Yes, I Am ... , But As What? - 8th January 2016

That means I am the doer, but not as...

Exactly, exactly. So I am is the doer. This I amness. There is no Niranjan, so it cannot be the doer. And this I amness is doing everything. When this I am is not, like in deep sleep state, there is nothing. This I am appears and this whole phenomenal play appears, you see. And it's not always just this phenomenal play; there's so many other phenomenal plays like dreams, or that which we call dreams in this waking state. This might be a dream for that waking state. In the presence of this I amness, all this phenomenal play happens. Therefore, we can say that there is only one doer and one experiencer, which is being itself. And there is no... then the thoughts that come that 'I have to do my job, I have family today,' and maybe say for example, 'I have to go home' or 'I have to go to work'—these thoughts have no meaning because they are all referring to you as Niranjan. Consciousness is doing all of this on its own natural way. Consciousness is not dependent on thoughts to run this universe, isn't it? Is this thought making gravity function? Is this thought making your heart pump? Which thought is making your breathing happen? All happening. It's the mind which takes credit for all of this and says 'I am doing this, I am going home, I am sitting,' but this is referring to 'I' which is Niranjan. It doesn't exist. Now the mind says you will just sit without doing anything, but that is not your experience. Movement, activity still happens.

Then it looks that if I don't decide that I have to do something, or if I don't take a decision that I have to go to job or I have kids to educate, you know, I have to earn money... if I don't decide that, it will not happen. It looks so.

It only appears like that. It's only the mind which convinces us. Right now your hand is moving. Are you deciding to move it?

No, no. Just moving.

Who's moving that?

Moving... it is moving, but who is moving that, that I cannot say.

Yes. Only that which is here must be the doer of it, which is only I amness is here. Only being is here. You can use Consciousness, being, I am, God, whatever word you want to use, it's fine. But nobody else is here. That creates trouble. That concept is the trouble. It creates trouble. It says, maybe for example, 'You are not sufficient, you cannot do this,' or 'You're no good.' Like the negative kind of, you know, the commentary. Negative commentary will always create a... the mind is only a troublemaker. But when it says good things, that is also trouble. That also doesn't matter.

Yes. The root point of reference for the mind is that you are a person. So everything is dependent on this lie, you see. And this lie is so prevalent that a rare one looks at it and asks, 'So who are you talking about?' And it says, 'You are a fantastic person.' Who? You cannot find. So it's still a lie, whether it's good or bad.

Yeah. And the lie which troubles me most is that... I mean, if I tell you about something about... I mean, I have been a ranker through... I was good in studying, you know. Then somewhere around it was... it tumbled off, you know. I was the last person, I could not study, you know. That was a totally a reverse kind of thing. I used to be the first in class till a certain standard and then I started being at the last, you know. And this one, that 'I am intelligent' or 'I'm a scholar, I'm brilliant'—this has been the trouble. This thought... maybe this is a believed thought I can say, because people have been telling me since childhood that 'You... and how can you be second?' or 'How can you get less than 90%?' you know? Our Indian education system... I mean, 'You have to be a doctor, you have to be a doctor.' And this kind of beliefs. But why did I believe these things? That I don't understand. I mean...

No, it's a habit which has been inculcated ever since we were little. When we were two, two and a half years old, then these thoughts started coming, see? And they were coming authoritatively, so we believed. Our parents were also saying the same thing: 'You must be a good boy, you must go to school, you are like this, you are like that.' All of this is filled with identity. This realm is full of that. A few of us come to this point where we see, 'Yes, but this one that they're referring to, I can't seem to find this one. Who are they talking about?' Because the body is not a good boy, it's just an instrument, you see. There's nothing good or bad about it inherently. Who are they talking about? And once this kind of inquiry starts, then this whole delusion of person starts to dissolve. And there are just three or four of these key areas. So one is about relationships—special relationships, close relationships. Second is about this work, abilities, security, all of this, you know, money-related things. Third is about the health of the body and how good the body is. And fourth is about this search for freedom itself. So around these three or four key identities we keep moving. But when you ask, 'Who is this bothering? Who is suffering from this? Or who wants any of this?' very quickly you see that there is nobody like that which is here. The body doesn't even want a good body; the body is just here. So the one that wants or doesn't want, who is that one? That is the nonexistent, not even imagined properly once. And freedom from delusion is freedom from this idea. Then you will see that all thoughts are appearing and disappearing, and the same way all actions are appearing and disappearing. There is nobody to take credit or blame. Everything is moving on its own.

So it's like simply being.

Yes. Being is already. Yes. I don't have to be. I am.

Yes, exactly, exactly. You already are. But as what? I am as I amness itself. As I amness itself, as being itself.