In Relationship, Everything Is Grace - 9th February 2018

So you said that you have a fear that you hope that you don't mess up. More important is to recognize that as long as it is a phenomenal relationship like this, there are going to be mess-ups. Mess-ups are inevitable and mess-ups will happen from both sides, which you have to be very forgiving to yourselves and you have to be forgiving of the other. Because what happens is that when we get into these relationships, there are differences of opinion, different ideas that both of us are carrying. And when ideas are different in the play of the world, it can seem like some clash can happen because of different ideas. So recognize that this will happen in the relationship between any two people, but it can seem like it is much more strong, more hurtful, much more difficult when it is in such an intimate, close relationship like boyfriend-girlfriend or husband-wife. These kind of relationships, it can seem like it is a lot of suffering; a lot of pain can come because of things. But you have to just be forgiving, allow yourselves your mistakes, know that mistakes are going to happen, and don't be too much caught up in trying to be right. Just remember that all of this is conceptual, so actually there is no right or wrong. And most of the arguments or toppling relationships comes because one is trying to prove that they are right and another is trying to say that no. So don't be so concerned about trying to be right all the time. Allow things to flow, and even if you recognize that there are some wrong notions which your partner might seem to have—wrong perceptions about you or the world—don't be too much in a rush to fix it. You can point them out gently, you can knock gently and see if there's openness to that kind of conversation, and then you can start pointing things out.

But also remember that you have to be as open. I was speaking to a friend who is of course much older than you. He was saying that when the relationship happened, so much Grace was flowing, so much Grace was flowing, everything was great. But now see where he had come. And I reminded him that everything is Grace actually. It is not that Grace was flowing only then and now it is not. So remember that everything that is happening is Grace for both of you, and ultimately all of it is providing you so much opportunity for a recognition of the truth, for your self-inquiry. So as much as you can—it is not 100% possible in any relationship to go completely open—but go as much open as possible. I mean, your relationship, let it be like the relationship that space can have with space or air can have with air. You will find that so much joy will come even in the apologizing after the mess-up. You can feel like, 'No, no, I don't want to do that,' but you find so much sweetness is there. Later when you look back at relationships, you will see that those moments are also very sweet. So don't worry about messing up. Mess-ups are going to happen, but all your Satsang, all your insights about yourself will come in use because the ego, the mind, will try to use them to convince you that you are an individual and you are right. Many times it will come to convince you that you are right, and thereby convincing you that you are a person, that you are an individual. And this is where your Satsang will help. Sometimes in moments of anger or moments of high intensity, some angry words will be spoken from either side. It is a part of a great relationship. But then when that is gone and you are back to your spaciousness, then don't hold on to this idea, 'No, no, I was right to do that' or 'She was wrong to do this to me.' Be quick to apologize, be quick to forgive. Let me wish you the very best in this new relationship and may it bring so much light into your life.

I want to speak something. You have been working on my mind. Okay, actually thank you, Father. And I just want to expose my last two things. Even, you know, it feels like I have like some really big expectations about this thing. The first one is like, I want her to know about those kind of spirituality things like me, because I mean it is so important for me. And you know, I found myself living like closed in the corner and trying to sort of like introduce her to this, but I know that it's really hard because even with my family I can't do it until now. And along with that, it seems like there is a super irritated feeling because I know it was kind of a thing, you know, so I'm higher than everyone because I'm spiritual and stuff. And I just want to speak it out. And also, there's a fear of messing up, but also sometimes I see those really nice relationships in the Sangha and they post it in social media, you know? And I have the hope that yeah, maybe I can do something different, you know? It doesn't have to be painful all the time. Like I can have a really sweet relationship like for my whole life and die peacefully and recognize the Truth together and it would be so good. And yeah, so those two things, those kind of expectations, it's really big. And yeah, I just want to expose this here.

This is very good. And I will tell you something that will save you a lot of trouble. Actually, if someone had told me this when I got married or when I started to become spiritual, I feel like a lot of trouble could have been saved here. And of course, I see all of that was also Grace, but since you are here now, I will use this opportunity to tell you this: You must be responsive to how open she is in that moment. You must never try to make somebody more spiritual or tell them about something greater that you know. You must have a sense of how much resonance is there. That's why I say that with a loved one, we must knock very gently, knock gently and see if there is some resonance, if something is being heard.

Now, you heard this probably a few years ago. What happened many years ago was that as I started getting into the inquiry and getting into spirituality, then my wife, she would sometimes have a bad day at work. And this is the one instance which I really remember because I was really being a 'spiritual jerk' at that time. Yes. So what would happen is that she would come from a bad day at work and say, 'You know, this one said this to me and this happened, and I asked them to get this done and they were just not doing it,' using these kind of things. And I would say, 'So, who is I?' And she would get really upset because she was expecting to speak to her husband about her problems. She was not even expecting a solution. The mistake that I've seen in relationships is that one can seem like they are always offering solutions, but actually what the other is looking for is just some understanding, some resonance, that 'Ah, you have to go through this, I'm really sorry you had a bad day.' Instead of that, if you go in and say, 'Can you investigate who is the one who had the bad day?' it can seem like a lack of compassion actually. And it might not be your intent, but I mean, there is some specialness, like you mentioned, that 'I have something special with me, let me show how we can be in a good life.' When we have that kind of arrogance hidden somewhere, then all this can come this way.