Inquiry Conversation 'Who Am I?' - 30th May 2016

To the mind, it's a very bad thing. To the mind, frustration is very bad, obviously. But when it's just grace, I can't just touch the mind. The mind exists because what does the mind want? The mind says that one day I woke up and I meditated so hard that I saw the Self. It wants the Self; it wants to see it as an object, really. It wants it like that. It cannot be like that because if it were, if something was to appear like that, then the question would still remain: who is it appearing to? So it cannot be an appearance because you cannot be an appearance. Something deeper than the mind already knows this. When I say this, 'You cannot be an appearance,' it seems so obvious, or maybe it just hurt the ego too much to say, 'Yes, how can I be an appearance?'

Outside, it was just a horrible day as a person. As a person, then everything is horrible usually, relatively. Then if the person itself is just imagining, then the horrible day for the person is also imagined because right now everything is just what it is. So the seeker identity takes on these ideas that I must keep my attention only with the presence further because it's like if right now it goes to the mind, then it feels just too much. And when the attention is brought back...

What is too much? Let's examine all the concepts that we believe. It causes the mind to say it's too much and it's too late and everything is so restless. And if you're trying to cross the street, then the amount of traffic on the street makes a lot of difference, you see? But if you're not trying to cross or move anywhere, you are just watching the traffic on the street, then does it matter whether there's a lot of activity in the mind or not?

But it feels like I become the traffic and then it feels like I know I can... yeah. So it feels better when the attention is on the being.

And then in the distance, if I was to say don't even be concerned about how it feels, how does that feel?

It's very fearful, Father. And as soon as they touch the person, everything is very fearful. It's not even like a normal person anymore. It's become like I was just adding something. It's like normally if you're attached to your person, you're just normal, like in a normal workday. But here now, it's impossible. It's almost like a fear of death. It's like I can't live like this anymore. And it comes to that point and I come, 'God, I don't know, I hope I don't do anything wrong.' So I can't be there in that fear.

Oh, you know this voice. Give it to me for a while. Yeah, this voice in you. Now speak as your presence. What is happening to you as the presence? What's happening?

It's nice to be a mother on the mind like that. When I'm here, I'm just so joyful. Even if it's just... it's okay. The mind is screaming there. So the fear is like when the attention goes to the mind, it's just completely engaged with the mind because of the 'I'. It's all fear. Because I know where the mind's taking me. It's not going to be like even before you said, 'No, even if you are a person and you're at my feet, would you be happy?' It's impossible to be a person anymore because this mind will not let me stay. Then it's grace because I can't be a normal person. Having tasted the light, there's no way it can be there. No way. And I can see like as soon as I wake up, there is fear. I modulate so much fear and the story starts and then it takes a while to just come back into the presence. Like it didn't say that I'm only everything and go live in sahaja, Guruji, because I cannot. I have to get back. Notice that identity that feels it was there somewhere and then I can see it. And then this energy to come back into the presence and then I see it's all just noise. It's so much better from a distance.

That reporting is because the theme of the satsang today was 'Who am I?' The same one. So the one that wants the attention back into the being is not the being itself. Not in this way. Not in this way. Everything moves only through the will of being. Because if God wanted attention to be somewhere, are you saying that it will be? So God is not wanting it. He wants to know what to do.

Yeah, some of the attention goes, it gets... so the story goes like when I wake up, it's like randomly in the mind somewhere, attention. And then it starts with... it's like all the attention is on the mind randomly, like 'I have to do this' or you know that.

All of this is play of personhood. It's just a pretense. Why you take it so seriously?

It's very fearful. I don't want to stay.

Fearful means what? The presence of fear? What does it do to you? If you keep hearing the fear, then we'll keep playing the fear. Can it not be that if there is fear, there is fear? If there is joy, there is joy? I am something that wants to change this way, somehow can't accept this order that's playing.

Because you feel that I must do something so that this fearful state doesn't come. The biggest fear is the one that says, 'I cannot live like this anymore,' and the fear of like doing something to myself. This is the fear. And after one of the satsang members, like she was suicidal, that fear came up. Oh my God. And from that day on, it comes. It comes like if I touch the person there, it's like it gets into this grief-ridden, fearful... 'I can't live in my person anymore.' This is what it says.

And then okay, so start now that we know living in the person, how will you do it? Don't even play with your attention. Freedom does not mean a mastery over our attention. Because if it was just about keeping attention on the third eye or something like this, you see, that is a very constricted state also. If it happened naturally, it's fine. But if it became that 'I am so free that I just have to keep my attention on the tip of my nose,' that cannot be freedom. Just because attention is moving, what is happening? Let it move.

Now it's like moving, moving. It went internally. It's moving still.

Let your attention move about. Accept whatever is coming. Don't label anything. Even if labels are coming, let them also come and go.

See, follow that also doesn't happen here. I don't even know the attention because that was the destroyer of all solace. Listen, because if it's not natural and it moves about and you're trying to control it, then it becomes this Mahabharata of trying to control your attention or not. Better to drop it. For some, it can seem natural. It wasn't here. It becomes natural when you let it go.

And somehow, yeah, it's not playing. Let it go now. Let your attention go wherever it wants. Attention is actually God's way of tasting this world, including the realm of contrast available in this world. It is tasted only through our attention, isn't it?

It starts getting into the thoughts all the time again.

So it is tasting thoughts like that. Then let it. Let all thoughts come. All of them. The thought itself comes and says, 'Oh, I am getting stuck in thoughts.' Something is like an identity that feels it needs to understand what's going on. But it's really simple. We have attention now. What is happening? Attention is going to thoughts. Okay. Then what happened? Thoughts are saying something like, 'Attention should not go to thoughts.' That itself is what the thought is saying. So then if you are no longer believing what thought is trying to convince us about who we are, then nothing else really matters. If you are no longer believing what the thoughts are trying to convince us about who we are, that's all there is. Then there is a sense that belief goes here. So this is the main point. You see how the belief goes to what? That I am a person.

Did you need to look at this, Father? Because I don't even know if I'm just like... there is a fear that belief is going and all this is going on because of that.

Because if it's not very simple, it's not possible that I believe myself to be a person at all. Then that's what I'm trying to tell you. But it's very muddled up in the mind. And it's a wireless model. Yeah. Who does that matter to? No one. Okay, the mind is muddled up. Who does that matter to?

The mind.

And who are you? I want to hear it today. Now, who are you? You, this energetic sense? Energetic sense is here. Is it always here? Sometimes strong, sometimes not strong at all, but it's here absolutely. Who knows that I woke up, I went to sleep? Is it not you? Yeah. That is why we call this I-am-ness, this presence, the primal or the primordial appearance, the primordial vibration. But you are that which is prior even to this. And it is this knowingness itself which is now existing.

Does that matter to the mind? Okay, and who are you? I want to hear it today, now. Who are you? You, this energetic sense. Energetic sense is here. Is it always here? Sometimes strong, sometimes not strong at all, but it's here. Absolutely. Who knows that? 'I woke up, I went to sleep.' Is it not you? Yeah. That is why we call this I-am-ness, this presence, the primal or the primordial appearance, the primordial vibration. But you are that which is prior even to this, you see? And it is this knowingness itself which is now existing. See, because this can be very confusing to the mind, and I realized that some in the Sangha started to get confused with this word. It's actually as simple as this. So, okay, what do you see? This is a hand. And now what do you see? You see a finger, but is it not still the hand? You see? So because the appearance of consciousness is there, did the hand become two? So it's one hand, and hand itself with the birth of the beingness seems like there is a dichotomy or something like this, but it is still the hand. It is the same 'I' which is 'aming'. Same hand, no? One hand like this or like this. The appearance can appear of these fingers, and then I did like this, immediately it's a game. 'Oh, finger was hand, is now finger.' Actually, it is still hand. It needs a lot of innocence to stay with this actually, because if you try to understand it, it's all confusing. It's still a hand, no? Whether finger or not appears, it is still a hand. But with the appearance of the finger, and if the flow of life is like this nail which is going on the finger, then the nail itself starts saying sometimes that, 'Oh, there is no finger,' while it still continues to consider itself to be the nail. I know it's digressing a bit from where you started, you see? But the point is that many times when we say that there is no being or consciousness or presence, it's just the individual identity of the nail now saying that there is no finger, it's only the hand. Okay, forget it. Who are you now?

This identity itself comes and says, when I touch the identity, then I feel so terrible. I don't want to be stuck there. This is which one? This is the painful one, Father. It can be an engine thing, always like, 'Oh yeah, so what do I do? What do I do?'

The word which I use to free, actually, not having to control our attention, is to open and to free. And there the urge to go to some thought about it...

I like sometimes when I just like, like the attention is not cool. Yes, this is extreme sense of fear. It makes it look very wobbly. Like I was in a store the other day and what I kissed and then, okay, then come back to presence, but something was just like a very wobbly. Like we used to do, no? Let's do that. There's no sense of presence sometimes, Father. Then I click, okay, the mind possibly something just starts to be very wobbly and it feels like if the sense of presence is not here, then for sure this person would be, you know, like some nonsense.

Just okay, let's do like Guruji used to, no? Once he said, 'I'm just going to say it: three, two, one, drop it.' And you let go of all sense of control. Just one thing you have to do is don't go and hide behind any concept. Don't believe a concept. Okay? So all of us, no matter what fear comes, what wobbliness comes, let it all come. Let's see what happens. Whether the head really explodes. So: three, two, one, drop it. Let it come. Come what may, don't pick up a concept. Let all concepts come and go.

You know what happened? See, you see, it's good because at least you'll see them. Others who are feeling it, at least we'll know. Okay, it's time virtue asked that thing because I just presume it's just so simple as you see. What happened? Thought came, or some sensation came, or what happened?

And it's a bad thing. No idea, really.

Yes, get used to this 'no idea'. Don't worry about it. This having no idea, this not knowing, is the mental not knowing. Yeah. Don't rush to a knowing. Don't rush to any interpretation. Remain without a mental knowing of everything and see if life stops. Resist the urge to know something mentally and see if existence drops. The urge to label things. Don't call anything fear. Don't call anything joy, bliss, love. You too, like you.