‘I Am’ is a Portal That Can Go Both Ways - 10th Feb 2016

The only trouble is that we look for it as if it is an object. "I'm looking for myself." We go looking for it as if it is something to find, then it is bound to be a very frustrating journey because it cannot be found as an object. That is why we have testimonies of some who could say, "I've been searching thirty years, most of my life I've been a seeker, I'm so frustrated with this journey," because we are looking for the Self as if it is some object to be found either within the body or outside the body. It is not that. Who is aware of the seeking? If you say, "I am a seeker," then there is a sense of seeking that I'm aware of. This "I" that is aware of the seeking, who is this one? The one that is aware of all movements, is that also moving? Is it coming and going? Is that separate from you?

So the seeker means we are seeking in the wrong direction, seeking on the outside. I am seeking this. "I am" is a portal that goes both ways. So if you want to come to the truth of "Who am I?"—okay, this is a little bit subtle—so "I am" is here. I am here now. We are trying to find who is this "I." But in the trying to find this "I," we make it more complex by adding on to the sense "I am" the attribute of seeking something. Then this "I am," which was unassociated, now became "I am a seeker." And innumerable attributes you can attach to this amness: "I am like this," "I am like that," "I'm doing this," "I'm doing that," "I'm going here," "I'm going there," "I'm good," "I'm bad," "I'm terrible," "I'm hopeful," and "I'm awful." We keep attaching many, many attributes to this amness.

But what are we looking for? We are looking for the "I" which is prior to this. So the way into the phenomenal realm, the way to operate as a person, is to keep attaching things to the sense "I am," keep believing that something can be attached to the sense "I am." And the entire point of Satsang is to drop these ideas that we have been attaching to ourselves. And no concept, no idea is worthy enough to get our belief to be attached to this, not even concepts like "I am Brahman" or "I am free." They are meaningless. So first we come to this unassociated being where it is just being. It is not being anything. Not "I am something," not even "I am nothing," just "I am."

And this is completely true right now. There is nothing you have to do to get there; it is already true. Don't try to stop anything also. And then what happens? There is a sense of space. The voice of the mind doesn't have any power, and this is the end of suffering because it is the end of resistance. Being is just being, and there is complete allowing the body-mind to function exactly as it is functioning—active or passive, according to the mind's plan or not according to the mind's plan. It is all happening on its own. It always has been; only now that we get to see that it is like this.

So being is just being. Then what can happen—although actually this much is enough, actually this much is enough—but what can happen and is happening for many is that it becomes clear that I am aware even of being. You see, this is what I mean by I-amness being a portal which can go both ways. We saw how it can be used to pretend to be a person, an ego, by attaching attributes to the sense "I am." And now we can see how this I-amness also points back at the truth of what you are. And we see that there is awareness of even this presence, this being, the sense "I am." I am aware of it. You see that this awareness is prior even to the presence itself.

And we find that there is nothing to speak of here because there are no qualities, there are no attributes. All of that requires the presence of being, and we left that behind because we came the other way now, from the "I am" to the "I" that which is aware. What does that look like? Is there an entity that owns this awareness? As Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi used to say, this "I" is the eternal one. And the recognition: this "I" is the timeless awareness within which what he used to call the sense "I-I," which we call the sense "I am," is born and it dissolves back in. For this "I" is what we call the Self, we call the Absolute, the pure knowingness, the pure awareness bereft of all qualities.

And this is true about you right now. You are that. I am that. We are one because you are aware now, and you're aware that you are aware. So as we go this way to the root of what I am, then the truth cannot be missed. But initially what can happen is that this truth can seem deeply disappointing to the mind. The mind can see, "Oh, this was it? But nothing..." because the mind actually didn't find anything. More fireworks needed to happen, no great awakening experience also needs to happen, no states of bliss need to come. They can all be there, they can come for some, but for some it can be completely sober, you see. But try as it might, the mind cannot deny the truth of what you are.