That Nothing is the Pristine You - 14th December 2020
Saar (Essence)
Ananta guides a seeker to recognize that the self remains an untouched, pristine witness even during states of perceived nothingness or unconsciousness. He encourages facing the fear of dissolution, revealing the self as timeless and beyond all phenomenal harm.
Even to say 'I lost consciousness' is the answer; something was aware that there was nothing.
The strongest forces in the universe cannot scratch the self; it remains untouched through millions of lifetimes.
I was fearing the fear, but it is just a sensation that cannot affect the ever-present awareness.
intimate
Transcript
This transcript is auto-generated and may contain errors.
Now then, one says there is resistance coming up in the body to even write these words. Last night mind stream was constant burning and such. Even now today is the birthday of my father who has passed; I feel his darshan is being used. Two weeks ago you gave me a contemplation: 'Does awareness depend on the being to know itself?' There is no answer to this. There is, however, a past experience of losing consciousness that is not letting this contemplation come to full fruition.
In that, you see, in that experience, don't take it as if it is negating the contemplation. Even to be able to say 'I lost consciousness' is actually the answer. It is actually the answer to my question. And see if you want to use this, and if you want to come up, you can raise your hand and we can look at this.
So the contemplation that you brought to me two weeks ago, I couldn't even grasp it to ask it. Like, the words didn't even make sense to me at all. I had to keep reading it and it was: 'To be aware, are you dependent on being?' Like, is awareness dependent on being to be self-aware? And I think I just... I was meshing awareness and being as one. And so the difference... it's like the question makes it sound like there's a separation, like two things. And I think that's where there's confusion because when I've lost consciousness a few times in my life, and when I lose consciousness, there's just nothing. Like, there's just... I am nothing. But I don't know that I am nothing until consciousness returns, which is why the question was... it felt like we need being to know that there is just nothing. Does that make sense?
Yes, yes, yes. But let's really look at this now. So it's like saying that there is a sense of existence, you see, and that sense of existence, it goes away, you see, and there's nothing there. I mean, just nothing, no? And sense of existence again, you see. Then if that was so, then how would you know that that state in the middle of the two sense of existence states—that state in the middle—that there was nothing actually happened?
And that's the question I've been asking myself. Yeah, so like there must be awareness in that moment of nothing. There must be something knowing the nothing, but maybe it just can't express the nothing until there's something. Maybe that's what I'm confusing it with.
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The expression is not what I am concerned about at the moment. So, obviously the infrastructure, as I call it, to speak and the expression in any way only arises in the presence of being and existence, you see. And we can also say, we can also only say that, 'Oh, existence and non-existence don't matter' only within existence. So I'm well aware of the inability for any conceptualization and verbalization to happen unless there is a sense of existence. But at least that much seems to be clear to both of us: that to even be able to report so clearly that there was just nothing, you see... and who saw that there was just nothing? Not who is reporting, but who saw—quote-unquote 'saw' because it is not sight—who is aware that there was nothing? Who was aware there was just nothing?
Being aware?
Yes. And that nothing is the pristine you.
And yet there's still something trying to understand the nothing.
Yes. Well, we cannot. So either we can surrender it or we can wait for that one to be fully frustrated and burnt out. Either way, it cannot understand it, right?
Yes, okay.
If it was that... if it was understandable, you see... what can we understand? We can understand very small things, no? Measurable things, things that appear and disappear. Now, if yourself turned out to be just one of those things, then all of this would not be worth it. If it was just something, 'Oh, finally I got it,' it's just that... even to say 'nothing' actually, you see, if it is just a conceptual understanding of nothing, then it can just become, 'Oh, nothing, then what is the point? It's just nothing,' you see. But this is a pristine no-thing that you are. It's the most amazing... I don't know what to say. It's the most brilliant, you see, beyond anything that I have ever phenomenally experienced, beyond all that I can even imagine. Even the highest of the highest, you see, beyond that is the Atma. And strangely enough, the mind's interpretation of that is just 'nothing'.
And yet it's beautiful because it's like, almost like along the way it's like there's just little blips and glimpses of what seems to be truth along the way, but it's still a graspable thing. And it's grasped and then there's something else that's graspable. I don't want... maybe to help ease the mind into it...
Don't worry about the mind. If you don't worry about the mind for a moment, what grasps it? It's a thought. And a thought can grasp it in which way? Like, which thought can grasp it?
It's almost just like a sensation combined with the thought that's seen.
And that can grasp that which you saw yourself to be when you were unconscious? No, that's not it. No, wait, no. What? The content of the thought? No matter how sublime the sensation, that pristine reality cannot be grasped by it. It's just so...
I just... mind can't grasp it and yet things are just happening, you know? And it's kind of overwhelming sometimes. Like, I'm not doing anything but I believe I'm doing something and it's like... but everything's happening by itself. It's like a game.
Who is the you which is not the doer?
It's just seeing. Like, there's no... there's still sensation that helps grasp it, but it's still seen.
Yes, but who is the you that is not the doer?
Just here. Like, there's no answer.
Because what has happened is that—and it's very popular in Advaita actually—that you can say, 'But I don't control anything, I don't do anything,' but we're still referring to ourselves as the non-existent one. And obviously the non-existent one can't do anything, nor get anything. So that reference point goes away, see? Okay, that reference point goes away and then what remains?
There's just nothing to do then. There's no seeker.
So as the seeker goes away, then what remains?
Noticing sensation.
Suppose the sensation also went away. Sensation also went away, which it will. Then what remains?
Just here. Now, I don't know if you can walk with me now. Here.
Now suppose this 'here' also goes away. Then what remains?
I don't know. There's just fear. Sensation in the chest that could be seen as fear.
Yeah, it's important to come face to face with this fear. It's there. Who is hurt by it? Affected by it?
No one. It's just there. I've been avoiding it my whole life.
Yes, but it's just sensation. Yes, yes. In a way that is symptomatic of the entire human condition. All of us have avoided this fear: the fear of the unknown, the fear of death, the fear of nothingness, the fear of dissolution. And the fear is that the fear will keep me from that—that's how it plays. But even now, you are aware of that fear?
Yes.
How big is the fear in relation to you?
It's not taking me over, the person over. It's just there.
Yes. Do you feel like you could become actually okay with it being there?
Yeah, it's not so bad. I was fearing the fear and that was making it worse, but it's just sensation.
Very good, very good insight. Thank you. Because this is the number one in this play of the human condition. This fear, this wobbliness, is the most potent distraction away from the simple self-recognition. Now, that which is aware of this fear, what can we say about that?
Nothing. It's just ever here, ever present.
What can appear in this realm that can make a small scratch on that awareness? The tiniest little bit to scratch?
Nothing.
The biggest fire came. Won't that burn it a bit? A little bit?
No.
Sharpest knife? Sharpest knife? Big tsunami? All the water in the world? Then somebody which is asking, 'What's so amazing?' No, what's so amazing about ourselves? Isn't this amazing? The strongest forces in the universe can come and try and attack ourselves, but the Atma cannot be scratched even a little bit. Timeless, deathless, birthless. That which is before 'I am'. That which is untouched through this entire play of millions of lifetimes. All these universes can come and go in our realm of perception, millions of dreams we have had, but the Atma has remained untouched. What can be more magnificent, more innocent, more pristine than that? Very good. Thank you. I'm just enjoying today's satsang very much.