Even this Seeker, this Meditator, You Are Not - Dec. 14, 2014

The good news! Remember, you're in the right place.

Yes, it's... and this is what I was going to say to counterbalance it. I was just getting this unbelievable peace that passes understanding, you know, just marinating in this total acceptance. I could see that that was the awareness itself and that I had a choice as to what to believe in, what to give energy to, just like you said before. The whole game is just about that: what am I going to give and entertain? You know, it seems as simple as that. If it was to be given a technique, it would be that: who are you going to believe in? Are you going to believe in the mind or are you going to stay in the emptiness and the space? But there again, I just need to expose this—that I'm getting over the stage fright, I think, a little bit, of exposing that I feel now with this connection. I've just worked it out that I can put the alarm clock for 2:30 in the morning and I'm here in my tent and I'm picking up a reasonable connection, so I'm very happy that I can continue this. I think it was the human element that I was really missing, not being connected in the Satsang more. It's been my experience before; I lived with Osho in Pune, and I know the homesickness of living with beautiful people and stuff. So it's just feeling like returning home. I'm very, very in love with you all and very happy to have this connection.

We are very happy to have you as well. Wonderful words, wonderful. Beautiful. You said very beautifully that if there seems to be a choice, the choice only is: which voice do I believe? Do I believe the words of my mind? Do I believe the emptiness, like you said, or Satguru in the heart? Same, same. This is very good. Just with this... this is the end of suffering. Just with this one. A beloved was saying before—I forget her name—that there is a very strong attraction to what is familiar. You know, like if we have suffered a lot, as I personally feel I have in this striving to become myself, there's a very strong magnetism to staying with the familiar. And if that familiar has been deep depression and questioning and inquiry, yes... so, you know, this merging with you all in the sense of nothingness and non-judgmental space and acceptance is just... I have no words for my gratitude. It's just so deep.

Very beautiful. And you said very rightly that it is the Seeker identity which I find the most resistance from in Satsang, more than the relationship identity or the parent identity or the money identity or the job/work identity. The most resistance eventually comes from the Seeker identity itself because the mind is saying that, 'I have got you so far. I am the one that got you to Ananta.' It says, 'You see, how can you give me up for him?' and 'We have done such beautiful sadhana together.' It says, 'We have done inquiry. You remember when we did inquiry once and there was no thought for one hour?' You see, it tells you these kind of stories. It will say that we can do this together, stay with me. And we say: no. Even this Seeker you are not. Even this meditator, even this sadhaka, even this inquirer you are not. So ultimately, that's why we say that even the seeking starts off as a personal journey, and sometimes it becomes a very arrogant journey and has this sense of arrogance about it, you know, even with others: 'Oh, all of you are just chasing women and money; I'm chasing God.' You see? 'I'm seeking God.' So this sense of specialness also tends to come into the Seeker identity, and then we realize that we are not even this. You're nothing phenomenally. Then something seems to pinch, something seems to hurt on hearing that you are nothing.

Yes, yes. Very humbling. Very humbling.

Nothing, nothing, nothing. And it is in the realization that this person is nothing, then you realize the no-thing which you are—that in which all phenomena takes birth. So you are the full nothing. You are the full nothing, you see? But in the phenomenal world, you are nothing. And if you meet some people on the streets who are not into spirituality or Advaita and if you say, 'Who are you? You are nothing,' it is the biggest insult, you see? Worse than calling them names is to say that you are nothing, because the ego has made all this investment into making something out of you. Everyone wants to become something. So this acceptance that in this phenomenal realm I am nothing—at best I am just the witness of all of this, I cannot do anything, I cannot become something—it can seem humbling, like you said. But from this humility, the true understanding of what you are... you will realize that you are the Supreme One, but not as a person. See, every person wants to become the Supreme One. They have their own idea of what the Supreme One is, and someone tries to become God through money, someone tries to become God through love even, see? But no person can ever become God.

Beloved, I have a question.

Yes, please.

It's in regard to the body. I've always been a very body person, very athletic, and I do a lot of surfing and diving. And of course, it's on a lesser level now; I just do it when it's really called for, when I feel enthusiasm and so forth. But I've been finding a very powerful, overwhelming lack of energy. My body feels like it... you know, I often want to just rest, you know, and sleep, and I'm snoozing during the day a lot. It's very unusual to my normal behavior. Normally I'm very active. Of course, I have my resting moments and so forth, but I'm a little bit shocked, a little bit freaked out, you know, that my energy is just getting zapped. I'm wondering if it's okay to accept that as well as a part of a sort of a deeper sanctuary, you know, a deeper resting, a deeper coming to terms with something on a more spiritual level, perhaps? I don't know. I'm a little bit divided about that, you know. And of course, that energy is something which you need to take you throughout the day. I don't overtax myself with many activities or anything, which I'm fortunate with here. So I just eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired, and drink when I'm thirsty, so to speak—which is wonderful hearing it from Bodhidharma—but you know, when you feel very useless and you're taxing yourself in a way as a tyrant, you know, that 'Oh my God, I'm just such a... what am I doing? Where am I going?' you know, that whole sensation again. So my question, as I said, is: is it okay to be feeling this total exhaustion?

Yes, yes. So let me answer this a little carefully. So let me start with the example when I met Mooji for the first time and I was on the hot seat. Then for about three, four, maybe five months, there was no energy here in the body to do anything at all. I would just sit around, and then the family started getting very worried. And I don't know, in India it is quite a thing not to be doing something, you see, because our culture is so much around work and managing the family. Then I wrote to Mooji and said that this is what's happening, that there is no life energy here which is moving in any direction of work. There is no interest in anything, but I'm the happiest I have ever been. I'm the happiest I've ever been, but everybody around me feels that I'm depressed. So it can play like this. It can play very good, very good. What I want to tell you is that don't make any conclusions about it, see? Don't make any conclusions about what will happen in the next minute also. So that's why we say it's more about the beautiful neutrality which is watching, wondering as everything is happening. Either it is lying down on the bed or it could be surfing in the waves. Just don't know. Don't predict and don't make any conclusions that 'Now I'm not so active anymore' or 'I should be more active' or something like this. So it's neither a doing nor a non-doing. I know this can be a little subtle, so I want to go a little bit slowly on this. That either seeing that 'I've become inactive' or seeing that 'I've become very active' is not required, you see? It is more saying: yes, I don't know what's going to happen in the next instant, but what seems to have been flowing in the last few days is that no activity has happened. That's completely fine.

Wonderful. I can support that. I just interpret it as—if I sound correct—I suddenly am overwhelmed when I surrender to this space of acceptance. I suddenly am overwhelmed with an amazing enthusiasm to do any particular thing, and this energy that comes in is absolutely incredible. It's not me; it's just... it takes me, you know? And so that seems very true, what you're saying.

Yes, and then you see that you have just been the witnessing of all of this play as well. Yes, actually you are unmoved even by this energy, see? When you're completely lethargic or completely active, in either of those two states, you are only the witnessing of these states also. So actually you have not moved. Like we were saying earlier, you cannot move an inch because there is no concept of space for you, there is no concept of time for you. All of this is arising within this.

This quality of awareness that you speak of... I can best describe it at the moment as a kind of... it's like I'm inside a bubble. I'm totally surrounded by something which is always here. I can feel it as a... it's like a—not to use the word ghost—but it's almost an aura around me of total vigilance, like a camera watching me but not judging. It's sublime, absolutely sublime. Of course, you know, when the mind is so strong there's a forgetfulness there, and then it sort of comes back and it can be watched by this absoluteness. That's how it's becoming for me. And also a wearing off; it's feeling like the old tricks and everything are just getting worn off, you know? They're just getting exhausted and thrown by the side. For me it feels very, very much...

Yes. First point what I would like to say is that when you look and you see that there is a bubble around me, you see, and there's an aura or something around me... you can look and check right now, actually: are you that which is inside the bubble, or that which is surrounded by the aura, or are you that which is witnessing even this?

I am that which is witnessing myself in the bubble, and the bubble, and outside the bubble.

Yes, yes, yes. It's the highest point.

It's like a... there's a humming sensation. It's hard to describe, I know, but there's like a 'zoom zoom,' you know, in the air. It's like a very, very eerie kind of presence feeling.

And the witnessing is untouched by even the strangeness or the eeriness of this feeling, isn't it?

Yes, yes. From this point I can see myself as the persona very easily. It's like a little grain of sand just down there beneath my feet.

Yes, this is very good. And really, what is opening—this is very clear to me as well—is being on the hot seat and in connection with my heart with you. This is doing just the world of good because the human fragility and the love is really the bridge to all this spirituality. I feel this so strong, you know. I remember when I was living with Osho and everything, what we used to do all the time was hugging each other and everything, and it's the most wonderful thing, just this human acceptance and affection. It's really... we're humans, we're not aliens, we're humans, you know. So I'm very, very grateful to this connection with you all.

Same, same, my dear. So happy, very good. So much love to you.

Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. I'm so happy you were able to chat like this today, right?

Yes, me too, me too. Very much, very much. Thank you.

I'll leave space for someone else. Thank you so much. Namaste. Love to all.