Can It Become Bigger Than My Being
When we stop resisting fear and invite the mind's attacks to become bigger than our Being, they lose intensity because the "me" that fears has never truly existed.
It’s so intense at the moment, if you look at my life I’m in a quite challenging situaHon, the manifestaHon of it, everything is unsure. And I’ve always used my stories to stay in the suffering and I realized that so deeply this morning. I tell myself it’s difficult and recreaHng suffering and suffering. I don’t hear you, by the way…
I’m just listening my dear. [Laughter]
[Crying] There is so much pain I don’t know how to open to it. On the physical level, it’s so painful, on the emoHonal level there’s so many emoHons coming out and I see my mind protecHng it, if I don’t drop into it, there’s this huge mind aZack, so it’s either mind aZack or a lot of sensaHons if I drop into it. And I feel like “should I end my relaHonship, should I change my job”…and this and that and what I realized this morning is that…I find it difficult to say, but I saw this thought coming up, that I hate my life, and I just want it to stop. And is so difficult to be with it. If it’s that intense, I find it hard to stay aware of it. And there are these moments of great openness, when there is just surrender and then I feel this huge opening and then this intense contracHon [Crying] And what I feel what I’m actually trying to avoid is this fear of this deep void which I think it’s not even actually there but it feels like it’s there, is so empty. I’m si^ng in the house every day and I don’t know what to do with my day.
Yes, yes.
[Crying] I just don’t know.
So, firstly I want to say to you that I’m fully with you, fully with you and you are always in my Heart and this will pass. This will pass. Now, if you like, we can sit here together and if you feel like there’s any running from something or avoidance of something, like the idea of a conceptual void of some sort, if you want to face it together with me, why don’t you just see what is about.
Yeah, that would be lovely.
Because what can happen also someHmes, is the same conceptual empHness that I’m talking about, which makes yourself very apparent to you, for the mind it can seem like a very scary idea someHmes. So, I want to see what the avoidance is, is it avoiding the pure meeHng with your own Self, or is it avoiding some condiHoned fear from somewhere? And I’m happy to do this exploraHon with you and there are many in Sangha also that go through this kind of thing, so, it may be a useful exercise for everyone.
Yeah. I think it can be very helpful.
Just to take out the poison from this fear in a way, maybe will be helpful, because you are in a supporHve space. This could be an opportunity to just look. So, is there like a fear that if I let go, I’ll be sucked into this deep dark void, or something like that, or what is it?
That I’m going to die. It feels so intense in my body.
Yes.
And there’s so much energeHcal shies, or like emoHons coming out. There’s this belief “I can’t…” I think…
So, what I was saying is that is the feeling condiHoned on some idea that if I’m not in control or if I do something, then I may die? Is it like that, is it’s just like “I’m going to die”?
I have a feeling it has to do with control.
Yes, yes, yes. That is not unfamiliar to me. That report is not unfamiliar to me. And this, someHmes I call it like a primal fear. Because the invitaHon in Satsang is to let go, but the mind presents this alternaHve idea saying that if you let go, then you will die, you cannot live.
Yeah.
It comes, because when we did not want to learn everything conceptually, we were told by everyone around us, that you need this stuff to live.
Yeah.
Now, as you are being asked to let go of all of this stuff, than, this idea that I need these stuff to live, I’m going to die without it, can play out. So, just we sit together, and just remain as open and empty as possible. And if there’s something strong coming up, or even if you feel like it’s not very strong, you can just say it out loud and we can look at it together.
Ok, thank you. [Silence] Right now, there’s like a lot of sensaHons in my heart area.
Are they by themselves either painful or pleasurable, in themselves?
Right now, none of them. Neither. It’s like, just there.
There are just sensaHons being perceived.
Yeah.
So, that cannot hurt you.
I right away see the thought coming up: “But if it’s more intense, it is very unpleasant”
So, because you are here, in the safe space, invite it to get more intense. And then tell me if inherently it changes it’s complexion to being either painful or pleasurable, on its own.
Yeah. [Laughing] It becomes less intense.
That is the beauty of this. But we don’t have to make that into an expectaHon. But it is very usual that when we become more open to something, it seems to drop in its intensity.
Yeah. I feel no resistance now.
Yes, yes.
If I can expose something, there is this huge resistance to this, well, I could call it this giant aZacks of whatever it is, but I don’t know how to drop it and maybe I even have to drop that I have to know how to drop it, but I’m just clueless.
So, invite your mind to aZack you now, let’s see how big it can get.
[Laughing]
Can it become bigger than my Being? Let’s see. Let’s see if it can do that.
[Laughing]
What is the scariest thing it can show us, what is the biggest thought it can throw at us? Let’s see how big it is.
I can’t do this, this life. I can’t do it. That’s the scariest thought, I think.
The scariest thought is that you can’t do this life, you can’t run this life.
Yeah, like I’m not able to be on this earth and I will right away feel my heart like, kind of contracHng.
So, good, invite this kind of thoughts. Don’t run from them. I’m with you my dear. Don’t worry. We are all with you. All of us, full blessings for you in our heart right now, nothing will happen. This “you” that can’t run life, has never existed, has never existed. Life cannot be run by some idea of me and it is running it beauHfully. It is just running it how it is meant to be, but only life runs life. Consciousness is life itself. So, of course, if we have a representaHon of “me”, which takes on the mantle of running life, of course it can’t do it and of course is going to seem burdensome and too big, you see, but this representaHon of “me” is not true.
Yeah.
Are we talking about the body running life, who are we talking about? How can the body run life? The body runs on life itself. How can the body run life? It is the life force which energizes the body and keeps it alive. So, obviously the body which is a product of that life force cannot run this life, than who must this “me” be, that has to run this life?
Yeah. Yeah.
There is no such enHty. It is just a figment of our mind. It is just an idea that the mind creates to oppress Consciousness in this game of Consciousness.
And I have a feeling that le^ng go of that belief is bringing up a lot of fear, intensively.
We can do this together. Invite the biggest fear that you can experience. Let’s see how big it can be. Can it contain the enHrety of you?
It drops, the intensity [Laughing] it makes me laugh.
Exactly my dear [Laughing]
Another thought is like: “Why, why is this?”
Why is what?
I’m trying to understand why is there so much tears coming out, why is there so much fear, that there’s another thing that wants to understand it.
Let’s find something that we’ve understood so far and I’m including myself in this quesHon. I can’t find anything that I’ve understood why. Can you?
Sorry, what did you say?
I said that I cannot find here anything that I truly understood the cause or the why of. I’m wondering whether you can find something that you know the why of.
I don’t think so.
Nothing, no? So let’s not presume we can start now. It has not happened so far, let’s not trouble ourselves more with this why quesHon. The “who” is actually much beZer.
[Laughing]
You heard me talk about this before? Both are just three leZer words. “Why” and “Who”. And yet the aZracHon in the mind is to ask “why”. And the minute you invite the mind to ask who, you say: “No, no, no, I don’t feel like I’m so much into inquiry”, this kind of thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Both are three leZer words, no? Just one alphabet difference actually. Replace the “y” of the “why” with the “o”.
Yeah.
And that is much more helpful.
[Silence; Laughing] I want to ask something but I don’t know where it’s coming from.
It’s okay. Ask.
So, while this is so intense, you know, things coming out, I am wondering, what do I need in order to support this, the best way possible, because I feel, I don’t know if it’s true, maybe it’s mind. There’s a lot of instability around me, and I’m really trying to feel into it from my heart, like, what do I need in order to support that, because I don’t want to create more suffering than necessary.
Yes, yes. So let’s see if we can look at this. And it is a sort of conHnuaHon from what I was telling Keysha earlier, you see.
Yeah.
That answer, can change from moment to moment.
Yeah, it does.
Your heart could tell you in this moment you need to end this relaHonship, it could say you need to end this relaHonship and then what will happen is you take some steps towards ending the relaHonship and some things could change in the relaHonship this is not the advice, okay, so [Laughing]
No, I know.
For example, for example, it could say that and you follow that advice and you are taking some steps to end the relaHonship and you will find that maybe some circumstances change and now your heart tells you: “Now you can stay”. Or the other way around. So, it’s very moment to moment. So it’s impossible to define life in this way where we can say ‘this is what we need to do’, because that can only cause more frustraHon and confusion. So, my whole thing in Satsang is to introduce you to the knowing of the Heart, where not only do you recognize your reality as Pure Awareness itself, but also whatever guidance is needed, in that life, is available to you.
Yeah.
But it can never be in the form of categorical statement saying: this is what is good for you, or this is what is bad for you. Most in the world are not ready to hear that yet, but I feel all of you coming to this kind of Satsang, there is already some openness to deal with this kind of poinHng where we must drop our ideas of categorically this is good and this is bad, this is what I need and this is what I don’t need and we learn to become a liZle more open to what life is showing us every moment in our life.
Yeah, is so interesHng, exactly what you are describing now happened over forty-eight hours and I saw myself going from this openness, like, okay, in this moment, this is what my heart tells me and I just see what the next second will bring me and then another hour later it was like, okay, so, the coming two weeks I’m going to do and back in that contracHon, so I really see those jumps...yeah.
For a while it will seem jumpy like that, for a while it can be jumpy like that, unHl you just seZle in your heart, Hll you just seZle in your heart. And then, even then, it is not hundred percent, because even in the life of a so called sage, there will be moments where some idenHficaHon or some idea will be picked up momentarily.
Yeah. [Silence]
Thank you so much. [Bowing]
All my love.
Key Teachings
- The fear that letting go means death is a conditioned belief - the "me" that needs to control life has never existed; life runs itself beautifully
- When we stop avoiding fear and invite it to intensify, it actually drops in intensity - what we resist persists
- The heart's guidance is moment-to-moment and cannot be captured in fixed ideas of what is good or bad; we must drop our concepts and become open to what life shows us
From: All Problems Are Egoic Problems - 1st April 2022