I Lost the Sense of ‘I’

Yes, you want to make sense of it and when we are saying that way, we mean we are trying to make a sense of it in our intellectual constructs and that actually just prolongs the feeling of separate me. (Yes, yes, very good insight) [Continues reading]: Actually, I am not sure what my question is, maybe just had to share it.

Yes. I am happy to read this report, because you say “I have a follow up question. Yesterday your words went straight to the heart and for short moment I lost the sense of I”. Which means that you lost the sense of individuality, a sense of a separate me. “What followed is a seeing that I derive my sense of the self from these constructs of thoughts and feelings” Even the feelings (not organically) they can come sensationally and our thoughts about them are then used to derive this construct of ‘me’. Yes! “Which ultimately leads to one thought of a separate me”. Yes, all of these ideas, like Bhagavan [Sri Ramana Maharshi] says ‘Mind is a bundle of thoughts’ then sometimes we say in Satsang, the ‘me’ is just a construct made up of beliefs. So, that which we call conditioning is nothing but beliefs. So, it is these constructs called thoughts, which belong to this super-structure called the ‘me’. And the super-structure is nothing, but these beliefs, these thoughts. “It’s interesting how I want to make sense of all of it, which feels like it prolongs the feeling of this separate me.” Yes, so this trying to understand it (conceptually) ‘this is what is happening’ then soon will become something which the ‘me’ itself will use because it will be in opposition to something else. The minute we start to conclude ‘this is how it is’ then life shows you that ‘it’s also like that, it’s also like this’ [Smiles] And all our conclusions start getting attacked. Because everything and nothing, it is impossible to conclude on it and all our conclusions are just now new constructs. So, what can happen is that, I see that I constructed a ‘me’ out of all these false beliefs, now I am getting to the Truth. And what happens is that we construct a new house with newer concepts taking them to be truer. And we have done this throughout our life, we went from childhood to teenage to grown up to (in my case middle age) old age, but the constructs kept changing, the belief systems kept changing. To come to Freedom is to let go of this activity of construction. [Laughs] To come to effortlessness, we are not constructing a new system. So, if somebody is just coming to the insight and I ask them ‘So, what are you finding?’ and if they are able to give me a very eloquent construction of the Truth, then I am very vary of that. I want to chop it into bits very quickly, because that which you think is helping you is actually just getting in your way again, you are just doing that transition from one set of concepts to another one. So, she [referring to the questioner] spotted it very quickly ‘I see that in my need to understand now, to make sense of it, is just the habit to construct a new house in which the ego can live’. That’s why Guruji [Sri Mooji] says ‘It’s your ineloquence that I prefer, that I enjoy’. Many times, it can be like an insight (very clear) and the mind comes and says ‘Yes, this, this, this, this, this.’ [Makes a gesture of constructing something] But that’s very limiting. It might be new, so it might feel so nice and fresh [Smiles] It’s a newly constructed house or a new car, can feel like it’s so nice, it’s fresh, there can be some enjoyment in that, but soon that will become stale. Good, good, I am happy to see that you are spotting how this construction happens by trying to make sense of it. When we say, ‘make sense of it’ it can sound like a good thing to do, but what we mean is that ‘I have a nice conceptual framework of how it works’. Nothing is sensible in Reality, to your intellect. It is that supremely intelligent, that it is nonsense to your mind. This Existence is so beyond mental understanding that it can never make sense, so whatever sense you are making out of it is just a Hny aspect that you are putting in a box and saying that ‘this is how it is’. And the words of Satsang are also included in that, like Guruji [Sri Mooji] says ‘Don’t make tattoos out of the words of Satsang’. They are just provisional statements that are being made to do the cleanup job, to do the de-construction job. So, no attachment to any state that came and no aversion to anything else that is happening… just open, empty. Don’t make it into a thing that for a moment you lost the sense of separation (or something like that) it’s is not a big deal. Because the mind will use that itself as a future oppression and say, ‘see that’s when I had it’. You have it now; you are Free now.