BOOKS BY ANANTA Welcome to Satsang with Ananta

If you knew already that all the beliefs you have are false, you would not even hold them as beliefs. So, when I am asking for this Gurudakshina: ‘Give up everything that you think you know’ … it can feel a bit strong. Sometimes you make these promises from a ‘me’ position and you do not even realize what you are promising. [Chuckles] Like ‘Chop my head off and then I will be free.’ You are stilling eyeing the prize for yourself.

So, how should we deal with this stubborn insistence that ‘I am the ego’?

If I say to you that ‘It’s time to really, really, devote yourself to this truth which is naturally Here and let go of this nonsense insistence on egoist belief’ … is there a yes in your heart? [Smiles]

Yes or no?

S: Yes. [Chorus]

A: Okay. [Smiles]

If there is fear coming, like ‘what will happen to my life?’ know that only grace is happening.

Trying to run your life is pretending to push a train or something. This object, this body, is what for life? It is nothing. This one pretends as if it is running this life. It is like the train is running and this guy is just about hanging from the end of the train, but the idea he has is that ‘I’m running this train.’ [Chuckles] Life is running. The one that pretends to be the doer, the choice maker, that one you can’t even find. This is the extent of our delusion.

So the train will keep running, you do not have to worry about it.

‘How will I run my life’ is one of the most ridiculous ideas which you will ever hear.

And yet, it is what?  It keeps us bound in, a way. Not one heartbeat you know how to take and you feel like you are running your life. Not one finger we know how to move. Or who knows how to fire a neuron? Nobody. Ludicrous. But our ‘me, me, me’ is dependent on this idea.

How are you existing now?

What makes you exist?

Does anyone know?

We just got caught up in the misery after existence. After ‘I Am’ … all of this play of light and sound started and we feel like ‘This object I am.’

The mind is like a weighing scale. It can deal only with limited qualities.

How will the weighing scale measure space?

What is the weight of space?

What is the weight of time?

It makes no sense, no?

So, how will it measure that which is beyond time and space?

You cannot use this tool for it.

Your thoughts will never report this Reality.

No one among you can show me your boundary.

You are never experiencing a boundary for yourself.

You might say that ‘This is my boundary.’

But where is this boundary experienced?

You might say ‘The extent of my perceptions define me.’

But where are these perceptions experienced?

What is the boundary where your perceptions are?

Your perception could be anything,

But it is still contained within You.

You may have a perception of God Itself, this Consciousness,

But even that would be contained within You.

This is Your experience Now.

Tell me if it is not.

There is only one voice which is fighting this. That voice is the lawyer for the non-existent ego who is saying ‘But … objection your honor, objection!’ constantly.

So, it is time now to forget about it.

All this ‘But, but, but, but….’ is only just your attachment to yourself as a seeker.

All the energetic support you need is here.

All the pointers you need are here.

Q: I don’t know anything else.

A: You don’t know anything else.

Q: Yeah, I don’t know anything else other than myself.

A: How do you know that?

Q: I don’t know …

A: How do you know yourself?

Q: I don’t know. [Laughter]

A: What is the basis of that claim?

Q: I am the basis of my claim.

A: ‘I’ is claiming ‘I only know I’?

Q: Yes.

A: ‘I’ is claiming …

Q: Yes, I claim I only know myself.

A: This ‘I’ which claims it is which one?

Q: You cannot say…

A: You say ‘Yes, it is I who claim it’ then how you confirm it is you?

Q: I know it’s myself … I know it’s me. I’m speaking on my behalf.

A: Whose behalf?  Who is this ‘me’?

Q:  Me … [Laughter]

A: Who is it?

Q: I cannot say.

A: But how can you say ‘I’? [Silence]

Q: I don’t know Father, it’s innate.

A: What’s innate?

Q: The sense of ‘I’…

A: Is it a sense?

Q: I don’t know … [Laughing]

A: This is all we’ve learned in Satsang, that ‘There is a sense of me’ and we’ve learned it.

Is there a sense of me?

Is it like a Presence sense?

What is the sense?

And if it is a Presence, then who is aware of that?

Q: There is something. I feel that I’ doesn’t need to be here in order for what is here to be here.

A: I don’t need to be here in order for what is here to be here?

Q: Hmmm.

A: [Laughter] Have you ever had such an experience of something being there but you were not?

Q: Okay, I’m trying to get myself a little bit clearer. There is no claiming ‘I-I-I-I’

A: No claiming ‘I-I-I’

Q: There is something that cannot be left aside or that cannot not be.

A: How you saw this, this something which cannot be left aside?

Say you left the world aside, you left thought aside, you left the body aside, you left emotion aside, you even left Presence aside, … then what was left?

Q: You know, Father, I cannot speak about this…

A: Who is this ‘I’ who cannot speak about it?

Q: I don’t know. Do I have to call it ‘I’?

A: You have to say.

Q: I don’t know if it’s I–me, or not even this. It’s something.

A: Is it a thing?

Q: No, it’s not a thing.

A: How do you experience That which is not a thing? (Let me put the question in another way.)

Q: Okay, so I am That.

A: How do you claim? That is what I’m asking.

Q: [Chuckling]

A: ‘How’ is what I’m asking. On what basis, on what basis?

Q: It’s the experience.

A: But you say it is not a thing.

Q: Yes, I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know. Can I explain it?

A: This ‘I’ … we use the term ‘I’ very often. Who are we talking about?

Q: Often when I say ‘I’ it’s the limited one.

A: Where is the limited one?

Q: Well … you know … [Laughter]

A: You see? But remember that we’re not playing with words. This confusion is central to the life of a spiritual seeker. And we try to dress it up with whatever spiritual conclusions we have and we say ‘Ah, Awareness; Ah, Self” but we cannot say how I claim this.

Q: Sometimes, yeah, there can be a sense of limitation but when I inquire now, when I say ‘I’ it’s not limited.

A: What is it then? Is it like space? [Opening his hands wide] Unlimited, no limits, like space, like that?

Q: It cannot be described.

A: Why can’t you describe it?

Q: I don’t want to speak about this.

A: But we speak about it; we do speak about it all the time under the label ‘I’. I’m just questioning: What does it represent?

Q: Father, there is a sense that it’s not the body. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know.

A: Then how do you know it is I? [Silence]

Q: There is no doubt about it.

A: There is no doubt about it also and yet, it is not a concept that ‘I am This’ and it is not a perception. Then what is it?

Q: It’s behind…

A: Behind. Good, good. No, behind is good. [Chuckling] How much behind?

Q: Right behind. [Laughter]

A: One centimeter behind?

Q: No, it’s behind in the…

A: It’s the elephant in the room. [Chuckles]

So, this is the inquiry.

Anytime we are doing some other activity and feeling like that is the inquiry, like trying to put ourself in some state or trying to observe the mechanics of the mind or something like that, I won’t really call it the inquiry.

The inquiry is going to checkmate you like this. But don’t presume that ‘Okay, now I know I’m check-mated so this is it’ or something like that. If you still can make a claim like that, then you’ve not yet run out of moves, you’re not yet check-mated.

[Seeing someone new in Satsang hall] He’s not comfortable. Some of you are new and this kind of inquiry is not comfortable for everyone. Also, it can feel like a bit of an attack. If it’s feeling like that, don’t worry about it. Just hear it like music.

Only for those who are new.

For the rest of you, if it is burning, it is good.

[Chuckles]

There are two quotes from the Master which seem to signify the spiritual struggle. And if you can assimilate or you can transcend today it could be the end of the spiritual struggle. So, what are these quotes?

First is that: Until you know yourself, you will not come to the end of suffering. Till you know yourself, you will not come to the end of suffering.

And the second is that: You cannot know yourself. You cannot know yourself.

Now we are struck. Isn’t it?  It can seem like this gap is too much. I cannot know myself … and yet, until I know myself, until I come to this Self-knowledge, Self-realization, I cannot be free; I will not be free from my bondage. Have you all contemplated this? And this is what we have been doing in one way or the other.

So, when you ask yourself: Who am I? … what happens? You either start looking at the state which is occurring as the result of starting the inquiry (‘I am feeling some peace; this is so quiet, this is very nice’ or ‘My mind is resisting so much. It is not letting me ask the question. It is keeping me confused’ … all of this) but rarely are you really saying who you are.

Who are you? And even if you were to draw that conclusion, I will ask you ‘How do you know that?’ If you were to say ‘I am the Self or I am Awareness’ it must be asked whether this is a mental conclusion or is it something that you See … or what is it?

So, if all of this seeming-journey is about Self-realization, then the question ‘Who am I?’ is in the center of it. You are here to realize YourSelf. Who are you? But you must question the conclusions that you may be settling for and question the source of those conclusions. Like the other day, we were doing this exercise where I was asking you ‘Who perceives this hand?’ Who perceives this hand? And even if a great, meditative state is coming over you (in a sort of avoidance of this question) for some time, my advice would be not to fall for it. Even if you’re saying ‘Ah, who perceives this hand? So peaceful…’ (like that) don’t wander off for some time.

It’s an actual question. Who perceives this hand?

S: I.

A: You do. How do you know it is ‘I’? Is it a false claim you are making?

S: No.

A: It’s true. So, what certifies this as true, that this is ‘I’? How do we conclude this ‘I’ so naturally? And this ‘one-two punch’ of this pair of questions is all that you need today:

What perceives this?

Who perceives this?

And your conclusion can be questioned with ‘How do you know that?’

What is this play of Satsang? Of course, I have provided hundreds of different definitions. It’s just this game of providing some energetic support to be able to see that ‘Whatever truth I’m after is naturally present Here and Now.’

The rest of the words of Satsang are just to deal with the doubts. ‘But, but, but… still there, but (…) is there, ba, ba, but…’

[Chuckles] If there is no ‘But…’

S: But what?

A: Anything. ‘But …can I hold onto this?’ … ‘But what happened to me yesterday was making me feel like that.’ … ‘But I have leave in a week.’ You see? ‘But’ anything.

You are the Self Now. You are the Self Now. Everything. Your truth is apparent to You and all things are perfectly resolved in this unborn.

So, when I say ‘It’s your move now’ that’s what I mean. How do you meet this?

With ab objection which is ‘But, but…’?

With the claim which is ‘Yes, yes’?

Or just empty of all of this?

S: You are the only one who gives permission. You are the only one in my life who is giving me permission to be my Self.

A: Yes, yes. And that is why Satsang is this sort of safe environment where you can just be yourself. You don’t have to take any position here. You don’t have to be this way or that way. You come to a place where you can unburden yourself from all roles.

Q: Sorry, Father, it’s a very beautiful Satsang but I’m bringing this kind of energy that feels more like (at a phenomenal level) something is happening which all the time pulls attention. It’s a bit overwhelming and continuously, it’s a kind of environment that where it’s difficult to be.  Otherwise, naturally most of the time, I’m without anything. But now, as you know, a few months before I was struggling with my office environment then I changed my job last month only to find out it’s much more horrible than what it was before. [Chuckling] So, I feel I was much better off there. It’s overwhelming. It’s the kind of environment. It’s not something personal but the quality of work is very elementary and the feeling that I don’t belong there. It’s kind of suffocating. I don’t know what. It’s a mismatch between what I’ve been doing and what is available. I don’t know; it’s kind of suffocating for most of the time in the office and that pulls a lot of attention. It’s like I have to come out of it and this is a very strong pull for that.

A: Actually, here also there are some very clear memories where I remember that there were job situations that felt were so suffocating. It would feel like I would go to work and at the end of the day all your life energy was sapped out of you because everything was just … like you were feeling, like you went from the frying pan into the fire, in a way. So, I have a sense of what you’re experiencing and I totally understand the kind of frustration that must be there for this. But I want to reassure you that it all works out fine. Know that the Satguru’s grace is taking care of you. And just like this Spiritual Father of yours went through all these situations and I somehow now come to this life of ease, may it also be the same for you. Just take it one day at a time.

And also, when I say ‘A life of ease’’ it doesn’t mean a life without work or something like that. It’s just a life where we are no longer differentiating between work and life. Whatever unfolds, unfolds. You’re aware that the Wednesday mid-week break here is also so that I can go and help Garima [his wife] with the office work during the week. So, the sense of ease does not go away, whatever the flapping of these hands might be, the movement of this mouth might be … that is allowed to unfold. Then we stop labeling.

I was just sharing with someone the other day, I was saying that when we make these terms, sometimes the terms themselves become oppressive, in a way. We say ‘work’ but we have another term for another type of work we call ‘seva’ and some of us that have this seva attitude can say ‘Whatever seva my Master asks me to do, I’m open to doing.’ But when it comes to work, then that becomes like ‘That is work.’ But actually, both are what? Just the movement of your hand (like you’re typing something on the computer or whatever else) and the movement of this mouth (to put it very crudely, in a way). You see?

So, we just look at everything in life as the Grace of the Master. I know it can seem very, very oppressive. Even here there is so much gratitude for Guruji [Sri Mooji] for having pulled me out of these kind of mental, conceptual distinctions. So, just take it a day at a time. If a day seems too much, just take it 5 minutes at a time. And soon enough, you will be back to a place of ease and just simple well-being.

Basically, if there is a qualification for Satsang, it is just the Nachiketa qualification. Isn’t it? We shared the Nachiketa story the other day. And the mind (which in the story is Yamraj, the god of death) in this aspect of the story is saying ‘But I will give you this, I will give you that. I will give you pleasure. I will give you friends. I will give you a good life.’ And this young boy said ‘Will this any of these survive death? If it is coming and going, if it is going to go tomorrow, it might as well go now.’

So, in ‘The Matrix’ [movie] there is one man who says ‘It’s fine. I know it’s a sham, it’s the Matrix. It’s just Maya or Lela, whatever you say. But I taste this wine. I eat this steak’ (or whatever he was eating). ‘Leave me alone.’ And that’s fine. Those who are really enjoying Maya and are happy with whatever it is, I have no motivation here or intention to push them out of it or something like that. It is only for those who come and say ‘I’m done with this. Give me the truth or give me that which is beyond time. How do I find myself?’ Then we can really meet.

It’s not a judgment call. It’s just Consciousness playing as various aspects; and that is fine. But the struggle comes when you want to keep one foot in that door and one foot in this door. ‘I want something here, here also. I want something there, there also.’ [Chuckles] And the funniest thing is: Are you really, with the mind, enjoying this world? It makes the truth insipid, it makes the world insipid. Isn’t it?

Have you truly perceived anything with unadulterated perception? We constantly mix everything with the thought mantra: ‘What’s in it for me?’ and ‘How can I hold this?’ and ‘How can I not have that?’ You see, this kind of thing. But primarily ‘What’s in it for me?’

If you were to just perceive this silly thing [picks up a yellow coaster] without any notion, without any concept, un-judged, without interpretation…

I’m just so full of wonder of even this phenomenal play. Just the sensation of temperature (now I’m labeling just to illustrate) and the sensation of hardness or softness, the vibrancy of the shades and the shadows. In a simple object, just even to taste this Lela empty of ‘me, me, me, me, me…’ [Sangha laughs and Ananta Chuckles] ‘What can I get from this? Is this clean? This is just the mind’s version. But just like ‘oh, oh…’ [Simply observing, perceiving the coaster]

That’s why sometimes in India it is said that ‘It is the Sages who are the Maya bhogis.’ (Don’t get wrong ideas.) It is just the Sages who clearly taste even this Maya so fully, so beautifully, empty of ideas about how it should be, could be, could have been, must be. Sometimes we say ‘Why all of this? What is the cause of creation?’ To see this. [Holds up the coaster] [Laughter in the room] I’m saying it seriously; I know it sounds strange. [Chuckles] Just to experience this object, a simple coaster or whatever. But now, with the mind, we do not experience this, we do not experience that. Neither here nor there.

S: The Sages will be enjoying that; they use fiction. We don’t use fiction. It is unreal. They enjoy it.

A: Yes. Actually, know nothing at all. Because you’re not living dependent on even the pointers. You’re just making no distinctions, even between true and false, Maya and Brahman, Ishwara and Maya. These are just pointers to shake you out of your limited perceptions of yourself. Once you discover that ‘I am Brahman’ you’re not living on that mantra ‘I am Brahman. I know I am Brahman.’ You’re just empty of all these positions … you’re just so open.

There is no distinction between the coaster and me, between you and me.

Where is the line, dividing line?

Where do you start and I stop?

Where do I stop and you start?

When you pick up this dividing line, then you play this game in a limited way. So, when the Sages say ‘Don’t be selfish’ this is what they mean. Don’t pick up this maha-mantra of ‘What’s in it for me?’ It’s not getting you anything in reality.

And where to find all of this?

In your unborn existence.

In the just sitting, as we were saying.

One of the greatest gifts I got from Guruji [Sri Mooji] is to see that nothing that can happen in this manifest world actually can touch the Reality of Me. Of course, there can still come moments from time to time (which are fairly rare) where it can feel like something can get a hold, but they don’t last. But here also there was a habit of dwelling on things and just holding onto something and being resentful about it for weeks sometimes. This is what Guruji would call a ‘Olympic sufferer.’ [Laughter] It was very much here.

Now what I can see is that anger can come (of course, it is quite rare but it can come) but resentment is hardly ever there. [Smiles] What is suffering except a broad term which is talking about all of these things: resentment, guilt, pride? [Smiles] You might feel like pride is not suffering but have you seen the faces of those who are caught up in pride? [Laughs] They may not realize it but that is suffering. Here also there was a big pride in action. The beauty of life is that it slaps it out of you.

There is only one source of suffering which is identification with your thought … (not even thoughts). We just identify with next available thought; that is the only source of suffering. That’s why you need only one pointer. Whatever pointer appeals the most in your heart, where it feels like there is an ease and letting go of whatever the mind is proposing to you now, whether it is the pointer of remaining in the Unborn, whether it is the pointer, the reminder, that even to know one thing is to know too much, whether it is the reminder to check who you are, whether it is the reminder ‘Guru Kripa Kevalam’ (which means that everything is only Guru’s Grace) …

whatever resonates the most with you, that’s all you need. Because the problem is not that complicated as we might think it is. And the solution is much more apparent than you may realize.

It needs some honesty, some courage actually, to admit yourself that you don’t even know: Who perceives this world? Who woke up this morning? Who is here now? …before you can make plans or have regrets, or make plans that you will regret. So, you as the mind, when you pose as the mind, don’t know any of this. But You in Reality, what do You know?

You-as-mind don’t know anything really. You’re are just proposing propositions, offerings.

But You in Reality, what do You know?

S: I cannot even hear you, Father. What is happening?

A: ‘Cannot hear you.’ Yeah, it can become all blurry. It can sound like it’s all nonsense. It can sound like it is not even English at all. [Sangha and Ananta Laugh] Why? Because we don’t know where to put this in our conceptual framework. ‘Where does that fit in? How is this helping?’ Or ‘How do I hold on to this? Does it fit in to my understanding of the ‘Isha Upanishad? Or ‘Shankara had said …’

What do you know when you know nothing?’ Because there is no compartment for this. It can just feel like ‘Blah, blah, blah…’ I’m just saying simply, very simply, that all your mind’s propositions about ‘Who is perceiving this hand, who is perceiving this world, who is sitting here now, who woke up today?’ … when you check, you find that the mind’s propositions are just made up. Like the fog; it’s just the fog. It’s just a fog. I’m familiar with this because many times I’m looking in the room and it is just like in the fog. [Chuckles]

S: So, in my case, I never gave myself the reward of just sitting. ‘Always just wasting time. You should become this, you have to achieve this’ throughout … it’s driven my life. So, this is such a great gift which I never gave it to myself.

A: Yes, yes. Very good.

S: Thank you.

A: You are so welcome, dear. Welcome.

We have also been on this treadmill; constantly, constantly this getting, getting, getting, collecting, collecting, collecting. She said it very beautifully: ‘I never gave myself this gift.’

Give yourself this gift.

In this openness, in this conceptual emptiness, you are completely apparent to yourself. But there is nothing here for the mind.

There is nothing here for the mind. And in your closed-ness, in your picking up of notions, we give birth to (not in actuality but we seem to give birth to) the limited self, the limited version of ourself. So, at least to the mind, it seems like ‘At least, that is something.’

You could be just sitting. Not it the sense of ‘I’m sitting’ but just sitting. But the mind finds that very uncomfortable. It will say ‘Okay, at least I’m meditating now. This is my time to meditate.’ It can’t leave it alone. Or it will label it as ‘Oh, it’s very good to be in silence.’ You see? It has to have a condition. And we buy in to that condition. And all it seems to do is blur or cloud up, or block … what we really are.

To be at peace with yourself would mean to accept this unconditionally; accept ‘What Is’ unconditionally. When you add a condition on top, that ‘It must be this way’ or ‘It must not be that way’ it might seem to provide some comfort to your mind. It might seem to provide some fertilizer to your ego. But in actuality, it is the play of limitation, of separation.

A: Who is the main star of your movie? Who is the central protagonist?

Sangha: Me

A: ‘Me!’ [Chuckles] For a gyani, there is no such identification. There are some persistent appearances, of course, but the notion that this one has the starring role fades away; mostly fades away. And for the devotee, the starring role is replaced by the Lord, by the Master, whatever they are devoted to. So, as long as it is about ‘me’ and ‘whether I am getting it’ or about ‘me’ and ‘my’ Master’ … investigate if there is actually somebody there. This is the inquiry, to investigate: Who is there playing this central role? And we have been taught to believe that it is ‘me’, that it is my individual identity. But you can check: Who is the star of your movie? Then you might find that this identified one is just a role, just a character, just a role that I’m playing.

What are the lines of this role? What is the character’s landscape? All that you identify with (mother, father, spiritual seeker, worker in an office) seems to define how your character should play out; our ideas of what is right, what is wrong, what is true, what is false, what is good, what is bad, even the idea of what should happen or what should not happen or what is happening.

How many of us are convinced that we know what is happening? … not just in Satsang, in any aspect of our life; we are certain that we know? And these certainties are the grooves. These are the lanes of the ego. It will say ‘You are like this’ and we fall into that groove because we bought into this notion.

So, the central question in the inquiry is: Who is this One? Who is playing this role also?

Look at these notions that grab you and investigate. Look at the miniature life that they claim for you. Tell me something about your life. Tell me something that you know about your life. Now, you’ll be a bit shy because you know you are in the spotlight. But you are constantly telling yourself that ‘This is what it is.’ Now, because I’ve set it up, because I’ve already said that it is going to be a very tiny box, the way you will define yourself … what are these definitions? ‘I was born on this day, this is what I do, this is what I want, this is what I don’t want, this is how things should be, this is where I want to live, this is how much money I should have, etc.’

Who are you painting yourself to be in all these portraits? Who are we painting ourselves to be? Just a tiny object stuck between birth and death; hopeless? Because no matter what he or she does, death is coming. That is why the Sages imploration is to find that which is the eternal One, that which is the Unborn, beyond birth and death. It is this sense of limitation itself which is suffering. It has never been and it will never be that you can continue to hold onto the idea that you are a limited entity and be free from suffering, no matter what tactics and ploys you use.

Freedom from suffering itself means freedom from this delusion of being the ego.

And it is bound to be a scary existence if you consider yourself to be just this small object, one among billions; billions and billions of other creatures. Then obviously you will run after security, trying to protect yourself and defend. But what will you use as a defense against death? When death is knocking at your doorstep, what are you going to say to it? ‘Give me 10 more minutes or 10 more years’? And that will also go like that. [Snaps fingers]

There’s a young boy in the Indian Upanishads. His name is Nachiketa. It’s a long story but to cut a long story short, what happens is that he has a meeting with Yamraj [Yama] who is the Lord of Death. And he asks Yamraj to tell him the secret. Yamraj says ‘But you’re a young boy. I’ll give you all the best things in life. You will never have a day of struggle. You’ll have palaces and princesses and all the best servants and everything that you could ever want.’ This young boy Nachiketa says ‘But will all of this survive You? Will this survive death?’ Yamraj says ‘No, of course not. None of this survives death.’ Nachiketa says ‘I don’t want any of that because it is coming and going. What is the point, if it is here today and gone tomorrow? Show me the path to the Eternal.’ This conversation that unfolds is called the Katha Upanishad.

And this is what has been shared in one way or the other by all Masters in all Satsangs. Not even just something which you can hold onto today but which will pass on just tonight. Forget death; even in sleep, what will you take with you? So many people are struggling like this. They’re trying to have lucid dreams and some are even trying to take things from one realm into the other; [Chuckles] at least memories, like ‘I should remember this, I should remember that’ or ‘I should be this way.’ But these realms, these states, are constantly coming and going. Even right now, you could go into a daydream. You could go into a daydream right now and you could feel like you’d spent years there.

It’s like that story of Krishna and Narada. What happened one time is that Krishna and Narada were having a walk together, a beautiful time, and then Narada asked this question. ‘Lord, please tell me what is maya.’ And Krishna says ‘Do you really want to know?’ Narada says ‘Yes, of course, I really want to know.’ So, Krishna says to him ‘Okay, I’ll tell you. But first, the throat is a bit parched. Can you get me a little bit of water from the river close by?’ So, Narada says ‘Of course’ and goes with a container to the river close by.

There he sees this beautiful, beautiful woman who knocked his socks off. Then he was like ‘This is what I want in life. This is what I really want.’ And then he goes and proposes to her. He puts his best foot forward, as they say, and this woman also falls in love with him. Then they’re happy (supposedly). They’re happy and they start having children together. They have two children.

So, then what happens is that one day, a huge flood comes. A huge flood comes in their town. Now he’s living like a house-holder; he doesn’t even remember that he’s Narada. A huge flood comes and he tries to rescue his family first. (Okay, it’s a bit strong, this story.) The floods take away his wife. And he’s, of course, full of grief but he holds onto both of his children. He grabs one and keeps one on his shoulders. But the floods are so strong that, one by one, both of his children are also swept away, and he’s in great, great grief.

In great grief, of course, he remembers who? The Lord. So, the grief came and the Lord is remembered. ‘Krishna! Help me, help me! My whole life has been thrown to bits. I’ve lost everything.’ And Krishna says ‘I’m waiting for the water. It’s been a full 20 minutes. Where are you?’ Then the spell breaks. Narada’s spell breaks and he realizes that this is the way that the Lord gave him the answer.

We get caught up in this identity of being a man, being a husband, being a father. And nothing is inherently wrong in those roles being played out. Krishna is not saying that these must be renounced. What he’s saying is: ‘Remember that these are just part of the coming and going. They will not last forever.’ So, to not be attached to that which goes.

It’s like if you wanted a piece of bread as your best friend and you said ‘This is it. This is all I want.’ The parents will come and say ‘But this will become stale. It will have mold tomorrow.’ [And you say] ‘No, I’ll keep it safe. I’ll keep it alive. I’ll do the clean-up job.’ But how long will you keep it, a slice of bread? Whatever you may do, it is going to go.

So, this body is like that. To be attached to this and its objects: how long will you keep it?

A: Then the question actually becomes like this: What is it that you actually want?

[Silence]

What is it that you actually want?

Have you ever tried asking your mind this question? ‘What? What do you want?’

I remember here this question was asked. I was struggling with this spirituality and mind and all of this, and the mind just went full blast. ‘This, this, this!’ A moment of lucidity would come and it was like ‘But what do you want? What is it that you want?’ Then it will come up with some very noble sounding answer, like ‘I just want you to be happy’ or ‘I just want you to have this or that.’ It’s all made up.

What does the mind actually want … if you followed everything it said? How is it that if you follow the mind with everything it says, sooner or later you end up being either murderous or suicidal? It doesn’t sound like it wants your peace or happiness. But these are the claims. This is the extent of what the mind will understand: birth and death.

Q: Father, when you say ‘The extent of what the mind will understand’ what do you mean?

A: In the way that it is programmed.

Q: The Consciousness itself is in this delusion, in a sense. It’s not some other …

A: Not even that. In the design of this appearance, there are all these various energy constructs which are there. There’s an apparent outside world, there’s a body. Now all of these seem to follow some principles of the design. For example, I can’t say ‘I’m going to step out [Pointing to the window] and have a bit of a flight from here to the next building and come back.’ You will say ‘That is a bit strange.’ Because this body seems not to be designed with this particular capability. In the same way, the energy construct that we call the mind (just a bundle of thoughts) seems to be constricted by the limits of its opposites, which are purely phenomenal; the broadest phenomena it can imagine and the smallest phenomena it can imagine. So, it seems to only be able to decipher or interpret this: [Holds his hands wide apart]

So, in a way, birth and death. You can see phenomenally ‘Oh, a baby is coming’ … that is birth. And death is the death of this body. Beyond this (if you can go beyond this) what does the mind actually help you with? At best, it can hold onto this beautiful concept ‘I’m beyond birth and death’ … but does it have any taste of that? In its reports, is it ever really able to show you some true light on This which is beyond? It isn’t.

In the same way, our emotional spectrum seems to have a particular construct that we’ve labeled in these ways. So, if I say ‘ I’m feeling ‘blah’ today’ you’d say ‘What is that? I’ve never experienced that.’ So, in a way, when we say the mind will only understand to this extent, this is what we mean. In our experience of the design of this particular construct, it only seems to traverse these opposites, these limited opposites.

Can it paint a picture for you? Like if you look at the visual aspect of the mind and try to paint a picture of something without any quality … can you do it?

(Come on; work with me here.) Have you painted it; a picture without any quality? You just can’t do it. You see? Then it will say ‘Yeah, it’s just a dark painting’ but dark is also a quality. You’ll say ‘It’s full white’ but white is also a quality. Paint a quality-less painting in your mind. You can’t do it. So, this defines the boundary of it.

That’s why you can’t fit YourSelf into your mind because You are quality-less. Your greater reality, the Unchanging One, is empty of qualities. But the mind cannot fathom it.

Once you see that the mind does not apply to this which is really You, then this is the end of frustration or confusion. Confusion and frustration only means that we are a little bit ‘One foot here/ one foot there’. One foot in this which is so apparent to you and one foot in trying to get a conclusion from the mind that ‘This is it. This is the truth I always wanted’ or ‘This is the freedom’ or ‘Now, I am like him.’ Something like that.

Why is it called a habit? All the Masters call it a habit. Even now, you could be going to the mind, saying ‘What do you think about this? This is what I’m doing; my one foot is here, and one foot is there.’ This kind of thing. See, it’s a habit; that’s why it’s a habit. But the more you see that that is pointless, the more you see that it will not ever, ever give you a true conclusion about yourself, the lighter it will become. When you say that ‘I can’t not believe’ it seems so heavy because you’re still feeling that ‘It will one day show me a valid conclusion about something’. But it has not. If you just check and see, in every aspect of your life right now, you will have many conclusions. I don’t mind telling you that all of them are nonsense. You might feel like ‘Okay, for Satsang at least, he is telling the truth. But what is happening in my relationship, I’m hundred percent sure.’ It’s not true … what’s happening in your life in any aspect of it. Because our conclusions are based on very tiny reports, in all our spheres of existence. I was saying to all of you the other day ‘In all our spheres of our existence, in one sphere, if some tiny moment comes, we just zero in on that and say ‘This is what my life is right now.’ In your emotional body (to use this term; forget about it after this example) if something shakes about a bit, then mixed with your intellect-body which comes and says ‘But this is not good, this should go’ … these are just two tiny moments in Your boundless ocean. Two tiny moments and you’re just like ‘This is happening to me! Why this is happening to me? Satsang is not working. I have to do this. Why doesn’t Father help me?’ All this will start. Because all of this stuff is just tiny stuff. Have you really looked at where it is? How big is it compared to You?

So, this is the play of the mind, the play of this Maya, that ‘This is happening, that is happening.’ We are so sure. Then when we’re faced with something our mind can’t fathom like ‘Nothing has ever happened’ we try to become very metal even about that. ‘Actually, I got it. Actually, nothing has ever happened.’ Inwardly, we’re still like ‘This is happening, that is happening’ (conceptually) and that causes more confusion or more dichotomy, more suffering.

When [Sri Nisargadatta] Maharaj used to say ‘Integrity is your best friend’ this is what he meant. If you speak, if you believe something, then let that be coherent with your actual experience. Many times in spirituality, we get into this sort of big dishonesty as what we’re actually believing, that ‘This is happening to me, anger does not go, my lust is still strong and this thing is like that.’ But what we are repeating to ourselves is just like ‘Nothing has ever happened.’ This becomes the source of a lot of suffering.

So, step back from all of this mind conclusion and be honest about what you really are Right Now. And if you don’t know, then don’t know. It’s okay. But don’t make up stuff. ‘Don’t know’ is very beautiful. But don’t fall for just conceptual stuff. Stay with the question. All these tools are provided to you. The design of this question was to help you get beyond this conceptual knowing:

What do you know when you know nothing?

Her question is ‘Why is it that what I fully am … why can’t I see that fully?’

In your Seeing itself, there is nothing missing. In your Seeing itself, it cannot go missing. This is not sight-seeing. [Chuckles] It’s not the seeing of sight. You know, the Seeing I’m speaking of is not the same as sight. That which Sees sight is not even in this paradigm of fully, partly, shortly. All these don’t apply. It is only the concern for the non-existent one which seems to get in the way. So, the ‘I’ that we are talking about is mixed up with the ‘I’ that we think we are.

Okay, what is the ‘I’ that we think we are?

Q: A stupid entity.

A: The stupid entity that we think we are, we are not.

Q: A tired entity.

A: Tired, stupid, seeker, inquirer, getting it, not getting it, missing it, frustrated; that is what we think we are. Do we have to buy into that one? No? Yes?

Q Well, it seems that I don’t have to buy it, but it’s my reality. [Crying]

A: If it was your reality, then you would have to buy it. Because you’re here for Reality, apparently. You’re here for Reality. So, if it was our Reality, then I would say ‘Buy it’. But I can promise you that you cannot find this ‘me’ whose reality it is. This ‘my reality’ is which one? Which one is that? As long as we carry this monkey on our back, it will seem like we keep missing it.

Forget about this one! Forget about this one that’s not getting it! You cannot find it anyway. Because this position is also just an escape. Just like the ‘Get it’ position is an escape, the ‘Why am I not getting it?’ position can also be an escape.

Q: A lot of resistance is here.

A: A lot of resistance can be there. It will come; it is bound to. If there is resistance, does it mean that you’re onto something, or that you’re far from something?

Q: It doesn’t really apply.

A: It doesn’t apply. Resistance is usually found when the mind doesn’t want you to go further anymore. It’s just like ‘Come, come.’ And I know that some of you want to run. ‘What’s going on?!’ But that is why we should use this moment that is available. The question was very simple and is very simple. The resistance has nothing to do with the question itself. It is what we think about ourself that is getting poked.

What is the question? [From earlier] Who remembers? The question was ‘Do you perceive this hand?’ Who is that ‘you’ that perceives this hand? Who is the ‘I’ who perceives it? Something as basic as that; who needs to run from it?

Q: I tried to answer this question after Satsang, and after I stayed with this question, it kept on saying ‘I see, I see.’ I didn’t know exactly what was the content of ‘I’ but there was ‘I, I, I, me, I.’ And the day after, I woke up from a dream and really, there was no difference between what was seeing the dream and what was seeing the waking up of this body and whatever. I cannot really even explain in words, but there was no ‘I’ witnessing this. But of course, I was there, but not as the ‘I’ that I take myself to be.

A: Yes.

Q: There was no personal feeling or anything, you know.

A: So, then what is the answer now?

Q: There is something that Sees. I don’t know what it is, Father. [Crying]

A: That something is known how?

Q: Because this (it’s like a space; I don’t know how to say it) this space is Here. I don’t know but it Sees. I don’t know how to say that. [Crying]

A: What is the message in this pain? Does it have anything to do with …?

Q: I’m tired. I don’t know. It’s a mix of physical tiredness and yeah, certainly, it’s tiring also because I’m looking a lot. You know? And it’s like, I don’t know, I get too much tired from it. But … yeah, the other day, I could see the ego okay-ing. He said something beautiful … (Rupert? Or somebody?) He was saying that actually, in growth, it’s not always like a straight line that goes up, up, up. And the ego and the poking also serves the growth, and it’s up and down and it’s more like a curve actually. Yeah, so I don’t know, but there’s a lot going on actually at the moment. Resistance; wanting to run. Whatever. And frustration. (Or ‘potato’ … however you want to say it.) [Laughter] [Referring to what Ananta said about the words themselves making the feeling seem more real: ‘What if we were to call frustration ‘potato’ … would it have the same impact?’]

A: Yes. [Big smile] The frustration means what? The frustration means the idea of either not being able to grasp it or of having grasped it, then lost it. Isn’t it?

Q: Yes, a little bit like that. [Crying] Because I know what it is to not feel like a person . . . and I know what it is like to feel like a person also, and I don’t like it. It’s just too tiring.

A: This ‘I’ … just forget about it.

Q: [Crying] You think it’s simple like this? [Snaps fingers] You think it’s simple like this?

[She and Ananta and everyone laughs a lot] If it was simple like this, it would be one Satsang. But we keep on coming back, banging the head on the wall ‘Why, who, when, what for’ and all those ‘W’-whatever’s.

A: So, this ‘I’ that knows it and feels like they lost it and they don’t want this anymore; they know what it feels like to be free, and they know what it feels like as a person. They want to be free but they don’t want the ‘person’ … this ‘I’ you have to leave.

And it IS simple, like this. [Snaps fingers] Gone.

It’s just that the voice of the temptress will come. ‘Come, come, it’s not actually gone. Come on, you have to stay like this. But you saw this five years ago.’ You see? Like that. And again, it will try to tempt you back.

Q: You don’t have ear plugs for this kind of talk?

A: These are, in a sense, ear plugs. If it became a limited state where I had to shut myself away from this voice, then that would not be freedom. We’re living on this busy street. All this sound can come and go. But you are not touched by any of it. In the same way, this mind [these thoughts] can also come and go but you’re not touched by any of it.

The only thing it can really tempt you with is your identity. It says ‘If you stay like this, then you will actually be free.’ Who is that story about?

Q: Obviously, there is a buying of those, in the listening to those voices.

A: Yes, but there’s a difference in the listening. The salesman can come and sell. You hear the offer. But the buying implies your assent.

Q: I have a lot of money for them. [Laughter in the room]

A: A lot of money for them. [Chuckles] They seem to have some good offers also. But at the center of all their offers is someone that you are not.

Even in this report, in which you said ‘I know what it feels like to be free; I know what it feels like to be a person, and I really don’t want to be the ‘person’ … locate that one.

A: Last questions? [Sangha Laughs]

Q: Why did I still not get it?

A: Is that the last question?

[Laughter]

Q: Currently.

A: ‘Why did I still not get it?’ [Sangha Laughs] ‘Why?’ It is astounding how much the ‘why’ question is attractive … vs. the ‘who’ question. It’s just one sound: ‘y’ and ‘oo’. Just that is the change. The ‘wh’ part is the same. ‘Wh.’ So, how is it this mind is more attracted to asking ‘why’ rather than asking ‘who’? This itself is a big clue for us. To try and use the intellect to figure this stuff out seems to have become our conditioning, rather than just to check and See what actually IS?

I know that you were saying it in jest. [Chuckles] But sometimes it can be like this, that ‘We are going now for a short while. This is last Satsang for us.’ Some short time; how will we spend that? It’s like ‘I was here for a few months, why didn’t I get it?’ or ‘This Now; I can check Now. He is apparently saying that the truth is available just Here and Now. He is saying that the truth is available completely and fully just Here and Now.’

So, this point is very useful to bring us back to where it can truly be checked. Otherwise, we just keep wondering. We keep wondering in the past and in the future, in the logical explanations. But the truth that is pointed to in Satsang is not available there; not in the past, not in the future and not in any explanation.

Let use this opportunity Here and Now to See. And this presumption also that ‘I haven’t got it’ … it is not true. Because if you do not have it Now, you will never get it … not because you have been Satsang that long now (or something like that). It is just so naturally what You Are.

So, step out of this ‘Haven’t got it’ verses ‘Got it’ paradigm. Don’t apply these labels to you. Because they do not apply.

Do you perceive this hand? [Raises hand]

S: Yes.

A: Who is that one that perceives it?

Okay, just to give you a bit of context (not that it’s so important but just to share a bit more) somehow we got to Guruji’s [Sri Mooji’s] piranha question:

Can the perceiver be perceived?

And as it was being asked, I realized that really, we have not asked it. Because we get sidetracked by ‘Okay, so what does the mind start saying when I ask myself this question: Can the perceiver be perceived? Or what is the state that comes? This kind of thing, rather than answering the question: Can the perceiver be perceived?’

Then we made it even simpler and said: Okay, you perceive this hand. Who is the one that perceives it?

Is it you? Or no?

S: [Nods]

A: You perceive it. What is this ‘you’? Who is this I?

S: Can I share something?

A: Yes.

S: There is no answer for it. You are the answer yourself. But to say something about it, you can’t say. It’s just a concept. Because just when I went and opened the Robert Adams book, then he answered this. He said that ‘You meet Robert Adams, okay, but when you meet Robert Adams, he is not Brahman, he is not Silence, because when you talk about it, you objectify. You are not the object. You cannot see.”

A: So, the talking or keeping silent about it, let’s keep it secondary. The recognition of this One is fundamental. What words emerge, even I am not so concerned about that actually. But just because it is unspoken doesn’t mean that it cannot be recognized. So, even to conclude whether you’re missing it or recognizing is not the intent of this inquiry. It is to push you beyond the … (okay, let me not say).

It is not so complicated, actually. You perceive this hand?

S: Yes.

A: Who is that one?

S: There is a seeing. There is just seeing.

A: There is a seeing. How is that seen?

S: The Seeing is just seeing.

A: The Seeing is seeing. What does it have to do with you? [Silence]

Who is the owner of this seeing?

S: I think an entity is getting mixed up with the seeing.

A: Who sees that? ‘An entity is getting mixed up with the seeing.’ Who sees that?

S: There is no answer to that.

A: But the answer is not also that there is no answer.

S: Yeah, but I haven’t gone into that where Robert Adam says ‘Is there you, the Real You, which is me and everything in the universe or beyond it.’ But I have not gone there, no?

A: Yes, so who has not gone there? Who is this concern about?

S: That I’ve not experienced.

A: This one, I am asking; this one who has not experienced that. Who is this one?

Who is this one? The one who could experience that [Opens his arms in expansion and makes a blissful sound] or the one who experiences this [Folds his arms across his chest and lowers head in contraction posture] … this one is which one?

A: If somebody came to you and said ‘My best friend has a serious problem, but he doesn’t exist’ [Chuckles] … what would you tell them? [Chuckles]

Sangha: I’d tell them ‘You’re the one having the problem.’ [Sangha and Ananta Laugh]

Q: It’s exactly the same thing here, Father. There is a frustration, I break my head, I cry, I do anything, I do whatever; I cannot find this imaginary ‘I’ which is just…

A: But who can’t find it?

Q: It is again like ‘I don’t know who is this that is doing this.’

A: But it’s so natural for us to say that ‘I’ can’t find it. So, who are we representing?

Q: Yeah, I really … I feel so lost …

A: Who does?

Q: But this iteration of…

A: It’s not iteration. It’s one time, actually. Who feels lost? There is no recursive loop.

The mind makes it a recursive loop, but it is straightforward. Who, who, who are you?
Sangha: It is a non-limited consciousness who thinks it’s limited, for a time.

Q: I cannot express in words anything like what I am. It’s just everything is just a thought. For me, everything is just a thought.

A: Okay, for who? For ‘me’ you say. Who is this one?

Q: I don’t know. [Chuckles]

A: That is also just a thought?

Q: I feel like everything is just a thought.

A: Everything?

Q: Everything is just a thought. I can’t even believe that this world exists. It looks like a big dream for me. Like everything looks like a dream to me.

A: But real or dream is also just a thought. Doesn’t matter.

Q: Yeah, it’s just a thought. I am not sure of anything. This wobbliness is killing me. I can’t…

A: Kill who? Killing the thought of a ‘me’?

Q: Yeah, this thought is frustration. This thought which I picked up from…

A: The thought is getting frustrated?

Q: [Chuckles] Again, like, everything is like a dream.

A: So, on one hand you say ‘Everything is just a thought.’ And then you said something which was like ‘But it is killing me.’ So, am I supposed to take that as good news? If the ‘me’ is being killed then maybe that is auspicious.

Q: For me, I’m holding on to this for many years. I don’t want to die. This ‘me’ says like ‘I don’t want to get killed.’ There is fear of this ‘me’ being killed; murdered.

A: Okay, where is it now? We’ll keep it safe. Where is it? The one that doesn’t want to die, where is that one?

[Long Silence]

You see? So, even after seeing so many insights, there can be like a protection for … [who?]

In that fear of the dissolution of this one, there can be all sorts of defenses built in. So, it can play out sometimes even as sleep, sometimes as anger-defenses like ‘Don’t tell me anything. I don’t exist, but don’t tell me anything.’ These kinds of things. But it’s good to expose this, that ‘This is what’s been killing me for the past few years. This one doesn’t want to die or I don’t want to die.’

This one we must bring to the light; bring to your own light. Who is this one?

Nothing actually has to be killed or kept alive. Just that everything has to be brought to the light.

A: How will this ‘imagined one’ go? If it sticks around just waiting for the next belief, how will it go? [Silence] Is it Here Now?

[Silence]

Q: It can be. I mean, everything is Here Now. Everything can be Here Now.

A: Everything?

Q: I mean, in the sense of all the sensations or all the…

A: Okay, what about the imagined one; the person?

Q: No.

A: No. Then if it is not there then how can the person believe something that comes?

Q: The person is not the one.

A: Then, who believes?

Q: [Smiles] I’m believing it.

A: Ah. Who is this ‘I’?

[Silence]

Q: I am; I am. Father, I recognize that I’m not affected by anything that I may or may not be. But somehow, the thought (when I recognize that ‘I Am That’) just stills holds some belief in that. I mean, I’m still giving that some belief.

A: Which thought are you giving some belief?

Q: The belief that ‘I’m still not free’ or ‘I’m still not what I actually recognize.’ When you take us there, there is no desire. I never have, I mean, I…

A: When the thought comes ‘I’m still not free’ … that still gets believed.

Q: Yeah. It still gets believed.

A: Because you still feel it is true. Belief means it just feels true.

Q: Yeah, it just still feels, still feels…

A: But you cannot find the one that is not free.

Q: Yeah, I can’t. I can’t find any entity that …

A: That could be not free …  or free…

Q: Yeah.

A: You can’t find it and yet you believe it to be true?

[Silence]

Q: Where does this come from … this ‘I’ at the beginning of almost all sentences? It has been formed at some point?

A: Yes, yes. It is not natural. That’s why I was asking: Who does this ‘I” represent? This ‘I’ who doesn’t want [this heavy idea of being a] ‘person’ … even that one, who does it represent? [Silence]

Why am I chasing down and shooting down everything that we claim to know? It is because it is our knowing which seems to get in the way; what we think we know.

I come and say every day: Actually, just check whether you actually know anything ever happened or what should happen in the future. And you check and you See: ‘No, I cannot confirm any of this really.’ And yet our allegiance seems to remain with that, with what we think we know.

Q: But I cannot confirm even this ‘I’.

A: Yeeesss, yes. So, isn’t that such a beautiful ‘I don’t know’?

Q: But ‘I’ … don’t know. You know? (YOU know.) [Ananta chuckles]

Where does this’ I’ come from?

A: That’s really not the question.

Q: Okay. [Laughter]

A: Who are you? Who is even the complainer of ‘Where does this ‘I’ come from?’

Q: It’s coming up as an energy…

A: Yes, but who are you?

Q: I don’t know!! I don’t know!!

A: Yeah, but who doesn’t know?

Q: I don’t know that either.

A: So, how do we make that claim?

Q: I don’t know… [Whispering and almost crying in frustration] I don’t know…

A: You cannot figure out the answer. You can’t find it in your intellect, your emotions; anywhere.

Q: For instance, last night and this morning I was listening to the ‘Satsang of the week’ from Guruji [Sri Mooji] and he was leading someone to ‘What is here when we don’t think of anything?’

This is here. [Silence]

This is the only thing that doesn’t change.

A: Okay.

Q: I cannot say ‘Oh, yes, I am this or that.’ I don’t know. But ‘I’m aware of this or that’ … this I can say.

A: Yes, even this we can use. This, which is aware of this, is what?

Q: I cannot find.

A: Is there some distance between the One that is aware of this … and This itself?

Q: No.

[Silence]

A: Now, don’t use the term ‘I’ until you find the one it is representing.