"How Can I Not Be This Body? " - 30 Apr 2015

The blank. And you're witnessing the blank. This witnessing—is it blank or full? How do you know this? So you can know this when you look and you ask yourself: Am I aware now? Is that which is seen to confirm this, is that ever blank or full of any content? Does it have any phenomenal appearance at all? Is this witnessing you, or are you some content which is being witnessed?

Hello. When you say, um, 'Are you aware?', I feel like it's—it's still an image. My mind is...

Yes, and who's aware of that image? Is the image aware of you, or you are aware of the image?

I am aware of it.

Therefore awareness is here, isn't it? It cannot be seen visually. How do you know? How do you know you're aware of the image? What kind of question is it? It's like...

Because I can—I can report it to you.

Yes, therefore awareness must be here. So where is it? Whatever the image might be, it might seem like there's an image which is coming through the eyes, it might seem like there's an internal image—call it whatever, it's all imagination. So this image, this one who is aware of it... I want to say I am aware of it, but I don't know what 'I' am.

Yes, but 'I am aware' is right. But 'I' is what? That 'I' cannot be another image, isn't it? Because you would be aware of that also. Therefore it cannot be a content of the appearance. What is not an appearance? Is the awareness also an appearance?

I don't know.

Because if it was an appearance, then you would be able to tell me something about it, isn't it? That's why I asked you sometimes: What color are the eyes of awareness? You see, you say that it sees everything, and yet if it was phenomenal, you would be able to tell me what color are the eyes of awareness. How tall is awareness? Where is his house or her house? Cannot say any of this, isn't it? And yet it is here or not? Now where is the 'I'? There is the 'I' which is being tortured, and all this has been happening to 'I'. Where is this one? You see the trouble now? The trouble only is that one is imagined—the 'me'—and the other is non-phenomenal. They're really stuck. One is imagined and the other is non-phenomenal. If it was phenomenal, I would have just brought it in front of you and said, 'Here, this is awareness.' So you cannot do this with the mind, because the mind will only understand something phenomenal. So reality is non-phenomenal, and the person which you believe ourselves to be is imagined. That's why life seems so confusing. And I know I can speak to you scientifically now, so you must tell me what is non-phenomenal. So what is that which is non-phenomenal? And all of you are switching off on YouTube also—this question is for you too. Everything is phenomenal which is appearing. What is that which is non-phenomenal? Okay, are you phenomenal or non-phenomenal? Let's start from there.

My body is...

Body is phenomenal, correct. And who's aware of the body? Is that also phenomenal? I know what you want to say. You want to say there's something inside the body which feels like it is. So then what is it?

I can say that which is aware of the body. I don't know if it's phenomenal or not. Oh, I don't know what 'non-phenomenal' means.

Doesn't have any attributes in time and space. See, for phenomena, it must have some attributes in time and space.

It feels like whatever is in front, there's something that's always behind that's...

But you are in front or behind? Don't visualize, just look. You say it seems like all these appearances are happening in front of me—or you didn't say 'me', it's happening in front of awareness. So you are... okay, you tell me exactly what you're feeling in every instant. So when I say 'Are you aware?', then when you're looking, what is happening exactly?

So it's the same. It feels like—it feels like the thoughts are not coming as they would. It feels like I can't think. So it's like there are no answers coming because I cannot figure it out.

You are aware still that there are no thoughts which seem to be coming. You are aware still, isn't it? Yes, it might not like you have also gone. See, so let's take it very slow today. So I say that you are this awareness, and now there is an awareness that no thoughts are coming. Does that touch you? And if thoughts were to come, would it touch you? Same for feelings. Feelings—if they're there, they're there; they're not there, they're not there. Who is all of this happening to? Does that one exist?

So it feels like it's happening to the body, the mind, thought, the idea... it was like this collection, and that feels real.

Yes, so it's here. It's happening to all of this, the soup which we spoken about earlier. It's happening to this soup of sensations. And you are aware of it or not? I must be saying it. No, no, don't rely on any report also. Check in this instant.

Yes, I'm aware of thoughts, feelings.

And you are what? What is the distance between you and this awareness? Don't try to figure it out, just see for yourself. I'm putting everyone to sleep today, that's okay. Are you not this awareness? Can you show me how you are not this awareness? You are aware of everything: the presence of being, the presence of the body, the presence of thoughts, presence of emotions. All of this you are aware of as what? Is there an entity sitting over there which is aware of all of this, or is it just this awareness itself? What do you see?

Blank.

You see the blank, but are you also blank? You see the blank, but are you also blank? Can you be blank or not blank? It's too simple for your mind to understand. Because a little more difficult, you would have got it. You can say things like this: 'It's all upside down.' How do you know that you are aware?

I don't know how I know.

Yes, because—and yet you know. You don't know how you know because nothing phenomenal is seen, and yet you know that you are aware. And does this awareness seem separate from you?

Yes, because that is the content which is seen.

But is it separate from you? Are you your thoughts and ideas? You have to look, you see. Don't try to understand. There's all this understanding only which causes trouble. So don't understand anything, just look. You say that 'I know awareness is here, yet I cannot tell you anything,' but it's still not a guess. It's not a presumption, it's not a belief. You know now because you checked: awareness is here. I am aware now. How come you cannot say 'I am unaware'? If you can't see it, you should be able to say, um, 'There's no awareness here right now.'

I feel like I'm being cornered.

That is the whole idea. You can't see it out like that. I have to back off a little bit. That's what happens in the hot seat in the hangout—it is like this, that you feel like, 'Okay, now somebody else please come in for some time, I'll come back.' Even this feeling of being cornered, you are aware of. And this one that is feeling cornered can hate me. It always will hate me. It doesn't matter, because it is not you. It's just your mind. Everything which is coming and going, you are aware of it, and you cannot say that 'I am unaware.' So you don't have to go anywhere to look for awareness. Why not?

Because it's here.

It's here. And how is it not you? Show me the distance between it and you. Where are you and where is awareness? Is there ever a point—let's talk about time first—is there ever a point where you are but awareness is not? So there's never a time where you are but awareness is not. Is there somewhere in space now, somewhere where you are but awareness is not? So what does that tell you? If there's never a time and there's never a separation distance, then what must you be? But let it not just be an intellectual understanding. You have to check this. And don't worry, this is what we are here for. So don't feel like, 'Oh, I'm taking time' or something.

It feels like, um, like it's like I can't understand. I can't... it's like the mind's not... I can't understand. So, and you said 'Don't try and understand that,' and that's new. I—it feels like I don't know how to um, not want to understand it.

So it's probably the first time where you had the openness to hear these words. But I repeat these words almost every time. You try to understand. It seemed like all we know is how to understand things. Yes, but when you have to confirm something—suppose you are not sure where your shoes are kept. Will you try to read a book about it and understand 'Where could my shoes be?' or you will just go and check 'Where are my shoes?' In the same way, when you're looking for ourselves, don't rely on any knowledge or even memory. It's easier to just check. See, where are you right now?

Here.

Here. So tell me about this one. What can you tell me about this one which is here?

It's just aware of everything kind of in front. Or, and if I close my eyes and it feels like—if I close my eyes it feels like there's an awareness of the body. When I open it, it feels like I'm inside.

Yes, but both just content, see? So what seems like the sensations which seem like they're inside the body, that also you are aware of. And when you open your eyes, then this whole thing of what is appearing, even that you are aware of. So you have to check and see whether awareness is touched by either of these experiences. Okay, so you say everything is happening in front of awareness. So is there anything that can touch awareness, can hurt awareness, can torture awareness? So where is the 'me' that can be touched? Where is the 'me' then? Start saying 'This happened to me.'

Yes, I just heard that saying 'This happened to me' or 'That happened'—yes, it's just thought.

But this 'me', can you find? There is...

I don't find a separate 'me' separate from what... from that which is in front of body, thought.

Body, thoughts. Yes. It feels like you're... what I say 'me' is just the body and the thoughts put together.

Okay, so suppose is this body-mind complex or whatever it is called—is it not in front of you as another appearance? Yes. Yes. So speak as that, as this awareness to which all content is in front. What's happening to you there?

It seems funny then. The stories I've been telling seem a bit funny because they all happen to the pretend 'me', this imagined one.

So now don't believe anything. Don't believe anything. Just stay in this checking: Where am I? What am I? Don't rely on any concept. Forget about the word 'awareness' also. Don't label anything. What's happening now?

This feels strange, to feel like you're not thinking.

Yes, and yet when the thoughts come back, you will see that you as awareness are not touched by them. Simple or not? Let me catch up with some of the messages and then I'll check in again with you.