Sharing Satsang - Aparna's Report - 15 May 2015

Okay, Aparna, my dear, you can come. Thank you, Father. Sorry, I didn't feel like this, and since morning, contemplations are going on, Father. Every thought which comes up, it's been now a check that these thoughts are not mine. There is no identification also going on. And something in the morning when I was there sitting, then it came up that anything which is fresh in the now only can be, you know, given attention to; otherwise, everything is from the past or something into the future. So it doesn't make any sense to me. I don't want these things, anything but now. Okay, I'm happy to look at it. These things came up and there is like also kind of—I don't know what to say—but I can't close my eyes and sit and contemplate that meditation part. No, even if I think that there is like a sense of 'who am I?' I'm not here or something, you know? I don't know how to explain that, Father, but it doesn't... I'm confused. There's a confusion kind of thing also.

I've noticed since morning today that I don't have any plan for the day. Even though I was thinking in the mind, 'I have to do this, this, this,' honestly, I don't know what I'm doing. The mind is saying something, but the body is doing something. I had some plan to do; I ended up doing nothing but sitting at home and just listening to one of the Mooji videos or something. I was just doing something, and I was like, 'Why is this happening to me?' It's like a moment then now. Very strange today, Father, never like this I felt before. Only it's in the now, now, now. There's no... for me, I am not able to plan it. I usually plan at least not for like tomorrow, but for the day what I have to do because I've got a little girl, I have to think. But for her, whatever I have to deal with her, those things are getting done. But when I'm thinking about myself, there is nothing happening. It's just there, then whatever it has, it's automatically happening. I can't go with what my mind is saying. So that was also like, 'What is happening?' I don't know.

Then contemplations, Self-inquiry—I don't know what is happening there. I feel like, 'Who am I? Where am I going? What is happening?' Also, I wanted to bring up this issue like yesterday, like how Ishu Ji said she wants to not be in the group, even Ram also talking about these concepts picked up from Satsang. And then it was automatically going on, 'See, everyone is leaving. See, everyone is leaving.' But I'm very like, 'Well, then, you know, if they're going, let them go. But where will I go?' No, I don't know. For some reason, it was automatically picked up, but I was just... also immediately there's a coming up like, 'Okay, these are not real, you know? These thoughts are not here.' All these things were coming up. So it actually, you know, like it comes up and it cancels out itself. Like comes and goes, comes and goes. So there's no identification attached, but these things are happening. And this level... even now, I feel like crying, Father. I don't know, there's still that energy is there inside, feels like crying.

I don't know what... when I close my eyes and sit down, I don't know where I am, what I'm doing, nothing. I know that I finally gave up the attachment I had. Only attachment on my daughter and my father both me up now and it won't have also I have... I don't notice future, I don't know what is gonna happen tomorrow, nothing. I know past, I don't know what is going on. Also, it's I am like a blank, confused state I am, Father. I have no idea why I am like this, what is going on. I can't figure out anything. This is actually making the mind more frustrated, I think so. Maybe that's why I feel like crying because, you know, sometimes you feel like helpless. You don't know what is going on. Helpless, this kind of situation I am in. For all I know is, okay, take my daughter to school, come back, eat, watch videos, give Satsang—that's all my life is about, Father. There is nothing other than this. But I feel so peaceful to be in the solitude. I just can't... I think I've been longing for this for ages. So peaceful, just can't... what to say? Exchange this for anything in the world. Nothing I want other than this is what I've got at the moment. I don't know about love and God, but definitely the peace is it. That is what I am after, which I've got. I admit that I am so grateful for that now. What I don't know, Father, I'm just saying whether it's a good report or bad report, I have no idea.

What to say? Very right now. This is not-knowing. You will get used to it, you see. The mind feels it is terrible: 'I don't know what's going on, what is the future going to be like, I'm not doing anything.' And you get used to this not-knowing. And like you say, then every moment is so fresh and here. This moment, everything is available. The mind will come and say all kinds of things. I'm trying to discover what's going to happen. Satsang stops, everyone leaves, what is going to happen? I don't feel everyone is leaving. In fact, this vibe is growing every day, every time. There will be something where they will be leaving, will be coming; all this can go on. But this beautiful Sangha, even phenomenally, this is growing every day. It is very beautiful. And I am not going anywhere. If it's only just you and me in Satsang in the Hangout, I have no trouble with that. Very beautiful report, full of honesty, integrity. I like very much.