It Feels Like It's Happening to 'Me' - 10 Feb. 2015

But if there's this feeling that something is happening to me, then also very simple: where is the me? Then we find a me—it's just the collection of this body and mind, the thoughts and feelings together.

But it feels like there is now—it feels like there is something that is trying not to be a me, or it's like a person trying not to be a person.

No, what happens is that all it does through all of this resistance, it just prevents you from trying to look, because it knows that the instant you look, you will not find this ego. You will not find the person. So all the thoughts will be like, 'No, no, I just want to know it. I don't want to see.' You see? 'I just should know it already by now. There is no me should be a concept which should be clear.' So in this trying to have a concept which is already clear, what is it that tries to prevent the inquiry? The inquiry is the simplest looking, simplest: 'Am I aware now?' or 'Who am I?' Is that difficult? No, it's not difficult. And yet through times during the day, maybe during non-Satsang times, you find great resistance to this simple inquiry, isn't it? 'No, no, no, this I know, I'm awareness, but still something...' Just the mind speaking. All this can happen, no?

So as long as these resistances are appearing, and this resistance appears as the mind pretending to know something now, see? And if you give leverage, if you give belief to this mind, then this will become the spiritual ego. You must see and make sure that you're not buying any of this rubbish. Just to simply check. It says, the mind says, 'It feels like something is happening to me.' So then you say, 'Okay, let me check which me is it happening to.' Don't take its word for anything. And it's not effort, actually. The mind paints a picture of it as if it is some effort to do. It is not effort; it is just a simple looking. And in the simple looking, I can guarantee you, you will not find a me—at least not a personal me. You might find the presence I am. You might find that there is a presence here which is unmoving and yet completely unassociated with any of the mind tricks, whatever the mind might be saying.

So to say that is me is fine, but to say that the imagined me or the invented me is me is trouble. So don't even believe when it says, 'Oh, but it sure feels like, you know, it sure feels like there is a me.' It doesn't. It's just the interpretation of the mind itself.

So now it feels—it's a sense safe in again. The body is strong and that's what's drawing that... oh, that's more than the thoughts. It's that's what's saying, 'Oh, that's me. That feels like something happened there,' you know? And it's still—it's the same reaction I had weeks ago. It's like that feels offended when they're like, 'Oh, there's no me and nothing happened.'

Let's find this energy now and let's hear it saying, 'Oh, this is me. This is the one that's talking.' No, it's still the mind which is talking. The energy might be pulsating, you see? It might be pulsating, but it is the interpreter, the trickster, which quickly comes and says, 'You see, this energy is saying it's you. It's me, it's me.' Can you see? Like this, it plays the trick like this. It tries to make a correlation between what is felt energetically with this concept of personhood. But the energy is not happening to you, and the energy is definitely not you. It might—you might say it arises within you, but you cannot say that it is you. If you were not, then where would the energy be? It wouldn't be here. So what comes first? You must be there, and then all this energetic appearance can follow.

So you are still that you. You are still this pure awareness. You're the same as you were in the sleep state. You are the same as you were when this body was not born, and you will stay the same when this body goes also. Because it happens every night. Who are you in your sleep? There is something which says that there is nothing in sleep. Who knows this nothing also? Who knows there is nothing in sleep? And if it was not there in sleep, how does it know that there is nothing? So to you, actually, in reality, it does not matter what appearance, what energy—none of it is actually happening to this real you. It is only the voice of the mind saying that this is happening to you. You don't have to make it more hard work than it is. It's the simplest thing. In trying to get something, you make it harder than it is. It is already here. The truth is here. I don't even want to say 'don't move' because even that is taken as effort, you see. Suppose it was nothing. No pointing at all. Not even 'don't believe your...' just nothing.

There's something very subtle inside that's still trying to get something.

Yes, that can keep trying. But is it you? You are aware of it, but is it you? You say, 'It's a part of me.' It seems like it's a part. Where? Where is it attached to you? In the body? Where in the body is it? Also there, can I find it? You were saying also the other day, isn't it, that many times you say that, 'Oh, this fear is in my heart,' but if you ask a biologist, he'll say it's all happening in the brain. So where is it? It's a mind saying something about another sensation. Just the mind. It's like we handed over our life to this three-year-old. A three-year-old who doesn't know anything, but we handed over our life to it and it says, 'Oh, but this I want, this I don't want,' and it throws tantrums and does all sorts of things, and we've given over all power to this one. It's always the simplest thing not to pick up any of this. Not to pick up any of this mind stuff. There is no trouble now. You're working really too hard to find some trouble.

It feels very... in the moments when I acknowledge relief, it feels unnatural or it's so new that it's like I... oh, it feels something feels like—I don't know how to explain—it feels different.

Yes, there's no trouble that feels different. See, this one is playing a trick on you because even this one who wants to acknowledge relief is not you.

Yeah, I think I thought that was me because it's something I wanted for so long.

Yes, and this 'I' who wanted is who? Who is the one who wanted freedom also? Who is this one? What can you truly say is I? What can you truly say is I?

See, I don't—I don't know right now.

Let's find out right now. Let's look. Who are you right now? What are the options? Okay, let's start easy. What are the options for what all you could be?

Like this collection of sensations in the body.

Okay, so let's start with the easy options. Can you be this outer world which is outside the body? No. Okay, so that one seems clear. This body is just all the stuff you've eaten. It's just made up of all the stuff you've eaten, this one. And you don't truly believe that you are this, because the body in this moment is not saying anything at all. The body is just this innocent instrument, unconcerned about whatever is happening.

Because I see from inside here and everything is perceived from inside. So it's like there must be something in here that's me.

But where inside? Inside where? Are you inside where? In the head? Yeah? Then when you go to sleep and you have a dream, you're inside where? Inside that head or still inside this head? Why does it seem like that? Because this nose is appearing and these cheeks seem to be appearing here, and there seems to be something—there seems to be a 'me' sitting inside this. Just visually it's being seen from here.

Yes, it seems like it's the perspective from here, isn't it?

Yes, but then if I were to really look, if I were to open up your head and see, 'Okay, where do I find this person?' Where will I find it? And you've seen that it's completely possible to have this perspective in different, different ways. So in the dream you can have many dream...

And these cheeks seem to be appearing here, and there seems to be something, there seems to be a 'me' sitting inside this. Just visually, it's being seen from here. Yes, it seems like it's the perspective from here, isn't it? Yes. But then if I were to really look, if I were to open up your head and see, okay, where do I find this person? Where will I find it? And you've seen that it's completely possible to have this perspective in different, different ways. So in the dream, you can have many dream bodies, many different appearances, and it all seems like you're from here. And then sometimes when you have some deeply meditative experiences, you can say, 'Oh, I had an out-of-body experience,' so my perspective changed and I was floating somewhere else and my perspective was completely from there. Is it like saying that I must be the virtual reality headset because it seems like, you know, the perspective is from that Oculus system?

And actually, if you really—you heard me say, isn't it?—that if you really believe that you are this body, then complain as a body. What is the body complaining about? Just be the body. Just be only the body and tell me what it's saying. Is the body concerned about any thought which is coming and going? Is the body really concerned about any thought? Then at the body, you can have no trouble, you see. If the body is not concerned about the thought, then who is?

Thoughts. Yeah, so a thought is concerned about another thought. But there is something—does the body have the power to believe the thought? Yes. If I say I'm scared, then there's a reaction in the body.

That makes a reaction. There could be a reaction and then the thought could come, 'I'm scared.' Or the thought 'I'm scared' could come and then the reaction could come. But how is the thought believed by the body? How is the body even listening to these thoughts? And how is the body deciding 'I will believe this' or 'I won't believe this'? How is it deciding? If the body didn't believe the thoughts—say if I said, 'Oh, I'm scared' and then I feel the reactions—then how is it creating that reaction?

Yeah, so if you're presuming that the reaction was the result of the thought, I'm saying that they were two unrelated events. They were just in this appearance meant to happen like this to create the appearance of this body-mind having an individual existence. Because sometimes the reaction can come first and then you say, 'Oh, I must be scared.' Sometimes the thought comes first. Who can say? Just a series of unrelated events. But we say—you know what the fallacy is called? It's post hoc ergo propter hoc, which means just because something follows something, we say that it must be a result of that. So you're saying that suppose the thought came 'I'm scared' and there was no belief given to it, then no reaction would come. Is that your experience?

I don't know.

So this power of belief is much more primal; it is even prior to the body. Because when you wake up, there's a sense of waking up of a 'me,' of a sense 'I am,' and then this body is seen. So it seems like 'I am' this body. First there is 'I am' and then there is 'I am the body,' not the other way around. There must be 'I am' which is the body, and the body is completely not concerned. Who wants freedom? Does the body want freedom? Self-realization? Who wants to learn something new? Who wants to come to satsang or not come to satsang? Who is this one?

You see, because ultimately we might say that I am the body, but actually you have this feeling that 'this is my body.' It's with a sense of ownership that 'I own this body.' You do not really say that 'I am this body.' 'My body is like this, my body is like that. I wish my body would get better. What will I be when I leave this body?' We say like this, isn't it? If you truly, truly believe that you are just this body, then you know it has to end someday. So freedom for what? This body is there; this body won't be there one day. It's a very simple life. The body doesn't want anything. It doesn't want money, doesn't want relationship, doesn't want freedom. Even pain, the body is not saying it doesn't want. Actually, I don't know if this is too subtle for you to see right now, but even the pain, the body is not resisting. It's still only the mind which is resisting. So I see no trouble if you really firmly believe you are the body. Then very good, no trouble. Then tell me the problem.

There wouldn't be us.

So ultimately we must see that there is this concept of 'me' that I have believed, this idea of 'me' as a person who was concerned about so many things. You've not said this in a while, but the person is just a bunch of ideas, a bunch of concepts. 'I'm like this, I'm artistic, I'm this way, I'm nice, I'm honest.' All this is words from where? These ideas, isn't it? The body is not concerned with any of these. But it seems like the person idea is just made up of these small, small ideas which have been put together to construct in the mind, to construct the idea of a person.

So if you were an artist and I were to say your paintings are just horrible—suppose you were an artist and I say your paintings are just terrible—you know, it would pinch you, isn't it? But the body is not affected by how the paintings are. So what is getting hurt by it is only this sense of identity. And suppose that you had no identity around being an artist; it doesn't matter if you say the paintings are horrible. Who is this one? It's just a clump of these ideas or identities. And as long as you're not picking up any of these ideas, it's fine. So if you tell me that 'I'm convinced I'm the body,' no problem. But I know it cannot be so, otherwise you would not be in satsang.

It feels like, um—now this is—it feels like, um, there's a sensation of like, uh, like being a bit disoriented.

Yes, yes. This wobbliness can be there. This wobbliness can be there because, like I say, it seems like I don't have legs to stand on now. It's a little uncomfortable because earlier what used to happen is I used to feel troubled about something and I could quickly pick up a concept, even a concept like 'don't worry, things will become better sometime.' Many times it happens like this, you see. Many come to satsang expecting me to say, 'Don't worry, everything will become better.' But I don't say like that. We're just feeding another concept. We're not waiting for the appearances to get better; we're waiting just to see if you are something which can be affected by better or not better. So this is freedom. So this wobbliness, it can seem a little uncomfortable. It can feel a little bit disorienting to begin with.

I actually feel very strongly like I want to go and vomit.

Yes, this much I've not seen so far. Yeah, but I see as this—it feels like my head is going to explode or my body is going to explode. I've seen those. Vomiting is a new one for me. Add that to the list of byproducts of satsang. So these feelings can be there. These feelings can come. But this freedom that we are speaking of is not relying on even these feelings. The presence or absence of any feeling—awareness is not concerned by it. What's it saying now?

Yeah, it's just that it's like if I feel like I can't hook to the body and then it's—it just feels, yeah, like—

But don't pick up this 'I.' This 'I' who can't hook to the body. Don't pick up this one who's saying 'I can't hook to the body.' Not Consciousness and not awareness; it's still only the mind. It can be tricky like this, tricky like this.

I just want to run away.

This one, this 'I,' this one will make you run away. That's all it can offer you right now because it's stuck now. It's stuck, badly stuck. Obviously the mind will want to run. He's being crushed, you see. He's being crushed to pieces. All his dominance is now seen to be nothing at all. It has been revealed that the emperor has no clothes on. So the emperor will want to run only. We had this whole make-believe thing that the emperor is wearing the best clothes, but now you have exposed it. So what will this false emperor want to do? It'll only want to run. There is something very deep about this story, you see. The collective delusion that all of us seem to have to give this person a reality, and then a young child in a non-sense says, 'But no, he has no clothes on.' There is no person.

Something like, uh, it feels like, 'Oh, now I have to let go of my grievances.'

Must? Don't let go. Okay, don't let go of your grievances. Just let go of the 'I.' Just let go of this 'I' that doesn't want to let go of the grievances. Then the grievances can stay. Let's see how long they last. This 'I' is purely imagined. It's just fiction. Tell me one thing which is truly tangible about this 'I.' See the 'I' in that. So you cannot find one thing which is tangible about this 'I,' but still we dance to all the tunes of this 'I.' 'I want this, I don't want this, I want my grievances, I don't want something else.' It's all like this. You can find nothing about this 'I.'

There is a feeling of being like, right now, of squirming.

Yes, but you can't rely on feelings also, just like you can't rely on any thought. Let the feeling come, let the feeling go, but see that you are just a simple awareness which is untouched by this feeling also. Because if you try to control your state—nobody can control your state, which feelings come, which feelings go. And if your freedom is going to be dependent on feeling, if your freedom is going to be dependent on feeling, then what kind of freedom would that be? What will convince you that you are free? What should happen? How are you bound right now? Who feels that they are bound? Let's see if you can find any bondage in this entire satsang. So not to be dependent on any state: the state of the body, the state of feelings, the state of emotions, the state of thoughts. If you keep relying on these states, then how will it do? Do you feel that the ones, the bodybuilders, the best bodies, best in shape bodies—do you feel that they are free from suffering? Doesn't happen. Why? If they are the body, then they have the best body, best in shape. Why are they not free? Because they have some other desire, they have some other want. And you yourself said, 'Okay, body seems to be getting better, but now the mind is being tricky again.' I see you and I see freedom, but I can't control what you believe. Who are you without your belief? Who are you without any story?