I am done. I want this, at the cost of everything

There is a different person that comes out of here when I am with God and there is a different person that comes out of here when I am not with God. This smell is so different. I am starting to get tired. It is not despair. It is anger. I do not know. I cannot find the right word. But it is like this. I am done with this. It is not in that direction. But it is missing for a few years for me. And I am saying that for you. And I am not here for anything about that. And at the cost of everything. I mean everything can go. But I know I want this more than anything. Because something or the other place out attachment to father attachment to