That You Exist Is Not a Concept for You, It Is Your Living Truth - 9th February 2018

So, 'I Am.' This is the affirmation of the sense of existence already. This is really the affirmation of your existence. When we say 'I Am,' it needs no other something to exist. And those of you that enjoy some of these our temptations will be, notice what is that which is there first thing in the waking state? What changed when you woke? All these sensations are coming in, and you never experience the exact same sensation twice anyway, but the 'I Am' is always the same. The beginning is unchanging. These sensations are coming and going; therefore, independent of all sensations, you are. And if this is confusing, ask yourself: 'Can I stop being now?' And don't just ask yourself, try to stop being. You taste for yourself the independent nature, the effortless natural existence we're discovering in spaciousness, in which all movements, all appearances come and go, but this space remains untouched.

Yes, some reports. Others: 'I am the I that is no one.' 'Is-ness is here, no one is here.' Father, the experience here, I feel there is no need to relate myself. But this is nice. Let's put enough because the 'I' has been too... but when 'I am' them so much, it has caused so much trouble. It's okay to keep it aside. If you were to hear something, you know, double readings, it was going to trouble you, then leave it. But if you're going to hear something in the heart of you, just look at this a little deeper. See that only the Self is. Meaninglessness is. See, 'I don't want to inject my 'I' into this now.' So before the injecting of the 'I,' the 'I' that would inject or not inject, is that separate from the Self itself? I see, I notice, see I'm not this. I see her motives, see I'm not this. I see I'm on this. I just see this seeing as this knowingness, this awareness is the only service, is only you.

Yes, Itamar, want to come for 30 seconds? You can come for longer. Hello most everyone. And also, can I be heard? Yes, good. So also, when Guruji has spoken about this 'I Am That I Am' from the Old Testament, so I hope I'm remembering this correctly. But so Moses, the story is when Moses basically in the desert meets the burning bush where the bush is not burned. And then I think he's given an elaborate mission, and then he asks, 'What do I tell these people? Who sent me?' And the answer is in Hebrew: 'Ehyeh asher ehyeh.' So somehow 'I Am That I Am' is a bit of a like taking a multi-dimensional something and flattening it out to something so supposedly single dimension. So in common Hebrew, if I ask a child, 'What would you be when you'd be big?' he'd say, 'Ani ehyeh.' 'I'll be a pilot' or 'I'll do something.' So this word 'ehyeh' has this future thing. So hard to describe it. 'I am what I am that I am,' but also 'I'll do whatever I'll be' or something. It's difficult to describe, but it's like something's missing in 'I Am That I Am' in the translation.

Dharma is here. You can speak now, my dear. Namaste. Namaste everybody. Can you hear me? I just want to sort of expose a few things that happened. I haven't watched the satsang for a long time, so I don't know the flow, you know? But I just wanted to speak with something really basic. And so basically, I think I'm doing okay with myself these days, seeing it come back from Rishikesh, you know, and kind of so meditate and doing some work, and it was good. Yeah. But actually, these days there was something come up. Actually, I was kind of... I was dating with someone like just yesterday. Basically, we kind of, you know, talked a little bit and then we met. And after the date—I mean, this is like my very first time, you know—so I mean, there was a lot of things triggered because there was an unconscious fear that from my life I had observed many relationships, even with the one in the Sangha, where I can see that I'm someone who is really like smart and, you know, really wise, but when they got into those kind of relationship things, they got like suffering and painful and, you know, it really started to see. And there is like a fear in me that I was messed up, you know? I mean, I don't know what you do, but there is some occasion there and I just couldn't resist, so I go for it. And I don't know, I think... and then suddenly I remembered you, you know? I mean, you were here always. I can just come find you and, you know, maybe I just want maybe to ask for your blessing maybe, or maybe you can speak to me something about these things because it's kind of invading my mind in these days and I feel it's pretty strong. And yeah, I just don't want to mess up and I'm being open and I don't know what to do. So yeah, I just wanted to ask for your blessing perhaps.

And no, I'm 22 all right now already. Can you see this? I'll speak, otherwise it will be a bit broken. Oh, okay. I say, yeah. So you said that you have a fear that you hope that you don't mess up. More important is to recognize that as long as it is a phenomenal relationship like this, there are going to be mess-ups. Mess-ups are inevitable and mess-ups will happen from both sides, which you have to be very forgiving to yourselves and you have to be forgiving of the other. Because what happens is that when we get into these relationships, there is politically differences of opinion, different ideas that both of us carry. And when I deal with the different in the play of the world, it can seem like some clash can happen because of different ideas. So recognize that this will happen in the relationship between any two people, but it can seem like it is much more strong, much more hurtful, much more difficult when it is in such an intimate close relationship like boyfriend-girlfriend or husband-wife. These kind of relationships, it can seem like it is a lot of suffering, a lot of pain can come because of things.

But you have to just be forgiving, allow yourselves your mistakes, know that mistakes are going to happen, and don't be too much caught up in trying to be right. Just remember that all of this is conceptual, so actually there is no right or wrong. And most of the arguments or toppling relationships comes because one is trying to prove that they are right and another is trying to say that no, they are. So don't be so concerned about trying to be right all the time. Allow things to flow. And even if you recognize that there are some wrong notions which your partner might seem to have, wrong perceptions about you or the world, don't be too much in a rush to fix it. You can point them out gently. You can knock gently and see if there's openness to that kind of conversation, and then you can start pointing things out. But also remember that you have to be as open. The more open you are, you will find that even your partner is open in all relationships. And it might sound a bit, but he has trained to see Maya or this grace.

All my blessings. There was one friend who is, of course, much older than you. He was staying with me at one point. So he said that the relationship happened, so much grace was flowing, so much grace was flowing, everything was great. But now see where he had come. And I reminded him that everything is great actually. It is not that grace was flowing only then and now it is not. So remember that everything that is happening, it's grace for both of you. And ultimately all of it is providing you so much opportunity for a recognition of the truth, for self-inquiry. So as much as you can—it is not 100% possible in any relationship to go completely open—but go as much open as possible. I mean, your relationship be like the relationship that space can have with space or air can have with air. So much joy will come even in the apologizing after the mess-up. You can feel like, 'No, no, I don't want to do that.' You find so much sweetness is there. I think then when you look back at relationships, you will see that those moments are also very sweet. So don't worry about not messing up. You are going to. But all your satsang, all your insights about yourself become a news because the ego, the mind, will try to use you to convince you that you are an individual and you are right. Many times it will come to convince you that you are right and thereby convincing you that you are a person, that you are an individual. And this is where your satsang will help. Sometimes in moments of anger or moments of high intensity, some angry words will be spoken from either side. It is a part of a great relationship. But then when that is gone and you are back to your spaciousness, then...

The mind will try to use you to convince you that you are an individual and you are right. Many times it will come to convince you that you are right, and thereby convincing you that you are a person, that you are an individual. This is where your satsang will help. Sometimes in moments of anger or moments of high intensity, some angry words will be spoken from either side. It is a part of a great relationship. But then when that is gone and you are back to your spaciousness, then don't hold on to this idea: 'No, no, I was right to do that' or 'She was wrong to do this to me.' Be quick to apologize, quick to forgive. Let me wish you the very best in this new relationship and in bringing so much light into your life. Did you want to speak something more? Am I making you mine? Okay.

Actually, thank you, Father. I just want to expose, because last time I had given you know, it feels like I have laid down some really big expectations about this couple to me. The first one is like, I want her to know about those kind of spirituality things, like meeting you, because I mean, it is so important for me. And you know, I found myself living like closed in the corner and trying to sort of like introduce her to this. But I know that it's really hard because even with my family, I can't do it until now. And along with that, it seems like there is some super irritated feelings because I know it was kind of a thing, you know, so I'm higher than everyone because I'm spiritual and stuff. And I just want to speak it out. And also, there is a fear of messing up. But also sometimes I see those really nice kind of relationships in the Sangha and they post it in social media, you know? And I have the hope that yeah, maybe I can do something different. You know, it doesn't have to be painful over time. Like, I can have a really sweet relationship for my whole life and die peacefully and recognize the truth together, and it will be so good. And yeah, so those two things, though, it is kind of expectations, it's really big. And yeah, I just want to expose that here.

I want to say something which will save you a lot of trouble. Actually, if someone had told me this when I got married or when I started to become spiritual, if somebody had told me immediately, I feel like a lot of trouble could have been saved. Of course, I see all of that was also great, but since you are here now, I will use this opportunity to tell you this: You must be responsive to how open she is in that moment, you see? You must never try to make somebody more spiritual or tell them about something greater that you know. You must have a sense of how much resonance is there. That's why I say that with a loved one, we must move very gently, very gently, and see if there is some resonance, if something is being heard.

Now, you heard this probably, what happened here a few years ago. What happened many years ago was that as I started getting into the inquiry and getting into spirituality, then my wife, she would sometimes have a bad day at work. And this is the one instance which I really remember because I was really being a spiritual jerk at that time. Yes. So what would happen is that she would come from a bad day at work and say, 'You know, this one said this to me, and this happened, and I asked them to get this done and they were just not doing it,' using these kind of things. And I would say, 'So, who is I?' And she would get really upset because she was expecting to speak to her husband about her problems. She was not even expecting a solution. You see, the other mistake that I've seen in relationships is that one can seem like they are always offering solutions, but actually what they are looking for is just some understanding, resonance, that 'Ah, you had to go through this, I'm really sorry you had a bad day.' Instead of that, if you go in and say, 'Can you investigate who is the one who had the bad day?' it can seem like a lack of compassion, actually. And it might not be a real intent, but I mean, there is some specialness, like you mentioned, that 'I have something special with me, let me show how we can be in a good life.' When we have that kind of arrogance hidden somewhere, then all this can come this way.

Actually, they say very beautifully, I think it was something Kabir Ji said, that it could be that every word that you're saying is true. It could be that every word that you're saying is true, but you could still be a jerk. So how is that possible? Only when we are not operating in that moment with resonance to what is, or it is trying to show that we have a solution or we have some better understanding of life. This does not mean that you have to become cheap and hide your own truth. It's a fine balance in a way. You don't have to be like, 'She can say no, no, also God is in my mind all the time,' you see, this kind of thing. You don't have to say things like that. You can say that 'I found a lot of peace in me discovering that I am beyond this body, beyond this person,' but many times in which I still identify as this. So you can be truly honest and never put your partner down for her truth as she is experiencing it at that point of time.

One time I even went to, before I met Guruji, I used to visit Mooji very often, you know this. So at one time I even asked him, I said to him, 'This inquiry, by coming to this recognition, is bringing so much happiness. But when I speak to my wife, she just doesn't want to do any of this. She doesn't understand. What should I do?' So he told me something which also helped a lot. He said, 'Wait for her to come to you.' This is something that is true for any interaction in life, any relationship in life. And you'll find that usually I don't speak so much about these things unless I'm invited. So you'll find that that will really, really be something that will help the relationship because our partners are always good at smelling where something is coming from. If they get a whiff of specialness or arrogance, then quickly it can be very hurtful.

Here is something else. Okay, I think it's good enough. And I mean, I still have these big expectations about you know, this existing forever happy relationship. But anyway, I just open them and I listen to your advice. And also, thank you, Father.

Don't have too many expectations because that can create a big burden. If your benchmark is really high, then when this opening happens, when some tension happens, when some trouble happens, then you can feel like you compared against that, you see? So nobody will say, just try to have a very normal, regular relationship. And if it turns out that it is the best forever relationship, then that is a great thing. But if you put so much pressure on it and say that it has to be the world's best, forever-lasting thing, unlike other relationships that you have seen, then it can create some sort of unnatural expectation. I know that when we are young, of course, everyone gets into a relationship hoping that it is going to be the best ever, and that's not a bad thing. It's this feeling of the love that you're experiencing being the strongest that you can feel for anyone. All this is very good. Just in the way of how it should function on a day-to-day basis, don't burden it with too much high expectation. And look at all of this as advice from a man with some gray hair, very spiritual advice, having gone through this phase in my life.

Actually, at one time Guruji was getting so many relationship questions in Tiruvannamalai that Guruji had a satsang on relationships. See if you can find that. If you can't find it, we will look for you. I don't know if you've seen that already, but there is a specific satsang Guruji had on relationships itself so that he could deal with all the relationship questions and answers, and it is available on YouTube. If you don't find it, we will find it. That should be very helpful. Now, let's talk about what you were speaking to me about this, but I just wanted to be from my experience. I can say it seems like something maybe changed since then. Usually, when I don't follow the thoughts and just remain as being, I usually just experience peace and spaciousness. But sometimes it feels like I would like to experience this knowingness. It feels like... okay, first let me repeat what you said.

So you are saying, 'When I let go of my thoughts, don't follow them, and just remain with my presence, a lot of peace and joy can come, but I want to go through the experience of knowingness.' Is this what you mean? This knowingness which is not one with the quality? Yeah, it seems like in the past I have experienced this, but now it just feels like now it's different, you know?

Actually, all of what you say is included in that too, isn't it? Because there is a witness of this person, there is an awareness of this existence, and there is a knowingness that in this existence all these flavors are coming. That knowingness itself, does it have any quality? When you look now, that which knows your existence, does that have any quality?

When I ask existence, I take it as what I perceive. So now it would be my peace and spaciousness.

Okay, so let's look for that. I say, 'Try to stop being,' and there's a very natural sense which is beyond the sensation of peace and joy, just that 'I exist.' In that moment...

I think what I exist is whatever I experience, and that would be...

But also you see that these experiences are coming and going and changing in quality moment by moment. That which is the basis for their coming and waning, that is the one. And this one, I want to... it feels like I want to really make all of this pure and without any other attributes, to experience this.

Yes, but it's more that you are having that experience, but more naturally than you think it should be. Because whether you say 'I am angry' or whether you say 'I am peaceful,' the 'I am' has experience without any quality. Now what you are saying is that there should be a condition that no other quality is arising. Maybe because in the past, having these experiences when I contemplate that I experience somehow myself as this non-quality, and now it feels like sometimes I can even move around and really be in this, like consciously experiencing this quality. But now it came from without quality, being alive. Where is the list? Where is the list?

Suppose you come with a mala now because you've been in that recognition of what you are naturally. This one, peace, is coming, is coming. But I don't want it. It feels like I'm not... because peace can come and go throughout the day. Spaciousness can come and go. So I don't really want to say, 'Oh, that's fine.' This is because many times throughout the day I don't feel this, I feel different stuff in it. So sometimes there is no sensation and it's fine. Actually, even when there's no peace and it's fine, there is only a lot of attention on the body. Even experiencing thoughts is fine, but there is no peace. If you were to ask yourself, 'Can I stop being?' that would be done. I would be asking, 'Can this body stop being?' So who is that? Are you saying that your being includes just the sensations of this body? There is something more basic than that. In those moments when attention is on the partner, it's experienced that that's all there is.

Okay, so let's come back to now. Are you aware that you exist? Straight away attention goes to what is experienced in there again, that spaciousness, and that's basically a very subtle body sensation. That's fine. So include everything where attention goes. And are you aware of the existence? Do you experience spaciousness in there, subtle body experience, whatever the experience might be? Yes, you are aware of this experience. Whatever you might be perceiving, you are aware of the perception. In this moment, the awareness and where I take it to be, so for some reason, where do I...

To what is experienced in there, again, that's patience, and that's basically a very subtle body sensation. That's fine, so include everything. Where the attention goes, are you aware of the existence? You might experience it with spaciousness in there, subtle body experience, whatever the experience might be. Yes, you are aware of this experience. Whatever you might be perceiving, you are aware of the perception. This moment, there is awareness, and where I take it to be, so for some reason, where do I experience? Like you must say, what is awareness? In this moment, there is an experience. Now that experience went away, and even that you are aware of. Like the sound of the ambulance is an experience that you were aware of. Now you see that there is no experience like that sound of the ambulance, so that awareness is not gone, but that experience is gone.

You know, it's more subtle. It's like, again, the outcome of it, it's very light in the body of what I speak in. So usually I refer a lot to the outcome of what is being guided and able to me.

My advice would be to, as much as possible, don't bother with outcome because that will become a habit. You keep looking at the coconut and saying, 'What's happening to the ocean?' So you're aware of experiences and you are aware even when that experience goes away. During this, that which is aware, is that itself an experience? Like, want me to say it is? You are aware of the experience; that experience is not aware of you. This 'you' that is aware of the experience, how, what is the taste of that?

It's just you, just with knowingness but without explanation. Somehow vacuum is knowingness, but without explanation. The closest is knowingness.

Exactly. Something, something wants to settle on it and like experience it, but it's never possible because there is no phenomenal taste of this knowingness. Really, non-experiential experience is the only one we can have. I am aware that I'm aware. That awareness is here, and this awareness has no taste, has no quality, has no attribute. But some forces, somehow, it is known, yet at the same time, it is not known. It's only experienced.

So this knowingness will become more apparent. You try keeping track of it, yeah. So now, when throughout the day when I'm into this, when I have time, what I feel like is nothing to do and I just do nothing. Or another more, actually, when I'm actually in the body more, I'm really experiencing these body sensations. And what is the best way of... because the moment it's morning, in a good way, impacting in my memory whenever I experience something really deeply in the body, but no, it's not true. And somehow it helps as well. You know it's not true. What is what you experience? The deeper truth is actually being experienced. It's somehow known, you know, but not as...

Now what you're finding as you're inside in satsang, you find that these insights don't actually give you... when I said don't worry about it, it was because we will become very feverish about that. It's a natural expansion that will happen. That's why they're here in satsang, actually. Most of the things I'm saying is to come to this insight, and that much itself is more than enough in a day.

It's true. And it actually, after, you can spend the whole day or even the week and there is just deep knowing. And even without experiencing something, you can experience whatever. It's just deep knowing that everything is fine above this. So just basically confirming this one more, at least itself is more than enough. But whenever it feels natural, not too forceful, even with the rest of the team, because many I feel are also struggling, struggling with the same. That in the middle of a relationship issue, then you're trying to force too much, and then you say, 'I am always just this.' All of this movement of the world and for the spoken in his mouth and the phenomenal experiences having had all of this, just on the surface it feels like sometimes it's good to confirm. Like even now it's confirmed, but sometimes it's just...

And you can always come. Don't feel like... it's fine. But at the same time, you have said that this unchanging... I'm saying at least in satsang, let's take that time. Because what happens is many times we also come to satsang and we want to address the phenomenal aspect of ourself and we are looking for solutions for that. So when you teach, many times we'll start saying this in the beginning of it, that at least for... let's give this a taste. It's time to this school might...

Sometimes there is all spontaneous arts too, and sometimes there is a little effort to move away from other things, distraction and after. Because otherwise what can happen is the mind can create this, the counter-position, and there can be a deletion of this sense of negativity. When we think, 'Why are you anything like that?' it becomes a part of our condition. I have seen that when you say that you don't have to do, what my mind takes up that position is 'don't do this.' Just wanted to clarify as there is no pushing, which makes me so peaceful. And this one also, like a child, sometimes as a parent, you have children asking for cakes and sweets, you know. You know, they're not so rigid about what should we be watching this... it's not become like that, but just like free in some way.

Some sort of guidance which is coming now is to say the life of this will see that anyway. You're seeing, starting to see already, that all these movements are happening on their own. The one that is clinging to some control is truly no more. But I know that as long as it seems like we have some choices, it seems like that you will do something, we can move towards a higher choice. But if you do sometimes the intelligent something which seemed like the lower choice is to forget about it and you selfish.

I had taken the 'not making an effort' because as well have been clarifying also over the past few weeks that not... it's more not applicable and to do or not to do. The neutrality which I'm speaking of is a lot more applicable than saying 'should I do this or not do this.' My mind only understands these opposites. They're saying that you don't have to do anything, so therefore it will not do it. Somebody came to Guru also once and said, 'I am not the doer.' Why you ask me to become like a position of not doing? That's a non-dual... she was a... independent teaching can be quite confusing because 'I'm just not going to do anything spiritual, I am just going to, you know, watch TV and sit on my bed.' But sitting on the bed really not doing is also doing. So if we come to that place of neutrality, able to see that I'm just... like we have a choice and make the choice to not believe the next thought. That's unconditioned. Except you leave me and go, I'm killed. Emotion, then even the opposite position along with it, then we come to this, this witnessing. What should I do next? If it's all on the... they don't have to do, so I can watch a movie. But that's also a notion because we are doing all of the notions. Some kind of inquiring actions of ammonia and it's all seem to be this tap. It's very light now.

There's also grace because it makes a deeper investigation. We're doing this the first time you hear you are not the doer. You feel like in the world is a world of activities. Activity is unceasing. Even sitting down is an activity in life. So activities are unceasing. It is the same source whether I am doing or not doing the activity. Its flow now, in a way, because that individual I had this, had these attributes, desiring, pollen sister. Now it is on their own, doing or not doing this part of the activity of the world. And all that activities of the world happening actually. So there are points out that there are three sons to do, relationships, this, there's one more that happening educate and also recently won a massage. Now break this Macedonian. Thank you all so much for being in satsang today. Mooji Baba. Only one tonight is Twitter, but what I want to say was, do you want to sing? We have some special.