It makes it the next bowl of milk. If our entire life we pretended to be a cat, then we have constantly to look for the next bowl of milk. And this, the mind says, is the eternal bowl of milk: 'Find freedom and you will find the nectar of immortality for the cat.' But you never were a cat. You never were a person. You are That which you have been looking for. So this 'I' before the birth of the 'I am' is even... is a true, unshakable, immortal, eternal nature. And everything else exists only in your awareness of it, inside your awareness.

Then what happens with the birth of being? Actually, all confusion starts. Being leaves no confusion... the birth of being. So in fact, when the first time I heard Maharaj say something like, 'The only problem is you have the I am infection,' it's like, 'I am infection? I am is God himself, you know? How can you say I am infection?' I read it like that in the 'I Am That' or one of the books, Maharaj's books. I was not able to process the enormity of what he was saying at that time. So with the birth of 'I am,' then very quickly the world of duality appears. It's always me and the world, me and another, my world, my life. Before that, nothing. No phenomena. And even if this appearance was there without the pesky interpreter, then it would not seem like it is separate. Because this interpretive mind, what we call the ego, the wrong subtitles in the movie, the fake interpreter—this one makes trouble where there is none. Because it convinces you that you are this bundle of just flesh and blood and you are alone here. Then it seems scary. You're just this body in this huge realm of billions of people and so many forces which are constantly attacking. And once you buy this story, then you bought the cat idea, and then you're running about like the cat looking for your bowl of milk and trying to keep them safe and making sure you're on the right track.

That's why I say this is such a divine mystery, the great divine Maya that convinces the creator of the world that it is just a small speck in this world. Actually, the universe is a small speck inside you. And all these insights are available to you once you come to clarity about who you are. Clarity is different from mental understanding because it's very easy to pick up the concept 'I am awareness' or 'I am the infinite one,' but it is just another concept then. It's not going to help. Clarity comes from direct seeing, direct experience. And we tried over the years to demystify your true nature as much as possible. Therefore, all it needs is a little bit of openness, a little bit of checking neutrally to see. And some of you are new here, so maybe we can revise some of the core pointings for you.

The first one is: if you still have the sense that 'I am suffering,' then all you have to do is not to believe your next thought. Because there is no suffering now. Suffering is always dependent on some projection of past or future and this interpretation—what the mind is saying about the past or future. So in our not believing the next thought, we are not picking up the false identity. We are not picking up any of these projections. And then some resistances will come. You will say, 'I cannot believe this.' So find out those two or three top buttons which the mind can push, which seem to automatically get your belief, and pull them into your inquiry. So if it is about freedom, for many of you now it is the spiritual seeker identity which is the strongest one where the buttons get pushed. So find out: who is the seeker? Can we find the seeker? Is the body seeking freedom? If there was a way actually to communicate with the body and you say, 'I'm going to get you some freedom,' the body will say, 'What? Does it taste good?' It has no idea about freedom. It already is free. Just an instrument, a beautiful instrument, but an instrument. So find out: who wants freedom? Where is this one sitting? What does it look like? When was it born? What is its relationship with you? Why does it need a voice to communicate with you? See? So are there two of you? This, if you inquire, you'll realize very quickly that it's just an idea. The seeker identity is nothing but an idea with no tangibility at all.

You see? So those ideas which still seem to get your belief, pull them into your inquiry and you will find that they rest on nothing. There is no validity behind any identity. Then some of you might see... it might seem like for some of you that, 'Yes, everything is so fresh. I'm not suffering because all my identities which I was carrying about have now been inquired into and they have been dropped, and everything is fresh moment to moment. I'm just witnessing all of this moving.' But you could say, 'What about that? What about God?' Because the entire quest was to find God. So can you show me God? And I would say yes, I can. Not your idea of God necessarily, but the God that I have experienced. That one I can show you just by asking you this simple question: can you stop being now? And when I say 'can you stop being,' actually try. Don't use it as an intellectual question and say, 'What kind of question is that?' Actually try to stop being. Don't be for an instant. And you will discover your own holy presence instantly. You will find you cannot stop being. Your presence is here. I just am. This 'I am' is being, is consciousness, is God. Because it is God who said, 'I am that I am.' So don't let the simplicity of the pointing confuse you and make it trivial. It is one of the most beautiful discoveries that you can come to. It is the realization of God as your own presence, just looking and seeing if I can stop being.

And often I've said that this much is enough. Actually, this much is enough because you're beyond suffering and you're living in the presence of God. But for some of you, like in my case here also, but some of you will say, 'There's something more.' And by this time the mind will probably be increasing... 'Something more than God? What are you saying?' But you might say that 'I am aware even of being.' There is something here which is prior even to being, which knows that there's something called sleep state and then I woke up from sleep state. So what is this? What is prior to 'I am'? What is before 'I am' is this awareness, knowingness, that knows even the presence and absence of being. So this is the highest. If you say, 'Can you show me the highest?' and I say, 'Are you aware now?'

And for some of you this might sound like a magnificent pointing, and for some of you it will say, 'What? This was the highest? I didn't see anything at all.' But in those words themselves lies the truth, where you are able to confirm, 'Yes, I am aware.' I am aware without actually phenomenally experiencing anything. Even for being, it was phenomenally experienced. But for awareness... am I aware now? This fact that I am aware is known. It is not a phenomenal experience. It's the only non-phenomenal experiencing that you can have. It's not even an experience, but if you were to use the word 'non-phenomenal experience,' it is the only one you can have. And it is central to our existence. I am aware. And because it is so natural, so intimate, there is no space between us and this. And our entire idea of freedom, of self-realization, was based on some sort of an explosion or some sort of an awakening experience or something special like that. The mind refuses to accept that this seeing 'I am aware now' is the realization of the Self. You realizing your own Self as awareness. Awareness itself is realizing itself. This is the essence of self-realization.

The trouble can come because the mind, the person identity, can say, 'But this is not what I asked for.' But we are no longer to cater to this one who does not exist, because this one is forever unsatisfied. How do you know that you are aware? First, do you know or not? Do you know very well?

Yeah, let's see. Yes.

So we know. How? How do we know?

Just... okay, just aware.

But for everything else... is there a blue box on the table? We either see or we don't see. And if we see, then we have confirmation it is there. You see? Everything else is phenomenally checked. Everything else, even presence—can you feel the presence, experience the presence? It is phenomenally checked. But for this, we just know. It's always just here. Because what did you see? If I asked you what you saw that you were able to confirm your awareness, you will not have a good answer, isn't it? Isn't this so beautiful? I enjoy very much this contemplation. If I ask you what you saw to be able to confirm your awareness, you will not have a good answer. For everything else, to confirm it is there, you say, 'Yes, I saw it. This was the color, this was the taste, this was the phenomenal experience of it.' But for yourself, you are not able to define a quality or an attribute, and yet you're clear that you are you.